I realised I was trans when...

[Guest Zeda]

Aside from the fact that I have been this way for as long as I can remember, I think the moment when it really struck me was this:

A few years ago, I was sitting in class when I realised that I have been cross dressing most of my life. My face looked like this for a solid 15 seconds when I realised that:

o_O

At least i know I can pull off the guy look pretty well (I think).

So how about others, when did it really strike you that you were trans (or otherwise)?

[Guest tmannick]

I realized I was trans when I found out what that was. I used to think it was someone who already had surgury. (I didn't know better at the time) but I realized I was supposed to be male much earlier. I didn't like my curves or breasts when they started developing. I would wear boy's shirts larger sizes to try to hide them. Before they developed, I went around the house shirtless like guys did. I felt confortable doing it, even though my mom got mad at me a lot. I got asked if I was a boy or a girl, and my responce was "Mom says I'm a girl" I looked at society differences between male and female, and I thought I didn't fit in the female society. I fit more in the male. Then I started peeing standing up (even though it was in the shower) I loved food more than even my brother (we are both pigs.) I asked my mom if i had a sex change as a baby, or if I was both a boy and a girl, and they cut off the wrong thing, but they said I was born female. I didn't believe them.

[gennee]

A few days after I came out as a cross dresser, I googled the meaning of transgender. I say to myself 'hey, that's me!'. My feelings ran deeper than clothes.

[Guest Zeda]

@Megan: Those seconds were pretty cool. I started to feel that burden shed off

@tmannick: You remind me of a person I know >.> (but I know nobody from Missouri)

@gennee: Haha, that's a good quote !

[Guest Julie_Mason]

There have been many moments in my life that have further solidified to me the fact that I am transgender, however I cannot remember the exact event or time when I thought, "Wow, this is why Im the way I am" (though I do know that it was around the age of 18 and after I found, through the magic of the internet, information on Gender Identity Disorder)

I can, on the other hand, describe the moment when I first realized that transition was the right choice for me.

Growing up, I could never really imagine myself as middle-aged, much-less elderly. I used to try and conjure up images of myself in a successful career, or with a family, but always to no avail. I just couldnt conceive the idea of myself ever even reaching that era. For a while I just assumed it was because I would not ever make it that far. That somehow, in a way unbeknownst to me at the time, I would meet my demise early in life.

That is, until one day around the age of 19, I became conscious of the fact that up to that point, I invariably tried to imagine myself as a grown Man. At that point I tried to imagine myself as a grown Woman instead, and low and behold, in rushed the stream of dreams, aspirations, and images of happy fulfillment that were so foreign to me before. I could see myself in college, having a career, even having a loving family of my very own eventually. This was a real eye-opener for me, and the singular event that made me so resolute to find the resources necessary to accomplish this feat and attain true happiness in life.

[Guest Robin Winter]

Well, like most people, I have had tendencies toward my "target gender" (that's the phrase favored by the Canadian military, and it makes me laugh) for pretty much my whole life. But until about 6 years ago, I didn't really think about it, or come to terms with it, or even have an idea of what "it" was. I was as shocked as my wife the day that I really realized what was going on, though I think she still doesn't accept that. At the time we were having a conversation about my interest in wearing womens clothing (underwear mostly) and I believe that she felt it was a fetish more than anything, and I suppose at the time I did too. She asked me how far I felt I wanted to go with exploring my feminine side. Without even thinking about it I immediately said "If I had my way I would be a woman"...and that was the moment my life fell apart. I'm still trying to pick up the pieces. I honestly was as shocked as she was, I did not consciously know that was going to be my response, but as soon as I said it, I knew it was true. There were signs of it from my earliest memories, I used to cry that I couldn't wear a nightgown like my sister (for which I was beaten). I grew up in a very religious atmosphere and was taught that pretty much everything about me was an abomination, so it's no surprise that I suppressed so many of my feelings for so long.

Anyway, that's how it happened for me.

[Guest Jo-88]

It finally hit me when I realized that almost every time I met a girl I got jealous... yea when that hit me I was like crap, I better do something about this.

[Guest Zeda]

It finally hit me when I realized that almost every time I met a girl I got jealous... yea when that hit me I was like crap, I better do something about this.

Haha, I know that feeling XD

[Guest Deenah]

I grew up with 3 sister.We played together all the time,went places together,and even slept together.When i was very young(4-6) I felt like this was very natural and started wearing there clothes.Sometimes we would all play dress up till mom and dad though it was way to strange.At that point i new that i was different but had no idea what it was till much later when i finally found out that there was a condition for what way going on. I got out of control because it just seemed terrible that i HAD to live this way. Went to school and would use the girls bathroom but of course after a wile they were like that just cant happen,your a boy.I argued and finally got suspended.Went i went back i went rite back to using the girls bathroom.They expelled me from school and we moved. Back then there was not the resources like there is today.If so,they would have figured it all out. I guess if i had to put a date on when i actually new,i would say between 5-10 but because of the extreme pressure of middle and high school,i was forced to "forget about it" as my guidance councilor and parents would say.

