A few thoughts, insights, introspection etc...

[Guest KellyB]

Hey everyone, hope all is well your worlds.

I've recently been doing a lot of thinking and exploring and rearranging of my own psychology and mentalities and have come across a few things I would really like to expand on, get some feedback on etc...

Gender roles/expectations in society from birth:

I'm sure most if not all of us have in some way shape or form dealt with what is expected of us and our personality based upon our outward characteristics, and more often than not this conflicts with how we feel internally. For me an instance like this would be that I am outwardly, a very rugged, masculine person. Military life, paramilitary upbringing, fast cars, chauvinistic males were the role models and idols, and growing up these were people to emulate. I would be chastised for showing compassion or expressing emotion openly. As a result I suppressed it all for over 20 years, Emotion would just get crammed down into a little box. Feelings weren't something I was allowed to have... So how do we break ourselves of a lifetime of Gender role expectations and self oppression... I don't have any easy answers on that one, but I've come to a few conclusions... According to the unspoken rules of our civilized society I am different. I've heard many epithets uttered towards those like me and I won't dare repeat them or continue the cycle of hate... Yes, I am different, but guess what, everyone is different, The way I feel and choose to express myself is my choice. I've slowly started learning that the best thing we can do for ourselves, is love ourselves, and be happy that we are who we are. Rejoice in the fact that you have seen another day dawn and that you are you. Don't continue the cycle of hate in your own mind, don't call yourself bad names or think you are somehow an outcast of society. because truth be told, you are a great contributor to society. Everyone brings something to the table of the world. Even if its just the fact that you are a great listener or you have certain experiences that can give insight and support to someone else... I've come to an almost transcendental ideology that in the grand scheme of things, the issues of gender roles and expectations are simply moot points... Because what matters is not what you look like, not what other people perceive you as. but whether you can love yourself, and whether you can live your life with a sense of pride and dignity... One of the things my parents did do correctly was instill in myself a deep sense of honesty, integrity, personal responsibility... None of these things have a gender role or an expectation... Do things and live your life in a manner that allows you at the end of the day to look at yourself in the mirror and say "I did the right things, I loved myself, I loved my friends, I loved the world... And I'm a good person."

To close on that Idea, I think its best to say, celebrate who you are. Love yourself, be respectful of others, and be a good person... Being a good person being the most important. At the end of the day, It doesn't matter what clothes you wear, what your name is, or what your gender is... At the end of the day, it's did I do the right thing? So do what you feel is right. Be respectful of others, proud of yourself and strive to make today better than yesterday, and tomorrow better than today...

Topic 2: dressing and expressing my feminine side in my relationship

It's no secret around my house with my wife and I who wears the pants in our relationship... I can proudly say more often than not, it's not me lol... I've seen a lot of posts speaking on the topics of relationships and how to improve... My wife and I do not have a perfect relationship, but it is rock solid, and one of the reasons I am able to finally be happy, and express who I am openly and unapologetically... she has been my rock, my confidant, my silent and vocal supporter, and I like to think I have been the same for her... Our relationship story is stranger than online dating... Basically, my sister and her go to school online together, became fast friends, and my sister introduced us. I'm originally from the east coast, she is from the near Canadian province of Michigan lol... Long story short, we started talking, and that's all it was, talking, no lies, nothing to gain or lose on either end... Our relationship started on the foundation of trust and honesty... and being able to talk about anything under the sun... and we talk a lot, and we love it... I'm not a relationship expert, and a long string of other folks will gladly agree with me on that topic lol... But you got to dig deep to find diamonds right? any ways... I feel like what makes that relationship great is our openness and our honesty to ourselves and to each other. If there is no deception, if there is nothing but honesty and love and no doubt in your mind, you can have that relationship... When I first came to my wife and started talking about all of my internal feelings, psychology etc I imagine it was a shock for her... but she recognized that this was me talking with an open heart... and me being honest with myself and with her... It wasn't an affront, or an assault, it simply was... she accepted it, took my hand, and together we have gone down this path... and it has been a revolution in our relationship, in my happiness as well as hers... For my dressing, she was apprehensive at first, and quite understandably so... its got to be weird to see a big burly guy that she has always known in jeans and boots and flannel to suddenly be rocking out in a skirt and a blouse... But I felt comfortable, and at ease and at peace... and my confidence and acceptance of myself gave her the ability to be at peace with it as well... I do not desire to transition or go out into public looking feminine... I express my feminine side in public through subtle means and through love and compassion... It's my own thing... I don't have any answers if you have a SO that is adamantly against dressing, other than to talk with them about it, be open, and go in depth with talking about it... It may be difficult and painful and scary, but having an open and honest relationship no matter the outcome or the agreement is by far better than having to restrain yourself or repress yourself and have building feelings of neglect, frustration, anger etc... I think mutual respect is also a major factor... In a relationship its a partnership... two individuals working together and choosing to be together in life, not a single entity with one mind and one consciousness, you both bring different things to the table and different experiences, celebrate them, express them and enjoy being the individuals that you are, while still coming together to accept and love each other for the similarities and the differences... It can work, It can be amazing, but each of you has to respect each other and yourselves, each of you has to love each other and yourselves, and you must be unapologetically honest and open with one another... and for the love of all that is good, communicate with each other, don't let feelings of resentment fester and linger. resentment is a breeding ground for doubt, and I feel that doubt is a destroyer of relationships...

Anyways... Sorry for the long post, just a couple of things I've been thinking about.. Thank you all so much for this forum and for being awesome amazing good people, you all rock... Have a great day, much love,

Kelly

[gennee]

A great post, Kelly. When I told my wife about my feelings she was shocked when I told her that I like wearing women's clothing. I poured out my heart to her. It took time and patience before she finally accepted me as transgender. She encouraged her to ask questions, which she did on several occasions. I never forced this on her or made her accept this. In time she saw that I was the same person inside.

We do many things together. We love shopping for clothes, eating out, going places. She notices that I have many mannerisms of a woman. She pointed that out when I cross my legs. She's helped me out with some other things. How to carry my purse, how to place the pleats of my skirt in the right place, and putting on eye shadow. The thing she sees is that I'm a happier person. I'm most thankfully that she stayed with me and I believe we are better for it.

[Carolyn Marie]

Yours are words to live by, Kelly. There is a great deal of truth in them. We do need to spend more energy looking after ourselves, and making us better people, than worrying about how to change others. People can be likeable or unlikeable, and it has very little to do with what we look like or how we dress.

Happiness is not a given. It takes effort, a willingness to compromise, and an open heart. Even then, there are no guarantees. A smile is a good place to start.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie