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Guest Maria_B

'badges Of Honor' From Being Supersized

21 posts in this topic

Well, heres the dealio.

Back when I was really heavy, right after beating Anorexia, then full swing Pendulum into compulsive overeating, my body was riddled with what I like to call 'Badges of Honor' or better known as stretch marks.

As I started to lose weight and get back to where I could breath without almost dying and walk without leaving a trail of blood, those Badges started to fade, and now when I'm at what I consider a decent weight (though most consider obese) I have the remnants of that, or rather the outlines of what they were.

I'm not sure about anyone else, but... I kind of like having them there, if not love it. It reminds me of what I've beaten, the Anorexia and Compulsive overeating, and I guess it reminds me of where I've been, what I've gone through to get where I was, the hardships and all, and I guess they are Badges of Honor after all.

I wasn't sure where to put this, but I wanted to know,

if anyone here has battled with compulsive overeating and won, how do you feel about your Badges of Honor? Or they the mark of Heretic too you?

Do you revel in their site or get repulsed?

To me, they are so much more then just an ugly outline of what used to be, they are me and they remind me of where I've been.

Now I prattle

I'll leave it at that,

Love, Maria.

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Very touching no I do not have any "Badges of Honors" but I can completly understand you thank you for sharing:)

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My body and soul are covered with scars. For the most part I don't mind them. As the original poster said, scars remind us we have lived, and remind us where we were at one point in our lives.

In 2006 I transitioned for a first time. I am 6'2" went from about 190 lbs to 150 lbs and maintained 150 for 6-8 months or so. During 06 and the first part of 07 I rushed my original transition and wound up in the middle of the Ozarks in Arkansas, broke and unable to continue transition or support it. So I went home. My family gave me an ultimatum. I had to live like a boy and go back to college if I was going to live with them. I went home, got a job and before I could even think of continuing my transition suddenly I owed my family all sorts of money for them moving me home from Arkansas to California, etc, and basically, any means in which they could constrict my purse strings as much as possible to hamper any attempt to live on my own or continue transition they did. They broke me. I refused to cut my hair but I began living as a male full time and gave up on the idea of transition. I then went from 150lbs to 280 lbs over the course of a year or so. As of today I now weigh 255.

Now I have stretch marks, which I am trying to get rid of, though I know that, knowing my luck and the fact that you really can't get rid of them anyway I doubt it will happen. I have stretch marks pretty much anywhere you can get them. I don't want to get rid of them because I am shallow and feel I need to hold up to society's standards of beauty... but in a way it does make me sick... right now I want my old stomach back. The flat one without stretchmarks and even better, no hair on it! I probably wouldn't wear a bikini even if I thought I would look good in one because I am that modest, but I had hoped to maybe wear a well fitting, short shirt that showed a little tummy and NOT have stretch marks showing.

As I said before, in general my scars, nor my stretch marks don't bother me. Just another hurdle I have to overcome to get where I want to be. Right now I don't consider them a badge of honor by any means. Perhaps my other scars but not the awful stretchmarks. When I see them all I think about are how my male co-workers complained about clubs with exotic dancers that allow dancers with scars and stretch marks... and how once my transition is finally complete I may never really feel comfortable with intimacy because of them... but who knows. Maybe I will get lucky and they will go away with weightloss and topical treatments, or at least be not very visible so I can wear a short shirt that doesn't go down over my hips and not worry about someone seeing them. Only time will tell. If they at least become mostly invisible I won't care and I'll call them badges of honor as well. If they continue to plague my existence and trash my self esteem I most likely won't.

My weightloss struggle round 2 is just beginning. Maybe when it's over my stretchmarks will go from a plague upon my skin to badges of honour. Only time will tell.

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Risu, I'm sorry it took so long for me to reply!

I too had a large part of my life where it was revulsion to them to the nth degree. Only around the time of the original post did I feel differently. My personal battle with accepting ''Okay, you're fat, thats okay, you have stretchmarks, thats fine.'' took a lot of work and effort and tears. I don't expect anyone else to put that into it. Sometimes I wonder, myself, if it was a worthwhile fight :)

So I can understand how you feel, and I think its a very valid, but the main reason I reply is that I appreciate you sharing with me your feelings and story, and I hope one day. Even if by trick of fate, you can either rid yourself of them or come to accept them as I do :)

Love you

Te amo, Maria.

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Hugs to you Maria and to Risu as well.

It is hard not to focus on those stretch marks and when I decided to try one last time to get my life back it was something that haunted me to an extent. I am 64 and I never completely managed to lose the 165lbs prednisone gave me 18 years ago . That weight gain was in less than a year. So I have significant marks. With prednisone -it can stay in your system for as much as 20 years and no matter what I did I couldn't lose it all. I'd starve and exercise like a fiend and as soon as I let my guard down there the weight went again.

The most I got back off was 100 lbs. Then things happened physically that put me in bed for 2 years. And I ate compulsively. I figured it didn't matter cause life was over anyway and I would never walk again. More weight and more stretch marks.

Even before the prednisone I had some significant marks on my stomach. I have battled comfort eating for a lot of my life. And lost and gained weight regularly-not like the prednisone but a large amount a couple of times. And I had toxemia during pregnancy and gained 45 lbs in a month. That really did it.

Did I mention I have a vain streak? Not a good combination.

Now I have lost 110 lbs of weight this year but since I have put on a great deal of muscle as well on T and by exercising those atrophied muscles I figure the actual amount of fat lost has to be quite a bit higher. At my age I thought I'd look like I was a candle left too long in the sun -all saggy and streaked with stretch marks. It hasn't happened. Well some. But nowhere near what I expected. My skin will never tighten completely-as it will for both of you and the marks I had before will always be there. But I am grateful every hour of every day regardless of the marks left that I beat this thing and I have a future again. I have my life back.

When I decided to transition that need to eat vanished and my whole relationship with food changed. I think in many ways food was the only real connection I had with my body except as a prison I was trapped inside. Food is gender neutral. Carries no feeling of wrongness when everything else except my art did. Because even my gaming as a male or hiking or fishing were guilty pleasures since I dropped into male mode for them.

I wish the marks weren't here. Don't need the reminder how lucky I am and what I have overcome. Every step I take does that. Every glance in the mirror-well clothed anyway and I avoid the other way as much as possible anyway :). But at the same time I am too glad to be where I am in my life to let some marks on my body cloud that. After all, who knows better than us that we are in truth not our bodies. We just use them to represent us. And seldom do we do that naked.

By the way I found Bag Balm-greasy stuff that it is-really helps any kind of marks, scars, lines or stretch marks. It softens them and they seem to fade a lot. Not vanish but fade is better than nothing. You can get it in most farm supply stores as well as ebay.

Hugs

Johnny

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Thanks for sharing that, Johnny :)

Its amazing, how much abuse our body can handle and still bounce back, but how little can also run it to ruins, too.

I'm glad you're getting closer and closer to where you want to be, you have put in the hard yards and should reap reward :) Keep on taking those remarkable steps that are bearers to your life of strength.

Usted un es hombre fuerte

You are a strong man

Te amo

Maria.

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Well Maria,

some ammo for when you start feeling low on your appearance:

Amy - Maria is super cute

April - Maria is a beautiful young woman

Autumn - I love her smile

Athena - Enough talk, get back to work.

okay, maybe the last one wont help, but hey. ;)

Hugs

April

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Ok Athena, back to work I go <3.

If anyone is struggling with their marks, (heavy or not), feel free to PM me, though I am an Aussie so replies may be far between. Maybe I can help you to learn to live healthily with them, or just so you can express your concerns with someone :)

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Maria,

My daughter got horrible stretch marks from her pregnancy at 23. Her skin is really succeptible to them her Dr said. But he also told her because of her age they would lighten and fade - they did. They may not be completely gone but they will be better. It's just slow.

That marvelous attitude you have about them will stand you in good stead about other things you cannot change as life goes on. It's one of life's hardest lessons and you have learned young what many never do.

You always amaze me with your wisdom - what a head start you have in life! It may not be apparent now, but attitude is all that really determines whether your life is good or bad. And girl, you've got that nailed.

