GRS Diary

[Guest VickiD]

I had my new birthday thanks to Dr Bowers on Dec 10. I have kept a daily diary from my flight from Atlanta thru just a couple days ago. I thought I would post here. It has been a very special trip for me I hope you all enjoy coming along with me.

Vicki

Day 1, the flight to San Fran.
I didn’t finish packing until about 1230am this morning then got up with the alarm at 400am. Took a shower, washing hair, eye makeup, some coffee to get me moving and on the road at 600am to the airport for my 850am flight to SF. Get 2 miles down the road and go back home because my phone is still on the bed where I left it. Get to the airport at 700am. Get the bags checked and head to security. This was first time thru TSA since my dad passed in ‘05, and first time as me. So after I got felt up by TSA, it was off to the gate. I made the mistake of wearing a top with little metal sparkles on it plus wearing an underwire bra didn’t help I guess. Well the boobs were the only place they felt up.

Off to my gate and wait for an hour to board. Free WiFi in the airport. I like window seats on planes so since this Southwest the seats are not assigned, I checked in online yesterday and was 58 in line. I knew from a window I don’t like to get up to use the restrooms on the plane so I went at the airport. The ladies room had a line about 25 ladies long. When I got back to the gate they announced no food on the plane which I expected, and it was about 15 mins before boarding so I got a sandwich from Jersey Mike’s to serve as breakfast & lunch. Got my window seat behind the wing, and since the flight was not full, the seat next to me stayed empty. A 20 something Asian boy got in the aisle seat, and he slept all the way to SFO. WiFi on the plane which I got on my phone only to find out that I could not tether to iPad in Airplane mode. L
My flight was uneventful. Kept caught up on FB and was able to read a couple chapters of True Selves.
Weather here in Newark, CA is beautiful, slightly overcast and about 65°.
Expecting at least one visitor tomorrow, and my sister flies in Monday.

I knew that just getting on the plane and arriving in the place where dreams come true and knowing that mine will in just a few short days was going to be emotional. Waiting so long for this dream. There have been many happy tears the last many weeks, but I did manage to hold them in, mostly, on the flight out. I expect these next 2 weeks especially to be quite emotional, but I also expect they will outclass the pain by quite a bit.
I will try not to be too maudlin with my continued posts.

Day 2, just chillin’

I awakened to a text message from one of my --Censored--™ biker sisters that I had been proudly awarded pregnant dog™ & Wench™ numbers. These are women only groups similar to the --Censored--. So in addition to being --Censored-- #73, I am now Wench #27 & pregnant dog #32. Spent some time communicating with my new family of sisters, most of whom I know well from elsewhere, but now know even better. I am proud and humbled to be counted and accepted among these strong women.

One of our big sisters here in the bay area is SierraMarie Ernesto. She comes to help the girls getting GRS who may not have much family with them. With the PMs and posts we have shared on FB we have become close this last month, and today she took the drive down to spend a couple hrs. with me, while Becky & Terry kept their civil war over the 49er’s/Raiders in check at a local watering hole. Sierra & I had a great conversation, well I did most of the talking, but it was great to finally meet her. She will be in my corner Wed in the hospital.

After the Raiders beat up on the Niners, they along with their daughter Brianna and her boyfriend brought back various oriental cuisine and we had a potluck of sorts while watching the new TNT show The Librarians. I find Christian Kane to be hot myself. What do the other ladies following this think of him?
So tomorrow is bloodwork at the hospital, pre-op visit with Dr Bowers who I can’t wait to meet, and then pick up my sister who is flying in to San Jose. And if there is time, I may try to see if any of Dr Bowers recent patients are still in the hospital and visit with them.

Day 3, Meeting Dr Bowers

Up this morning at 5:00am. I have not been sleeping in even though I’d love to. I really think it is the excitement as I’ve been getting up early the last week or so.

I dressed up a little for this. Maxi skirt and flowy top. It was to be my first meeting with the lady who would change my life, and I wanted to be dressed well for the occasion. The next time she sees me I will be in a hospital gown with no makeup!!! Still only some eye makeup and lipstick though. I went to the hospital first for them to take some blood. While I liked the lab and the way I was treated, the tech missed the vein the first time and that was a bit painful.

