Gender vs Gender-norm

[Guest Kaylee]

Good morning ladies and gentlemen,

After clicking a link from one of the posts here on LP, Reading the article (based on bathroom access ), and reading the comments at the bottom of that page, It clicked with me that there is something very wrong with how we use the word “gender”.

The comment I read on the page stated that “Gender is a social construct, and that those that do not feel they match their gender (birth-sex) should simply be themselves, not the opposite sex, and leave women their space in the womens room!” The individual referred multiple times to “female women” needing their own space to feel safe. (as a note, the sign on the door say “Womens room, not females room”). That statement was followed by “I realize that there is a high violence potential in the mens room, and there should be a third option. Now, while going by “Gender = social construct” his comments were somewhat valid, but in reality… I know for a fact that they are wrong!

As a transgender woman, I recognize that while struggling through my life, I have used parts of the “social construct” to try to feel at peace with myself. This meaning I dressed in womens clothing, as all of us ladies have…. Just to feel as normal as I could. However, the ability to dress in womens clothing is NOT why I’ve decided to transition. The clothing I choose to wear going forward is simply a way to express my gender and femininity to society, and to some extent pass as a woman and be accepted as a woman. None of this has to do with how I feel inside, nor why I desire SRS.

I recently watched a video of a mother talking about her 4 year old trans-daughter. The girl was pushing down on her male parts because she felt they didn’t belong. (as a note, I recently unblocked a memory from childhood, that I really just didn’t want to touch “IT” when I was about the same age.) That feeling, has NOTHING…. to do with “social-norm” and certainly not part of some “social construct”! It has to do with an internal feeling, a psychological feeling of gender.

There are many words that have multiple meanings…. They’re called homonyms. (you know… Row, bear, fly). While gender has long been thought of as a social construct, even Websters Dictionary has updated the meaning.

“Gender: the behavioral, cultural, or psychological traits typically associated with one sex”.

I honestly wanted to go on that website, and just slam the guy (sorry, it’s my natural instinct… I love to argue) but what I have come to realize, is that perhaps even “we” have been slacking off on pointing out the difference between the 2 meanings. I think a notable difference between “Gender”… and “Gender-norm” perhaps?

You know… we as humans think of TIME as linear… because we perceive it that way. We keep a calendar (a social construct used to monitor history) We are born, grow, and die… and that suggests time only moves forward. But there are theories that suggest time is not linear (wormholes, warped space, multiple universes). Most people continue to perceive gender as social… because that is what they see with their own eyes… and have never “felt” out of place in their own body!

Am I the only one that thinks this way?

Kay

[VickySGV]

I do think you have hit some very valid points here. I see this often in the forums here where the supposedly same notion of gender can bring people yapping and snarling and nipping at throats like two dogs after one bone. BIG SIGH!!!

[Guest]

Well first:

I recently watched a video of a mother talking about her 4 year old trans-daughter. The girl was pushing down on her male parts because she felt they didn’t belong. (as a note, I recently unblocked a memory from childhood, that I really just didn’t want to touch “IT” when I was about the same age.) That feeling, has NOTHING…. to do with “social-norm” and certainly not part of some “social construct”! It has to do with an internal feeling, a psychological feeling of gender.

I don't have this memory, but my mom has told me I did the same exact thing!

Now on to your main point:

Yep. I have a freaking treatise on this site, on my blog, that delves deep into this problem. The crux of the issue is that too many people have too many definitions of what "gender" is and that the term "transgender" too also carries multiple definitions.

For starters, no one can really agree on what "gender" is in the first place. Other than most academics agreeing that it's not between your legs. That would be sex. But there are two vastly opposed camps: the gender-essentialist view and the social-construct view with completely opposite perceptions of what it is. One claims gender, and most gendered behaviors are innate and biological - based on millennia of evolution - girls play with dolls because their brain has natural mothering instincts. The other claims gendered behaviors are entirely constructed by society (and usually the term patriarchy is thrown around). Girls play with dolls only because they're encouraged to play with dolls. The two arguments are both used to explain everything from fashion, career choices, anything with a gendered slant. Of course the reality is undoubtably in between somewhere - biological predispositions that have been exaggerated and enforced by society but Ha! there's no room for compromise in debate!

