I Feel Like I Stalled, Or Something

[Guest 71christy09]

The last month or so seems to have drug on a bit more then normal. Really it felt like life darned near stalled out, with the exception I was still getting up and going to work most everyday. There were a few odd nights where I got lost in my MMO, EQ2, and around 2am realize that I had consumed a 12 pack, plus a few shots, during the previous 4 to 6 hours and work would be calling in the next 1 or 2. I would have to call in sick, losing precious money I can use elsewhere.

The days I am not working I lurk these forums, the forums and websites I run or just plain get lost in YouTube, Facebook or Everquest 2. I just felt like I had nothing worthwhile to contribute, so why even bother.

I have been anxiously waiting for my 2nd facial hair laser and therapist appointments which are finally upon me and I feel so excited. Actually the laser was yesterday and I was so concerned work was going to call me in right before, but as luck would have it they called about 10 minutes after I left the appointment. Whew I was so relieved.

I am further relieved because it is looking like I do not have to layoff (layoff means to call in Sick, Personal, Vacation or several other ways of taking a day off) to go to my therapist seesion on Monday, as the trip I am on now should get me back home tomorrow night. I do believe that sometimes someone is guiding the movements of the world to make everything work as it should. My therapist wanted me to come back sooner then a month and as I look back on the last month I think it would have been wise for me to do so. I have been desiring to talk to him, but I had some large bills to cover and he just was not in the budget since I am paying for my visits. My last visit with him, he suggested I contact and become a member of the local TG and Cross Dressing club as they are very nice people with a wealth of knowledge and support. So I finally contacted them this week after dragging my rear end, god I love to procrastinate when I am nervous.

There was an interesting event in my life this past month. My last girlfriend and I have stayed in contact, actually she is a friend of 15 plus years and we have dated a few times over the years. She is also a good friend to both of my house mates. Well I was getting distant from her, partly because we had a fling last year while she was in the midst of leaving her husband (he is a loser whom she ultimately went back to), partly because she said she couldn't bear to talk to me and in the same breath couldn't stand not talking to me and partly because she loves me. A few weeks ago it all came to a head when she told me she was glad I was dating again and it is ok if I was gay and wanted to date a crossdresser or a Transgender. She also said something about me cross dressing and it should have been a sign to her when she found out about it last year. Well I pretty much called her on calling TG people gays or Transgender's or crossdressers, you get the picture. I let her have it with everything, pretty much just sank her ship She got really upset, said some really mean things and I told her to get lost. It did not help the matter any she and my house mates were talking behind my back about me, taking little tidbits and fitting them together in their own little map of my life. I let them have it too, telling them that my life is my life and if you want to discuss it with someone, then discuss it with me instead of the whole world. I swear drama follows me around all the darned time.

To make this 5 page story short, my house mates are talking to me again. I have a new girlfriend, but in a non-sexual non dating manner, because I just came right out and told her everything I was doing in my life. There was silence for a day and then a lengthy email wanting more information and links. Plus she has an endless list of questions which I have answered very few because I was in this funky place and told her I would answer them when I was feeling better. I was amazed she accepted this so well and it gave me hope for the rest of my friends, but listening to them talk...

Anyway I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

[Sally]

Well, That was definately a roller coaster ride!

But it seems that at least you have ended on an upswing.

I hope that this next week goes well for you, talking to your thearapist should start it off right.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Whew Christy!

What a month! Wow, you are really living life. Hon, drinking to the point that it affects your job is not healthy. Hon, you do not want to loose your job especially in this market. I am glad that things ended up on a good note for you however.

You have a good weekend to sweetie

HUGS

Brenda

[Guest 71christy09]

Brenda and Sally,

Thankyou for the words of encouragement. I am sure this week will be better, plus I was already feeling a bit better on friday. It just felt like life was really dragging and I wanted to share the reason for my silence.

As far as the drinking goes, I am not too concerned about it because it has been drastically reduced from what it was last year and years prior. Had I not been so engrossed in my online gaming, I am sure I would have been in bed 7 or 8 beers and hours sooner.

[Guest 71christy09]

Since I have been rather silent the last few weeks, I figured it was time to add an update. This past month I have still felt stalled, I do not know how else to describe it.

I still go to work when the phone rings and come home 2 days later. I still sit in front of the computer most days I am at home lurking and posting in all the forums I frequent as well as leveling my alts in Everquest2 (10 levels in a week on my Shadowknight, Woot!!!) in an effort to save money. I still drink, although the consumptation rate has gone down unless friends are over and I still smoke a pack a day (although about half the pack goes up in smoke as I forget about it when I am gaming).

