New Here

[Guest Ragnar Danneskjold]

Uncertain,

A lot of this makes perfect sense, I think everyone here knows what you are going through. If it makes you feel any better I myself am just starting to deal with this issue as well, and it took me well in to my late 20's to start thinking about this! You have managed to get a head start on me, and a lot of others here!

I don't profess to be an expert about any of this, but there are definitely some things you talk about that I can give you some input on.

The first one is don't bottle anything up, ever! Bottling up emotions is only a short term solution, in the long term it will do a lot more damage than good. Trust me on this one, I know from first hand experience, let me tell you why. I developed a habit of burying my fears and problems and ignoring them for the better part of 10 years. Sure for a while it let me act like nothing was wrong, but things like that don't stay buried forever! Last year a lot of them finally burst out all at once, and now instead of dealing with my problems one at a time, I was dealing with 5 or 6 things all at once. It took an entire year of going to therapy, doing research on my own, and a lot of effort, to be able to work through it.

I am not telling you this to try and scare you, quite the opposite in fact. I am just trying to give you an example of how harmful bottling up your emotions can be. I am well aware of this fact, and I still have a tendency to do it myself. (In fact I have been contemplating doing the same thing myself with my situation, even though I know it is the last thing I should do!!)

I have to agree with Sally that your drug problem may be a result of this, we all have some interesting ways of dealing with our emotions.

As to how your mom would react, sadly that is something that doesn't have a set answer. Every parent is different, and will deal with things differently. I like to think that most parents turn out to be understanding. They may be shocked at first, but I think that most come around!

[Carolyn Marie]

Hello again, Uncertain. It's me again.

I've read all the posts back and forth and you've certainly gotten your share of advice.

I won't give you any more, other than to just suggest you take some time to absorb what you've learned so

far, explore the forums, and then post again when you have some more questions.

As others have said, there is no reason to rush into any decisions. Take your time, think about what

everyone has said, and then decide what is your best course.

The most important thing is to continue concentrating on staying clean. We all make the best decisions

when we have clear heads.

Be well.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Isobelle Fox]

Hi Uncertain

Your situation sounds really, really similar to mine when I was a teenager. I experimented a lot in the same ways with dressing and also felt very ashamed and confused because of it. Looking back, I wish I had had access to something like Laura's where I could come and ask questions, talk about my issues, and learn what was going on. It would have saved me more than 15 years of wasted time and emotion.

I commend you on looking for answers and trying to get your life in order. I think that if you will keep your heart and mind open and talk to some people, listen and learn and express yourself, here and wherever else its safe for you to do so, you will learn what it takes some of us years to learn: that you have nothing to be ashamed of. You are a normal person. What you are experiencing is something that many people experience. There is help, and there is hope, and when you get to the point where you understand everything and accept yourself for who you are, you will find that great happiness is waiting for you. : )

Hang around and share the journey with us. Laura's is a fantastic place with a lot of gentle, intelligent, and helpful people who are glad to meet you and help you in any way they can.

[Guest uncertain_cd]

I hate myself! What did I do so wrong that I deserved to wanna dress up like a girl when I was a boy?? Ive never done anything girlie in my life or been exposed to it, I listen to death metal for f sakes how could I POSSIBLY wanna dress!

I absolutely HATE that I feel this wya and their is no way to accept myself or to ever tell anyone. I'm a guy! If anyone ever found out that I like to dress like a girl my life would be over! How could I live my life this way, as a crossdresser or w.e? I can't!

I want these thought and feelings GONE for good regardless of how it has to be done.

What if I really wanna be a girl and transition? I could never do that but I'd be having to live horribly like a boy if I don't. Suicide would be my only answer

[Guest ~Brenda~]

OK, OK now dearest,

I too listen to death metal. That does not change my gender identity nor my sense of who I am!!! Dearest!! let's cut to the chase shall we!!

