Joanna's Journey

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Not all of us find out the need to dress early, for some it comes later in life. In my case it was last year when I was 50, I had always known there was something different about me but didn’t know what or even where to look to find out. If I could have pinpointed it back in the '70s there would have been no way I could have done anything about it since my father was out of the Edwardian mold and there is no way he would have allowed his first born son to have dressed and acted like a woman, not only that cross dressing and transgender were heavily stigmatized in those days and he did not want his social, or professional standing jeopardized by his son doing that.  

The result of all of this is that I was never able to explore what it was that made me different, nor was I able to do anything about it until quite recently. I went through life doing what was expected of a male, working hard, having kids, and the rest of the lie, I always wondered why (since I was doing what was expected) was I so miserable, why I couldn’t hold a job or hold on to a relationship or much of anything else that seemed important at the time. I am on my third marriage and this one, too, is going to end in the near future; there have been many issues in the relationship many of which may be directly or indirectly caused by my internal conflicts. 

 

Some time ago I had an odd dream, it was one of me happy and content but in women's clothing; I had no idea at the time that there was anything more to this than just one of those weird dreams that I've had on occasion. I told my current partner about it, we both had a good laugh and I denied that there was anything to it; however it did open the door to me thinking about what was 'wrong' with me again. I mentioned to my partner some things that I would like to try she thought them odd but did oblige me. The more I think about this the more it was the watershed moment; she and I went and purchases some women's clothes. Sounds good, partner is on board what could be better, well sad to say she wasn’t fully onboard with the idea. She would help me shop but then didn’t want to see me in the clothes we had purchased. I am wondering if her thought was, if I oblige him a little but keep the lid on him wearing them he will give up.

 

 

Well having the clothing and occasionally being able to wear it only opened the flood gate to the underlying issue. I had been seeing a psychiatrist and counselor for other matters and discussed this issue with them as well. Before I talked to them about my cross dressing and other feelings I had done plenty of research on the internet about cross dressing and any other related scenarios. It was during this research that I ran into several sites with information on Gender Identity Disorder (GID) and transsexuality. The more I read up on the condition the more I could identify with a lot of what was being presented in the line of depression, failures and stress caused by the persons brain map not being in alignment with what they were dealt by nature. 

 

Here in begins the next big problem in my life, I told my partner but only after much cajoling, frustration and anger her part. My reason for not opening up immediately was that although I wanted to be open I also didn’t want to start another fight since there had been lots of those already. Well needless to say when I did tell her, all hell broke loose, the accusations, things like I'm no Lesbo (her words not mine), what about me, how can you be so selfish and the ever popular I want a divorce. Let me tell you there is nothing quite so painful as sitting at one computer when your partner is on her laptop and watching as she prints out all the pages of a do-it-yourself divorce kit. We still share the same house but not as man and wife, the relationship has moved from that to housemates and sometime girlfriends. How do you handle your partner's anger and confusion? As one sister told me, in your partner's eyes you are the ultimate other woman who has stolen her man and he isn't coming back. She still goes into fight mode to try and re-win what was hers but somewhere along the way realizes it is futile because he is finally becoming what he was supposed to be all along.

 

I am luckier than some since in the smallish city I live in there is a psychiatrist and counselor, and my family doctor feels comfortable in dispensing the hormones which will begin my eventual complete transition. I identify as Joanna and live that way as much as possible however I have several hurdles to overcome before I can live the way I should full time. For those reading this who think they might have a Gender Identity problem I would recommend that you find a gender knowledgeable counselor and start exploring the issue with them. The acceptance of your gender status and the official diagnosis are not the end of the road, they are the beginning; there is no one to tell you just how far you must walk down the transition trail except yourself. I think in the back of the mind of every new transman or transwoman is the idea of SRS/GRS (sex reassignment surgery/ genial reassignment surgery). The procedure is expensive and IS NOT covered by most private or employer medical insurances.  

