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Guest CariadsCarrot

how to come out

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Guest CariadsCarrot

When you come out to people how do you explain? What words do you use?

Do you use the transgender or transsexual words? Do you talk in terms of a birth defect or mismatched mind and body?

Just thought it might be helpful, especially for those of us who are still in the process of coming out to people to hear how other people word it and also maybe any difficulties people have come up against from using certain words or ways of coming out.


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Guest Amber90

I’ve only come out to one person, but with him I used the term transvestite. I understand that some people in the trans community find this word slightly clinical and outdated, but at the time I thought it was the best expression to use, as it’s one that all non-trans people seem to know the exact meaning of. I felt that using the preferred word crossdresser may have sounded a tad too vague.

On the other hand, I’m now considering telling future outees that I have gender identity disorder. Reason being that recently I’ve become slightly perplexed as to where my transgender status really stands. Whilst last year I was totally convinced that I was a crossdresser, this year my feelings have intensified slightly, and I sometimes think that I’m potentially a MTF. I don’t really want to have to tell everyone I’m a crossdresser, only to have to go back and re-out myself as a transsexual woman later on down the line.

This, however, is just a thought based on my present feelings. I may decide to just stick with my traditional “I’m a transvestite” line, as it went down pretty well the last time.



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Guest Jesse0319

I've come out to various friends and classmates, at different times....I've prolly come out about 5 different times, now. I always use the word "transgender". I think of it as a kind of...."neautral word", I guess? I'm still in the Teen years, so I try to stay away from words like "transvestite" or anything with the word "sexual" in it. I don't like dealing with the giggles.

Although, if I'm comming out to a good friend who I know for a fact is going to take it well (as in I'm only telling them so that they know to change pronouns, and there's nothing dramatic about it), then I do believe I've used the word "Transgender". I know some people in the trans community don't like it, but I have this mentality of "owning" words that are meant to hurt me, like "I'm the one that's trans, and I like how the word Transgender sounds, so therefore it's my word and you can't use it as an insult. Ha Ha."

Erm, /endrant.

If I come out and someone give me a blank look or the directly ask, then I explain what it means. Other than that, that's all that happens. I don't need to explain myself to people :P


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Guest LizMarie

When I came out to my wife, I adopted a strategy suggested by my therapist. I started by asking her what her childhood was like and if she ever had doubts about herself. She told me about how she always wanted to travel, go beyond the next hill but as she talked she realized that no, she never had doubts about herself. I then explained that I've always had doubts about myself. From there I explained my doubts about gender, and how the entire culture in which we had grown up in that part of America had forced me to repress everything about myself for many, many years.

I don't know how things are ultimately going to turn out between myself and my wife but I believe that we'll remain friends, regardless of what else happens to us. And that's the key thing, trying to keep lines of communication open to people you love.

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Guest Elizabeth K

Let me try this.

I am a transsexual - no way to hide that. It has taken me a few years to accept that harsh word, but I do now consider myself a transsexual by definition.


I decided to transition - and have successfully done so. So I now know that while I have been a transsexual my entire life, and always will be, but that I am really a woman now. To be fair I say I am a transitioned woman, a woman who was born transsexual and had to find resolution by transitioning. I am my true self now.


The difficult time explaining this was the early years, after my confirmation by a diagnosis of 'transsexual." Back then I turned to people and explained it a bit differently that what I wrote above.

"I am gender dysphoric, and was born with a condition where I could never reconcile my body with what I felt I really was. So all through my childhood, I was a girl and looked like a boy. There was no way to get people to understand so I learned to pretend to be a boy. All my life I have been seen as someone I am really not, but I have tried as hard as I could to live up to the expectations of others. One day I had to just quit being false to myself and all those around me."

"We are transgender people, and except for this condition, we are just like everyone. It is about gender identity, and has nothing to do with sexual orientation. I know you cannot really understand, only other transgender ever can, but I do need your support? I really want your support, in my effort to be my true self."

I use 'transgender' - in my definition, transsexuals a part of the transgender umbrella.- so it is true, just not specific.


At the risk of seeming repetitive let me say again, I have now transitioned, I rarely use the 'transgender' word anymore. I am 'transsexual'.- and a woman - a transitioned woman, but first and last a woman. That is the only way I can be - that's how I define myself.

But it took a while to get to where I am.

So be confident - be honest and be proud of what you are.


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Guest Laura T.

i tell people i'm a cow... my pastor don't like that. i hesitate to tell people i'm transgender... much easier to say i cosplay/roleplay/pretend something cool. people cant argue with awesomeness.

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I've been very into this question recently. Not the words and definitions although they are important but the seemingly unstoppable movement towards honesty with myself and the world. When asked what do i want i can only say i don't know but it comes to me by living honestly. The more i can come out the more i will know where it will all end up. Maybe i'll end up saying give me back my pants and mans life but i don't think so. Its a sometimes slow sometimes very fast movement towards self with running away from issues but by facing them as best i can. Grant me the serenity to accept what i can't change etc. Its not my will being done here. Hopefully it will help others if thats meant for me. What a journey!



