Going To A Party

[Guest Orva26]

Tis like the topic titles says, I gave into a gentle and caring nudge done with the purest and best of intentions and actually allowed myself to crawl outside of my brain, and outside of the internet today(Okay, well super technically it was yesterday; 3:30am here). I attended the holiday party of a TS/TG (Not sure which technically, cut me some slack I was operating on four hours of sleep. ) support group.

Doing this is an important step and it has provided me with insight and piece of mind. It was a good experience, one validating and affirming, one that I am deeply grateful to Janice for providing that nudge. It wasn't all puppies, roses, and sunshine and it didn't give me an answer; my destination is still unclear. But it did allow me to let go some, I am less critical of myself, less concerned with dissecting every last thought I have down to the most minute detail. I actually don't feel the same compulsion as I have to do that right now.

I will share that going there and returning from there was difficult. But once I got there and was recognized quickly and referred to as Orva things got easier. Now being called Orva and getting to introduce myself as Orva was not some mythic event of epic proportions but rather a soft and calming relief. I'm not sure how others perceived me because even during engaging conversations there were times when I had to look away and I think it was quite obvious that I was trembling slightly. At times I think I might have come across as slightly withdrawn and guarded and I'll admit that would be because I kind of was. I do know how I perceived others though:

The people I met today ones I felt I was able to connect with deeply, ones whose presence put me at ease enough to open up slightly about myself, ones I believe I will grow to cherish are just that, PEOPLE! I realized about an hour into being there that my brain was operating without labels, without judgement as to character but with an unflinching acceptance. That was such a beautiful realization!

There is more but... my sleep deprivation is catching up with me. Don't really like posting a half-post buuuuuuuuuut I really wanted to get this out there. There will be another one tomorrow, with more details as to what actually went on.

<3

Orva

[Guest Tiaria]

Now that's good news to read on a Sunday afternoon!

This certainly reminds of my first get-together, 'though it was hardly under pleasant circumstances.

My first time meeting TS's in real life, was at the last Day of Remembrance.

My motivation was basically penance... I had looked down on someone, and I felt I needed to make it up somehow... As that person was 'Gender variant', as well as dead, I felt that going to the memorial would at least help me clear my conscience...

I walked into the Café, sat down at the bar, and got talking... I told them how I was searching for answers, etcetera, etcetera; I told them I knew a certain (late) cross dresser; and discussed some basic things like "Where are you from?", "What do you do for a living?", that kind o' talk...

Talked for about 45 minutes straight, with a man I never met before; that would turn out to be a record...

It was like I said earlier: there was a 'connection' of sorts, they all felt familiar somehow, in a way I can't really describe... But everything I told them, and all they told me, was from the <3 !

But ehm, what 'mode' were you in?

Nighty-night, Sleepy!

Hugs,

Tiaria

[Cyndee]

Nice to read your post this morning Orva. Sounds like you had a good time, and made some nice contacts.

Hugs -

Cindy

[Guest Emily Ray]

Orva,

I am so happy that you took the little nudge! It sounds like you a little bit of peace if only for a moment. Where you said you didn't find it as some epic mystical event is so similar to my first day out! For what seemed like the first time in my life I was calm and though nervous it was different than the anxiety I had before. Orva I know you are struggling to figure out who you are and it is tiring to be thinking about it 24-7. But, this period wont last forever and once you get beyond it you will find the comfort of truly knowing what you are! then expect to find out who you are over the next year which is an exciting time as every event takes on a newness that is beyond comparison.

Huggs

Emily

[Guest Orva26]

Thanks everyone! <3

Okay, first for answering things because that is easy!

But ehm, what 'mode' were you in?

Boy mode but not because I didn't want to try girl mode but rather I lack adequate stuff for it. That, and the mental state that actually motivated me to go was one too frantic to allow me the time to prepare girl mode. I'll also admit, that I am not quite there with the courage/confidence yet.

I will be going in girl mode eventually, but I have spent so much time in my own head and freaking out in general that I haven't really even defined girl mode hence my phase in another topic, "I don't know how to girl! " I think it will be a gradual and slow thing I feel if I rush I might throw myself into a frantic state. Can't say how extensive girl mode will be next time I will at least paint my fingernails. Might sport a woman's sweater but only if I get around to exchanging the one I have that is the wrong size for one that is correctly sized. I should hit up that size chart here to help figure that out!

It was like I said earlier: there was a 'connection' of sorts, they all felt familiar somehow, in a way I can't really describe...

I got that feeling too! It was actually both comforting and really intense at the same time one of the things that caused the trembling. I think I seeing myself in the people there... a true kinship. I even got to tell someone, "You know what I mean." when words were failing me and I feel that, yes, she does know what I mean, me! The later part being something that almost made me not okay for the drive home... it touches on a part of me that I realize is a barrier to this process, one I want to break.

