Sharing therapy goals with spouse

[Guest frida314]

How do I share with my spouse that I am searching for my identity and have yet to actually dress the way that I wish. Or, to say, how have others handled their initial awareness that gender is different from the genetic? Therapy appointments are obvious, clothing stash will beobvious, yet it seems that many had found a way to cross dress with a spouse unaware, ( which sounds unbelievable). No matter what age group I have met here, the feelings, identity, intimacy issues have such a common history. The rigidity of a lifetime of don't ask don't tell conflicts with having to be true to myself. How do I start to cross dress? I never had a thought that as Frida woke up, how it's not a head game, it's a get out in the world life.

[Charlize]

Frieda i spent so much time hiding from myself and my wife. If you can start out being honest that would be great. I couldn't. I lied and dressed, hiding and being so afraid of being found out. The pain and damage it caused me was intense. It seems you have yet to find a way of putting yourself into that hole. Try to be honest from the start if you feel you must but perhaps you might want to suggest therapy to start as a way to confirm your path and better understand yourself.

If you want some lessons on how to lie i was an expert but would hate to pass on my knowledge there.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest DianeATL]

I agree with Charlie - I could give you some great tips on how to do it, but the best one is don't. Share your thoughts and feelings before you head down that path. Coming out later is much more painful and an even worse outcome is being discovered, and you probably will be.

I know it is not what you wanted to hear, but maybe what you needed to hear.

Hugs

Diane

[VickySGV]

First item -- Does your spouse know you are seeing a therapist of any kind?? If the answer is YES, then you are at a clearer starting point. If she does not know, then the obvious first step is to let her know that you have begun therapy to work on personal stress, and let your spouse know it will be ongoing. Let her know there will be a time you will want to lovingly discuss the nature of the stress, possibly with your therapist with the two of you. Establish the best communication system with her that you can in all honesty. "For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday" is more than a poetic quote, you are living into a future that you currently hope will involve her, but to reach it both of you will have to move into it and not just let it smack you in the face.

[Guest frida314]

Therapy is kind of out in the open. She is aware I'm seeing a counselor (Psych) simply about my "issues". To be more open will come when community services come to pick up clothing donations. I can see it now. Oh Hon, here's 2 tops, not my size, there're give aways too. Hugs, Frida

[VickySGV]

To be more open will come when community services come to pick up clothing donations. I can see it now. Oh Hon, here's 2 tops, not my size, there're give aways too.

Before that has a chance to happen, talk about it with your therapist as a real possibility! That scenario makes me want to cry in pain and hit walls in anger. That will become a moment when either of the two of you will be in terrible pain. If you hide it will be you. If you tell the truth in that circumstance you will be protective of your own self, and it will be her in the pain. I hope you can find a way to not get there.

[Guest DianeATL]

To be more open will come when community services come to pick up clothing donations. I can see it now. Oh Hon, here's 2 tops, not my size, there're give aways too.

Before that has a chance to happen, talk about it with your therapist as a real possibility! That scenario makes me want to cry in pain and hit walls in anger. That will become a moment when either of the two of you will be in terrible pain. If you hide it will be you. If you tell the truth in that circumstance you will be protective of your own self, and it will be her in the pain. I hope you can find a way to not get there.

LIsten to VIcky and the others, you will thank them later. Don't brush off this advice, it will bite you later if you do.

Diane

[Guest frida314]

OMG! I m so forgetting that my stress tries to make light of things. Meeting with GT soon. Girls, thanks

[Guest frida314]

I am again thankful that I can choose to go slow.

My wife and I talked about gender as well as we could. She has very rigidly said she wants no involvement, to see no visibility of any transition in the home or I could move out. I said I've been here with her for 27 y, no matter what We will still get to appointments, shopping, entertainment and family. No way I could expect to share a 4 minute YouTube vid on gender, let alone a movie like "Normal". That was 2 nights ago. We care for each other while accepting it's always been a marriage of friendship, companionship. Today, we have worked better, the air is clearer. Nothing settled, but out in the open.

For me, I am unsure what's changing. I just feel more complete daily wearing something, albeit hidden. I have some much more fun just chatting with the sales and counter women. The gal at the pharmacy that I was real odds with in the past, today we bantered and hassled about a flu shot. She was happy and that pleased me. I'm jealous of wife's e-order of some shirts. Even at a very slow pace, I think the advice of no secrecy is good and I should try to honor. Yet, I'm hand washing things late nightly. At my stage, I cannot follow the advice of jumping into the abyss and chase my dreams. At least she won't still be trying to fix me with ""the guys"". Not placing any value or weight on an opinion, my GT thinks this is a long shot of gender, faith and world views. Reality or delusion, mentally healthy or not, Frida fits as the right puzzle piece as more memories flicker back.

[Cyndee]

Good Morning Frida, just wanted to chime in your thread here. That's great you have discussed these topics with your wife, even if she does'nt get it, you've been forthcoming sounds like. Yes you can find relief and outlets for Frida, it may not involve your home life, but there are ways. Just want to wish you the best girl.

Hugs

Cynthia -

[Guest frida314]

One day at a time. I'm counting my positives but feel shaken at loss.

[Guest Katherine.H]

I dressed for several years without my spouse knowing and had a very large wardrobe. It can be done. I will tell you that when my wife finally knew about it, she was not at all supportive (my parents and sisters were). I discontinued my hormone treatment a couple years ago, but not because of anything having to do with my wife, it had to do with my career at the time. Now I'm preparing to start back up again and I know my wife is not going to be pleased with this at all. There are things she simply won't know about for awhile until I get my life back in order as I prepare to transition. I'm back to purchasing my wardrobe and finding the time to be me. See a therapist, this is important. A therapist will help you with your identity. Even if you cannot transition at this time, see a therapist and prepare for when you can. Sometimes we are in situations where we simply cannot transition when we choose to. I suspect by your original post that you will eventually be in a position to change your life to where you can transition. I wish you the best in your endeavor to be yourself.

[Guest frida314]

I think Katherine, that we both don't know how to describe our feelings and plans. As I learn more, I see such a jumble of joys, heartaches and gender paths to be aware. I have questions about having "a secret wordrobe" though. I don't see how we, as a couple, can live isolated. Well, actually, I'll take that back. We do have private thoughts, values, ideals, but put them aside as adjustments to being married. Have you known couples, as I call them, "joined at the hip"? The dominant needs company 24/7. I know that I will be more out, It just is something I know. Just working it out, agonizing slow, though therapy and support. Wishing you the best also, always nice to know there's company.

[Guest Rebecca A]

Frida, have you considered couples counseling? I know some people consider that word 'evil' or that it means there are relationship 'issues' that are large, but a lot of times it gives a safe space to open up, and also offers a 'mediator' that may be able to help explain some things to your partner that she might not otherwise understand if she was to hear it from you.