How Do You Know?

[Guest Konnor]

I'm going to preface this topic by saying that I know no one can tell me for sure if this is right for me. I'm just looking for advice, insight, helpful stories, etc.

I have thought that I was FTM for about a year and a half now. I've even gone as far as come out to my parents/siblings and talk with them about how my future will play out if I choose to transition. Although they are not very accepting of it, that fact never shook my confidence that I was making the right choice. The thing that did is my ex boyfriend. While we were dating, I was able to just be me. Wherever we went, even around our families, I dressed/acted/talked how I wanted and how I was comfortable, and he was completely ok with it. He loved me and accepted me the same amount whether I was in a dress or a suit. Having someone else be comfortable with who I am made me soooo much more comfortable with myself. I was even ok with staying female, I wanted to have kids and marry him, as long as I didn't have to change how I dressed/acted/etc. And he never asked me to change anything.

So everything was great, we were incredibly happy. Until we broke up. To make a long story short, the strain of a long distance military relationship was too much for him to handle at the time. We've stayed in contact online since then (which was about 4 months ago). In the past week or two though, we have been talking a lot more than normal and broaching the topic of "us" again. Nothing is concrete, but I really get the feeling we're going to get back together. And now that he might be mine again, I feel like maybe I might not need to transition anymore. Because with him, I'm just me and we're us and everything is wonderful.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to feel. I feel like a fake for feeling this way, like if I was really FTM, nothing could change my feelings and my need to transition. Am I crazy? How are you supposed to know if this is right for you? And if it isn't, how are you supposed to know which degree of femininity/masculinity in between is right for you? This is just really confusing and I would like to hear other's opinions on it. Thanks for reading all of my ramblings, I really appreciate it.

--Konnor

[Sally]

Konner,

All of the feelings are internal and should not be influenced by others.

Search your feelings, not how you think someone else will react - leaving your ex out of the picture where do you see yourself in ten years and if that is male, then that is your direction - if it changes when you think about him then you are letting someone else decide your direction and down the road it can not work out.

Trust your own feelings.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Evan_J]

Hmmm.

When I used to live some place that afforded me more acceptance as male without physical amendments and more recognition I had less need to transition physically. When I moved, the more that was required to have that same sense of peace the more I was willing (and emotionally found I needed) to alter the body. For me, at a certain point I concluded that the surroundings were always subject to change and that I needed for it to be that I would have my recognition no matter where I was. Is that helpful?

[Guest CharlieRose]

Hmm, well, Konnor, I think of myself and my gender as made up of many parts... some of those parts are masculine, and some are feminine. That's how I make sense to myself. My body is female, the part of me that decides which gender roles I prefer is generally male. The part that decides whether or not I like sports might be thought of as female, and science and math as math. The part of me that appreciates art, and other people, is a mix of both.

It is confusing sometimes. I always try and see what measures I would really be happy with. I have a sort of mental checklist. I want T, at least for a little while. I want to be referred to as male. I want to have a masectomy. I don't want any bottom surgeries. I don't want to throw away this one beautiful dress I own... maybe I'll take it to a costume party. I'm pretty sure I want kids, whether adopted or born by me. (hence the T for a little while) Some of those things are traditionally "FTM," many aren't.

I think that having someone who understands you is the most important thing after understanding yourself. Someone who won't force you into a role, someone who will listen when you say you're not comfortable. It doesn't really matter WHAT you are as long as you love yourself and someone loves you. But, that may or may not be this guy. Search him and yourself when you're around him carefully.

So what do you want to BE? Sometimes it's unhealthy to fantasize, but it can be important for transpeople. Sally gave the best exercise. What do you want to be in 10 years, independently of any one else? Well, it wouldn't be bad if you want to be married in 10 years or something, as long as that's what *you* want, that's who the perfect you would be, married.

Does that help, like, at all? Or make any sense?

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Konnor

My advice is to be yourself. Your theapist would say 'find your comfort level.'

Personally, I am MTF and in transition, but married with a supportive wife. That fits my comfort level. And although I have female traits and identitiy, I still earn a living and support us. We work arond it.

There are no rules in transsexuality except those dumb ones the doctor's make us follow so we don't come back and sue them if we transition.

So I hope it works out for you. And remember what fits today may or may not fit tomorrow. So just live as you feel right and never feel like you have painted yourself into a corner.

Just som ideas.

Lizzy

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hi Konnor,

Beleive it or not, most of us have to deal with the same balancing act of expressing both genders due to different circumstances. While one is at various stages of transitioning one finds themselves able to express who they really are at times and express how others expect you to be at other times.