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Guest Donna Jean


Ya know......coming out is not like doing arithmetic, where 1+1 always equals 2.....

Coming out is pliable, bendable, mold-able to fit the situation and the person you're coming out to...

There is no recipe to follow for a successful experience.....

You can listen to what others have done and borrow from that .....

But, every experience is as individual as a fingerprint....

Best of luck...


Dee Jay

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I avoid saying the word "transsexual" like the plague..

Because I was born intersex, I start there, because for some reason, being a hermaphrodite is easier for 'normal' folk to wrap their heads around. I move onto the story of my ambiguous 'parts', my mis-diagnosis as a PAIS male, the surgeries and what was accomplished, finishing with what my current doctors know to be true..

By the time I point out that I am, in fact, a FEMALE hermaphrodite, the wheels start turning in their heads. Suddenly, they 'get it', they see my TRUE dilemma, that I am a female person stuck in a male life. It is only later that the term 'trans' enters the discussion, and by then, I have side-stepped much of the stigma potential in the situation...

But the FACT is, no matter HOW I ended up stuck in a male life, by virtue of whatever circumstances, I am no more nor less 'transsexual' than any other MTF, but still, I usually find I get a 'pass' and find instant sympathy and concern when coming out. Except with my spouse, that is! lol...

She says she is FINE with me being a hermaphrodite, it is the FEMALE part that gets her upset, the 'trans' portion of the equation...

My advice?

Say 'transgendered' NOT 'transsexual'...

Emphasize the scientific evidence to support your discussion...

Don't let the conversations go on too long, stay focused and calm..

If you feel like you are 'selling' your opinion, back off and let it ride. Tomorrow is another day, give 'em some time to digest your news...

Keep you eyes on the prize. This is the TRUTH of your existence, not an opinion you took on willy-nilly, this is YOU!!

Hope I helped, but, probably not...lol..

:) Svenna

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You helped and thanks

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You helped and thanks

:) :) :)


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Guest CariadsCarrot

I've just had to write a message to someone who runs a theatre group I'm going to hopefully be going to. They know me there and also know very well my mother and sister (which is a down point coz my mother and sister don't accept me enough to use my new name or pronouns yet so I'm hoping that doesn't confuse matters.) and also I don't look good enough to go stealth yet even if they didn't know me so I need to come out to the person who runs the group before I start going again.

...so I thought I might as well post the letter I wrote to her in this thread.

Hi *****,

There's something I wanted to talk to you about before I start coming to ********* on wednesdays.

I was born with a condition created by an imbalance of the hormones before I was born. The hormones are supposed to make a baby form as male or female but they didn't happen in the right amounts so I was born physically appearing female but with a male brain.

Because I appeared female I was brought up as a girl. It's a really tough way to live and caused a lot of problems including depression and self harm. I ended up feeling that I couldn't go on living like that.

Then recently I found out that I can get treatment for this condition. I'm beginning the treatment which includes starting to live as the male I should have always been. I know I don't look very male yet but as the treatment continues my body will hopefully gradually begin to appear more like the man I am inside. For the first time I'm beginning to be truly happy as the person I should have been and a lot of the problems caused by the condition are solving themselves in the process.

I know it's difficult and will probably feel strange while I still look more female than male but in line with the treatment I'm asking if you and others at ********* could please now call me 'Gabe' which I've chosen to be my new male name (I'd look really silly being a man called ***** lol) and refer to me with male pronouns. I know I've been known as ******* at ******** in the past but I hope that the change wont be TOO confusing.

My mum and ******* are finding the process very difficult to cope with as they have been used to seeing me as female but they are used to hearing me referred to as male and by the name of Gabe even though they still use female terms when talking about me. I'm giving them the grace to change this gradually as they are ready but most other people in my life have now been calling me Gabe and using male terms for me for some time now.

I'm very nervous to say all this but I know you're a very accepting person so I hope you'll understand.

Please let me know that you've got this message and if it's ok.

Gabe ****** (previously **** ******)

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Very nice letter. I came out to a group of people who have known me as Chuck for 5 years a little over a month ago. They have been understanding and because I present female they accept me as female and with a few slips address me as a femalee except for a former sponsor in the group who loudly proclaims Chuck instead of Charlie. Bless him, he's a good religious man but lacks a bit of tolerance, Maybe i can help him find it.

I,m sure your letter will help but we know that slips are certain and for the most part not intentioned.



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Guest CariadsCarrot

Thanks Charlie. I hope the one guy in your group gets his head around things eventually.

I got the most awesome response back from my letter that I could have hoped for. I'm so happy.


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