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Is This A Common Problem?


Guest Jeannine Bean

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Guest Jeannine Bean

So I'm transsexual. Okay.

So far it seems that means it can be very difficult to feel a genuine connection with my lovers. I sense I am never known.

And it seems I don't connect with the rest of the world. I either seem androgynous or just like a femme gay dude (probably dependent on how I dress).

My family left me a blow the other day when I called. Mom brought up the idea of "cognitive dissonance" -- upon actually seeing me on skype and "not feeling right" calling me Jeannine. So now I want to stick to internet to communicate to my family. Sucks.

How to get around this? I use makeup well, and i can dress nicer and nicer the more I can afford nice stuff. . . but outside of all the things that cost a lot of money, FFS and expensive hair systems, lots of hair removal and stuff...

Am I just doomed to never be seen or known?

It's freaking me out lately. I don't feel like I am part of the world. I hardly feel invested in my own life, or my connections to the people around me. After that talk with my mom, I asked my girlfriend. She said sometimes she really perceives me as a woman, but most of the time, and outside of that. . . I just seem like a really femme dude. Regardless of my attitude, apparently. She said honestly and frankly that there aren't exceptions to this. And people treating me differently are really just treating me as they'd treat a femme gay man.

Two strikes.

I feel like I'm almost out.

Oh yea, and I'm losing my job right now and I believe all evidence points to it being because I live in small town Asia and some parents think I'm gay. I thought I'd be okay. I was wrong.

Anyway, I know everyone has it hard. Please. If I want to hear more of that I'll go down to the street corner. One person getting flayed alive doesn't make the person getting burned to death feel any better.

If anyone knows of any tangible ways to ease that cognitive dissonance without having thousands of extra dollars laying around to spend. . . just to find myself more connected to the people around me and not locked out of my own life, then please let me know.

--Jeannine

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Jannine hon you can try to stuff that cognitive dissonance away but i fear it will come back at a later date like mine did and i had to transition at 56.

People that know us usually only see him, but your girlfriend does sometimes see Jannine and that's good, I'm not sure how far along you are on hormones but it takes quite awhile for changes to occur.

As far as your job i saw your other post , if you are loosing your job because they think you are gay why not come right out and tell them the truth, i don't know how trans are accepted there so it's up to you.

Paula

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Guest Elizabeth K

One person getting flayed alive doesn't make the person getting burned to death feel any better.

Hummm. kinda shows me you are a bit down!

Hey - we are transgender. We have all that stuff going on all the time.

That doesn't help I know, but it does tell you we feel your pain! That's worth a little bit I think.

Everyone now thinks I am a married gay man at work. Funny. That's easier being percieved as gay than transseual. Go figure!

As to being connected - just give it time - you will find others who either support you or like you well enough to not care if you are transgender. It's really an adventure to do that - and it never ends up like you think.

I don't know if this helps - but the best thing is to just realize that in your heart you will probably give up a whole lot just to be happy. It comes in small bites. We are not a patient people, we transgender and the paths are filled with gaps without apparent bridges, ogres with a bad attitude, and Friar Tucks who won't let us pass without a fight.

So there you are - an opinion or two - and I hope SOMETHING helps!

Lizzy

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Guest julia_d

It was Little John who was the problem on the bridge ;)

Detachment.. I guess we spend a lifetime avoiding attachments. I have because they can be sorrow. It's hard to connect. I just have casual encounters I only have one serious relationship in my life and I love him so very much.. but 10,000 miles is a long way and we all need to hold somebody at times just so we don't end up dead inside.

I gave up everything else to be me. A career a family and a future.. but futures change and lives take different paths.

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Guest Elizabeth K

All those guys in green - ooops - Friar Tuck was in brown!

Well the bridge and the ogre worked?

I was going to use a speed bump analogy but it was too lame - Its more like brick walls!

Lizzy

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Guest AllisonD
So I'm transsexual. Okay.

So far it seems that means it can be very difficult to feel a genuine connection with my lovers. I sense I am never known.

And it seems I don't connect with the rest of the world. I either seem androgynous or just like a femme gay dude (probably dependent on how I dress).

My family left me a blow the other day when I called. Mom brought up the idea of "cognitive dissonance" -- upon actually seeing me on skype and "not feeling right" calling me Jeannine. So now I want to stick to internet to communicate to my family. Sucks.

