Got Caught

[Guest Fran]

My wife just found part of my stash which included my breast forms and bras. This is my second marriage and I said it was left over by an old girl friend. I'm not sure she bought it, but wasn't ready for the truth.

[Guest NeverSayNever]

I'm sorry she found your stash before you were ready to tell her.

If she acts like she normally does, then there's a very good chance she's bought it but if she seems wary then she probably doesn't believe you.

Are you planning on telling her at some point?

[Guest Fran]

I'm sorry she found your stash before you were ready to tell her.

If she acts like she normally does, then there's a very good chance she's bought it but if she seems wary then she probably doesn't believe you.

Are you planning on telling her at some point?

I am not sure.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Well, Sweetie....

You can get your way through the catches for years...Each and every one a "WHEW" moment when you think that you squeaked by....

Only to find out later that each and every time was a bust! They knew...

Or you can get to the matter....and come clean....

I CD'd for 40 years and when I came out to my wife that I was Trans ....she had no idea that I had ever done it!

She said..."When?"...."Where?" "How?" ....

We can be sneaky...

I wasn't proud....it just was......

Good Luck, Sweetheart....

Donna Jean

[Guest Emily H]

Goodness, I would be quite out of my wits if that happened to me! The important thing is to keep cool. You must evaluate know, given this situation..are you ready to come out to her? Is it a good idea/ Do you want to?

Those are important questions, and this incident is a good time to think about those.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hi Fran,

Everyone deals with their own situation their own way. All I can say is this... you cannot hide forever. I know for myself, coming out to my immediate family was so releiving. I could finally be myself. Like you, I hid for years. Hiding was a big part of my divorce. It was years after my divorce did I come clean to my ex and kids. They all accept me now.

Hope this helps

Brenda

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Yes - my wife found my bra, breast forms and panties. Unfortunately I was wearing them at the time! There was no way to explain my way out of that one! GRIN!

So I had been sneaky (like Donna Jean) for ten years - she had no idea! Actually, I subconciously wanted to get caught I think. Going back over what I was doing? I was not cautious anymore toward the end (I don't crossdress anymore, technically. I am full time at home - my wife even told me two days ago to STOP going braless because I showed too much). So it was time.

I wish I had been truthful now, taking her aside and revealing that although she knows me well, there is a little extra she needs to know about! It would have been gentler and she would have had a chance to ease into my gender dysphoria. Getting caught at it is awfully brutal for the catcher, not to mention the catchee.

And your wife - she is giving you the benefit of the doubt - but not really. You are busted! (No pun intended).

So think on this. You won't stop because you can't. She will be watching more closely. The next time you get caught - the words "betrayal and lies" will come into play. And yet - if you do confess - she may or may not accept it.

So there you are...

We all face this eventually.

Lizzy

[Guest Fran]

Thanks for all your suggestions and support. Still not sure what I am going to do.

Fran

[Guest rachael1]

Hi Fran,

There's no chance she believed you, I mean lets face it why would your ex have a stash including breastforms?

She may tell you that she believes you but deep down she knows the truth.

The biggest thing that hurt my wife when i came out to her was her feeling of betrayal, she accused me of lying to her and marrying her on false pretenses. It was hell for a few months but we adapted and moved on, she still isn't happy about the situation but accepts me for who I am.

If you decide to come out to her, plan it well, rehearse what you are going to say to her and try and anticipate her questions.

You also need to be prepared for a hostile reaction - that is how my wife responded.

Hopefully she will eventually accept you, as humans are very adaptive.

It is a lot more fun when you have a partner who supports you then trying to hide a very important part of yourself from your loved ones.

Good luck.

Hugs

Rachael

[Sally]

Fran,

This is going to sound odd coming from someone who was never caught and also lost a wife by telling her but you really need to tell her.

She already knows and the longer you wait to confess - the more the lying aspect gnaws on her.

You need to tell her and explain that you lied that first time because you were startled and frightened and afraid of losing her.

She will understand and accept it better sooner than later and there will be a later if you never tell her.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Donna Jean]

I have to agree with Sally and Rachael..............If you're not caught...you may get away with it for years as I did...

But, once busted.....games over...

You'll need to make amends...

I know that it's hard, but, she is suspicous now and that makes it worse...

It will only be worse with time....

Good Luck, Sweetie!

Hugg

Donna Jean

[Guest AllisonD]

Helen Boyd's book My Husband Betty gives great insight on how a wife feels her way through this with her husband. It's a great read, and her honest, open style will give you the perspective you will need to best understand your wife's likely reactions and how to deal with them.

I highly recommend you take advantage of her story first, but then you have to get around to telling your wife. She has invested so much in you, it is only fair you share who you really are with her. Besides, if she didn't call you on the last lie, she just might wind up being supportive.

Regardless, it's the right thing to do - it's a part of you and she needs to know.

Allison

[Guest Penelope]

Dear Fran,

I can't but agree with the last three wise ladies.

There's no guarantee that she will like the truth but your SO deserves to know about this fundamental part of your being.

Lies or suspicion of them will eventually corrupt your relationship like a rotten apple at the bottom of a barrel.

Mine caught me red handed, and was more upset by the concealment than about what was being concealed.

