"gaydar"

[Guest My_Genesis]

Okay, here's the deal. I recently just recalled something that happened in high school, im thinking it was in 10th grade. I had this friend who claimed she has gaydar (I haven't seen her in ages, we are just Facebook friends now lol). And, at the time, I was still kinda confused about my sexuality as well as gender identity..like, i really wasn't sure if I wanted to physically be a guy. I think it's partially because I was in denial and partially because I was so hesitant about surgery and transitioning rather than being impatient and wanting to just gt it done already. so i figured i'd have her use her gaydar on me. (she always stared people in the eyes she said she can read it in people's eyes.) so after squinting and tilting her head a bit, she said "yours is kinda confusing. I saw 'straight' but then I also saw some attraction to girls.."

so now, almost 4 years later, I'm thinking, "woah, she was good.."

lol

and at the time i can't remember whether or not i had mentioned anything to her about being trans, because that may have influenced what she said. i feel like i mentioned it to her at some point....i think i at least may have mentioned being confused about my sexuality, if anything.

So yeah...got me to asking..do you think the idea of "gaydar" has any validity to it?

After an experience like that i think it can..

I think there was also a study done recently, saying some people can "read" people's sexual orientations by looking into their eyes so...

Food for thought

[Guest Elizabeth K]

There is 'transdar.' I talked with my therapist about how suddenly I can now see so many MTFs and FTMs around, when I wasn't that cognizant of them before. She says that is typical because I know the typical problems we transpeople have in transitioning. For example, no matter how femainzed we MTF can get our bodies to go, we still have larger hands and feet. Plus the voice gets pretty passable for most, but is slightly lower in pitch sometimes. And there is the height problems, which is typical of a FTM, - there is not much a 5'6" transperson can do to get taller, or a 6'1' transperson to get shorter. Another cue on a FTM is the excessive tatooing.

My therapist also said that as a 14 year old girl growing breasts, mine will be 'perky' compared to other women my age, who have had 40 years of gravity working on them. Also my face will look younger because men and women show lines differently when they wrinkle. Never thought of all that.

Transdar? Few people seem to have it except other trans. I know some of us are darn obvious... but after a few years we seem to transition all the way and disappear.

Gaydar? I see that. I also see that the a gay person can read a stranger somehow, probably for similar reasons as the transdar. I was fascinated by this gaydar when I was young and actually asked gay men friends how I read. I was trans back then, not out of the closet. None ever read me as 'gay.' But more strangely, they never read me as trans either. I suggest I was too 'female' for their tastes, not effeminate, or even particularly feminine, but not "man' enough for them to be intested in me. In the language of the time - I put out the wrong 'vibes' for them.

And I have had three wives - I don't know why, but they all three were in a two-girl, no-brother family - and the youngest girl. Perhaps I was the older sister image to them. Donno.

Just some thoughts

Elizabeth Anne

[Guest Pól]

to a limited extent...yes.

there are definitely people I know who have excellent 'gaydar.' some are straight, most are gay.

my gaydar sucks. it's kind of become a running joke among my friends.

[Sally]

I don't really have any Gaydar or maybe I just never use it because I honestly don't care.

What someone else does that doesn't involve me does not involve me - got the idea.

I have never cared if someone was trans after I heard about it and still denied myself admitting to it.

I was asked about it once while working in a record store a transphobic friend of mine thought he saw a trans women and asked me if I were dating a girl and found out that she used to be a man what would I do?

I sort of didn't answer, I got a phone call and left, but in reality at the time I was thinking to myself, it would depend on the person - if she was really nice and I loved her how could I just dump her, but what would other people say and that was when I decided that I would stay with her.

I don't think about that often but it is one of the things that bothers me when SOs decide to leave because I have already done that soul searching and know that I would stay.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest skyy]

mine is pretty decient. then again, i just read people pretty well. i dont know how it works, but usually i'm right on the money. the only thing is i have to try and look for it for it to work.

[Guest (Lightsider)]

You have to be careful with that TRANDAR....LOL I ran into one lady who I could have swore was trans....BZZZZZ WRONG. She was natal Female. Large hands..check...adams apple...check...tall...check...masculine bone structure...check large feet...check DEEP VOICE!!! DING DING DING...must be trans!

Talk about embarrassing...

Lesson learned...Don't judge a book by it's cover.

NEXT!

[Paula ult]

Years before i started transition i had pretty good gaydar at least with guys, girls for some reason were harder for me to tell unless the were holding hands and such. Now that I'm in transition i still have the gaydar but now in addition have transdar, and as gaydar I'm able to pick up on MtF much easier then FtM, it is probably cause I'm one of them now and know what to look for, as Lizzy said i also pick up on the big hands, big feet, shoulders, height, adams apple and male mannerisms that are hard to change. Not everyone sets it off but once in a while i see someone that sets my transdar off, the ones i notice i think are stealth and i would never out them unless they said something first, then again i could be wrong but i have pretty good instincts.