It was then off to meet “THE LADY”! The woman who would change my future. After I put my pin in the map, the receptionist, who also happened to be the one to take my blood pressure which was 115/67, and I started talking. I joked with her a bit. She liked the fact that I’ve been telling George for weeks about his coming rebirth as Georgina.

So the miracle worker arrived about 5 mins later in the form of Dr. Marci Bowers. As I started to reach out to shake hands, she put out both arms to hug me. That one gesture made me feel so comfortable and she was so warm & loving. We talked for about 20 mins going over my history and especially my Trans history. We went over the procedure and what to expect after.

It was then time for the exam. I had been in the stirrups before for cystoscopy due to kidney stones, but this was the first time as a woman. And I guess there was a psychological component because this was totally different. I felt very vulnerable, but I totally trusted who and what was being done. She said I had plenty to work with and that she expects a beautiful result. She stated that she would see me Wed morning, and that I’m on my way to a new life.

As she left she hugged me again, and I found myself holding back some happy tears which she apparently sensed as she told me I would be fine. She is the most caring, loving and concerned doctor I have ever met.
So it was then off to the San Jose airport to pick up my sister flying up from LA area. Her plane was early. We haven’t see each other since ’05 for dad’s funeral, so this is good. She is going to stay in the hospital with me until Friday.

It was then back to Becky’s for the afternoon and catching up with sis and my last supper of solid food until Thursday.

I really love Dr Bowers and I don’t think I could be in better hands. It’s why she is one of the very best in the business.

Day 4, Clear & Clean

Slept in till 600am this morning. Took the last of my daily meds, won’t be taking them again till Thursday. Since coffee with sugar but no cream is on my clear diet, I’ve been hitting it hard this morning. I don’t do cream anyway so not an issue.
Took the first 2 pills at 900am which are actually just Ducolax which had I known I could have brought my own from home. It’s now doing the prep. Every 10 mins 8 oz. of some of the vilest tasting liquid ever devised by the medical profession. Thankfully, my hosts had the seatbelt installed on the toilet, had 3 extra rolls of TP placed in the bathroom, and had a bidet attachment on the seat. As to the bidet attachment, in the words of Will Smith from ‘Independence Day’, “I gotta get me one of these!”

About 400pm now and mostly everything is coming out clear. My butt is really sore.

So tonight, the easy part of the prep to be completed. I get to shower and deforest the legs and area 51 needs to be shaved. Hope I manage to get it all and not have to re-shave at the hospital in the morning.

Now on ginger ale, the champagne of the clear liquid diet.

Going to try to relax the rest of the night. Tomorrow will be a short entry if there is one at all, but never fear, there will be one Thursday as I get into to my new normal!

Day 5, The butterfly emerges

7:30 am I didn’t sleep well at all last night. Went to bed about 11pm, tossed & turned until about 130am. Woke up again about 400, tossed & turned for about 30 mins back a sleep for about an hr. and woke up about 545 even though the alarm was set for 600. Must be something exciting keeping me up last night.

Shave, shower and shave some parts that will be the focus of some work today in area 51. Hope I got them all.

Caffeine & estrogen deprived this morning, hope I can remain my sweet calm self for the next 4 hrs. I hope to finish this tonight after the cocoon is discarded, but will post at least this much later.

Day 6, Cocoon is gone

I was kind of out of it last night so did not finish yesterday’s entry. Please forgive my blatant laziness!

So yesterday the cocoon was removed. Surgery started at 1230 vs 1130 schedule. The last thing I remember was asking if I could take my testes home in a jar. I had someplace I wanted to send them. <evil grin> But they would not let me keep them. Woke up in recovery about 445, and got to my room #4432 about 715. Was in a lot of pain but the dilaudid did a wonderful job of controlling. I was able to sleep with few interruptions till about 430 this morning.

Been on oral pain meds this morning Percocet 10s and Toradol IV, and pain is holding at about 2-3 on 10 scale. Ice packs help too. Had some phantom pain/itching in a part that is no longer there. It’s probably not the last time for that.