In my family and among friends I have generally been the one that "has it together", the one that no one expects to have issues or problems, and the one that has really been able to deal with most problems only occasionally seeking help. It had put me in a stage where some part of my mind thought I could do the same with this, that is go it alone. It should have been obvious that I cannot, since I was on these forums and in the chat on occasion but there is a certain shock to personal interactions and that was the thing I needed. Driving in my car and realizing that I DO have a problem that I cannot solve and that is okay, it isn't reflectant of a weakness or a shame was something that almost made me have to pull over. I actually forced myself out of what could have been a potential panic attack by distraction: blasting music, painfully pressing my free foot and leg against the door/floor, and chanting in my head, "I AM HURLING MYSELF AT HIGH VELOCITIES IN A METAL FRAME!" to remind myself that driving is the most dangerous daily activity that most people will experience. Wow, actually it is pretty amazing that I didn't end up pulling over!

Nice to read your post this morning Orva. Sounds like you had a good time, and made some nice contacts.

Yup, though I feel like I wasn't as sociable as I could have been, buuuuuuuut I think that is understandable.

It sounds like you a little bit of peace if only for a moment.

Yeah! I can actually know and feel myself beginning to let go of some things. Specifically anger. But my concerns and focus are shifting, instead of dissecting and rationalizing it is more moving towards feeling and understanding. I'm a less concerned with why I am having thoughts/feelings and more concerned with what they actually are if that makes sense. Now instead of chiefly having intense feelings/thoughts and posting about them the posting is becoming emotional. Makes things take a whole lot longer... think its 3 hours and counting so far for this one.

Instead of constant frantic worry I am in a calm, a shakable calm where I frequently need the comfort of things like blankets and have small bouts of crying but a calm none the less. I find now that when socializing I am able to be a little bit more me.

RARBEL! If I keep quoting I won't get to the events.

Once I actually figured out what building it was in I was a little bit apprehensive about going inside but it was un-merited. No-one was like, "OMG OMG A NEEEEEEWWWWWWW PPPPPPEEEEERRRRRRSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNN!" I wondered around for a little bit until Janice noticed and called to me, I walked over to her and we exchanged hugs and greetings before I got some food and sat next to her. She introduced me to the people sitting at the table (I feel bad because I forgot most of their names but that is just how my mind works. ). I sat there at that table for several hours talking and gaining deep insight from Janice and the others, it was very nice. I think I was holding back a little bit, darn silly barriers!

After a while there was an announcement by the gentleman who lets the group use the space and after that he opened up the GLBT library so attendees could browse it and barrow books. A few minutes after that ended I went inside of the library with the express purpose of finding literature to deepen my understanding about myself and transgender/transsexualism in general. But it was kind of an inundation for my mind and I didn't know where to start. I am so lucky for the kind woman who was also there that helped point me in the direction of some quintessential books. We had a nice conversation using analogy about knowing exactly what you want ahead of time and talked for a while before we got interrupted by a phone call I had to take. After a while and with her help I settled on 3 but I had to narrow it down to 2 because that is the limit. I went with True Selves and She's Not There. I haven't had a chance to start either yet but I think I will start True Selves first as it seems to be more informational, while She's Not There is an autobiography/novelization. It is going to be intense... just reading in the index and seeing the section, Transsexualism, the invisible handicap was enough to make me cry for two minutes.

Eventually there was another announcement that it was time for introductions and I was a bit scared because I didn't know that was going to happen. It wasn't as daunting as I thought it was going to be even though I ended up being either 3rd of 4th to share. I got relief through forcing out the simple introduction, "Hi, I'm Orva. This is my first time here and I'm not exactly sure where I fit... that's all I really have right now." to which the person leading the introductions replied something like, "Then you are in the right place." or "This is a good place for you then." and I think she is very right.

After that I talked for a while more with the people at the table I was sitting at. We talked mostly about practical things like good gender therapist in the state. I left with Janice and followed her as she said goodbyes. When leaving I allowed myself to hug and be hugged, but it was different than before... more open, wholesome almost. When we got to the parking lot, Janice and I parted with a hug, one that I found particularly comforting and special. It made me tear up when I first got into my car and when I woke up this morning and spent some time reflecting on these events the thought, "Is that how a younger sibling feels?" (I don't know since I am the elder of my brother)

This was a very good thing I did. I haven't found the NEED to write in my tome since then. I have wanted to but not strongly enough to do it, rather instead I have focused on having the feelings and not meticulously recording them. I will be writing it later I think. I want to try some exercises. Since I am nearing complete certainty that this IS about my body I want to spend time observing it and create a list of things/features that I like/am grateful for and then make another list of the ones that displease me. Then doing the same with my personality... er... at least the social part of it, idk its difficult to convey exactly what I mean. But that will happen after I try reading some of True Selves and eat... sort of missed dinner time working on this.

-Orva

[Guest JaniceW]

Orva my little sister, it is so good to read your posts and realize that you were helped by my trying to nudge you into your first real world contact. I just knew that that first contact did so much for me when it occured a few months ago. This, like everything else we are experiencing for the first time in our lives, will become more subtle now. That first time is so enthrawling it is almost overwhelming but then it becomes normal and even peaceful.

I look forward to every meeting of that group each month. I especially enjoy going for dinner after the meetings, it is so much fun to just be out with the people and talking about everything. Each time I feel like a little more of the barriers have been melted away. Eventually there won't be any more barriers and I'll just be being me.

[Guest Tiaria]

You know,

Right now, I'm really jealous of the two of you...

There's a huge stretch of water at my front door, and the two of you are on the other side...

(I know, the UK is still in between, but you get my point...)

Love,

Tiaria

[Guest Orva26]

Sweet Tiaria, this is indeed an unfortunate thing, but it is one that cannot be helped.

WHY HAVEN'T THEM PHYSICIST FIGURED OUT TELEPORTING YET?!

Well I actually kind of know enough physics to answer that.

I am certain that you will get this experience soon. For you I feel that the connection will come with your therapist. Being that she is a transwoman I think your connection will end up as the Mariana Trench of all connections and be mega deep.

<3

Orva

[Guest Tiaria]

Shame, the local library doesn't have those books, so guess I'll be ordering them in...

That'l be another 33 €'s, down the drain, 'cause I want to read them, too...

[Guest Tiaria]

Sweet Tiaria, this is indeed an unfortunate thing, but it is one that cannot be helped.

WHY HAVEN'T THEM PHYSICIST FIGURED OUT TELEPORTING YET?!

Well I actually kind of know enough physics to answer that.

I am certain that you will get this experience soon. For you I feel that the connection will come with your therapist. Being that she is a transwoman I think your connection will end up as the Mariana Trench of all connections and be mega deep.

<3

Orva

I suppose if we develop transporter technology, we'd have even greater jet lags, than we do today...

...Uhm, I've got build myself a sub!

*Runs off*

Tiaria

[Guest JaniceW]

You know,

Right now, I'm really jealous of the two of you...

There's a huge stretch of water at my front door, and the two of you are on the other side...

(I know, the UK is still in between, but you get my point...)

Love,

Tiaria

Tiaria, my other little sister over the pond, you can have the same experience too. Use your therapist to find a support group in your area or, at least, to make some contact with other TG folks. In my experience it really doesn't matter if they are MtF or FtM as we all face very similar issues and the kinship is the same for all of us.

Just reach out and get out of the house and out of your head for awhile. It is amazing how these issues become so much smaller and more manageable once they are out in the light and not some nebulous idea that gets analyzed to death by our minds.

[Guest Tiaria]

Tiaria, my other little sister over the pond, you can have the same experience too. Use your therapist to find a support group in your area or, at least, to make some contact with other TG folks. In my experience it really doesn't matter if they are MtF or FtM as we all face very similar issues and the kinship is the same for all of us.

Just reach out and get out of the house and out of your head for awhile. It is amazing how these issues become so much smaller and more manageable once they are out in the light and not some nebulous idea that gets analyzed to death by our minds.

Actually, I might be doing just that, next weekend, and I already know a place...

Was thinking about it earlier, but certain things got in the way... (Or I simply forgot...)

[Guest JaniceW]

Actually, I might be doing just that, next weekend, and I already know a place...

Was thinking about it earlier, but certain things got in the way... (Or I simply forgot...)

Push yourself to go there. Even if you feel yourself trying to back out of it, puch forward and get there. It will be difficult to get in the door but it will open such a beautiful world for you. Just being able to relax in a group of people who actually understand what you are experiencing is a reassuring feeling.

[Guest Tiaria]

Push yourself to go there. Even if you feel yourself trying to back out of it, puch forward and get there. It will be difficult to get in the door but it will open such a beautiful world for you. Just being able to relax in a group of people who actually understand what you are experiencing is a reassuring feeling.

Actually, I've been there once, already: at the last day of remembrance... But, then, I went as a form of penance, as I felt guilt over looking down on someone, who was dead, by that time... Getting to speak with other TGs was (in my mind) just a bonus...

I took about 15 minutes to gather the courage to walk through that door....

It's just that since then, I didn't put much effort in going, again...

[Guest Melanie N]

I am so glad this experience turned out positive (mostly) for you. I'm not quite as conflicted, but I haven't made the step yet to venture out and meet others. I've been eyeing a few groups locally here in VA, but I haven't made the leap to attend a meeting yet. Baby steps as we all say... Anyways, your experience might be just what I need to get my own "nudge".

[Guest Orva26]

Thanks Melanie!

I really do encourage people to try this. *NUDGE*

Seriously though it is a good idea if you have been losing sleep, in anguish as I have been.

[Guest Tiaria]

It's set!

This weekend, I'm going. And hopefully, I'll make some real friends in the process...

Tiaria