Yet Another New Face

[Guest J-L]

Hello everyone! How's everything?

Thought I'd register here as I'm one heck of an anomaly considering my sexual identity, and let's face it-- I unfortunately live in a very prejudiced household, so I need some people who understand!

For starters, the name's Jewel. I also go by Jayce or just "J," so feel free to call me whichever you like. I'm also known around the 'Net as "spinningcannon" if you like that name better!

I'm 19 years old and I'm a little ashamed to say so-- ages tend to turn into labels, and as a result I find myself still thought of as a 'teenager' who doesn't know better. I focus on maturity and don't pay any attention to my age anyway, so please don't judge me by a number!

I'm also biologically female, but disregard that completely. I instead consider myself a neutrois, which basically means "I don't consider myself to have any gender." If you saw me on the street, though, you might think I was an androgyne-- I go to great pains to look as masculine as I realistically can, if only to 'neutralize' my feminine characteristics (which I admittedly despise).

Lastly, I'm an INFP personality type, which says a lot.

Now for the real specifics-- I am every one of the following:

1) Asexual (No interest/desire in sex; not sexually attracted to any gender)

2) Antisexual (Negative views towards sexuality in any form) (Severe-- I tend to react very violently)

3) Neutrois (Personally identifies as neither gender) (Severe-- I am hellbent on getting FTN surgery)

4) Schizoid (link--yes, I've been diagnosed)

5) Celibate (I'm still not 100% sure if I fit, but I seem to match the criteria)

6) Polyamorous (Loving multiple individuals-- but in the platonic sense for me!)

I also want to apologize for my perceived attitude. I often tend to come across as cold or distant (probably my SPD), but I'm honestly a very warm-hearted person with a very active sense of empathy. I just find it difficult to outwardly express myself at times.

Anyway, here's a quick version of my story.

I first realized I was asexual in 2nd grade (seriously!), when my classmates were fangirling over boy bands and actors. It may not seem like much, but not only did I have no interest in guys, I also found their behavior disgusting. I was meaner than I should have been at that age for that reason. 2nd grade was also the year I made a personal promise to 'never get married'-- as amusing as it is to look back on that, the promise has nevertheless stayed strong since then.

As time went on things didn't change much: I watched as my classmates forgot about cooties and started dating-- watched them stop teasing and start practicing pick-up lines. I listened to my sole friend constantly bemoan the fact that her major crush was dating the girl she couldn't stand-- and berating me for not seeing why it was such a big deal. (I apologize!)

High school wasn't that bad-- sure, you had kids constantly talking about sex in the halls, but I was the kid that no one even bothered to acknowledge, so I was pretty safe. Those 4 years went by quickly enough, and now I've hit college.

I am, unfortunately, an illustration major... which means that for this year's fall semester I have to deal with a figure drawing class. I won't bother you all with a rant, but let's just say that I am severely dreading this September. If any of you have tips on how to deal with that, throw them at me-- I'll need all the help I can get.

Lastly, there are a few quirks about my 'sexual identity' that I'd like to bring up, since I honestly don't know what to make of them.

First off, I have strong (albeit honestly platonic) feelings for two lovely girls that I know indirectly (not personally). I've known them both for about 7+ months now, but I'm a little confused because we're all of the same biological gender. I personally don't find anything wrong with it; I'm just wondering if anyone else has opinions or thoughts on that situation.

Secondly, um.. I have to admit, there's one person I've been deeply in love with since I was 13-- but he's just proof that I'm an absolute freak of nature. I'll simply say that he's the first boss of Sonic Adventure and leave it at that.

Regardless, I hope that's enough starting info to give you all a rough idea of who I am!

As always, if you have any questions or need anything clarified/explained further, just leave me a reply and I will get back to you.

Thank you all for being members of such a forum, and for just being the amazing people that you are.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Welcome J_L

Interesting picture your name makes Forgive me if I completely miss the mark here (I mean no harm!!), but it sounds like you are FTM, am I wromg??