So a couple days ago I posted a couple links to YouTube videos.

My spring has arrived

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCt7RvEkK8s

My cocoon is discarded

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gt-5lS9hJFA

Thank you all for your thoughts, wishes & prayers. I feel them all and the love!

Day 7, the unveiling

Sorry for my tardiness on this one. I’m actually writing this on day eight, but will detail day seven.

The day started early. 430am a Percocet to make sure I was not in much pain for the 500am procedure. The nursing staff here is literally one the best I have ever had the pleasure to be treated by. Every one of the nurses and assistants has an attitude that we girls and patients of Dr B are to be treated like we are their own sister. And truth be known, we are their sisters in the broader scheme of life.

This was the day I was finally able to get out of bed and walk, and I wasted no time in so doing. A full lap around the floor after breakfast. This was followed by 3 more walks thru the day each one longer than the previous one. On my 2^nd walk as I passed a lady going somewhat slow, she yelled out “Go speed racer!” On my 3^rd walk, she yelled at me again as I was passing by her room. So I stopped to talk. Joanne is a bit older than I and just had a hip replaced.

Still have not pooped so they are pumping me with ducolax, stool softeners & mineral oil. I stopped the Percocet’s on my own yesterday afternoon as they may be causing the lazy bowel, and I do need to go before I break out of this place. I am passing LOTS of gas though so it is working just a bit slow for the good stuff.

I did have a nice visit yesterday with another of our post op girls who is here with her GF having had her GRS in another hospital down the road.

The teddy bear that was supposed to be delivered with some of the flowers from the day before, was delivered about 100pm. I was trying to think of a name for her yesterday, and it finally came to me about an hour ago. Her name is Marci, named after the dream maker and miracle worker that happens to be my surgeon, and the most caring, loving and concerned Doctor I have ever met.

Dr Bowers told me in her visit yesterday that I not only had plenty of material for her to work with, but that I also had some nice wide hips as well. Making for lots of room for the new parts. She told me I was stuffed tighter than a Thanksgiving turkey without giblets, and I took in “the whole 9 yards” of packing.

So to bring this to a close, hope you all read the boring stuff above cause I put this at the bottom so you would. So at 500am Nurse Jen came in to remove the dressing. This would be my first look at my new life, the life I should have been born into. She had a big mirror with her which she teased me a bit with asking if I was really ready to see it, saying it isn’t pretty. Once I managed to grab the mirror from her hands, she said “it’s not pretty, it’s beautiful.” As I gazed upon the real me for the first time, there wasn’t much to see but there was an entire new world to see at the same time. Yes it was swollen, but there was little bruising, just near the bottom and I could see the clitoral hood. There were many happy tears, and many more thru the day.

It was and will be to the end of my days the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

Day 8, escape

That’s probably not a good title for yesterday, but the best I could come up with. In the last 3 months, I have been in 2 hospitals. While I had a great experience in the one 3 months ago, one in which they saved my life, these past 3 days at Peninsula Hospital are far and away the best days I have ever spent in any hospital. Perhaps partially because of the reason I was there, but I prefer to think it was the attitude of the staff. You could see in their attitude that they were all there to be the angels that we far too often don’t’ give them credit for. They are angels of mercy. From the lab staff on Monday, to the pre-op staff, the OR staff, the recovery room nurses and especially the ladies & gents that took such wonderful care of me and my guests the 4 days in my room. They all knew why we were there, and they seemed to really understand that they were seeing dreams come true. They wanted to be part of that process and it showed.

There were many changes of dressing, each one a wonderment as I watched and the new parts were cleaned and treated with the care of a newborn. I am still in awe of what has taken place and what will be a new way of life for me. But I am finally me, the me I was meant to be.

I was supposed to be released at 11am, but Dr Bowers did not get there until about 3pm. She took one more look and removed the stitch holding the drain in place, that was the most painful part of the day, and as she was checking her work, my hostess for the next week snuck her head in to take a look. I didn’t mind, as she is a big part of this for me, but she was awed at how amazing it looks.