Hugs

Johnny

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Im no doctor so Im not 100% positive on this but Im pretty sure tretinoin gel (retin-a) can be used to treat stretch marks...also a good tan goes a long way. But to the OP, over the past 5 years ive been everywhere from 180 lbs to 305 lbs, up and down, up and down, ive got my fair share of stretch marks... id like to get rid of them, but if I can't then It wont bother me, like you said... its proof of how far youve come.

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Update-I just realized that my stretch marks are gone! I though they would be horrific after having gotten to over 320-probably over 330 but I had quit weighing so I just count from 320. But though I have a whole lot of excess skin after 170+ lbs weight loss I no longer have stretch marks. I winder why? Could exercise help? I exercise a lot.

Or the thickening of skin-much thicker than I expected-from T?

I don't know but if I find out where they went I'll let you know.

Meanwhile anyone know ways to cut down on all this skin?

Johnny

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You'll have to literally cut it, Johnny.

My Mum has a skin skirt from various things, and she's been told (albeit like 7 years ago) that it's a surgeons knife or a learn to live with it.

But as I said, that was 7 years ago, who knows what medical science could have done in that time.

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I do, I went from 140 pounds to 72 in 2 1/2 months, then I gained back and i was 135, and in little time I was 90, I was a complete disaster, All the time gaining and losing weight in very little time.

Now I kinda stay in the same weight, which means I battled enough to find a stabilization weight, I have some stretch marks, and I hate them but I know I can get rid of them If i take enough care of it, just like my cutting scars.

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Lately I've really noticed some areas of skin have gone back much better than others. Okay -I can see possible reasons for that but have noticed that the areas with the best tightening are exactly where I use Bag Balm. It keeps the ticks etc off so I also have been using it on my arms and lower legs all summer. You can see exactly where I stop. I always credited it with not having nearly as many wrinkles as others my age before transition and I had the kind of fine dry skin that wrinkles worst but used it for the dryness. Noticed when I didn't I also got mild psoriasis and later learned some Drs even recommend it for that.

Amazing stuff really and I am planning to use it on the worst skin areas and see what happens. I do know that I have far less excess skin on my neck and face than I expected having had 6 chins before. I use it in my face and neck every day year round for the dry skin thing and the psoriasis which I don't have as long as I use it. As far as the loose skin I think it restores elasticity to some degree.

Worth a try anyway.

Johnny

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Wait.... You like having stretch marks? The only thing they are good for is if you want to lie and say you had a baby. And I'm not really sure why anyone would do that, but it's all that pops to mind. I mean, you're going to be stuck wearing one piece swim suits instead of bikinis, how is that fun?

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Nothing good about stretch marks but they are better than what caused them and the best thing is to say "Ok -it happened. Wish I hadn't gotten to that point but I did and I cannot change the past. I am proud that I addressed it and took care of what I could" and make the best of it. No matter what surgery I have I'll never look okay in shorts or swim trunks. They can do skin removal if I could afford it -and I would in a heartbeat -but the scars would be there. Just the way it is.

I minimize it. I hate it but I worked too hard to find peace and self acceptance to let it lessen my self esteem or affect my life. Nor would I lie about where those skin folds and stretch marks came from. I like myself now and they are part of the journey I made to get here.

Johnny

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Its not the stretch marks, and its not about liking them. Do I want them? no. But they remind of the achievement I've made in my personal health, the battles I went through to get where I am.

And, personally, I would never wear a bikini anyway.

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Its not the stretch marks, and its not about liking them. Do I want them? no. But they remind of the achievement I've made in my personal health, the battles I went through to get where I am.

And, personally, I would never wear a bikini anyway.

Yes, well, I fully intend to have a bikini-worthy physique even if it kills me. On that note, it's time to go jogging.

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Aug 2010? You're a little late to the party. Maria looks rockin today.

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You got that right Jody & have you ever noticed how inner beauty can lead to outer beauty? Maria is a perfect example of that.

Johnny

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I am very proud of all of you. You could have killed yourself with eating problems (over or under) but you beat them. I understand the badge of honor, I don't have big stretch marks but I do have some extra skin that bugs me after losing 60 pounds (nothing compared to your accomplishments) .

I wish the skin was tight but they do serve as a reminder of what I have accomplished. Maybe when I start growing boobies and hips it will stretch it all back out tight again. ;-)

You are all beautiful to me.

Diane

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