You are not crazy. You are experiencing one of the more complex realities of being trans.

All I can say is this... How ever you feel each day, go with it. There is no right way/wrong way of how you feel about yourself. That will change each day and evolve over time.

Trust yourself. Be comfortable with yourself.

You are OK!!!!

Brenda

[Carolyn Marie]

Konner, you didn't say if you are or ever have seen a gender therapist. It sounds like you could benefit

from such assistance to sort out your feelings. They won't tell you which way is best, but they

can help you find your own path and be comfortable with it.

If you rely on how others make you feel in order to make your decisions, or you adjust your

needs to make others happy with you, then you will likely regret it in the long run.

You have to be true to yourself in order to be happy. Only you will know what that truth is.

I hope you find it.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest B.heard]

I know the right right answer to this is that no one else should alter your choice if this is right for you but no man is an island right? people to factor into our choices that is natural and as other have said most of us will find our self in situations where we are made to feel a degree more comfortable in our own skin and we are happy to stay there but you should understand it doesnt always last that feeling of comfortable... if might last years might not and you might look back like I did once and resent those 'wasted' years I could have been here but I stayed there, and then the people that made you feel comfortable are confused that your restless again and need to change.

If this guy is a real long term commitment in your life and of great value you do owe it to him and you to maybe talk through some therapy and the future the last thing you want is to resent him later on or have him confused and hurt that in the end he wasnt 'enough' and you still need to transition after all and will he still stay with you if that happens?

Your not a fake FTM though if there was something any of us could have that made is feel natural and normal inside and out that wasnt years of injections and chopping lumps off Im pretty sure any one of us would grab that too.

Good luck buddy

[Guest Evan_J]

.....although I have female traits and identitiy, I still earn a living and support us. We work arond it.

Although? Angel, that doesn't have to be a 'work around" (though I understand its "something different " maybe in the perspective of you and your wife ) but 9 million other lesbians and their wives world wide do it too lol . Feel normal

[Guest AllisonD]

While we were dating, I was able to just be me. Wherever we went, even around our families, I dressed/acted/talked how I wanted and how I was comfortable,

...

Having someone else be comfortable with who I am made me soooo much more comfortable with myself. I was even ok with staying female, I wanted to have kids and marry him, as long as I didn't have to change how I dressed/acted/etc.

...

I feel like maybe I might not need to transition anymore. Because with him, I'm just me and we're us and everything is wonderful.

...

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to feel.

--Konnor

Konnor

Your confusion is clear. Your heart and your brain are giving you mixed signals. There are times when you are perfectly comfortable as you are, when your presentation is naturally reflecting your true self. Pay attention to the times in your life when you felt the most comfortable with yourself. Your heart is telling you who you really are during those times.

You make the point that the people in your environment can impact your comfort level. When people accept you as you choose to behave, as you choose to present, you mention that you are even more comfortable with yourself. When you aren't getting that positive feedback that how you want to present is perfectly fine with those you love, you try to figure out what to do about it. That is your brain trying to tell you what you should do to make you happy. Your brain doesn't know what to do to make you happy, it knows what to do to help you survive, and/or get along, and/or succeed at something. Only your heart can tell you what you need to do to be happy.

"I was able to just be me. ... I dressed/acted/talked how I wanted and how I was comfortable." "I'm just me ... and everything is wonderful" are huge clues that say that, at this point in your life, you can find inner peace and happiness without changing yourself at all. I would suggest that you dress/act/talk just the way that you already know that you feel comfortable, and accept love into your life from those that accept you just the way you are.

That doesn't mean that as you grow you won't change, that your heart won't adjust your desires, but it certainly tells me that right at this moment, your happiness does not require T or transition or surgery. Your heart is speaking clearly to you and you have already found your current spot on the spectrum. I would urge you not to let your brain overthink it and try to push you one way or another.

You say you don't know what to do, and you don't know how to feel. Well, your heart is telling you loud and clear that you will feel happiest, at least at this point in your life, by just being you as you already are. There is nothing for you to do but continue to be yourself, and if you do, you will feel happy.

Allison

[Guest Pól]

Konnor

Your confusion is clear. Your heart and your brain are giving you mixed signals. There are times when you are perfectly comfortable as you are, when your presentation is naturally reflecting your true self. Pay attention to the times in your life when you felt the most comfortable with yourself. Your heart is telling you who you really are during those times.