[Guest Alex_Di]

I've said it before somewhere, but the pieces just fit too well.

There is no other explanation. Plus I've never been happier

nor more at peace in my entire life.

[Guest danabanana]

I used to play with my sisters dress up jewelry and clothes in the play room. I didn't think there was anything unnatural as a little kid, probably preschool age. I remember the velvety dress that was too big and I couldn't wait to grow into it, but I guess my mom thought it was weird and one day it disappeared. I was so sad and i looked everywhere for it but never found it. I also remember my mom catching me squeezing one of my testicles in the bathtub because I want ton pop them and make them go away. I was at an age at that point that she was still giving me a bath. I damaged the left one and I sometimes wonder if that's why I never fully developed facial hair. Very thin. In high school I'd play hooky and when my parents went to work I'd go raid my sister's closet and makeup. One day my mom came home from work at lunch and I had to hide outside in the bushes until she left! Anyway I never did anything about it in my 20's and 30's because I was too embarrassed to be who I am. That's just how it goes and I have accepted myself for who I am and am now trying to organize my life to begin my transition. My finger is on the button! Hope to set my first appointment with a therapist in within the next few weeks!

[Guest Alex_Di]

...

Hmm, seeing some quite dramatic developmental escapades compared to my

very mild ones makes me feel a bit out of place. I've said already that I didn't

CD extensively. I didn't play with girl toys, with girls (or with boys for that matter).

My childhood was evenly shared between me playing my video games and spending

time with my brother watching, say, TMNT (even though the original My Little Pony did slip

by occasionally and no, I'm not a brony).

But then again, the lack of both sex drive and happiness during all of my life,

including my teenage years. Inability to become intimate with somebody despite

being bi. Constant unsatisfactoriness with own body regardless of being at peak physical condition

during my early youth. Emotional withdrawal. Subconscious desire to be a genuine woman that was

always brought down by "a futility of my position" (i.e. sex change perceived as impossible).

Rejection of everything macho-like and man-like, as competition and alpha-dominance together

with an unwillingness to be dominated. At one point a rejection of everything feminine-like, thus

a complete separation from the human species, I guess due to self-deception of thinking of myself

as "asexual" and "asocial" (I socialize very easily actually).

I'm wondering if the first part makes me any less transgender, but then again, I never cared for

peer-pressure. To me being trans is not a function of society and its role distributions. It's a question

of self-determination and how I feel inside my current body.

[Guest DanD]

i wrote a story about myself once, in the third person which was kind of different.

I dont know if this is what you mean exactly...

but this was the first time i recall thinking on the subject:

The Gender Thing.

When Dan was I think 2 actually, shortly before he turned 3... He pondered the mystery of why people seemed to think he was a girl. He figured they must think that he was a girl, because well, parts of his body appeared to be like a girl’s, but that didn’t make any sense. What happened to him, that his body appeared to be like a girl’s, when of course he is not a girl!

He thought of how some people are in wheelchairs and they can’t walk, and some people can’t see. He knew he had a little scar… Something must have happened to him! But what? Did they want me to be a girl so they did something bad to me to make me look like one? Was I born wrong? Some people were born without a leg or an arm.

He sat there, and thought about this for some time, and he just didn’t know what happened, but he knew no one would tell him if they had, so no point in asking. (As if he could) If he was just born wrong, then they wouldn’t understand either. No point in talking to anyone about it. You can’t trust adults. “Do they know I’m a boy?” He wondered, and he wasn’t sure. He figured he might have been born malformed so they think he is a girl, but he isn’t.

Such deep thoughts for a small child.

[Guest Jaymee]

I realised I was gnederfluid when I wore my girlfriend's bra and put toilet paper in it, and thought "that IS me". I realised I was transgender when I realised I couldn't remember the last time I was "boy me".

[Guest ~Emmie~]

I used to imagine when I was young about "transforming" into things before I fell asleep- animals, even a tree once, and, sometimes, the other gender. It became so stressful, I freaked out one night and had to have my parents come in and help me get back to sleep before I "knew" who I was.

Since then, I've imagined myself turning into a girl frequently, both in periods of calm, and in periods of intense stress in my life (college, breaking up with a girl, job transition, dealing with OCD). My best friend, who I recently came out to, suggested it was really just me trying to escape into a different form- which makes sense. Then I remembered how, when I got drunk in college, it wasn't about "hooking up"- it might've been at first, when every other student was trying to accomplish getting laid on the weekends- but it meant that my visions of imaginging myself as female even more vivid. I got back into writing, which helped me picture myself with even more clarity.

Then, the other day at work (I work part-time at a clothing store with a bunch of other females) I had a coworker come up to me, and hand me a shirt. "There you go, girl." she said- and without thinking, I replied, "thanks, girl!"

I can't express how satisfied (and terrified) it made me feel to hear that. Still exploring if I'm truely transgendered- OCD makes me doubt a LOT in my life- but, I'm one step closer to figuring myself out.