Ok so you now have your official diagnosis and all is going to be rosey right, slow down sister all is not as it seems now you have to make several big and life changing decisions things like:

• How do I come out to my partner (if I'm in a relationship) 

• How about my blood family, how many of them can I trust well enough to tell 

• Same for my friends 

• How do I tell my employer that this man who has been working for them is actually a woman and what will their reaction be. I suggest you get to know your state's/province's labor laws so you can at least tell them that if they decide to fire you because of this there will be a human rights and labor relations board challenge. 

• Once you change your name you need to deal with things like utilities, landlords, driver’s licenses, car titles, land titles, banks and a seemingly endless list of things which need to have names changed on. 

• not to mention planning things like electrolysis to remove unwanted hair (if you are transitioning to female) 

• this list is actually quite long and some would say endless, but I included these to give you an idea what lays ahead.

 

Since being diagnosed and beginning to live part time (in the house only for now) as a woman I am not only calmer but see things more clearly. For once in my life I know what lies ahead and know the trail I must walk to attain my goals. So what's ahead on this road for Joanna, my roadmap looks something like this:

• April 2009 official diagnosis 

• May 2009 baseline blood work (free testosterone, lipids, CBC[red cells], General Chem., and prolactin) 

• June 2009 

o counseling, appointment with family doc (should get my hormone prescription at this time)

• July 2009 psychiatrist appointment (get carry letter at this time) 

• that’s as far out as I want to look right now 

Remember you may try to hide this condition, and for decades may have somewhat succeeded; however it is all about to become very public very fast.

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Of S.O.’s, Curve Ball.s and Space Time

Odd title I know but hopefully all will come clear as I contineue and give you part two of Joanna’s Journey.

I had my last doctor’s appointment on June 12 and was expecting to get the prescriptions for my anti-androgen and estrogen at that time. I got to the appointment and we went over the blood work, most of which was normal, there was a slight elevation in one of the liver enzymes but it wasn’t enough to really scare my doctor. Just at the point in time where I expected my doctor to reach for her prescription pad, and give me what I actually went there for she tossed a curve ball at me. She did two things, one was reach for a lab request form to get more blood work done (to monitor the liver and check for Hepatitis and HIV); she then told me that they wanted me to do two months RLE (this is where you live and work as a woman) before they would consider hormones.

Since then I have been living as a woman about 95% of the time; it is a bit awkward being female at work because of some of some of the customers and some of the staffers; however I’m working on that too since there is going to come a time where I can’t hide it anymore. I have a follow up with my doctor on June 30 to check the blood work; hopefully all will be well. I will ask if we can begin the HRT then since I’ve been living fulltime and have attended one major statewide conference dressed gender appropriately. If anyone at that meeting figured out that there was more to me than how I presented they didn’t say anything.

 

Even though I don’t yet have my carry letter (the one which describes my gender disorder and that I have to dress as a female as part of the treatment) and haven’t yet started HRT (hormone replacement therapy) I manage to pass quite well about 90% of the time. I have figured out the secret to not being scrutinized too heavily if I need to use the bathroom. The secret is to simply walk in like you belong and have the same right to use it as any of the other women. Self-consciousness and nervousness will get you clocked (found out) and get you more scrutiny than you want, need or can handle.

As I mentioned in the last part of my story, my partner was not happy about my transgender status or the journey I found myself on. I did resolve to give her all the time and space she wanted, and thought she needed to get used to this turn of events. On one message service for transsexuals that I frequent I complained about how she was behaving only to be told that she is now going through the pain that I have had forty plus years to figure out how best to deal with. Not only that but it turns the entire relationship on its head, and makes a total mess of all promises made in the wedding vows. Chances are that you will face any or all of these statements “I’m not lesbo (lesbian)”, “I want a divorce”, “You’re being selfish, this is all about you”. There are several thousand others which you might face, all of which will hurt and many will feel like cold steel slicing your heart and soul.