I titled this escape, but that is not even close to what I was feeling yesterday. I had been walking around the hospital floor many times already yesterday and was feeling quite comfortable. I stopped in to meet the girl who had the surgery early Wed before me. We will talk again. But in the grander scheme of things, leaving the presence of those angels who had been my friends for many days, was bittersweet. I get to go about my new life, I will likely never see them again, and yet they were such a big part of my healing. I will miss them tremendously.

So my escape was about 430pm and back to Becky & Terry’s for a nice KFC dinner, and the start of a new future.

Day 9, Visitors and --Censored--

As some of you know, I am part of a family of hardassed, badassed, long-haired, bearded (at least the guys), tobacco-juice spitting, cigar smoking, whiskey drinkin’, beer-inhaling, (mostly) Harley riding bikers known as the --Censored--™, with myself being #73 of now some 140+. When I came out to this family in Jan, I expected that I would get some rejection from such a community. I even offered to turn in my number should they so desire. What I got back was nothing short of a dream. Not one single AH rejected me. I got words of encouragement & support from every one of them, with one of them telling me to “get over it cupcake, you’re stuck with that number for life.” These --Censored--™ range all over the world with some in Sweden and other parts of Europe, Canada, Asia and an abundance in the US. These are the family, and not my only family who would do this, but these warm loving and kind --Censored--™ would give a fellow the shirt off their back if someone needed it more than they at that moment. They as would I, leave a key out for you if you were passing thru and they wouldn’t be home so that you could empty their beer-fridge, use their tools and leave them all over their garage, mess up their guest room and would thank you for having stopped by.

So in addition to Becky my hostess being an --Censored--™ of the non-bearded variety, I got visits today from 2 others. Jon who I had met once before some 13 yrs ago at a meet in Illinois and his wife Randi. And Gareth and his wife Julie who I had not previously met. (my known and met AH family just got bigger). Randi gave me a really pretty necklace that is one she makes. Gareth in addition to being an --Censored--™ is a skydiving instructor with over 9,000 jumps. Julie is a nurse practitioner and an experienced skydiver was very interested in my procedure. She also gave me a nice set of eyeshadow & blush in some of my favorite colors. Both Gareth & Julie have been part of many record setting formation jumps.

Jon & Randi were the first to show up, and Randi placed the necklace around my neck. Does this now mean they own me?? LOL But we talked for quite some time with Randi mostly listening, while Jon was so fascinated by my story and what he calls the courage to live a life hiding the true me for so many years. Jon said many times he was in awe of what it took for me to do this. Jon came in wearing a Santa hat to set the mood of this being just a fun get together. Gareth & Julie arrived about an hour later and there was alcohol as there is at any --Censored--™ gathering.

One of Becky & Terry’s friends Carol was here as well, and she stayed after Randi, Jon, Julie & Gareth left and I was again able to create another advocate.

I love sharing the details of my life and my transition and how I got here. There is very little I will not share, and that depends on the audience as to what and how much they want to hear. I will even share details of the GRS procedure for those that want to hear. Every time I share some details of me and what my sisters are going thru I seem to create support and advocates. We all need to share our stories, with those willing to listen. The more we show that we are just plain simple girls trying to live our lives the way we were meant to, the more we break the stereotype that we are portrayed in so many venues.

Day 10, Lazy day and rain rain go away

Well nothing much happened today. Just a lazy day of Facebook & some reading. Waiting for the rain to let up but it didn’t for very long. Reading a book titled True Selves dedicated to helping family, friends and coworkers learn and interact with the transgender person.

I had showered early Sat before my escape from the hospital with the help of nurse so as not to damage the new bits and learning how to take care of them and the stitches when washing. I had skipped the shower Sunday doing the Marine shower, washing the bits that needed it, then a bit of one of my favorites Chanel #5 to hide any residual, and I was fine for the day.