I swear my room mates think something crazy is going on with me or perhaps that is paranoia on my part. I never go barefoot in the house anymore since my toe nails are always meticulously polished in a glorious dark red. I give myself a manicure every week, keeping my finger nails longer then most men do. I would love to find some nail polish that is not clear, but not really a color either. I keep myself completely shaved (I relish the look and feel of my long soft legs) and somewhere I switched from crossing my legs in a "manly" style to the "womanly" style. I pluck my eyebrows a little more each week and my beard growth is noticably bare in places if I miss a day shaving. My hair is getting to the unmangable stage where in the past I usually cut it since there is too much, yet not enough to really style it other then slick it back or spike it up.

Last night one of my room mates asked me how come I was smelling kind of foo-foo (sp?) and I said I didnt know what he was talking about, but it can only be from the lotion or the deoderant (switched from Oldspice to Secret a month ago, just smells sooo much better).

When I go out in public I am always tucked, wearing a four pad panty girdle to get some kind of figure, a medium shirt and the tightest jeans I have. In fact yesterday I found some 501's in my closet I hadn't worn in years, I had to lay on the bed to button them. They looked AWESOME!!! The girdle gave me slight hips and rear while helping to hide any bulge from tucking. I felt so hot, just wished I had some nice flats to go with it. I have a tube of carmex lying around which I always use, but in reality what I am wearing is lip gloss. I have also found a lipstick that is very close to my natural lip color that I wear from time to time as well.

I went to my therapist yesterday and he asked if I had considered going out dressed anytime soon. I told him I have thought about it, but am not quite ready. I did tell him I was going to try wearing some slight makeup yesterday to our session, but that got thrown out because my room mates decided to not go to work yesterday...lame. (they both work for the gov't and are required to take days off lately of their choosing.) I had also told him the other day when I was working on my makeup techniques, I looked in the mirror and as I was admiring my work I saw my mom staring back at me. He asked how she looked and I said she was attractive, he said good.

He asked me what my timeline for starting HRT is since in a few weeks I will have met one of the requirements and he is willing to write the letter now, although he does not want to rush me. I said I need to figure out what to do with work because the EEO policy states it protects gender indentity and sexual identity, but there is more of an emphasis on sexual identity then gender. I need to make sure I will not be fired. I am sure I will be ok since there are quite a few butch lesbians and openly gay men, but I want to be sure since my job falls deep into male dominated culture..."I am a man and this is a mans job". Then there are my parents and friends. But I also told him I wanted to start HRT yesterday, since everyday when I stand before the mirror I look at myself unhappily, wishing I had the courage to do this 13yrs ago when I nearly did.

Well this turned into a longer book then I had planned. I hope you all have a great day!

[Guest angie]

Don't be down on yourself Honey.

You are following the path your mind say's to follow at the pace you are

comfortable with.You do know that a woman can be on HRT for a loooong

time with no one being the wiser don't you?If you add estrogen and keep

your anti androgens at low dosage,you will get the benefits of estrogen,

a deep calm,with the knowledge that you are doing something positive in

the direction you must go,and the change will happen at a much slower pace.

As for a color of polish that is pretty but fairly undetectable,you might try

Cotton Candy.It is a very very light see through pink.You have a good

attitude,know who you are,Go At Your Own Pace Sister.

Big Warm Hugs,

Angelique

[Guest 71christy09]

Angelique,

Thankyou for the nice warm hug and the gentle reminder. Some days I feel I am in a big hurry and I need to do things yesterday, but little reminders that I am able to take things slow are nice. I have been around for 38 years, a few more living as I am won't kill me. Also thankyou for the polish advice, I will look for some.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

You are where I was last October, except I am 24 years older and married. But My feet are always red tipped, my body is always shaved and my hair is now long enough for a ponytail. Also I am OUT except at work. The difference is I am on HRT. Also I do not dress female at work because I am in a construction related feild.

And I passed when pulled over by the State Police on a traffic thing.

So I feel your pain, and I want to say you are at the edge of a new life.

BUT you must get your self acceptance in order, and get your personal life in order. When you get on the HRT - NO DRINKING at all. It interfrs with the absorption rate of the estradoil. Also - this is hard - NO SMOKING! It ruins the skin transformation. The hormones will give you a new radiant womanly complexion, but smoking causes wrinkling.

And you must go slow with HRT. You DON"T come out at work.

So do think hard on where you are going and then if it is in your heart - GO!

It takes two years for your to transition into a woman. After a while on HRT - 6 months for me - you become very androgynous. I don't wear padding anymore either. And my clothing is almost always casual female.

BUT the journey is not easy.

So PLEASE keep us informed as to what is going on in your life. You need like-minded people around you - those of us who are living the same life you are.

Lizzy

I use the Sally Hausen 'natural tint' strong as nails fingernail polish. It has a slight tint in the bottle but is semi-gloss clear when it dries. You may want a slightly darker color? The OPI brand is spectacular for it's long wearability - I get a month out of it, and have to rework it when my nails grow out - it never chips or peels - it is not easy to find. Nail salons carry it.