If your partner doesn’t immediately chuck you out the door or leave herself you might decide to offer to move into a spare room or onto the couch so that she at least has some privacy and space to start figuring things out. I sleep on a wonderful airbed in the spare room; it has allowed us to figure things out without being in each other’s face all of the time. In many ways, despite the rhetoric, my partner has always been partially supportive. She has always been willing to go with me to buy clothing and things, however for the longest time she didn’t want to see me dressed. However she was with me when I was told that I had to do RLE before hormones, since then she has been wonderful about accepting my dress code and is (90% of the time) using my proper name and the right pronouns. Now as girlfriends it is really fun going shopping with her, she has a good sense of color and coordination, and that plays well with the one I have so we both get clothes which not only look good on us but also look good when we are out together.

Our relationship is slowly changing and improving, I don’t know if the marriage can be saved but we are no longer enemies (well on opposite ends of a family feud). There seems to be something else developing but I’m going to keep that one close to the chest since I don’t know if it will actually happen and don’t want to jinx the process by jumping the gun. Most gender female partners and spouses don’t initially handle this scenario well for reasons I will get into later.

OK that deals with S.O.’s and curve ball.s but how the heck does space time find its way into this discussion. More appropriately it should be space and time once you come out to people they have four choices:

•Accept you, your condition and the changes that will be happening

•Tell you that you are an abomination before God and to get out of their life and not come back (this reaction may be quite rare)

•Initially react with anger, hurt and pain but not immediately toss you out on your head

•Tell you to get out of the house or to leave themselves (unfortunately this reaction is all too common)

If you have one of those angels who accepts you and your changes and still wants to be with you, my friend you have indeed found a rare woman. I would advise that you do all you can to maintain and build this relationship since she will be most valuable to you when the insanity of HRT begins and emotionally you don’t know which way is up.

In many ways the second reaction is really the forth one with the addition of religion. There is little you can do to fight it so if either of the two happens to you, my deepest sympathies, but it is time to start trying to figure out where you are going to camp for the coming nights.

The more common reaction that of anger, hurt and pain gives you many more options since there is room for you to try and find ways of accommodating your need to be a woman and at the same time to be working on the new parameters of the relationship. Here is where the space time (space and time) comes in since you partner is going to need lots of both to figure out how she is going to deal with the new you. For me it has taken the better part of three months for my partner to get to the place she is. There is still work for both of us to do but at least I don’t feel quite so much like a pariah.

Sister you are in this for the long haul, or at least I hope you are, you have plenty of space and time to allow others to seek their own peace with what you are doing. Society doesn’t want to understand us, and may just wish we would shrivel up and blow away. However that is not going to happen, keep your head up and know that you are doing what needs to be done to feel complete.

[Guest Martin]

I'm sorry you lost so much. I hope that this journey will be worth it to you and that you'll finally find happiness. You sound far less stuck and more hopeful than in the last post of your I read.

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

I'm sorry you lost so much. I hope that this journey will be worth it to you and that you'll finally find happiness. You sound far less stuck and more hopeful than in the last post of your I read.

This is one part of an on going saga, so far I am up to three parts and may eventually put them in book form. This one was written some time ago in response to a request from Vanessa Lawson @ Cross Dresser Heaven. She and I had been corresponding and she asked me to send her my story, I let her know that my story wasnt finished and would be more of a serial than a one off. She was receptive to the idea and so far has published part one, this bit, with me holding the copyright.

Part two is posted in this thread but is awaiting approval

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

OF HRT, COUNSELORS, AND DELAYS

Joanna’s Journey Part 3

Terminology and delays

Over the last two essays about my journey I have introduced much in the line of terminology that may be unfamiliar to those not knowledgeable about the Transsexual path. In this essay I continue my story and will attempt to explain some of that terminology.