...

--Jeannine

Jeannine

OK, so you are trans and are aware of the difficulties, and you know it's not a contest to see who can be the most miserable. I get that. It's the "I sense I am never known." that I do not get.

Your family has known you as you were. Likely your community has too. Sounds like your GF also. Could that be part of it? Could it be that you are presenting just as you feel, just as you think you are, as the female you know yourself to be but the people that you are getting feedback from know you as you were presenting before?

It can be difficult to shift an established perception of you to something else, something you want to present yourself as now. That old saw about first impressions has some value, it can be difficult to change a person's mind once they have formed an opinion.

But you mention you are NEVER known. Have you attempted an intimate (not necessarily sexual, I mean soul-exposing) relationship as you are NOW? Have you received any feedback from someone that only knows Jeannine? If not, try it. Try it again. And again. How did it go? Are you being percieved as you want to be percieved by those without preconceptions? There will be huge clues in the reactions of people that only know Jeannine. If they are not reacting to you the way you want, then alter your presentation as may be required to get what you need. It likely won't be much of a change, and if you do start getting what you need by changing slightly, then it was the right thing to do anyway.

If you continue to fail to get satisfaction from your current relationships do not despair. Create new relationships. This is wisdom that we all have learned from transition. Every one of us.

You are not "just doomed to never be seen or known". You may be doomed to having to create a new environment for yourself, but that is no reason to "freak"; none at all. You are a master of change, else you wouldn't have survived this far. So apply your mastery and change what needs to be changed to get what you need. No need to freak, just listen to your heart tell you what it desires and change what needs to be changed to get it. New friends? So be it. Face it, you may eventually have to even consider a new SO. Painful, but it might be part of the price to happiness.

You can do this, you know you can. You have already found your path and are travelling in the right direction for you. Don't let small things like family, friends, lovers, career, money, and home get in your way.

We all know it is not easy, but the man being flayed and the man being burned both look at you and want to trade places with you. No need to freak. None at all.

Allison

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We all know it is not easy, but the man being flayed and the man being burned both look at you and want to trade places with you. No need to freak. None at all.

Allison

This is what you have to focus on.

You are still alive and you can progress, it may not be with the people that you have known before, but if they are unable to find a way to 'see' you as you are do you think that they are interested in what is best for you or just what is comfortable for them.

You have spent a lifetime pleasing them and yet they want more, they want the rest of your life.

That is not fair to you, if they can't 'see' you then move on and find people who can 'see' you, who want to 'see' you and want to be with you.

Why spend your life in misery when you can move on and have a chance for happiness.

Think about this quote, "You cannot change the people around you, so change the people around you."

It is necessary to chage yourself to express your true self so it may also be necessary to change your environment - people places and all.

I was once fired from a job and it was the best thing that ever happened to me - I had spent 11 years working for next to nothing at record stores even as a manager I wasn't making very much and then the Branch Manager fired some managers to cover his horrible track record from the new owners (it didn't work - he got fired in less than two weeks) and I went from basically a prison of a job to playing on cruise ships in the Carribbean, Mediterranean and Agean Seas - only a couple of weeks at a time but oh what a difference.

When one door closes another one opens, you might just have to turn around and go a direction unplanned but you can and must keep going, life is a journey there is no place in it for standing and wishing.

Dreams don't just come true without work and they cannot be crushed if you don't allow it, I have allowed all of my dreams to be crushed until now, this one is far too important and I will not allow anyone to crush it - I have already lost a wife and if I lose my family that will be just too bad but I will know that I was right and the image was more important to them than the person and I don't need that many superfisical people in my life.

We are walking on our journeys through the Garden of Eden but we can't see it anymore for it is strewn with the decaying bits of so many broken and discarded dreams.

Never give up you are the only one who can kill your dream.

Love ya,

Slightly Harsh Sally

But I never said I had it worse, did I?

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Guest Donna Jean
"You cannot change the people around you, so change the people around you."

It is necessary to change yourself to express your true self so it may also be necessary to change your environment - people places and all.

Never give up you are the only one who can kill your dream.

Love ya,

Slightly Harsh Sally

But I never said I had it worse, did I?

Jeannine

this will speak for me....ok?

Love...

Donna Jean

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