Help With Issues Of Male Body Female Heart

[Guest Jaquie Lynn]

My name is Jaquie Lynn and I am in a quandry. I have lived my life as a male but never felt quite right about it. I joined the service when I was 20 and did 10 years. I was retired due to injuries sustained while on active duty. I never felt the need or desire to be feminine while in the service. But now I am in my fifties and the testosterone levels have dropped substantially and Gosh darned, this is a real roller coaster ride of emotions and chemistry. One day I wake up and feel like the Hulk and then I will go for days or weeks feeling like a woman. The problem is that I am 6' 2" and tip the scales at a healthy 260. I am not over weight, no more than about 35 to 40 lbs. I was a Diesel Mechanic and Main Propulsion Engineer on ships and owned 5 companies that were very physical. My body adjusted to heavy labor and I got big.

Now that I am semi retired and have no need of this mass of muscle, combined with the fact that I have developed 44D breasts without the help of drugs and the like, I am in a Quandry. I have always maintained a slightly feminine manner about me. On more than one occassion I have had a person that knows me well make the remark. I can't figure you out, Whether your straight, gay, or bi-sexual. I have never had a gay liason in my life. They were referring to my mannerisms. As big as I am I sit like a woman, walk like a woman, and now I have female anatomy. And in almost all the photos of me caught off guard I carry myself like a woman. I am not upset or disgusted or anything of the sort about the whole thing.

I am a writer by trade now and write as a woman. I have tried to dress as a male and write in one of my novels. It doesn't work. I dress as a woman and the story flows like the Yukon River. I have taken the Gender Identity test once a year for 9 years, 8 times it says that I am definately a woman, once it said I am suffering from Gender Dysphoria and should remain a Cross Dresser, and 15 years ago while in a custody battle over my step Daughter I was subjected to a battery of tests. One was self awareness and Gender Identity. The Phsychiatrist stated in no uncertain terms that I have 2 distinct personalities living in one body. They are Symbiotic and therefore cannot be seperated. One re-enforces the other so to speak. My biggest problem to date is that I work at home in a small town in Oregon and have absolutely no medical facilities, friends, or support groups within 100 miles. I have no one to discuss current issues, the nagging doubts, and the insecurity associated with Gender Dysphoria.

I can handle the cramps in the milk glands, the itching in the pit of my abdomen, and the whacky little twinges I get, much like little phantom orgasms. Don't get me wrong, they are wondserful. But they are a little unpredictable at times. Such as having a shell shocker while on line at the bank and the teller syas, "Are you alright you seem to be a brilliant red all over?" Another point is that where a Vagina would normally be I have a hole in the muscle structure. It is large enough to get two fingers in and about 2 1/2 inches deep. The scrotum skin is as normal. It is in the muscle structure. I woukld very much like to have someone to talk too about these issues, Thanks for taking the time to read this and I hope to hear from you soon, Jaquie Lynn

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Welcome to Laura's - we have a great group of people here and most have seen or experienced just about everything you write about and understand your confusion - and your joy - in what you are experiencing. I personally am an older transsexual MTF and in transition - I am semi-retired - but I am also married, (try throwing that in the mix) with married and gone children . I have been writing here for about a month and find it very comforting in making friends who understand.

My reply is one to welcome you - HELLO Jaquie Lynn - rather than talk on any of the issues you have. But I hope to get back to that... I am VERRRRRY Opinionated - and always have SOMETHING to say? Yikes

Oh yes, my main reason for reply - I am 6'2' and was at about 235 pounds. I hesitated to consider transition forever because of my size. But it is do-able - and darn it... I doing it! Down to 204 this morning (YEAAAAAAAAAH) - going for 194 - ten more pounds - I-think-I-can, I-think-I can - rurrrr rurrrr (The Little Engine that Could)

I have to 'do it' - I was way too sad the other way. Sad-sad-sad.

I just started HRT - wow - and my moooooodyness has an excuse now.

But I live in a "gender variance tolerant area" - wow, what does that mean? (New Orleans) and have TG resources here. I have done the therapy - but I don't really prescribe to a lot of what the psychiatric people say (that's just me) and prefer psycholgists (easier on the mind). I am NOT two people, I am one person. My problem is my female mind does not match my male body. Hey - I find myself walking , sitting, talking ... feeling like a woman. It took a while to figure this out - whoa, I am a woman - duhhhh.

Annnnyway - welcome - welcome - welcome

Writer ehhh? Well please excuse my eccentric writing - I write technical stuff - specifications - so I get a little crazzzy without restraints.

[Sally]

Welcome to the playground,

We try to help as much as possible and if we can't supply answers we offer support.