1. there is nothing to be ashamed of sweetie to feel the way you do about yourself!!! If you noticed, I identify myself as "rock chick".. why do you think that is so? Hon, I jam, I jam hard and fast. I can play Dime Bag Darrel's licks, Eddie Van Halen's licks, Jimmy Page, Jimmy Hendrix, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Eric Clapton, just to name a few.... Metal, Yeah, Got that down hard. I should audition for Metallica because they suck now and need someone to return them to metal glory!!

2. When you first experience crossdressing and expressing yourself, you feel ashamed because you are convinced by society that this is not normal behavior. Well, hon, believe it or not, it is perfectly normal behavior for those who are transgendered!!! Being transgendered is not a whim, a choice, or a hobbie. It is how you are born. No one can explain it. No one can diagnose it pre-nataly. In fact, many go mis-diagnosed for years (i.e. depression, social disorder, homosexuality, etc) None of these diagnosis apply to the transgendered.

3. Sweetie, if you are in extreme distress then I strongly recommend that you join the chat room and immediately go to the crisis room to get help about your suicidal thoughts!! Laura's has links to therapists and suicide prevention centers to help you. Laura's is not just a "feel good" site. Laura's is serious about helping those in distress. The cornestone of Laura's is suicide prevention. Take Laura's help. She and all of us are here to help you!!

Feel better and good about yourself sweetie!!

Love you

Brenda

[Guest Myldryd]

Hi. I'm new here but have been crossdressing (in the closet) for years. I am 62 years old and enjoy my feminie side immensily. I shave all of my body hair every day and take herbs according to Lucile Sorellas's "From Flat to Fem" prescription. Over the last year and a half I have enjoyed some measure of success in growing breasts, believing myself to now be a 38B.

I have grown my hair long and love working with it. I want to be as nautral as I can so I don't believe in wigs or forms. I am truly trying to evolve into a female. I know I can't be a woman but I can enjoy taking myself into the female world. It is a kinder gentler me when I am Myldryd.

I don't know where my crossdressing is going to take me but find myself thinking more about things that I never would have before. It seems progressive to the point now where I not only think about going out but also think about wanting to be seduced and doing males.

[Guest uncertain_cd]

I freaked out over a bunch of things for no reason. I don't wanna be a girl, never did, never will. I only date women and never dated a ts girl but I met this absolutely breath taking ts girl a couple months ago and my heart melted. This girl is....... beautiful and not just cause shes sexyy but her personalty is like no other. I just been freaking out about all this, Admittedly I been abusing a mix of 2 stimulants but not from the amphetamine (speed) class + sleep deprivation. I don't know why I thought all this and got this crazy about it. I apologize!!!!!!!!

I still see it not normal for me to dress up so I rarely do it anymore/ I guess once in a while won't hurt me.

This girl I been keeping to myself though really is a special girl though and I got the courage to call her before and well talk more later on. I never tshought I'd ever date a ts but jessica, shes a lady!

Depression is still here of course, I feel way better around her though and shes the most caring, accepting, friendly and feminine person Ive ever met.

I am gonna go see a psychologist but not a gender one, I need to work out my drug addicgtions and true reasons for depressions.

I feel beyond terrible for anything that was said during this time but I still really really appreciate ALL of your posts and care though I guess I messed up and don't deserve them all

OK, OK now dearest,

I too listen to death metal. That does not change my gender identity nor my sense of who I am!!! Dearest!! let's cut to the chase shall we!!

1. there is nothing to be ashamed of sweetie to feel the way you do about yourself!!! If you noticed, I identify myself as "rock chick".. why do you think that is so? Hon, I jam, I jam hard and fast. I can play Dime Bag Darrel's licks, Eddie Van Halen's licks, Jimmy Page, Jimmy Hendrix, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Eric Clapton, just to name a few.... Metal, Yeah, Got that down hard. I should audition for Metallica because they suck now and need someone to return them to metal glory!!

