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Guest eliza.d

found out yesterday, i am intersex. dad hid it from me and everyone.

19 posts in this topic

well this beats all hell.

well i know for a fact my brain is female and my heart is the size of a womans. my dad has heart disease and it runs in the family so i was checked out pretty regular for years. docs always thought my heart wasnt developing properly, theyd say, its too small for a boys heart, they were concerned aboht me playing sports. but i never had a problem. as far as uterus and ovaries, id think id have found out somewhere along the line. my testosterone has always been extremely low, most of my body has always been very feminine, and i couldnt build muscle easily. or at all really. i was always pretty hairless. couldnt grow a beard till i was in my early twenties. now i wish i couldnt have grown one at all, lol the comments made by doctors long ago about my heart, it occurred to me today, along with other things about me, could mean i have a degree of is. i dont know. my brain was also the subject of study when i was young, bcuz i had behavioral issues, so they called them, and high intelligence, so i took an iq test. it turned out my brain was different too. testing revealed it.

the subject of being intersex never came up despite all this testing and medical concern. and at that point i dared not to tell a soul how i really felt inside for fear of being institutionalized .

after speaking to my dad with my questions. he told me some interesting facts only he and my grandmother knew about my birth. he said he never would have told me, but now that i am in transition and living as my true self, there was no longer an issue. he didnt want to lose his boy then, and i understand. he also said that he felt responsible for the misery i suffered for years until i figured out what i had to do.

apparently, i had a vagina when i was born. being my fathers decision, and since i also had a penis, he couldnt bear to chose to condone surgery to remove the penis, so he decided to have them take steps to make me a boy. they sewed it up. i dont think it was fully developed for that stage in my life. he admitted he made the wrong decision then, and apologized in a tearful conversation with me.

i forgave him of course, hes my dad.

he said he didnt want to talk about that part anymore since he still feels guilty. i respect that. i may be able to get my pediatric medical records, but my old doctor closed his practice years ago, and i dont think he is still living. it may require some digging. but im good at that.

so in short, im not only a mtf transsexual, i am intersex. what some people refer to as a hermaphrodite. i knew something was still buried, but i couldnt put it all together. now i know.

hell of a way to find all this out fast. good thing i am parked. lol

from my facebook wall yesterday.

i posted this today while reflecting.

yesterdays big discovery weighed on me quite a bit last night and into today. even trying to avoid the shoulda-woulda-coulda thought process, i still couldnt help but think: if i had known this earlier, like as in all along, and had proof, i wouldnt have been afraid to tell someone how i felt all those years. could have avoided the dozen suicide attempts and loads of misery and suffering. kinda felt like, so now u tell me dad! and i thought he was just having normal, and some abnormal issues with my transition. all along it was his guilt that caused the rift. not that i was actually his daughter and taking steps to correct my body problem and sort my life out.

so my grandma and my dad knew all along that i was intersex. now i have to find out whats inside of me. a little bit paranoid for the risk of cancer developing or that its already there. but cancer isnt my main source of paranoia at the moment. cuz of that awful night when i was brutally and repeatedly raped.

im not gonna worry about it, though i am being checked as regularly as i should.

just one more hurdle in the race that is my life.

i keep thinking god doesnt give ya more than ya can handle, but im beginninh to wonder. im strong, i can and will handle it.

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Hon.....amazing!

If your old records are gone (as is your doctor...) and the sewn up scars are healed, the best validation (other than your dad) is a chromosome test!

Then you'll know what degree of this you have.....

Being intersex is something that I wish that I could say for myself...(It cuts down on the "It's a lifestyle choice" comments...) and gives a medical reason to our condition that is more acceptable to more folks ....that should shut up some people!

Good luck, Hon

Dee Jay

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thanks dj. ive had genetic testing too, i didnt know it, but dad told me. i think im xx male? i plan on havin mri etc. worried i could be at risk for cancer. im gonna check into it.

thanks sister.

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GAH!

Hope that you're not at risk for C

Dee Jay

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me too. most of the people i love have cancer in one form or another, but we all do what we can with what we got.we tgirls are fighters. a

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well, just talked to my dad again. found out i had mri s done when i was 12. i was sick at the time so i didnt know what the purpose of the tests were for. seems i have a uterus, both ovaries, and both fallopian tubes.

now my question to my dad was, once yoi found out what was inside of me, why didnt you tell me? i could have and could be at serious riak for cancer i said. my friend shannon developed ovarian cancer at 19 and had to have a hysterectomy. he had an understandable but lame explanation. he said knowing that he had definitely made the wrong choice when i was born wasnt something he could deal with. i was peed, but i didnt let him know. he has a heart condition and all i wanted to do was ease his stress and guilt over the whole situation.

he seemed ok. i can handle what i have to deal with but i cant stand seeing those i love suffer.

looks like i have an intersting and difficult road ahead. oh well, this chic is up for what lies ahead. now i know what lies beneath or within.

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Eliza,

That must have been been somewhat of a shock to you finding out that they had sewn up your vaginia at such an early age.

I do have a question. You stated that your MRI, when you were around 8 years old, showed that you have a uterus, ovaeries and both fallopian tubes. Were these operable or just there? Just wondered where the egg and blood from your menses went too; was it just absorbed into your body?

I hope that you don't take my questions the wrong way. But, it is an extrememly important medically to define all such issues. As you may be aware, there are many different medical conditions involved in the definition of "intersexed". Yours just may be one that has not been fully defined and or documented. If so, it could possibly help others to better understand the condition.

Mike

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Just wondered where the egg and blood from your menses went to

That's a good question, Mike. Where would the egg and blood go, In particular, the egg. Could that be a source of serious infection??