When that isn't enough we offer you a comfy chair, a hot cup of Cocoa (would you like mini marshmellows?), cookies, pies and all sorts of baked goods!

Feel free to ask anything and offer your opinions as well (all within the rules) because the more you chat - the better you feel!

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest brain(katie)]

welcome jaquie to this wonderful site. First off let me tell you thank you for your service and sacrifice for serving in the military.

Its hard to fight that other person you have inside. You just have to be yourself and do what feels natural to you. No one else can do it for you. Some will except you for who you are others wont. There is tons of links here on lauras site so browse around and I am sure it will help you find some resources close by or in that area. Oregan lovely state by the way I live across the River in Wash. So welcome and come join us on Sat and Mondays in the chat. It helps greatly

Katie

[Guest mia 1]

Well Jaquie Blue,welcome to our world. We all walk in your shoes and you walk in ours. You are way ahead of many, your acceptance of who and what you are is greater than mine. Now what you have to do is exhale and feel the power that you have been given and more important recognize. You have done more in your lifet than most, honored our country, been an enterpreneur, now the most difficult t"job' in the world being a novelist. We are proud of you and welcome you to express yourself "early and often"" My Best Mia.

[Guest Jaquie Lynn]

I would like to thank you for the kindness and words of comfort, today I have a long drive with 3 strangers. It does make me feel a bit uncomfortable, but I must say. After all the adversity I have faced in my life this is a walk in the park.

I guess one of my first questions would be? What can you do with a 55 year old face that has 35 years of riding motorcycles, and frost bite 3 times in my 20's, and body to look more passable? I don't look old per say, a guy looks distinguished and a woman looks OLD!

Jaquie Lynn

[Guest Jaquie Lynn]

My name is Jaquie Lynn and I am in a quandry. I have lived my life as a male but never felt quite right about it. I joined the service when I was 20 and did 10 years. I was retired due to injuries sustained while on active duty. I never felt the need or desire to be feminine while in the service. But now I am in my fifties and the testosterone levels have dropped substantially and Gosh darned, this is a real roller coaster ride of emotions and chemistry. One day I wake up and feel like the Hulk and then I will go for days or weeks feeling like a woman. The problem is that I am 6' 2" and tip the scales at a healthy 260. I am not over weight, no more than about 35 to 40 lbs. I was a Diesel Mechanic and Main Propulsion Engineer on ships and owned 5 companies that were very physical. My body adjusted to heavy labor and I got big.

Now that I am semi retired and have no need of this mass of muscle, combined with the fact that I have developed 44D breasts without the help of drugs and the like, I am in a Quandry. I have always maintained a slightly feminine manner about me. On more than one occassion I have had a person that knows me well make the remark. I can't figure you out, Whether your straight, gay, or bi-sexual. I have never had a gay liason in my life. They were referring to my mannerisms. As big as I am I sit like a woman, walk like a woman, and now I have female anatomy. And in almost all the photos of me caught off guard I carry myself like a woman. I am not upset or disgusted or anything of the sort about the whole thing.

I am a writer by trade now and write as a woman. I have tried to dress as a male and write in one of my novels. It doesn't work. I dress as a woman and the story flows like the Yukon River. I have taken the Gender Identity test once a year for 9 years, 8 times it says that I am definately a woman, once it said I am suffering from Gender Dysphoria and should remain a Cross Dresser, and 15 years ago while in a custody battle over my step Daughter I was subjected to a battery of tests. One was self awareness and Gender Identity. The Phsychiatrist stated in no uncertain terms that I have 2 distinct personalities living in one body. They are Symbiotic and therefore cannot be seperated. One re-enforces the other so to speak. My biggest problem to date is that I work at home in a small town in Oregon and have absolutely no medical facilities, friends, or support groups within 100 miles. I have no one to discuss current issues, the nagging doubts, and the insecurity associated with Gender Dysphoria.

I can handle the cramps in the milk glands, the itching in the pit of my abdomen, and the whacky little twinges I get, much like little phantom orgasms. Don't get me wrong, they are wondserful. But they are a little unpredictable at times. Such as having a shell shocker while on line at the bank and the teller syas, "Are you alright you seem to be a brilliant red all over?" Another point is that where a Vagina would normally be I have a hole in the muscle structure. It is large enough to get two fingers in and about 2 1/2 inches deep. The scrotum skin is as normal. It is in the muscle structure. I woukld very much like to have someone to talk too about these issues, Thanks for taking the time to read this and I hope to hear from you soon, Jaquie Lynn

I am bringing this back to the forefront in the hopes I can get a few others to add comments, Thanks, Jaquie Lynn