So yesterday was going to be the first shower on my own. I had noticed that when I showered last Wed before surgery I had missed a few of the forested trees and they could be seen with the skirt I had been wearing Sunday. So I did need the shower for that as well as I’m not too keen on seeing my own forested legs, even though I have no one to really look at them closely and run away terrified in horror yet. But there are some possibilities rising in that area of my life as well.

So after a shave of some remaining facial hair and some chest hair which for the last 3-4 months has been coming in much thinner and slower, it was time for my first shower on my own with the new bits. I took off the catheter bag and plugged the drain so that it would be easier to wash & shave around it. The first thing I noticed was that there has been some sensation return to the new area even since Saturday. The shower water running thru that area feels totally different than a week ago. And how it flows away from my body from there is different as well. For those who have seen shower scenes in porn of women and the water flows from that area, yeah it is now like that. (And yeah I know that over 90% of you have seen those shower scenes!! Ya pervs!!)

So after a leg deforestation, shampoo & condition of the head hair, it was time to wash the rest with concentration on the sensitive new bits and not harming them. This went well.

I dried off and then it was off to clean the new bits a bit more with baby wipes and apply a coat of Neosporin.

So a major accomplishment yesterday. While I have been living and breathing as a woman for quite some time now, having all the bits now is a feeling that is just beyond reality in its feeling of now oneness with the universe. It is a truly beautiful and wonderful feeling that will be here the rest of my days.

Day 11, learning to pee & unpacking

WOW!! What a day yesterday! My follow-up appt. for my surgery was 1230 yesterday. Due to me we were running a little late. After I got myself cleaned up and dressed, I realized I didn’t have time for any makeup. I grabbed some eye makeup for my and threw in my purse, but once on the road did not feel like trying to put it on. I had been in some pain which I attributed to gaining feelings back in some spots, but thought that I would wait until after the appt. to see if I really needed anything of if this was just being caused by the catheter and packing as it was more of pressure ache than actual hurting pain. Traffic was not bad but still a little iffy. So when we realized I was going to be late, I called the office to let them know we would be 5-10 mins late. My surgery day buddy Lacey was still in the big room getting her first dilation done, so not a big issue.

So it was my turn. She removed the catheter and that in itself was such a relief. She explained how peeing now will be a whole different experience and that for some time expect it to be a shower rather than a stream. It is so far but not as much of a shower as I was expecting.

So now the packing. As she pulled the packing out I started humming some magician background music. Apparently not the first girl to do so! As the packing came out and she got to the knot in the middle says you’re going to feel the knot pass thru, which I did. It was then time for my first dilation.

She said we’re going to start you with the green #3 because you had plenty to work with and the packing was actually packed as a #4.
Mr. Green Jeans (yeah I know probably a bit cliché) went in relatively easy. She told me that they expect I should be able to advance up to as I named him The Captain (#4 orange) in 7-10 days. I had no problem getting Mr. Green Jeans in to the last dot & then some before hitting the “wall”. She said I would feel it and I did. Told me to keep a constant gentle pressure and I should not lose any depth as the tissues shrink. I held it for the 15 mins and had to keep checking myself as I tended to let my pressure hand drift to the left and push Mr. GJ along with it.

Two more dilations yesterday went well. While just being able to be doing these dilations is the most wonderful thing as it means I have the equipment to need to do them, I can already see where they will be a chore for some time. They can get messy. I can hardly wait for all the feelings to return and this begins to feel like something more than just dilations and dilators!

As it turned out most of the pain I had been feeling prior to the appt was related to the catheter & the packing. I was feeling much better after it was all over. And as I was relating my experiences in the hospital and the process as a whole to the NP upon leaving, those darn happy tears appeared again. I’m sure it’s not the first time they’ve seen them and won’t be the last. I don’t seem to be able to hide them these past 2 weeks.

As special as my appt above was, I think the actual highlight of the day was after that. After the appt, it was time to visit a sister and her fiancé who really has been a sister in every sense of the word for over this past yr. for me. We live about 1500 miles apart, but we have shared with each other the things you only share with a sister. Yes even some clothes as she has sent me some of hers that no longer fit after her BA. She had her GRS here in July, but an issue caused her to need to come back for a revision. I really hate that she had to come back, but it did give us a chance to meet for the first time. We did have a great visit, but my new bits were beginning to get uncomfortable. So after about nearly 3 hrs together, it was time to say goodbye for now. She had to fly back home this morning so we could not spend more time together this week, but she & her fiancé are planning a vacation next summer with some other sisters, and I plan to try and be there as well.