You make the point that the people in your environment can impact your comfort level. When people accept you as you choose to behave, as you choose to present, you mention that you are even more comfortable with yourself. When you aren't getting that positive feedback that how you want to present is perfectly fine with those you love, you try to figure out what to do about it. That is your brain trying to tell you what you should do to make you happy. Your brain doesn't know what to do to make you happy, it knows what to do to help you survive, and/or get along, and/or succeed at something. Only your heart can tell you what you need to do to be happy.

"I was able to just be me. ... I dressed/acted/talked how I wanted and how I was comfortable." "I'm just me ... and everything is wonderful" are huge clues that say that, at this point in your life, you can find inner peace and happiness without changing yourself at all. I would suggest that you dress/act/talk just the way that you already know that you feel comfortable, and accept love into your life from those that accept you just the way you are.

That doesn't mean that as you grow you won't change, that your heart won't adjust your desires, but it certainly tells me that right at this moment, your happiness does not require T or transition or surgery. Your heart is speaking clearly to you and you have already found your current spot on the spectrum. I would urge you not to let your brain overthink it and try to push you one way or another.

You say you don't know what to do, and you don't know how to feel. Well, your heart is telling you loud and clear that you will feel happiest, at least at this point in your life, by just being you as you already are. There is nothing for you to do but continue to be yourself, and if you do, you will feel happy.

Allison

Listen to the smart lady ^, buddy. She's making lots of sense.

(I agree with Allison completely.)

[Sally]

You have gotten a lot of good advice about how to find out if this is right for you.

So I am going to offer you a slightly different approach that you might find easier.

Try to find out what is wrong for you and cross those options off of your list of possibilities and then as Sherlock Holmes would say, "Whatever is left no matter how improbable is the answer."

It is a different direction which should inevitably take you to the same answer.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest AllisonD]

You have gotten a lot of good advice about how to find out if this is right for you.

So I am going to offer you a slightly different approach that you might find easier.

Try to find out what is wrong for you and cross those options off of your list of possibilities and then as Sherlock Holmes would say, "Whatever is left no matter how improbable is the answer."

It is a different direction which should inevitably take you to the same answer.

Love ya,

Sally

Konnor

This is fabulous advice and can really be a help, but let your heart decide - don't just think about what doesn't work for you and eliminate it, instead FEEL what doesn't work for you and eliminate it.

Allison

[Guest gentleman1]

I cannot top any of the advice give here, Konner, but I can share part of my transition story with you. When I came out to myself, I did so twice. First I admitted to myself (braving God's judgement at the time, this was my mindset), that I was sexually attracted to women. Up until this time (I was 37 years old), I had only lived as a "heterosexual" female. Second, I realized I was "trans". It never occured to me to live life as a lesbian first. I began transitioning without a partner. A year into that transition and because it was going so dang slooooowwwww.......I started to question whether I was doing the right thing because I couldn't find any women who would be interested in dating me. I started to wish I had at least started out in the lesbian lifestyle so I could at last know the love of a woman. This went on for another six months. Here I was, 1 1/2 years on T and finding I could still easily transition back if I wanted, my voice hadn't dropped much and I still to this day have little facial hair, I gave very serious thought to stopping my hormone regimen. The thing that convinced me I was on the right path was everything else BUT the woman. I felt so much more comfortable in my body, I loved the changes that DID take place from the T. I felt more authentically "me". This is what has kept me on my path to transition. I still have not found a woman yet, I find it is very difficult for FTMS especially when they are shy, but I do feel my transition is worth the complication to my love life. I hope this story helps, but you definately got some very solid advice from others on this forum. You seem young from your picture, at least know one thing.......YOU HAVE TIME!!! You don't have to hurry, and only you really know if you are FTM or not. You don't have to ever transition in order to "become" transexual. I believe there are many transexed people who never transition for whatever their reasons may be. YOU ARE NORMAL, you have to know that, ok? God bless and take your time. It also might be a good idea to share your concerns with your boyfriend if he is to fully know you. But that is another decision and one that should not be taken lightly and perhaps after some professional counseling first to determine whether that is wise or not. Good luck. You'll always be a brother here! - Shawn

[Guest Martin]

You said you were "even ok with staying female" while you with him. If I would have said that, I would have meant that I still didn't want to be female, but that it was a sacrifice I would be willing to make in order to be with someone. Are you just ok with staying female if you can have him, or are you truly content with staying female as long as you find people who accept you? Also, if marrying him was a given and he would accept whatever choice you make, would you rather be male or female? If this relationship doesn't work out for whatever reason and you'd be back to trying to find friends and a partner who saw you for you were and accepted/loved you for that, would you rather them see you as a man or a woman? If you're naked and alone, what body would feel the most right?