Paula

[Guest Evan_J]

See, I think its a matter of being more aware of "X" and since folks are most aware of themselves they become most aware of people "the same as" themselves.

My grandma (and maybe other peeps grama's or who ever have said stuff like this so its in no way meant to be offensive) when talking about suuuuper fair biracial people back in her day in the south, folks who often "passed" as caucasian used to say "the black people always knew though; you can always tell your own".

When I hung out and partied and thought I was a "mack" and all that my best friend always said (reminding me of it ) "game always knows game" . Two players can always identify each other.

Living amongst the lesbians? As a teen I "had poor gaydar" I (it turned out) would be drawn to gay people but then consciously be "uncertain" as to whether ther actually were straight or not. but once I was "emersed" in gay culture and saw my fill of lesbian women, it became "impeccable". I could see the straightest looking girl in the world, with her bio boyfriend and even if she had a baby "know" that she did women.

I think "transdar" is the same way.

[Guest Emily Violet]

i figured out someone was trans when i was little we went to get pizza on the oregon coast and we went in to order and i noticed the lady had really big hands and was really tall since i was young i didnt know i was all like she looks kinda like a boy but i know shes not it was the first expierence that i remember with transsexual other than me

[Guest Neuro]

I have no gaydar or anything o___o I can't tell who'se who! I am blind ot even most bio male and female OTL faliuuurrre!

[Guest My_Genesis]

hmm..i meant for this to be a poll...musta screwed somethin up...oh well. lol

i don't have very good gaydar...i dont think i have very good transdar either. There are mtf's I've seen in pics online and stuff I wouldve probably otherwise thought were bio-women, and there are bio-women i think look trans. ftm's, to me, all either look just like guys or androgynous, but a lot of bioguys look androgynous so that means nothing...

kinda feel like getting someone i dont know very well to try it on me now lol

i have horrible gaydar...except it seems with girls i have some sort of reverse gaydar. idk if it's an attraction thing, but sometimes i can look at a girl and be like "into guys." depending on the person there are different 'signal strengths' so really the only way i can maybe guess that someone (female) is gay is when there's no signal at all

with guys...forget it, lol.

[EVAN_DESU]

I have no gaydar or anything o___o I can't tell who'se who! I am blind ot even most bio male and female OTL faliuuurrre!

xD

Me too.

We can fail together, lol. ^^

<3

[Guest Evan_J]

Neuro, MG, and Evan (based on my theory) my question then would be have any/do any of you socialize A LOT with gay or lesbian people and I dont mean one person who you knew once and hardly talk to . I mean as a "group". Do you or have you ever spent time in the gay clubs (the type of "regular" where you know the regular peeps by face) ? Became "known" in those circles? Partied and hung out with primarily gay and or lesbian people (book club, biking group, political group)? Because then you might see a difference.

Me? I'm having my very first, straight, nontrans, friend(who isn't a relative and with the exception of one cismale co-worker who could wrap his head around me as "just another guy") after dang near 20 years.

[Guest Neuro]

Haha, nope; Evan_J. I actually er *choke* don't know anyone, so maybe since I'm not used to humans I can't tell them apart <8D;;;

Even when it comes to race or ethnicity I am such an idiot--hispanic from white, Korean from Hawaiian etc. I don't mean to sound insensitive ;_____o I just think most people in looks and actions at the very least get lumped together. ; Sorry.

[Guest AllisonD]

Evan, your points are well taken. Donna has terrific gaydar. Male and female. She can spot a girlfriends and boyfriends instantly, without a second glance. I didn't believe at first, but after a couple of years of never missing a single time I called her on her call, I am a believer. Similarly, they seem to spot her too, although perhaps that's not so tough, she is quite butch. Boyfriends, as she calls gay men, often treat her to free upgrades, extra deserts, whatever, depending on their occupation and how she encounters them on her travels. There is something there that just connects without a word being spoken.

Donna was a lead singer and lead guitar in a lesbian band that played the lesbian and gay clubs in her area. That's how she made her living during her early adult years. So she was completely immersed in the gay/lesbian culture. But she says she has had the gardar talent since she was a younger teen. She has a male cousin, also gay, that is just as good as she is at it. I've seen him do it, it is amazing.