So yesterday was a day of blessings that even the rain could not dampen. I have 4 more days here and hoping for a few more visitors Sat before I fly out Sunday.

I wonder what TSA is going to think of the dilators in my carry-on Sunday morning???

Day 12, dating with Mr. Green Jeans

Aside from 3 dates with Mr Green Jeans, a rather laid back day. Started with breakfast of some yummy pancakes from my host. I held off my first date until after breakfast. All of my dates so far have been a bit painful to start, but that eases up after a few minutes. And as that eases I find I can add a bit more pressure to add depth.

My post op instructions are to not use any soap for a while and just let the new bits have water run over them.

Swelling is going down a bit as well as I seem to have more of a urine stream than a spray now. But it definitely has a whole new feel to it.

My first date was about 1100am, 2^nd about 430 and 3^rd about 1100pm. Mr GJ, just doesn’t seem to be much of a morning guy! We may have to talk about that as I’m told that morning wood is the best!!! (yes I went there so get over it!)

I do seem to have some spotting, but appear that this may be normal for 1 wk out of surgery. Dr B seems to think it’s ok, and she is the expert.

So yesterday was more just keeping caught up with everyone, email and all FB, y’all are quite a chatty bunch when you’re supposed to be working!! And waiting for Mr GJ to be ready. He is just so slow sometimes.

Day 13, Jammies day

Just got lazy today. I was concerned last night that I may have a bit too much bleeding/oozing, but Dr Bowers quelled my concerns saying it looks normal and bleeding today has been much less. One difference between yesterday & today was that I was not using my Kabooti cushion yesterday and may have been placing too much pressure on the new bits yesterday.

My bruising has been quite minimal, but I have been taking 1000mg of Vitamin C every day for quite some time and that may have something to do with it.

So today was some reading and paying bills.

And Mr Green Jeans didn’t seem to mind that I was in my jammies all day!

Yes I know this is short, but not much else happened of note.

[Guest Lacey71]

Hi Vicki, I advanced to capt on day 4. I am having difficulty relaxing. I don't mind dialating but I'm sooo sore. Glad to here your doing well. Hang in there sister.

[Charlize]

Thank you for sharing your journey with us Vicki. Hope healing is fast and the results are as awesome as one could hope for.

I'm a bit old and my health will not allow for major surgery but it wonderful to read of others finding a way to peace with their bodies.

Hugs, (gentle ones)

Charlize

[Guest KerryUK]

Thank you very much for sharing with us Vicki, I'm hoping to have my surgery in March '15 and so it's nice to read such a descriptive and positive account. I know that the next 3 months will drag by, but in the overall scheme of things that's nothing - in the 'blink of an eye' I too will be waking up to a new world. I hope in the mean time Vicki, that you have a speedy and happy recovery.

Kerry x.

[Guest Ky_Ki]

Congrats! Please keep us updated.

[Guest LizMarie]

Sharing these stories can be helpful to those of us headed down that same road someday.

Thank you!

[VickySGV]

Vicki, I am having re-runs of my immediate recovery days just reading these here. The stories do have value for all the people here, and truth be told, they represent countless hours and years of so many ideas, worries, fears and a bunch of garbage that went on to get us to our individual goals. Not saying it was all bad, but we deserve to feel good because of the effort we have made.

[Guest]

for openly sharing your experiences with us VickiD.

I am happy to note that my initial feelings about Dr. Bowers are yet again confirmed.

A renowned surgeon, as well as a wonderful human.

Huggs,

Joann

[Guest alexaz]

Thank you sooooo much Vicki

Your journey sounds very comfortable.

Alexa

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Hi Vicky,

Thank you for sharing your GRS Diary.

I really enjoyed reading it, and also the "Humor".

Hugs,

Carla