The answers to these questions should help guide you. Keep in mind that although I said male or female and man or woman, there are a lot more choices than that. Maybe you want T, but no surgeries. Or top surgery and no T. Maybe you want the freedom to bee seen as a guy some times and as a girl at other times. And so on.

[Guest Konnor]

Wow, I really want to thank everyone for their responses! I got a lot out of each person's opinion and point of view, and I wanted to respond to a few in particular.

Sally-- The confusing part is that when I think about myself in 10 years, there's two options. There's the "married, kids, conventional" option where I'm still female but dressing/acting/etc as male as I do now, and there's the "fully transitioned" option where I'm very happy with my body on T and with surgery, but I'm all alone. I guess I'm really afraid that no one is going to love me if I transition, because it's hard enough to find people to date as someone who jumps between male and female, I feel like it would be even harder to find someone to date as a male with a partly female body. And I honestly don't know which option would make me happier.

Evan-- Your post makes a lot of sense. I just don't know if I would react the same way you do. I feel like I would just keep playing the chameleon and changing as required to fit the situation. I have this bad habit of always wanting to please everyone else.

Charlie and Lizzy-- I like the description Charlie gave about everyone being made of different parts. The problem is, I can't make my own checklist or find my own comfort level because I don't know what I want...it always seems to change.

Carolyn Marie-- I have been seeing a therapist but I'm the first person with gender problems that she's worked with. She's actually let me progress on my own and not tried to steer me away from transition, as I thought she would. She's been my therapist since I was 12, and I'm 19 now, so she knows me very well. I'm not sure if I would benefit more from a gender therapist, but I could look into it.

Allison-- Your post really stood out to me because it highlights my main confusion. I can find happiness and not want to change anything, but ONLY when I'm with him. Like I need that reassurance, that acceptance from someone who is very important to me. Now that we're not together...I want to change. Unless he comes back, then I'll be like before. I don't understand this feeling! Haha, you definitely hit the nail on the head though. My brain overthinks everything!!

Sally-- Thank you for thinking of something completely different that I never would have thought of. I can't really think of how to do that though...besides being ultra-feminine, I kind of vary on the masculinity scale depending on the situation or my mood.

Martin-- I think I am ok with staying as I am...a very, very masculine female...as long as I find someone to love me. My biggest fear is being alone forever. I know I should have a lot bigger problems than that, but I just value love so much and I need to be loved by someone or I feel so empty. If marrying him was a given, I would probably stay female but live how I do now, choosing whether to be male or female depending on the situation. I would choose that because I would have my life partner and I could still keep my family and have kids and be conventional. If he and I don't end up getting back together, and I was looking for a new partner, I would probably do it the same way I do now. Dress/act/etc male but use my female name, because that works for right now...it lets me be masculine, but it keeps my relationship with my family ok because they are very against me transitioning. I'm just really scared that if that happens and this doesn't work with Andrew, I'm never going to find someone else that loves and accepts me as much as he did. Honestly, naked and alone, I would prefer neither body. I have really crappy self esteem and I know I would find fault with either body, so it doesn't really make a difference to me. Another confusing aspect is sex. While I am comfortable with and enjoy straight sex, I want to explore anal sex and "bottoming" for a man. But not as a woman recieving it from a man. As one man recieving it from another man. I hope that made sense. It only adds to my confusion!

I'm really sorry for the length of this post. I'm sure it doesn't make very much sense, and I hope you can get something out of it. Needless to say, I'm probably even more confused now. But thank you all again for the great replies, they helped a lot!

--Konnor

[Guest CharliTo]

*pops head out cuz I saw my name* :3

To be honest, I'm not entirely sure what I want either. All I know is the direction to be honest...

My hon is a very boyish female... and you know what, there's nothing wrong with that either. If you are very concerned about reproductivity... I can't blame you... I just had my work cut out for me when I learned I can't anyways. Have I had the ability to reproduce, I dunno... I actually might still be debating. One of my biggest fear is also being alone later in life too.

I don't have a checklist, but I think I feel like I made a huge leap into a cold lake at times...

[Guest Zabrak]

Just wanted to say...theres lots of dating transmen, what makes you think YOU'LL be alone if YOU transition? Are you putting all your money on that outcome because this guy you like wont date you if you transition?

There are lots of open people out there who are great and will love you no matter what.

[Guest CharliTo]

Just wanted to say...theres lots of dating transmen, what makes you think YOU'LL be alone if YOU transition? Are you putting all your money on that outcome because this guy you like wont date you if you transition?

There are lots of open people out there who are great and will love you no matter what.