I've been trans and out my whole life, and I don't have any gaydar at all. All the markers have to be there and I still miss it half the time. Perhaps I am just oblivious and it really doesn't matter to me. Donna has a lifelong non-romantic GF that she is still very close to (for that matter, I am close to her too), and this GF, also lesbian, has nowhere near the gaydar capability of Donna and they shared the same life as if they were twins (they even resemble each other). They have been practically joined at the hip for > 30 years. So maybe it's genetic? Donna and her cousin truly have this talent. The GF doesn't, and I certainly don't.

Allison

Neuro, MG, and Evan (based on my theory) my question then would be have any/do any of you socialize A LOT with gay or lesbian people and I dont mean one person who you knew once and hardly talk to . I mean as a "group". Do you or have you ever spent time in the gay clubs (the type of "regular" where you know the regular peeps by face) ? Became "known" in those circles? Partied and hung out with primarily gay and or lesbian people (book club, biking group, political group)? Because then you might see a difference.

Me? I'm having my very first, straight, nontrans, friend(who isn't a relative and with the exception of one cismale co-worker who could wrap his head around me as "just another guy") after dang near 20 years.

[Guest Evan_J]

.....this GF, also lesbian, has nowhere near the gaydar capability of Donna and they shared the same life as if they were twins (they even resemble each other). They have been practically joined at the hip for > 30 years. So maybe it's genetic? Donna and her cousin truly have this talent. The GF doesn't, and I certainly don't.

Allison

Now see that is interesting to me. AND makes me want to go "why". Then too, there are folks who speculate as to whether or not homosexuality/variance runs in family lines. I for one have (just in my age group) 2 lesbian cousins, 2 gay male and one potentially other trans guy though not necessarily wanting to transition (we've never discussed any of that me and this last person). Though older than me by a generation growing up were 2 more lesbians by marriage (genetic siblings and both lesbian....) and an older, blood, distant cousin who only through eavesdropping as a child I "know" was trans in some way shape or form because it was the first time I heard someone who wanted an oorchiectomy.

I know there was/ has been a lot of questioning /research as to the link genetically for homosexuality. And whether or not it in the end was determined to be conclusive I coudn't tell you. But I do know they've made some assertions as to the likelihood of transgenderism occuring amongst siblings with the likelihood of it occuring amongst twins , especially identical, being indicative that its more likely if one is both are.

[Guest CharlieRose]

See, I think its a matter of being more aware of "X" and since folks are most aware of themselves they become most aware of people "the same as" themselves.

My grandma (and maybe other peeps grama's or who ever have said stuff like this so its in no way meant to be offensive) when talking about suuuuper fair biracial people back in her day in the south, folks who often "passed" as caucasian used to say "the black people always knew though; you can always tell your own".

Of course, as Lightsider pointed out, there's always that danger of finding things because you're looking for them, not 'cause they're there. Like I read an interview with JK Rowling where she said she had all these wiccan fans who thought she was supporting them. And she's like, "Uh, no, that's not the point of Harry Potter, no."

And I have a gay friend who sometimes crushes on straight men and claims to see the gay in them, and it's just like, "No, no, just because you want them and want them to want you back, it doesn't mean it's actually happening." I do that too, sometimes.

I remember the first transguy I ever saw was one I read way before I knew I was trans. I was at the Orthodontist's office and this kid walked out and I was like, "I think that's a girl... Huh. A boy-girl." and then thought that was neat. I think he stayed in my thoughts for a while... I can remember riding my bike and wondering about it. Maybe god was trying to give me a sign that totally flew over my head, lol.

[Guest NicolaiAE]

I might have Gaydar but I'm not sure. Sometimes I can look at people and know but other times its like "wait, what?"

Normally I let the people with it find me...I think its creepy though, people staring at you for no reason.

But who am I kidding *shrugs* I'm a people watcher...I stare ._.

[Guest My_Genesis]

To answer Evan's question....

no, I've never become that involve with any part of a gay community. tbh i never felt like i fit well into that dynamic...not that i fit in well anywhere..

i just have a well-proportioned amount of gay friends and aquaintances (meaning, similar to the general population, lol.) Most of them are from college, some are from high school, and this one girl who I knew basically since I was born, we were really close friends, but i don't see her much anymore. we just keep in touch on facebook (that seems to be a trend with a lot of my friends, lol)

don't have any rl trans friends....would be nice...

I think its creepy though, people staring at you for no reason.

But who am I kidding *shrugs* I'm a people watcher...I stare ._.

yeah that's true. I'm not really a people watcher, but now that you mention it maybe that has something to do with my ability to read straight-ness on a lot of girls. lol.

[Guest rachael1]

I don't know about looking into someones eyes to determine their sexual preferences or gender orientation, but some people have an inbuilt talent for reading the subtle body language messages we all portray.

I guess this could be perceived as gaydar or transdar.

Rachael