2. When you first experience crossdressing and expressing yourself, you feel ashamed because you are convinced by society that this is not normal behavior. Well, hon, believe it or not, it is perfectly normal behavior for those who are transgendered!!! Being transgendered is not a whim, a choice, or a hobbie. It is how you are born. No one can explain it. No one can diagnose it pre-nataly. In fact, many go mis-diagnosed for years (i.e. depression, social disorder, homosexuality, etc) None of these diagnosis apply to the transgendered.

3. Sweetie, if you are in extreme distress then I strongly recommend that you join the chat room and immediately go to the crisis room to get help about your suicidal thoughts!! Laura's has links to therapists and suicide prevention centers to help you. Laura's is not just a "feel good" site. Laura's is serious about helping those in distress. The cornestone of Laura's is suicide prevention. Take Laura's help. She and all of us are here to help you!!

Feel better and good about yourself sweetie!!

Love you

Brenda

[Guest uncertain_cd]

Am I still accepted and allowed to post here after figuring myself out? I'm just a bi male who enjoys the feeling of dressing once in a while

I was chatting with another member and she said that I should still post here and that I'll be welcome but I'm not sure, I don't wanna feel like I'm intruding on the forums?

[MaryEllen]

Am I still accepted and allowed to post here after figuring myself out? I'm just a bi male who enjoys the feeling of dressing once in a while

I was chatting with another member and she said that I should still post here and that I'll be welcome but I'm not sure, I don't wanna feel like I'm intruding on the forums?

Of course you're still accepted here and you are not intruding.

MaryEllen

[Guest NatalieRene]

Am I still accepted and allowed to post here after figuring myself out? I'm just a bi male who enjoys the feeling of dressing once in a while

I was chatting with another member and she said that I should still post here and that I'll be welcome but I'm not sure, I don't wanna feel like I'm intruding on the forums?

We're all just figuring ourselves out. There are lots of cross dressers here. Relax and make yourself at home, you're among friends.

[Sally]

You will always be accepted here, You have come looking for answers and support.

There is no reason to leave because you have found your answer, you still have our support and you can still support us.

We said when we greeted you that we are non-judgemental and that means iven if you decide that you aren't trans at all.

We still love you.

Stay with us, you can never have too many friends.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Sweetheart,

You are not intruding! Nowhere it is written that one must be on HRT and have a GRS scheduled at least to be a member here!! You have questions, everyone has questions. We are all here to help all who ask!! When we welcome someone and say "post your questions" we mean it!! There is no right or wrong way of being transgendered!! You can sense something about yourself and that is good. Stay here and let's help you figure out who you are. I am glad that you have made progress!! Remember, you are always welcome.

HUGS

Brenda

[Guest uncertain_cd]

Sweetheart,

You are not intruding! Nowhere it is written that one must be on HRT and have a GRS scheduled at least to be a member here!! You have questions, everyone has questions. We are all here to help all who ask!! When we welcome someone and say "post your questions" we mean it!! There is no right or wrong way of being transgendered!! You can sense something about yourself and that is good. Stay here and let's help you figure out who you are. I am glad that you have made progress!! Remember, you are always welcome.

HUGS

Brenda

What you mean by help me figure out who I am?? What's that implying? I'm not transgendered or anything

But thanks for still allowing me on here, It's all so different and new the people on here and all that now I'm starting to enjoy this place and learning a lot of new things about different people instead of just the regular boring people

Lots of awesome members on here and everyones been super nice to me, especially you! Ive never seen anyone who's as nice as you are

[Carolyn Marie]

Uncertain, me and Brenda and Sally have been around for a while. I've been CDing off and

on for 40 friggin years, so I know how it goes. I have a family and I don't want to lose them.

I'm really glad you've found someone that you can relate to. It really doesn't matter

if she is TS or not, as long as she's someone you feel comfortable with, are attracted to, and

there is some mutual feeling. Love is great, son. You sound like you deserve some.