I have to agree there

[Guest Evan_J]

Evan-- Your post makes a lot of sense. I just don't know if I would react the same way you do. I feel like I would just keep playing the chameleon and changing as required to fit the situation. I have this bad habit of always wanting to please everyone else.

Biiig hug to you cuz I remember that age. Just be careful. It will get old and at a certain point -no matter who you "stay with" in a relationship, or the status between you and your parents, or anybody else- you will have to deal with yourself. You are the one person you always have to deal with. I believe you'll get there. So do you, in truth (sigh) Why are you making me feel all "big brotherly" all of a sudden lol.

You're just scared. You're worthy Konnor. You will be loved.

[Sally]

Konner,

I'm going to tell you the most important thing that you will ever learn in life - there are no guarantees.

You want to know that you will have a happy life and love and a family - there is no way of knowing if that will happen for you or not and certainly no way of knowing if it will if you stay as you or or if only if you transition.

Look to what makes you feel good about yourself and then your chances get better but there is no guarantee.

Life is making choices and living with the ones you have made.

I didn't choose to come out and be myself for such a long time but I don't consider my former life a waste of time but I know that I could have transitioned earlier and not had so many of the inner conflicts that sabotaged all of my attempts at relationships.

The choice is yours and no one else's but either way the future is not ours to see, it has not been written for any of us and we do have choices so choose wisely and with your heart.

Don't let love or lust sway you, moderate with your head but in the end your heart will tell you what you need to know - about you nit anyone else - this is an internal struggle so don't let thoughts of someone that you like now effect the rest of your life - he went away once - remember, no guarantees that he won't again.

This is your life and no one else has to live it or deal with the consequences of each choice you make.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Konnor]

Charli- It's not that reproducing is a big deal to me. It's just a big deal to my family...they REALLY want me to find a way to stay female but be masculine, marry a man, and have a family of my own. I would be perfectly fine with adopting, but I know how hard that would be as a gay couple if I transition.

Zabrak- It's not really the fact that I think I'll be alone, I'm just more worried about never finding someone who accepted me and loved me the way he did. I mean, I'm sure I'll always be able to find someone who I get along with, I'm just afraid to "settle". No, Andrew is actually completely ok with my transitioning, he's been my biggest support. I just don't know if we're going to get back together or not, and if we don't, I really worry about finding another "him".

Evan- I know...I know I need to start looking out for myself instead of trying to make everyone else happy. My family is just very important to me and if there's any way I can be myself and not lose them, I want to find it. You're very right, I'm terrified. I'm scared to lose my family and friends, I'm scared I'm never going to find someone who loves and accepts me as me. But I guess everyone feels that way and I need to get over it. Thanks for the reassurance, big bro.

Sally- You're right. I'm just really scared to make this decision because of the many factors involved. It's really complicated and I'm afraid I'm going to make the wrong choice...And I'm not ready to face the reality that he might leave again if he even comes back in the first place. My hopes are already up way higher than they should be where he is concerned, and until it happens, I'm just going to ignore the fact that things could end horribly again. It's what I have to do to live a happy day to day life at the moment.

Thanks everyone for all the support and advice. I really appreciate all the love and help I get from this site!

--Konnor

[Guest CharliTo]

Ah. darn Yeahh..... I would give advice to youu....but to be honest, I don't have long term experience of that there. What little time I had with my mother after coming out to her, she did express she didn't want me to do it for a while too. Then eventually, later on......she said to me that what she really wants is me to be happy... and she was just extremely concerned because I never really showed "signs" of my problems in front of her. I reassured her and even pointed out some early signs that she didn't catch...and she felt a whole lot more at ease.

Is your family have the same concern? In that case, if you and your family can't agree with your transition, you should talk to them exactly what they don't like... I dunno, that's what I started doing...when the situations became "get it sorted out now or never"....

But as far as the relationship thing goes. I actually started realizing it got better. Pre-Transition, I was single for 6 years. Year and a half of transition, and I have a SO right now . You won't find someone that's the exact duplicate, but I'm sure you can find someone similar... remember, there's a lot of people in this world

[Guest leo]

id have to say i know where your coming from

since i meet my girl, i do feel a little bit comftable in my current state

but on the other hand, she treats me 100% male and not female, even when im presenting as female

i still want to transition, in fact i need to

my girl makes me feel secure, but she sees me as only male, and i guess that can be confussed with being comftable in your biolocial state

[Guest leo]

also i have to agree with charliTo

i found a gil that loves me for who i am, since i started being myself

shes a str8 female but since i was being myself which is male, she was attracted to that and accepted me as im confident in who i am