The the term "transgender' comes in an muddles everything up. These days it applies to anyone that is a part-time crossdresser all the way to someone who does a full blown transition. Obviously the motivations and personal experiences are vastly different across this range. One descriptor does not really apply. So that's problem #1. Problem #2 occurs because, based on the definition of gender, the term "transgender" implies a disconnect in gendered behaviors and expectations, not physical body. Of course to which the logical response is indeed "why become a woman? We really just need to break down gender norms!. And of course there are some transgender/transexual people for whom this is exactly the case. They transition to the opposite sex almost solely for social reasons. But there is another kind of transgender person, one for whom the problem lies in the physical body that gives them so much pain. We too are labeled "transgender", often out of our own choice because of the stigma, and dirty sound associated with "transexual". We might have a problem with our gender as well, but it's really the problem with our sex that causes us to transition - hence "transexual" is really the more accurate term - just not an appealing one. And because of all these words and meanings being used interchangeably it really does cause a lot of confusion among the general public - we can't expect them to take us seriously when on one hand we say "gender is what lies in your mind, how you act, what you feel you are" and then on the other say "I'm transGENDER and I want to change my physical body to match". Because that response makes no sense for a problem that would indeed be solved simply by breaking down gender norms if the first statement was completely true.

There really needs to be a rethinking of terminology and a recognition in the community of the fact that there are many different common trends in the realm of being "transgender" and bundling all of them together under the same word, rather than treating the word simply as an adjective like "caucasian" or "young" - implying no specific experience, just causes immense confusion - both in and outside of the community.

For 3000 more words like this see the blog. : - )

[tracy_j]

I agree with the very valid points!

It is the difference I feel mentally rather than physically with me. I don't have issues with my physical parts (at least not to be considering SRS) but mentally, although somewhat variable I am essentially female. That is even when I am dressed and presenting as male. The clothes, makeup and all have only peripheral meaning when not in a social setting. Especially as it has become an everyday occurrance. More a case of comfort or practicality than anything else, although I find the larger scope of women's clothing makes things interesting. I think gender as a term is not an easy thing to use. That is why I often relate different degrees of being feminine to myself rather than man or woman, and describe myself as androgyne or non- binary. I don't really know what I am apart from me!

Then I think socially - a minefield - I have not worked that one out yet but it sure is interesting at times!

It is complicated as it has taken me a while to write this and I am still not even sure about it - I hope I got my gist - mainly that the term 'gender' is one of my biggest problems.

Tracy

[StephanieVikingGirl]

Yep, I have thought deeply on this all my life, although I was never able to tell anyone else my thoughts and feelings until last year when I came out. Back in 1996 a film called "Different for Girls" was released, and when it was picked up by HBO I watched it at my parents house after they had gone to bed. The first thing I saw in the film was a shower scene wherein someone was luxuriating in the water spray while tucking their penis in order to appear female to themselves. I had been doing that since I was a child in a bathtub, I wanted to know what I would look like as a girl, and it also made me feel better. I always did that. When I had developed pec muscles, I would also pull my arms inward in order to make them look like breasts for the same reason. I am pretty certain that this kind of behavior is common amongst MTF transsexuals. Another early, early behavior was that I also urinated sitting down, and got punished for it. I still did it when I could of course, despite all the punishments. It was actually a few years later that I tried on some of my mother's clothes, and since they didn't fit I did not feel good about trying them on. I never did do much cross dressing since it depressed me more that the clothes didn't fit my body than the small relief that I felt wearing them. If that makes any sense.

So yeah, for me at least it was the body dysphoria that drove me to either transition or die when my bell rang last year. Don't get me wrong, I love wearing feminine attire, and I greatly enjoy looking good in a mini-skirt or bikini, but the reason that I like the way I look has far less to do with clothes than the way my body looks. HRT has done wonders for me both physically, and mentally. I am going to do my best to stay healthy so that I can have SRS, that is way, way more important to me than what I am wearing. I just thought I would express my reasons for transitioning, thanks for reading.

hugs,

Stephanie