Hiding a medical transition

[neo3000]

TW mentions of su*cide

 

Hello,

 

After a year of absence, I have come to the conclusion that I am transgender and that no, it isn't some phase or some propaganda influence like some people led me to believe. 

 

Now that I am freed from this shame and that I finally found myself again, I started hanging out with some other transmen and quickly realized that I can easely get access to HRT. I really want this, I don't know how to explain it, but I am so sure of it. Only thing is... my family. I do not live in the same country as them, but they are somehow, very controlling.

 

They are manipulative in nature, extremely transphobic and close-minded. I've tried to tell them I liked women and they didn't want to hear it, they think I'm trying to be "trendy" [their words]. When I was in my late teens, my father would sit me down to tell me how he only has one son, referring to my brother, and my mother would tell me to go get my sex reassigned if I was going to keep acting like a boy (it's funny written down but she said it in a very hurtful, ironic way). She'd also call me a -lesbian- in front of the neighbours and her friends. Overall, queer people are not welcome under that roof.

 

Last year, I decided to give them the benefit of the doubt and just caved in their demands and became the most feminine "woman" you could find. It was almost comedic: I'd mostly wear pink, kept my hair long and turned blonde. Things they didn't see was that I was an alcoholic and swore by tobacco (but in their eyes I was pure and angelic, never touched a bottle in my life). Y'all... I've never seen my family be this happy. Everyone would be rejoiced that my "weird sh*t was finally over". They paraded me around talking about how I finally grew up and quit my bs. My sister would tell me how now, I can sleep with women all I want since no one will ever suspect me of doing so. It confirmed one thing: their love is conditional. 

 

So I tried to end my life, but something in me did not want to do it. One day I drank a bit too much and got really, really sick. My collegue (who is not aware of anything LGBTQ) told me I should maybe try to "be myself". And a close friend of mine, bless her heart, kind of slapped reality to my face. She told me I was being transphobic because I couldn't face my own reality, and if I wanted to survive, I should at least be surrounded by other trans people. So she took me to an association of transmen in my city, and it literally fixed everything. 

 

I used the name I wanted and gendered myself the way I wanted to and everything was fine. My girlfriend was fine with it too. Everything was doing well. Except for my family. My father started criticising my looks because I was conventionnally masculine. My mother would tell me how beautiful my hair was before I cut it. All of them had something to say. 

 

Now, what I want to know is: 

- Do I tell them that I'll be transitioning? If I do, two scenarios 

1) they don't let me back home, which I do not care about, I'm begging them to release me

2) they let me back home and trap me there, risk of conversion therapy, physical/mental violence

 

- Do I hide it from them? Do I get really athletic (which is a wish of mine) and just blame steroids or something? The problem is, I already have some masculine feautures due to a hormonal imbalance (like facial hair) and it's easy to hide, but I fear that it will be harder to cover on T. Also, the voice. I mostly want to be on T for the voice and knowing how my voice is already kind of low, it's going to be even harder to hide. 

 

Listen, I can wait a bit more. I'm 23 and I do not have a stable job but, I can wait. It's just that... I don't want to transition when I'm old. I need it so bad and I can no longer wait. I'm at this point where I think I'm ready to lose it all.

 

Do any of you have experiences from families like this? How did you manage? Emotionally? Physically? 

Do you have any regrets of not compromising for your family? 

 

Thank you for reading. 

[VickySGV]

Even for a non-Trans person, what you are describing is unbearable manipulation with little real care about you.  The Trans issue to them is added sauce to that.  Many Trans and other LGB people form Chosen Families with other Trans people and often non-Trans who come from the oppressive life of parental bullying.  People in these Chosen Families give each other the care and the unconditional love and dignity that all deserve.  It may be that you will have to get some legal help to keep your blood family out of your affairs and let you lead your life.  Before that however you must establish boundaries that you want them to respect and not let yourself be drawn back into their manipulation, you also must communicate those to them, but save that until you have a basis for your own life with the others you choose to be part of it.  All that is tough, but it is the only way your situation will probably change.  Good luck and stay here since we are possibly the first new members of a Chosen Family for you and are willing to honor your dignity with unconditional love.

[neo3000]

That's true. I'm doing my best to be legally and economically stable (I am an immigrant in the country I live in) and I'm almost there, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't lonely. I only trust my girlfriend and that one friend of mine to help me out. 

 

The thing is, I've noticed support systems were stronger for trans women in my area (which is understandable, it's a more urgent matter, even the trans guys I've talked to told me our support system wasn't that good). The lack of available systems is what I find hard to get by, I don't know how to "build" my surroundings so I cling onto the people I know which are very few... I keep wondering: if something happens, who do I turn to? I've spent too much time isolating myself and now the room's almost empty.