Best of luck.

p.s. if you ever feel like you want to chat, drop me a PM. I'm pretty friendly, now that

I've gotten over my own initial shyness around here.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest ~Brenda~]

What you mean by help me figure out who I am?? What's that implying? I'm not transgendered or anything

Sweetheart,

I did not mean to get you defensive. Gosh no! I meant that this is all not just black and white, cut and dry. I wanted simply for you to continue to feel comfortable and welcome here and to let you know that I care about you and I am here to talk to.

It's all OK,

I am here for you, as we all are hon.

Relax sweetie

Love

Brenda

[Guest Ode']

I'm starting to think that maybe I should just never dress again and explore that side of and just keep everything to myself even if it does hurt to do so.

I just wish I could just at least tell my mom that I'm 'bisexual as in I like guys and girls.

For my dad well he doesn;t have to know anything

You don't have to tell anyone anything, you don't need "approval"

You are also in a position that EVERYONE is in, but most manage to deny....probably even your Dad.

Story:

My GF and I shared a boyfriend. He was Deep Black Special Ops in 'Nam..a "Mans man", super macho trained to kill [Lord knows how many]

A lot of that is compensation for a denial.

One day he wound up with a boy in Saigon and found that he actually liked it. He was such a "bad donkey" that no one could threaten him and that gave him leeway to feel real. He found a gentle side under all those death tats and from then on, it was [in his words] " all good "

But that doesn't mean there is any need to advertise or get in anybodies face and demand approval.

You'd just be bumping yourself up against THEIR problems, trying to change THEM.

But know this TRUTH.

You CANNOT change someone else any more than they can change you. They are just as powerful as you are, in the same way.

What you ARE..what we ALL are...is a creator of experience.

You just don't quite believe in boxes of artificial limitations..an explorer, a discoverer in a strange land of made up "norms".

** Smarter than the average bear**

It behooves one to consider survival of the adventure and blend into the harsh environment as needed..but realize that the chameleon has his very own power and does not feel guilty about it.

A "natural" shape shifter.

And a Chameleon can see though another Chameleons colors whether *they* know that they are that sort of lizard or not.

Your sex is but a suit you put on to see how it fit....not that well?

You are also a tailor.

Either/or is for idiots that can't conceive of the meaning of the inclusive word "and".

In the land of the blind, the person with one eye can stay the heck out of the way.

If you are harming none, then guilt is but programming trying to be seen.....look it square in the eye.

EVERYONE is programmed, very few know it.

You used Meth to feel a "power over".

Those that use Heroin etc use the power of escape.

Both of those powers require enormous effort to maintain and will wear you out.

But "Power of" needs nothing to be what it is...no validation, no approval...nothing.

Back in the day I did ALL that stuff, for no "reason"....just to find out what it was.

I could not find a place where I fit and became a hermit for decades..literally a Ridge Runner with Coyotes for friends hunting Psylicibin mushrooms.

What those Coyotes and 'Shrooms taught me was that I fit everywhere and anything I COULD say or be from that point of view, was of interest to someone.

Being a Chameleon is not a crime.

..and attraction is it's own effortless force to gather itself to a point of "power of".

After all, what made you wind up "here"? [with me..someone that KNOWS he doesn't know a damned thing]

Peeps actually appreciate "out of the box" so long as you don't hit them over the head with their own walls.

Well, don't whack yourself over the head with them either...just because you can't find your own.

All that means is that "you" are bigger than you think.

That you cannot think yourself smaller, but believe you should because everyone else could...by denying their true expansiveness.

"Really" ....bigger than you, in your present form as "now" character in a chapter in a story... CAN think.

You don't often read a mystery book twice, so *not knowing* is what makes everything worth it...READ ON.

If you knew the ending or what happens next, you'd not bother.

Denial is ignorance enforced and requires constant defense to prop it up.