Frustrations, delays and headaches

All is not smooth sailing on the waters of Trans, there are times when:

•The person feels like the medical community doesn’t care about them

•Their counselor, psychiatrist or general practitioner has their own agenda and won’t do anything about hormones (HRT) or any of the patient’s concerns until something in the medic’s agenda is satisfied

•As I pointed out in my first essay there are other frustrations, those of coming out to friends, family, church members, employers and others

•The seemingly endless financial demands of transition which have to be balanced against the more immediate, pressing and required financial demands of simple day to day living. Given the choice between hormones and milk for the kids, milk must have priority.

Feeling down, somewhat depressed and angry seems to be an integral part of transition; you should see a doctor if your symptoms last past 2 or 3 days and especially if you have thoughts of suicide. The suicide rate among pre-op transmen and women is at least 30% with many having at least one attempt before the age of 20. Please don’t become another statistic.

 

On to my situation, over the last few weeks I think I have experienced the highs and lows of transition, from passing well at a state wide conference to the low of having to yet again go to war with one of my transition team about beginning HRT. Here I am four months post diagnosis, twenty one days into RLE and still yet to start HRT. For me passing is as much about dressing, attitude, and movement as it is about makeup and hairdos. I am frustrated that my therapist and Dr. don’t seem to share the same sense of urgency about HRT that I do; indeed they want to slow me down. I have been waiting most of my life for this to happen why do they want to keep me from my journey any longer?

Don’t get me wrong there is nothing wrong with Cross Dressing, or Cross Dressers it is just that isn’t where I am at nor is it where I wish to stay, but without hormones that is what I am. These quotes from journal entries of mine should sum up my feelings nicely:

"To be blunt without hormones I am naught but a cross dresser. Cross dressing, while alleviating some of the problem, is not enough. The longer I am left in this netherworld the less help it is going to be. Some of the ladies on a site I frequent have suggested privately to me that if things don’t straighten out I should look to the internet for spironolactone and Estradiol. I really don’t know about that but it would begin to force some hands, if I get desperate enough who knows, it might be the way to go."

"What will I do if HRT seems to be a moving target and I am left as a cross dresser?

I don’t know, however I have no intention of stopping this transition. IF my current team does not wish to assist me any further or keeps throwing roadblocks in front of me I will be forced to find a new therapist who will assist me in my transition, and if I have to go to the city hopefully we can handle it by phone to ease up on the transport costs.

What is it going to take to get HRT started?

Am I the only one this matters to?

Has someone, somewhere decided to play a cruel joke and just keep stringing me along with no intention of allowing me to continue?

It is not something I would be proud of doing but it would be a way for me to force the issue. If I keep getting put off, the buck keeps getting passed around I may have to turn to the internet for help in forcing some hands."

The last paragraph is one born of frustration at the delays and seeming intransigence of my transition team. It does seem that those who are willing to take that step (one that is not recommended or advised by any transperson or doctor) do end up on supervised HRT faster.

Right now it doesn’t seem to matter how I push, what I say, or how I try to get my team to see my urgency they only want to move at their own glacial pace. Being as how I live in a smaller center and right now don’t have the money to commute to the city for therapy I will have to keep fighting this bunch. Sooner or later I will get them to give me what I need but until then I have to wonder if they care.

By now some of you may be wondering why I am putting together such a dark and some would say negative missive, bluntly WELCOME TO REALITY. Transition is not all fun and games, yellow brick roads, and beds of thornless roses; it is a lot of pain, sweat, heart ache, frustration, emotional turmoil, broken relationships, self doubt and self reflection. The end, being complete, the discontinuity between brain and body fixed, is well worth the price.

There are those of us, in transition, who have suffered with the discontinuity for 40, 50, 60 or more years, in many ways we envy those of you who find out young and have the majority of your lives to transition and enjoy the fruits of that transition. However there is one thing that we don’t have to worry about; whether or not we ever plan on expanding the world population. Those of us whose transitions occur in the middle years of life are probably well past that point. For those of you male or female whose transitions are occurring in the prime child bearing years please consider banking eggs or sperm against the possibility of wanting genetically linked children in the future. My reason for emphasizing this is that the hormones will eventually chemically castrate you, rendering the creation of children impossible.