In college, I took many art classes, illustration and drawing to name a few. Yes there were nude models to draw, but that is art and there is no sex in that context. What would be really adult of you to do is to look past the gender of the model you are drawing and express the sensuality of what you are drawing... now that is art

Please do not confuse your sexual identity with your gender identity. Your sexual identity is what gender you feel attracted to. You gender identity is all about who you are.

Welcome, Welcome, J_L welcome to Laura's

Please feel comfortable here and please continue to post my sweet.

HUGS

Brenda

[Guest Pól]

Hi J_L, welcome to the playground. Someone will be here soon to offer you cookies and/or pizza.

That's an incredibly detailed introduction. I have a question though, which I hope you won't mind answering. You're neutrois, but female-bodied, which I understand but don't identify with (so my understanding is necessarily limited). I don't understand "antisexual." Can you explain that more please? I've never seen that term before.

Brenda makes a good point about the difference between your sexual orientation (or lack thereof) and your gender identity. Who you're attracted to does not define your gender identity (if it did, a gay guy would identify as a woman). I know next to nothing about asexuality, but my understanding is that asexual people can have very intimate and emotionally close relationships with others without the sexual part of the relationship. If that understanding is correct and you're polyamorous, then there's nothing wrong with your described platonic (though perhaps strong) interest in others.

Please feel free to start joining in and posting -- it'd be great to have your viewpoint added to the discussions.

-Pól

[Guest Emily Violet]

hey welcome

[Guest Donna Jean]

Well, Good morning, Jewel!

So very nice to meet you!

Wow! That is a lot about you ...I see that it makes for a lot of soul searching ....

Well, however you feel, I'd like to welcome you to the Playground...there is a ton of information here and many people to talk with...

How about a cup of coco and a plate of cookies? That will make you all nice and comfy for now!

It's good to have you with us....

HUGG

Donna Jean

[Guest AshleeB]

Welcome to the safest place on earth

You have already been offered the coco and cookies but please make sure you take some. they are to DIE for. speaking of, i think i might have a couple

Lots of love!

Ash!

*runs away with stolen cookies and coco*

[Sally]

Hey Jewel,

Welcome to the forums and I see that Donna Jean has gotten you some refreshments so I would like to tell you that you have found a place that will accept you for you not for any preconcieved notion of who you should be.

We have a different understanding of gender here, it isn't one or the other but a sliding scale in a circle if you pick a starting point of no genderand start one direction you go through female all the way to 50/50, to male and back to neiyher - mos t people don't get that but we do and we have peopple on just about every imaginable position.

So feel free to be yourself.

Welcome to the family.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest J-L]

Thanks for the welcome; it really does mean a lot.

In response to the questions/comments--

Bernil= I'm FTN, actually (female-to-neuter/neutrois). Instead of getting my sexual organs switched, I'd like to have them removed if possible. I know it's risky, but the daily suffering I'm going through at the moment isn't lessening up, so I'll keep hoping.

As for the figure drawing classes, I actually had one last fall, and tried to do what you just suggested. Unfortunately, I couldn't. It may be hard to understand, but I had such a hard time dealing with the fact that there was an unclothed woman in the room, I nearly had an emotional breakdown by the end of the semester. I'm extremely sensitive in that respect.

The second problem is that I don't quite see myself as an artist... the illustration major is just means to an end for me. So using the 'see it as art' method doesn't work very well either. I apologize.

And thank you kindly for clearing up the gender/sexual identity differences for me; I've never really used either term before, so it's new to me.

Pól= Antisexuality basically means that I just don't like sex in any sense: the physical act, the concept as used in popular culture, physical characteristics, etc. I personally see it as nothing but a problem, and I apologize if that offends anyone.

Also, good to know that you think the polyamory thing works for me, haha! That's been bothering me for a long time.

Thanks for the virtual cookies and all, by the way!

[Guest jamielynn]

Hi Jewel,nice to meet you and welcome to Laura's.I have only recently started to explore all the differant forums and there is so much info I am sure you will find what you need here best wishes Jamie