[Guest -Tori-]

I guess I've always been aware of it- even if I didn't particularly know what 'it' was exactly. I had my suspicions for a while, however like many people, I thought that if I ignored it, it would simply go away.

One memory that stands out for me is a day I was going to meet my sister after she finished work. That day, I was rifling through my wardrobe and found a coat that I used to adore, bright red, and very feminine. I thought that it would make a change to wear my more 'feminine' clothes for a change, instead of ignoring them like I usually am accustomed to.

So anyway, a short while later I was dressed up, and I approached the mirror, but what I didn't see was the girl I was expecting. I didn't feel comfortable in that outfit at all, and thought that I looked rather ridiculous. A few years ago, I would have been so comfortable wearing that same attire, however that day it made me realize how much had changed over time. It was then that my suspicions were very much confirmed- it wasn't just a passing faze that I could ignore. It was then that I realized who I was, and that I wasn't going to run away from it anymore.

I still have that coat, however I will not be wearing it again anytime soon!

That day I quickly changed and left presenting as male- just as I always have done, only this time, I was aware of it.

[Guest Luuceee]

For me it was as far back as i can remember, i remember wrapping myself in my bedsheets pretending to be wearing a dress. I didnt know that there were boys and girls, to me i saw myself as i was the same as my mum so dresses were a natural thing for me to want. I still cant believe they never asked me about it or i myself saying i wanted a dress. I also recall my sister at a young age who thought she was a boy and insisted she was, i could never understand why she wanted to. She grew out of it or is in the closet the same as me. It would be cool if she was lol, we could journey together.

[Guest JeepGirl90]

I orginally thought my realization started at about age 14, right about puberty happened.. I was waiting for certain "things" to develop but they never did. However now I look back and revisit my life as I start to transition I am now realizing it goes back way further. Certain memories have started to come back, like being about 8 and being bullied getting called "Girly," Never really having many friends as I just kept to myself as I would be bullied if I hung out with the girls, and I really didn't relate to the boys... so yeah it goes way back for me.

[Guest (Lightsider)]

I always new I was female as far back as I can remember and it was very confusing to me why I was being forced to act like a boy. It was not until I was older that I figured the whole thing out.

[Guest Dorothy Lynne]

I remember when I was in elementary school, we were being made up with makeup for a school play and the woman working on my eyelashes with mascara and eyeliner called another woman over to look at "this girl's eyelashes!!" Then she realized I was a boy...'er, his lashes'. I felt admired for my 'girly' lashes and LOVED it.

[Guest danabanana]

I remember when I was in elementary school, we were being made up with makeup for a school play and the woman working on my eyelashes with mascara and eyeliner called another woman over to look at "this girl's eyelashes!!" Then she realized I was a boy...'er, his lashes'. I felt admired for my 'girly' lashes and LOVED it.

Lol! You should find her and give her a big hug because she was right! My friend was helping me with my makeup on Halloween and she told me that I didn't need false lashes because I had such nice natural lashes and I could have hugged her, but I really wanted to do gals lashes and that kind of screwed that up but still! I was torn at the time but she layered on the mascara and I think she kind of had a point.... Darn it! I wish I would have just gotten those lashes, but she did do good.... I kind of want to hug her and pull her hair at the same time:/

[Cyndee]

So how about others, when did it really strike you that you were trans (or otherwise)?

Interesting to read this, my thoughts below...

I cross dressed on and off for long time until reached this point in summer of 2010, where I realized that I had been doing this almost all of my life (oh no) why ? The rest is history, and I began this long slow climb toward gender congruity.

Cynthia -

[Guest sarahgrant]

I was aged about 8. I remember when my brother and I went to pick something at the local hardware store for dad. It was very heavy and the store owner told my brother to "help your sister". Instead of being embarrassed, I walked around for the rest of the day with a grin on my face. It felt so good and I knew I was really a girl.

[Guest Jaques]

WHEN..............a lesbian woman i was dating said she wouldnt mind whether i was butch or femme - i said that it mattered to me - i couldnt relate sexually to a woman as another woman & when having sex, could never let them touch me top or bottom and was frustrated because though impossible, i wanted to impregnate them......then it was CRYSTAL clear

[Guest sophia.gentry58]

I'm not sure when it first hit me since I spent the better part of my years on this planet lying to myself that I was absolutely straight; just an occasional desire to wear panties, and the occasional desiring to be a woman, and the occasional fantasies of being a woman being made love to by a man, etc, etc, etc. Of course I'm being facetious about all those times of those events in my life being occasional. If I had a nickel for literally thousands of hours I have spent, dreaming, wishing, desiring, and fantasizing about being a female I would definitively be a 1 percenter!! Anywhooo, I guess when it really hit me was the first time I dared to go out on town the one night fully dressed in my female persona. It was like a bolt of lightening, I said to myself when it hit home for me "Wow! this really feels soooo me, soooo comfortable, like it was second nature.

Sophia