Be bold,

Penelope xx

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Fran

The verdicts in. But understand this will destroy a part of your marriage you will have to rebuild. So when doing that you MUST not tell any additional lies. Don't embellish either. BUT especialy DON"T unload all at one time if you can help it. Ask her to let you come out in small bits. My wife would say "Tell me, I can take it." But she couldn't. She finally agreed to let me explain things slowly over a month. Your first instict will be to unload all at one time.

Also - don't present yourself dressed for a while. Even if she insists.

Small bites - Small bites

Good luck

Lizzy

[Guest Guest_]

I had a habit of borrowing my former mother inlaws lingrie. Was caught red handed by her wearing one of her bras and a pair of panties. Tried to explain to her and my wife , but neither one would have anything to do with it. 6 months later: End of Story. No wife, No mother inlaw. Amber L.

[Guest Melissa~]

Amber one big lesson I have learned is people that claim acceptance and/or tolerance have a whole different standard of what they mean if it's in their life. In other words they are lying for good public face, but the truth will come out in default.

In other words, I'll adopt Dr House's "everybody lies" line.

[Guest Eve Caillard]

I can only speak for myself, but being truthful and open with my wife was my very first thought and I swallowed my fear and did it. OK she's not keen, but she accepts and tolerates with certain rules. And I'd far rather be in this place than trying to hide. Because we're open with each other, I can buy my clothes and have my dressed days (when she's out), and I can store them without fear. There was one day she raided my cupboard and took a hangar from a nice dress of mine. When I light-heartedly confronted her, she just said "tough" and "if you can't live with it I'll take the dress, too, as It's lovely." She was smiling and this is a good way to be, even if she can't fully accept my ways.

Hope my angle helps.

XX Eve

[Guest Gypsyfeenix]

I'm a wife of someone transitioning, and when I found the stash, I was floored. Early on, I didn't realize the dressing up had progressed so far.

I can honestly tell you I would have preferred the truth than a lie.

She will probably never be "ready" to hear it, but the longer it drags out, the worse it will be, because she will have known that you were being dishonest with her all this time.

Regardless of everything else, she is your partner, and you will need her support. Not telling her, out of all people, will only be a negative. If she loves you like I love my partner, then she will want to know.

[Guest Eve Caillard]

Hi Gypsyfeenix

I totally agree with you. When by accident I rediscovered my cross-dressing side last year, and now married, I read as much as I could and all the advice said what you say: speak out and tell the truth early. I am glad I did. It honours our trust with each other and we both know where we stand going forward. It is better this way. Besides, I know my wife so well that I knew it would not be a 'break' issue. So we make our accommodation and we share jokes about it. She has her rules, I have a CD life.

Eve

[Guest Gypsyfeenix]

Hi Gypsyfeenix

I totally agree with you. When by accident I rediscovered my cross-dressing side last year, and now married, I read as much as I could and all the advice said what you say: speak out and tell the truth early. I am glad I did. It honours our trust with each other and we both know where we stand going forward. It is better this way. Besides, I know my wife so well that I knew it would not be a 'break' issue. So we make our accommodation and we share jokes about it. She has her rules, I have a CD life.

Eve

Hi Eve,

I'm glad you were able to speak with your partner. Sometimes we can surprise you

I know when I found out that we had more frilly silky things than I knew about, I was more upset that she HADN'T told me than about the actual act of putting it on.

Heck, now we cruise eBay and pick out things that we think each other would like

[Guest DavinaG]

Coming out for anyone is not easy but if you can't be honest with your spouse who can you turn to. I don't fully dress for my wife but she knows I do it and buys me things in an effort to help and understand. There is nothing to be ashamed of but she likely needs to be educated on the whole gender spectrum and how it applies to you. It is better that she knows the full truth rather than jumping to conclusions in her mind about the possibilities that are not the reality.

This is your choice but think about it.

[Guest gg_br_alex]

My wife just found part of my stash which included my breast forms and bras. This is my second marriage and I said it was left over by an old girl friend. I'm not sure she bought it, but wasn't ready for the truth.

The best advice one can give about relationships is: BE HONEST. Lies themselves create issues that are FAR bigger than those the they're meant to hide in the first place. Once you find out that the person you share your life with has lied to you about something so sensible, the whole idea you've made about that person may start to crack and vanish. And with that also comes a lot of suffering.

Crossdressing is NOT something one can (or at least should) hide from a spouse, because at some point, you'll get caught. It is simple logic: however good you are at something (in the case, crossdressing in secrecy), you are bound to FAIL at that something at some given point.

Unless you divorce your wife before she finds out, she WILL find out, eventually. And even if she would have been OK with it, now that she's found out for herself (which may be interpreted of not being trustworthy), she might not be able to take it. And if she doesn't accept it, the marriage might be over anyway. Meaning that lying is an "strategy" that is bound to fail.

I am in a relationship right now and my girlfriend totally respects and accepts that I crossdress. After knowing what that is like, it is impossible to even think about settling for less than that. So I can't thank me enough for being honest about it.

[Guest Eve Caillard]

Hi Fran

How are you getting on? Have you an update for us? Hoping things are OK!

Hugs

Eve

[Guest sarah_uk]

I wish my SO had caught me much earlier now, obviously at the time it was scary as anything, but she was very accepting, now she seems to prefer the female side of me to the normal side of me!

Obviously it could have gone the other way, everyone reacts in different ways and their is no way of knowing in advance how a situation will turn out.

I guess, after finding the items she may already have guessed, but is not pushing you to admit anything yet. Could be wrong, she might be oblivious, but I doubt it.