Medical Laughs

[Guest]

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I realized that there were several cabs and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Submitted by Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocadial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Submitted by

4. During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by , Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion, she answered ... "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

Submitted by , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"

"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packed labeled "KY Jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Submitted by RN no name.

AND FINALLY! ! ! . . . . . . . . . . . .

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out in laughing, further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you

were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

Dr. wouldn't submit his name.

[Guest NatalieRene]

LMAO Thanks for sharing those.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

YUCK YUCK - REALLY cute!

Lizzy

[Sally]

My goodness people send you the most interesting things!

Very funny.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Echo]

XD they're all hilarious

[Guest Mr.Yoav]

Haha, those are great

[Guest skyy]

thats great, thanks for sharing

i got something funny too!!!

Things you don't want to hear during surgery

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

2. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.

3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!

4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

5. Hand me that. uh. that uh. that thingy there.

6. Oh no! Where's my Rolex?

7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?

8. There go the lights again!

9. Ya know, there's big money in kidneys and this guy's got two of 'em.

10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.

12. What's this doing here?

13. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

14. That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?

15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

16. Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?

17. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?! (except for some of us )

18. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

19. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

20. Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?

21. Don't worry. I think it's sharp enough.

22. What do you mean "You want a divorce?!"

23. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

24. Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing.

[Guest AshleeB]

I feel silly now. i laughed really loudly at the last one in that list and now my dogs wont stop barking at my bedroom door... where did you find these? would be cool to see more

Lots of love

Ash

[Sally]

thats great, thanks for sharing

i got something funny too!!!

Things you don't want to hear during surgery

24. Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing.

As so many surgeons are male do we really think that any of them have read the manuals?

25. I'm just all thumbs today.

26. I never saw anything like that before.

27. Catch!

28. How about one more Captain Jack before we start?

29. Liver, liver anybody here know which one is the liver?

30. On my visible man model all the organs were different colors.

31. Retract that bowel, I know I'm doing a tonseilectomy but I heard Hawkeye say that on M*A*S*H a lot.

32. OK, this is a three hour surgery but let's knock it out in one - I just got an earlier tee time.

33. Show of hands, how many of you skipped this chapter - everybody?

34. Just on question Doctor, should the patient still be awake?

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Jackson]

These are too good.

[Guest Naomi Stardust]

35. oops... why don't the rest of you finish up, i need to contact my lawyer

36. doctor? doctor wake up... don't worry, he always faints at the sight of blood

37. i'm sorry i'm Buddhist and i can't let you kill that mouse, i don't care what organ it's nibbling on

38. nurse: doctor, isn't this the same guy who's having an affair with your wife?

39. lord we thank you for this meal we are about to receive...

40. "Dibs!"

[Guest NatalieRene]

Ok I just ran into this classic Calvin & Hobbes comic strip which fits perfectly into this topic.

I hope this isn't too large.