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Guest Kyu

Two Little Big Problems

7 posts in this topic

A bit of a late night post, but this is eating away at me so here goes.

I have been open for quite some time now, but the amount of progress I can make is blocked by two things. My younger brother and sister. The problem isn't that I can't tell them, but I'm not allowed to. My parents (mum and step-dad) seem to think they are way too young to understand what I am going through and have stopped me doing anything trans related in the house. Even getting on the forum and chat-rooms is like a daily scenario from a fictional stealth operation. Obviously they can't say anything about what I do online and the siblings know very well; if they go on my laptop, i'll kill them! (metaphorically speaking of course.)

So this is the situation: little brother age 9 and little sister age 12, are pretty much unaware of what is going on. Although a few slip ups on my part have lead to some questions towards my mother, which she seems to avoid better than a professional dodge ball player. I get unlimited opportunities every day to sit them down and talk to them, but the folks just refuse. It's frustrating because not only am I unable to begin my full transition, but having to lie to the kids every day to keep an unwanted cover just seems unfair. What makes it worse is the fact of what my parents are saying.

"Don't forget it's not only you who has to go through this, it's all of us."

I realize this. I mean forgive me if i'm being selfish, but they weren't the ones who had to struggle keeping up this mask for so many years. It was me and I hated keeping it from them, and now i have plucked up the courage to actually do something about it, they seem to be delaying if further. I understand the fact that the whole family needs the time to adjust, but I just feel like they are hiding behind the kids.

I'm not entirely sure how to explain it to children of that age, but I know I could if I just sat down and spoke to them. Somthing else to think about that worries me is, what will happen when I finally get move to HRT? I can't imagine my reaction if they said no because the kids were to young to understand. (I have a feeling it would be somewhere along the lines of furious.)

The worst thing is, it is stressing me out big time. I am so close to full time, finding that light at the end of the tunnel and this is in my way. It's making me feel like I don't have freedom in my own house. I don't hate anyone for it, I love my folks and I know they love me. But UGH!!! This whole situation is just so frustrating!

Another thing to worry about is, once the kids know they will more than likely spill it to my genetic dad. (who doesn't know yet) And that is something i'm not ready for just yet.

I honestly don't know what to do, it seems like either way I am fighting a battle that will cause some heavy loss to both side Alexis and side Family. I mean, is it really OK to be selfish if I think SOME good will come out of it?

But anyway, i'm going to have to call it here. It's ridiculously late and I need to get some sleep. I'll check back on it tomorrow, who knows maybe i'll be able to think more clearly by then.

The question i leave you with is this:

Is waiting till my parents say when I am ready to tell the kids, the best thing to do?

Huggles,

-Kyu

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Hi Kyu,

I am not sure how old you are but I bet that you are still a minor and still under the care and legal responsibility of your parents. Children are far more understanding and open minded than many people give them credit for. I know that your parents are concerned for your younger siblings and out of respect I would comply with their wishes. When I came out to my ex, one of the things she seemed adamant about was that I "do not tell the kids" (well the "kids" were in their teens and twenties then, they were not children). Initially, I complied with her wishes, but then I realized that it was not her decision. Since then, I have come out to my kids and we all are much happier for it. I have never been closer to my kids as I am now. Enough about me......

Eventually, everyone is going to have to know. You cannot hide forever and your parents can't deny who you are from yourself and others indefinitely. That mentality is very harmful in the long run. I would suggest that you and your parents consult a therapist regarding family dynamics and transgender child so that they get more of a perspective on what is the best course of action is for everyone involved. I know your parents mean well, and are trying to look out for everyone. It is important to respect and comply with your parents wishes regarding your siblings. Your parents must also know that you need and must be able to be yourself. Somewhere in family love will the right answer emerge for you and your family.

Brenda

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Hi Kyu,

Brenda is correct in saying to listen to your parents. Its hard to wait but maybe you could persuade your parents to consult a therapist to help work out the difficulties. It will work itself in time. You've moved so far already in being honest to them. The rest will follow in time.. Maybe being an old woman makes it easier.

Hugs Charlie

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Hi Kyu,

I am not sure how old you are but I bet that you are still a minor and still under the care and legal responsibility of your parents. Children are far more understanding and open minded than many people give them credit for. I know that your parents are concerned for your younger siblings and out of respect I would comply with their wishes. When I came out to my ex, one of the things she seemed adamant about was that I "do not tell the kids" (well the "kids" were in their teens and twenties then, they were not children). Initially, I complied with her wishes, but then I realized that it was not her decision. Since then, I have come out to my kids and we all are much happier for it. I have never been closer to my kids as I am now. Enough about me......

Eventually, everyone is going to have to know. You cannot hide forever and your parents can't deny who you are from yourself and others indefinitely. That mentality is very harmful in the long run. I would suggest that you and your parents consult a therapist regarding family dynamics and transgender child so that they get more of a perspective on what is the best course of action is for everyone involved. I know your parents mean well, and are trying to look out for everyone. It is important to respect and comply with your parents wishes regarding your siblings. Your parents must also know that you need and must be able to be yourself. Somewhere in family love will the right answer emerge for you and your family.

Brenda

Very good advice to this young person Brenda,very positive and helpful.Thank you.

Rikki...

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Kyu,

I wonder if it isn't your parents that don't understand what you are going through and are using the children as a scapegoat...just a thought.

Finding a therapist able to help all of you to deal with these issues in a healthy way would be my suggestion.

Best of luck, and don't give up on your dreams...the fact that you are dealing with this at a young age is commendable.

-Hailey

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At 20 you have to do it their way or find another place live. Sad to say this problem is common amonst LGBT people. If your still going to school you should try and work it out. Regarless, always know your options.

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Thanks for all the feedback guys, i have given it some long and hard thought and i think i should give it some time.

I think i am just getting a bit to overly stressed about it and need to calm down. The kids don't really need to know until HRT comes through at least, for the mean time there is nothing stopping me transitioning outside of the house. To be honest i can't really do much more until the GT contacts me anyway, so letting the passage of time pass seems to be the best option. Not only in telling the children, but in proving to my parents that i am not just confused. I have come up with some sort of strategy, i think it would be bast for everyone to tell them when i tell my genetic dad. Which will be just before i start hormones. Reason i chose this time is it completely kills off the leaking it to dad problem, it also shows that i have put enough thought into it to show this is what i really want.

Thanks for the advise guys, it's good to know i have such wonderful people to talk to!

huggles,

-Kyu

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