the girl I was

[Guest kittykat012]

I'm not like most trans people who knew since early childhood that they were in the wrong body. I was a girl for 18 years. Now that girl I was seems to have disappeared almost completely leaving me having felt like an FTM for weeks. This can't be how being trans is supposed to work....maybe I'm just crazy....

[Guest Kenna Dixon]

Color outside the lines. It's okay here.

In our box, there are countless crayons - some of which have no labels.

[JenniferB]

Hi kittykat and welcome to Laura's Playground.

I hadn't given much thought that I was in the wrong gender until I was 50. It did come up before when I was surfing the internet and I read about GRS and I really desired that badly. That should have given me a clue. Always there was something wrong though where I didn't seem to fit into my role in society though. So I don't believe you are crazy.

At age 50 the thought struck me again and I started searching around the internet again. I remember coming to Laura's and reading all kinds of threads. The information stored here is golden. Then it finally sunk in. The thought that I was in the wrong gender seared into me, and I couldn't stop thinking about it. Every waking moment it was near the surface of my thoughts. I went to see a gender therapist to figure this out, and she agreed that I had gender dysphoria. She said I was one of the most comfortable cases she had that indeed I was transsexual. And it didn't even enter my head for almost all my life. But once the door was opened there was no putting the Jeannie back in the bottle. Like a salmon swimming upstream to find the spawning pool or die trying, I had to transition. There was nothing going to hold me back. I did transition and now that feeling of living in the wrong body has mostly left me. Although I doubt it will ever go away completely, I have found a degree of serenity in my gender and live as a woman full time for over two years now.

I would strongly recommend finding a gender therapist and exploring your gender identity and see where you belong in the gender spectrum. You also might want to read in the forum and to ask questions. There is a lot of knowledge here and it will help you find some of the answers you are looking for. Finally you might think of starting to take baby steps and go out dressing and acting like a boy. It may start with wearing male clothes, learning how to use a binder, finding a trans men group in your area, etc... I'm sure the trans men here will be able to give you other ideas and support. There are many caring trans men here.

May you find the answers you seek.

[[[Hugs]]]

Jennifer

[Carolyn Marie]

Kitty, I won't lie to you; its true that most who consider themselves transsexual came to some realization about that at a young age, even if we didn't know the terminology at the time. However, and this is important, coming to the realization at 18 is not unheard of, and doesn't mean that you are not transsexual.

But none of us can make that determination, not even a G.T. can. Only you can know for sure. A G.T. can help you figure it out, and I agree with Jennifer's suggestion that you see one if you can. Reading forum threads and asking questions are also great suggestions.

Being TG doesn't come with a set of rules, hon. You are who you are, and putting a label on it isn't necessary, and no one here is a TG "cop" who will read you the riot act if you aren't just like everyone else.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest kittykat012]

I'm probably just looking for an excuse to be in denial....I'd rather be crazy then trans.....

[tracy_j]

You need to be yourself and learn where you fit into the world! Being crazy is good for an instant, eccentric may work but learning who you are, how you fit and relaxing in society will give you happiness!

Don't worry Kitty - just read, communicate and learn

Tracy x