MaryEllen

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Mary Ellen,

In all probability, it could very well cause an extremely life threatening internal medical problem. Since the vagina was sewn up, there would be no exit for the menses to be safely released.

Now, using the latest technique in phalloplasty- the surgeons are doing a vaginnectomy [ sp]. Anyway, they are sewing up the patients vagina,but are leaving a very tiny hole so that any internal fluids can be released safely. It's quite a complicated surgical technique and not all FTM surgeons are capable of doing it properly. And, some patients are not having the urethral extension and are thus needing the ureatheral [sp] left open for urination purposes.

Mike

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About 36 years ago, one major city/county coroner/pathologist published a book on his more unusual cases and did (name of Halpern or Halpert) include an instance of an IS person who had a split genitalia system with a single ovary and fallopian tube and a uterus that was also about half size, but the uterine exit had connected high in the large colon and so from age 14 until the person died at about 60 from a car accident, they had "bleeding piles" for a short time once a month. This was long enough ago and the person was one who could not regularly go to a doctor, so it took being killed in a car crash to find out. The person had monorchism, but was a dad twice over!! The book had been suggested reading for one of my criminology classes in college.

Sad to say that the book also had a chapter on the suicides of two transsexuals as well!!

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Wow! That's got to be a one in a million??? chance of that happening. Eliza, if I were you I'd double time, hightail it ASAP to my doctor for a follow up investigation. You're life could seriously be in danger.

MaryEllen

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well, just talked to my dad again. found out i had mri s done when i was 12.

So you were a girl until you were age 12 and you did not know or remember it?

Fantastic!

Lizzy

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lizzie. i knew i was a girl from age three, but didnt understand why i didnt look like the other girls..

apparently, my internals were not functional, this was the purpose of the mris at twelve, i disnt know anything about it at the time or until just recently. i had mris done at the recommendation of my hrt gen prac about two months ago, he suspected i amay be intersex due to my light speed transformation. i had the resulta before i talked to my dad about it and did not publicise any of it until i had heard it feom my dad. his guilt for making the wrong decision at birth had caused him to be unable to face my transition and the truth. he now accwpts me fully as his daughter and only refers to me by eliza. this has healed our relationship in total.

apparently, if i had had corrwctive surgery before male puberty set in, there was a chance of restoring function to my female parts, but i didnt know, and the only one that did kept quiet. i had pet scans done and have to get them done again in 6 months to determine if my ovaries may be cancerous. docs say it ia not likely since i am already 33.

it all confuses me from a medical perspective. juat living with the knowledge that my life could have been different and that i did not nee to endanger myself thru numerous suicide attempts is fruatrating.

i have 15 days till my name change happens and sooooo much going on that i have to manage it all.

hugs, eliza

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I must say your story is unique. I've never heard of anything like this before.

MaryEllen

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Are you in theraphy?

Lizzy

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yepper. i have two therapists. unique how? that it took so long to uncover?

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o.O I know of an intersexed person. I've never met the person, but they have your name o.o My wife was telling me about a cousin or somesuch named Eliza (I don't know if it is the same person or if it is spelled wrong).

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Eliza is no longer a member of this forum.

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As I have already posted elsewhere in the forums that I was born intersex. After reading Eliza’a account, she appears to be the opposite of my situation and both of us are living examples of what happens when humans feel that they know better than nature. By this I do not mean that an intersex infant never requires medical intervention, but the cosmetic application (read misuse) of surgery takes infant boys and converts us into physical females and our sisters into pseudo boys for no other reason than the medical profession acting as the agents of a society totally wrapped up in the myth of a physical and psychological binary blueprint for our species.

Invariably, some of us still retain a distant memory who we really were and physical signs tell us who we may be. A genetic female born with what appears to be a penis (the penis and clitoris both arise from the same organ), a perforate (open) or detectable vagina, uterus , fallopian tubes and ovaries probably does not have a Y chromosome (which usually prevents the formation of female internal reproductive organs). This can occur in cases of Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia (CAH - i.e. enlarged adrenal glands). These glands produce more testosterone than a female fetus needs and she starts to virilise. It is quite rare for these children to be reassigned to male, but it does happen. Most are surgically ‘tidied up by clitoral reduction - many lose sensitivity in their genitalia - but who cares, they look ‘norma’!

Most of the girls with CAH who are raised female are fertile and some have gone on to have children of their own. There are other conditions which can give rise to a virilised female new-born and this is why all babies, especially those who present with some suggestion of intersex must be fully assessed in the first few weeks of life.

I am amazed (and concerned) that in Eliza’s case, prior to the surgery to close the vagina, no internal examination appears to have been done. So, what can happen when the ovaries become active and menstruation starts? In some cases the ovaries are inactive and menstruation is not possible. In some children there may be a fistula (opening) between the vagina and the bladder or the urethra, ureter, large intestine or rectum and menstrual blood flows out of the urethral opening (in this case I describe next, the penis) or the anus. One child I treated had this condition and until she began to pass blood when urinating no one in her family would believe that she was a girl. The view of her family was that ‘he’ was “just going through a phase and fantasising” ..... When she was admitted and tests were done her ‘fantasy’ was found to be fact.

I always advise a karyotype test for children who present with relevant symptoms (Ambiguous genitalia / leukemia / Developmental delays / Multiple birth defects), but one needs to be wary of relying totally on just one test. It is possible for a person who is otherwise male to be XX and a female to be XY. There are also examples of individuals whose body cells show the presence of 46,XX/46,XY (termed a mosaic) in each cell or whilst some body cells contain XY others show XXY. In some children there is just one X in each cell (Turner Syndrome).

I note than Eliza is no longer a member of the forum, but wherever she is I wish her well - a long, happy, healthy life as the person she was meant to be.

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