Advice To Parent?

[Guest Goldair]

Hi Everyone!

I am new here. Joined because I think my son who is three years old may be transgendered. Not sure, but the other day, he said."I am really a girl pretending to be a boy." He is very articulate for his age, and this is not the first time he has made statements like this. He has also occasionally talked of cutting off his penis so he could be a girl, when I tell him girls don't have penises. He likes a lot of 'boy' things. He likes a lot of 'girl' things.

I feel a great joy at being his Mom, and a huge responsibility to try to support him to realize his potential whatever that may be. I am way more open minded than many people I know. Perhaps that is why he choose me as his Mom. Although, he rarely sees his Dad right now, his Dad is also very openminded, so he will have our support and unconditional love. The question for me: what advice can you give me to help him? Also, what sort of response and support would be best in response to people who laugh, make comments, or otherwise discourage my son from being himself?

This happened today at a birthday party where an adult laughed at him when he said, for the third time in a few days, "I am a girl for real, pretending to be a boy."

I sincerely appreciate any thoughts you might have regarding the best way to parent/love a transgengered child, things a parent should be concerned about, issues transgendered kids face, books or resources, etc.

Thank you.

[MaryEllen]

Hi Goldair,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing your concerns about your child with us. I would suggest that you talk to your doctor about a referal to a gender therapist. Children of this age very often know that they are not the gender of what their physical sex is. I know that I did. Because your child is adament that she is really a girl in a boy's body,it's an almost certainty that that is exactly what she is. I would allow your child to express herself fully. (Notice that I am using feminine pronouns) Don't try to discourage her thoughts and feelings. If this is a temporary phase that your child is going through, you'll know it soon enough. A qualified gender therapist can determine whether your child is gender dysphoric or not. You would be doing your child a great disservice by not allowing her to grow up in the gender that she perceives herself to be. Below are some links that should give you some additional information. Please keep in touch with us. We care.

MaryEllen

http://www.lauras-playground.com/transgend...al_children.htm

http://specialneedsparenting.suite101.com/...ansgender_child

http://www.transproud.com/parents.html

[Guest Michelle M]

Always let your child do what they want. (Regarding gender expression.) Never scorn them if they insist on playing with dolls or wearing dresses. Fully support them. Just let nature run its course. You have at the very least 9 years to let things happen and find out if this is a phase or not. You don't have to do anything drastic right now. Just make sure to let your child know that they can always talk to you about anything and never to be afraid of their feelings or saying something wrong to you.

ps. The child is so blessed to have you as a parent. You should be very proud.

[Guest Rika-chama]

I agree that you should let your child do what she (I'm gonna use feminine pronouns) feels right. Let her express her gender expression and be supportive. Just remember to keep her safe also. A boy in girls clothing is an easy target for bullying so teaching your kid how to deal with rude comments and whatnot and sometimes to keep her safe you will have to suppress her gender expression Of course this could just be a phase but until you know for sure just be supportive.

Also if everyone was as loving and accepting as you and your husband the world would be a much better place

[Guest Ryles_D]

He has also occasionally talked of cutting off his penis so he could be a girl, when I tell him girls don't have penises.

.... ow.

I don't have a penis, don't want one, and that still hurts.

Try to explain that not having a penis isn't the only thing that makes a girl. And that hurting yourself is bad.

Overall, accept it. Let them dress how they want. (My parents did. I went through a pair of disney phases, dressed as Tinkerbell for one and Alice in Wonderland the other, also had a Pocahontas dress. I was a very strange little boy. Anyways, I didn't turn out too horrible. Didn't even turn out female. Did turn out to love halloween.)

That you're coming here is a good step, she's lucky to have so open minded a parent. I told my mom I wasn't a girl today and she didn't even pause to consider it. Accept that they might grow up to be your daughter. Just take it a day at a time and, like you've been doing, research. Find out as much as you can, brace yourself for the work, and love your kid for who they are- whoever that might turn out to be.

[Guest Goldair]

Thank you for your responses. I am learning a lot, please keep it coming.

I find it interesting that I was always puzzling over the ways we immediately gender specify our babies. I did not choose to find out the sex of my child while I was pregnant, which really irritated the grandparents. I also had several dreams while pregnant that I was going to have a girl. Only one dream that I was going to have a boy. I was kind of surprised that he was a boy when he was born...

[MaryEllen]

Hi Goldair,

As the others have also said, I would let your child grow up as the little girl that she perceives herself to be. A question for you. Would you have been happier if your child had been born a girl rather than a biological boy? Whatever questions you may have, don't be afraid to ask them. We'll do our best to provide answers.

MaryEllen

[Guest Goldair]

MaryEllen,

Thank you for your advice. I was not disappointed regarding his gender. I just wanted a healthy child, and I was very happy he was.

You use the term she, which is okay with me. It helps me open my mind to the possibility. However, I am not really ready to call my son she to the world, or to accept that the statements he has made regarding him being "a girl for real and a boy for pretend" to be set in stone. So I will refer with masculine pronouns for now.

Are there people on this forum who changed gender at an early age? If so, how do you view your experience?

[MaryEllen]

MaryEllen,

Thank you for your advice. I was not disappointed regarding his gender. I just wanted a healthy child, and I was very happy he was.

You use the term she, which is okay with me. It helps me open my mind to the possibility. However, I am not really ready to call my son she to the world, or to accept that the statements he has made regarding him being "a girl for real and a boy for pretend" to be set in stone. So I will refer with masculine pronouns for now.

Are there people on this forum who changed gender at an early age? If so, how do you view your experience?

Hi Goldair,

I'm glad to hear that you were not disappointed with your child's birth gender. I had some worries that you might be disappointed/ resentful that your child is showing feminine tendencies instead of masculine tendencies which could have lead to some problems in the future. As you child is a physical boy, we have no problems with you refering to him as he. It is, however a rule in the rule and regs forum that the proper pronoun for a persons perceived gender be used. Please forgive us if we continue to refer to your child as she.

(Quote)

Are there people on this forum who changed gender at an early age?

No one actually changes gender. Sometimes, however, a person is born with a body that does not match what the persons brain says it is. The female brain and the male brain have several differences. Unfortunately, there is no medical way to determine which is which. Post mortem tests have been done and indeed, most transsexuals brains do have more female characteristics than male. As far as I know, there is no test to determine this on a living person.

Most transsexuals know at an early age that something is wrong with their physical makeup. Although I have no memory of this, my mother told me in later years that I insisted that I was a girl when I was 3 years old. She used to let me wear dresses untill my father put a stop to it. Evidently, he was afraid that his son would grow up to be a sissy girl and that was just not going to happen according to him. How wrong he was.

For now, I would continue to let your child express herself in her perceived gender. A gender therapist could probably give you some insight as to what your childs makeup is. I do specify a "gender therapist". Most traditional therapists don't have a clue as to what transgender issues are about. They would probably want to dose your child up with Prozac to "cure" her. So be careful in that regard.

http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm

MaryEllen

[Guest Steph2115]

Hello and welcome to the playground. May I suggest you try this link. Its a very profound documentary by Barbra Walters for 2020. Makes me cry every time. Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Utpam0IGYac