Despite the darkness and despair of some hours and days of my transition there have been some successes and some of them notable ones. In my last essay Of S.O.'s Curve Ball.s and Space Time I opened the subject of giving your significant other or others all the space and time (hence the reference to Space Time) they want and need to accept or reject your diagnosis and gender path. Many will initially react with anger, due to the pain and turmoil you have just caused, remember unlike us they haven’t had the majority of their lives to prepare for this day. As I mentioned earlier, I am now 4 months post diagnosis and as you may know from other essays I have been down that road of hatred, anger, recriminations and accusations by my SO. I gave her the time she wanted and needed, as well as not insisting on sleeping in the bedroom with her, this is part of giving her space.

Your partner will need someplace private to get away and be alone with their thoughts, maybe to call a trusted friend and seek advice from that quarter, female partners more so than male ones will seek counsel from trusted friends. Just because they say they don’t want you anymore or they are not lesbians, doesn’t mean that given time and space they won’t come around to finding a way that they can accept who you are, and are becoming. As a result of not pressuring her to accept me and allowing her time to get her head around it, there have now been some positive developments in our relationship, however I am not willing to say publicly what those developments are.

I talked with my manager at work last night and flat out asked her when she thought it would be good for me to begin my transition at work her reply, after the day I’d had, was music to my ears; she told that as long as what I wore fit the dress code and wasn’t over the top she didn’t mind when I started. That ended the day on a really good note.

 

On to the terminology:

• Transsexual/Transexual: A person whose brain map of whom they are doesn’t line up with how they are physically. They may have a female brain in a male body or male brain in a female body.
  
• Transman: a Female to Male transsexual (FTM)
  
• Transwoman: a Male to Female transsexual (MTF)
  
• Transkid: a person, male or female, who transitions before full adulthood
  
• HRT: Hormone Replacement Therapy: A course of therapy whereby the body is flooded with hormones of the desired gender, Estrogen for MTF’s and Testosterone for FTM’s. The MTF version is similar to, but much stronger than, the HRT prescribed for post menopausal women and is generally given concurrently with an anti-androgen to stop the effects of testosterone.
  
• RLE/RLT: Real Life Experience / Real Life Test The time in transition where you live and work as your target gender, this is often used (inappropriately) by therapists as a confirmation of diagnosis. Based on the theory that if the person can thrive in the target gender then the diagnosis must have been correct. However a skilled cross dresser could do the same thing. If you are pre-HRT like I am then not only is this the most thrilling time of your transition but it is also the scariest since you don’t have the assistance of any form of feminization and may not be fully confident in your appearance and how well you pass. One secret here is confidence, if you think you don’t belong say in the women’s rest room, you will be clocked, or read every time. Walk in like you own the place and have every right to be there, they don’t have toilet cams to check your plumbing so you don’t need to worry.
  
• SO: Significant other your partner (male or female) you don’t need to be married for them to be an SO. This applies to gay, lesbian, and Bi relationships as well. Your SO is the one whom you are closest to and with whom you share your deepest secrets.
  
• Coming out The act of admitting openly who and what you are and beginning the often painful process of telling others about it. This step should be done before RLE because one good reading by someone who knows you as male can forcibly out you to the planet. This is also the time where you may watch old and formerly solid relationships get rocked to their core. Many will not survive this but those that do will quite often be strengthened beyond belief.
  
• Outed Being found out and then publicly having the information spread by someone you haven’t authorized to do so. It used to annoy me no end when my SO outed me to someone just so she could get advice from them. However the further along this journey I go the less it worries me, after all I am on RLE and most of the town has seem me out dressed gender appropriately (en femme as it is known in some circles).
  
• Read, clocked:The act of someone seeing through your attempt at being a woman and recognizing that you are, to them, a man in a women’s clothing. This may or may not lead to any difficulty for you; sometimes you will notice someone spending an inordinate time looking you over. They may just be trying to figure you out.
  

Stay tuned for part 4