To trigger those cannons on anothers fortress is pointless....don't be a target..."go around"...stay out of range.

THEY are walled up....not YOU.

You have **everywhere else** to go...it only "feels like" nowhere because it's so damned BIG.

If you EVER get the idea that you know who you are, you are now in your own prison, defending your position as a fortress of safety....perhaps with drugs or lashing out in anger when others are just like you.

Lookie.

Life is just an amazement park you forgot buying a ticket to.

Go right ahead and amaze yourself. That's what you came here for and you cannot fail.

If stuffing yourself into a little box of problems with all the solutions outside that box is what amazes you, so be it.

You cannot fail.

Above all. KNOW that YOUR feelings are YOURS and no one esles.

No one MAKES you feel anything without you accepting their ignorant opinion.

..and all they really are is a big ol "Lookie Here"....if you dare.

Well... DARE DAMMIT. [Wink and smile]

I mean, what the heck is wrong with YOUR ignorant opinion?

I mean, don't let certainty hold you back from discovery....there's no such a thang as certainty.

I mean, defining yourself can't be done with any sort of finality, so why let some ignorant immobile hack do that for you?

No rush, you are very young and things just "unfold".....just try to stay awake so you can move when the time is right.

The stop signs will show you the way as "turn here" signs, as they are encountered. ANY way but stop, works better to get somewhere.

And you don't know where you are going....ever.... unless you stop in a nowhere that's not even yours.

Things can be better that you CAN dream or plan...mostly its about just "letting" them be.

Meawhile, learn everything about anything you can...it will serve you in ways you cannot even imagine.

To the truly curious, "school" is a mind prison..be aware that you are being "programmed" and it won't stick.

... go beyond the books... to where the school "master" can't follow, and you'll never be societies slave in need of a revolution.

Believe this: There are many peeps out of the box, that those IN a box cannot locate or identify. [and they are FAR more interesting and fun to be around than a pack of slaves to the so called "norm"]

Approval seeking is a trap.

Like a game of Whack-a-Mole...sticking your head up where you know there's a hammer....and that HURTS.

But there's no end to the tunnels and OTHER holes to climb out of and be free.

...nothing is but what you make it... a description in a story. There are no nouns, only verbs and adjectives. Even the subject called "you" is implied. All life sentences are made up. Use your OWN imagination, but not as a limit and even that will be exceeded. There is no wrong way unless you use anothers by force.

BTW Depression is just you needing reasons to move and not finding any worth considering...stuck in a worth opinion circle...a "box"

Since you don't know where you are going, you don't need a reason.

Get unreasonable and you'll never be depressed again...or "controlled" by some opinion...not even your own.

..literally crawing to the mailbox on a Sunday 6 times made me realise that I don't need a reason to do something that stupid.

[ After sitting in a trance on the couch for 3 days, nothing to eat or drink...no sleep, I didn't have the energy to walk..but by then I KNEW that nothing else could suck this bad, reasons or no...get moving!]

Nope, no mail AGAIN!..and it's a LONG driveway full of stones and a very slow hard crawl on the knees.

Doing ANYTHING is better than doing nothing, no matter how dumb.

....and that was one of the smartest things I ever did. [boy oh boy was that FUNNY....I'm the best joke I'll ever tell myself....I'll never stop laughing now. ]

When you feel depressed, just do something pointlees, the more pointless the better...over and over...till even YOU can't believe you could be that dumb.

Then...you AREN'T that dumb and it all has a point you didn't know existed. [Just like everything else.]

Be

Re-Minded:

Don't be afraid to lose your mind.. it isn't always your friend.

Lose it, and you get a brand new one...every time.

Eventually you find one that doesn't work the way you thought it should....and that's WAY COOL.

Every day, a shurprize.

Whelp, that sure was a mouthful spit out...gotta go do sumptin useless.

See ya.

Ode' [ Psychedelic shaman of the subatomic physicists]