Bravery, Courage... are very powerful words

[Guest LesleyAnne]

Well last year in April I joined Laura's, and shortly that same month I mustered the courage to come out to my wife of then 43 years that I was indeed a woman, and have always felt that way for as long as I can remember.

It's strange but courage and fear love to travel together. I remember that well in Viet Nam when assigned each mission to fly into fire as a gunner. I was scared beyond belief, but I had to muster up that courage to go in spite of the possible consequences.

Bravery, the dictionary defines it as courageous behavior..........So the behavior in this case is the act of exposing your bare naked soul to someone of significance in your life. In my case it was my wife last year of me bearing my soul to her where I had kept it from her for our entire marriage (not the finest usage of my brain). It was and still is a very, very rough road with plenty of ups and downs, and goodness knows where it will take us.....whether it will still be as a couple or going our separate ways. Only time will reveal that to us. I know I still love her, but I am through living a lie.

I can never (and wouldn't want to even if I could) take back what I told her that night.

We cried, we yelled, accusations were flying in anger....it was awful! I wished that I could be back in Viet Nam and fly the dreaded mission of death instead of going through this, but that really would have been too easy. That night was in my face, and I let the tiger out of the cage. The heaviness was on my chest, and I couldn't shake it no matter how hard I tried. It's funny in a way.......the weight was now off my shoulders, but firmly planted on my chest.

Now I'm faced with baring my soul again, but this time I must let my two sons know who their parent really is, and she is not a he. At first this decision was easy, it was basically made for me. The night I came out to my wife she made me promise to never tell our sons unless they should ask me directly. This was one of many concessions I made that night since I really felt I was on the defensive, and definitely not on the offensive. At that point in time I felt I had to make any deal I could make to just get through the night. Of course I regretted it later.

Now I don't like putting myself in a box, it's not comfortable, but I made the deal and was prepared to live with it in faint hopes that my boys would someday ask me why I was looking a bit more feminine (hoping HRT would do it's job and prompt the questions). I am gaining a more feminine appearance, both by HRT help, and my own intentional grooming so to speak, but alas no questions were forthcoming.

Well my wife and I had a long talk just before Mother's Day, and just after a dermatology appointment where I revealed to the doctor that I was Transgender, and to my pleasant surprise embraced by that doctor with love and caring (all in front of my wife in the exam room), and total acceptance. Later that night we talked and she volunteered to revoke my promise and let me tell the boys if and when I had the courage to do so..........

So now I have to muster up that good ole courage, and do the brave thing of revealing to my two grown sons with wives and sons, and a daughter of their own that their "Dad" is Transgender. The person that they were most proud of that was awarded 4 DFC's and 7 Air Medals was a girl all along. Wow is this going to be hard!!

I'm not the person they were so proud of, and I have promised myself that I will tell them before Father's Day!

Where oh where is my courage now, when I really, really need it.

You see my boys are great dad's, solid providers for their families. Well respected by those that know them, and it's going to hurt like "H" to have to go away so as to not be an embarrassment to them. I'm hoping against all that they will still embrace who I am inside, but one never knows. I also run the risk that their wives will reject me as some freak, again one never knows.

I always stressed to my sons that when you marry...your first allegiance is to your spouse, against all others they should come first in your life. So if one of their spouses rejects me then they too must do so. And that is exactly the way I reared them, and what I expect them to do. Even at my expense......but I know it will hurt deeply.

Where's m courage now?

My love to you all

LesleyAnne

[Guest April Kristie]

LesleyAnne, you face quite a dilemma that you have been in my opinion overthinking. This will continue to be rough for you if you let it get the best of you. Look how far you have come since opening up to your spouse! You and her raised a couple of great kids, married providers with young ones of their own. You instilled in them a fairness, an honesty to which in your description seems to be genuine. There is nothing wrong in being a woman, the longer you live in this role the more you see that. Yes, this will be a blow to them in the sense it is new and most likely unexpected. But, it is an evolving family reality that at the moment you are at the center of. This will change over time as they learn acceptance and understanding. They have all the same reasons to continue to be proud of your military achievements, and even more knowing that a real woman was behind that gun while flying in Vietnam. They are proud of your parenting skills, the way you reared them, and your continued love for your spouse, and her acceptance as well.

There have been so many people here at the forums that have had trepidations over telling this one or that one about themselves. If you have been lurking through some of these posts, you know that some of these expectations were a bit blown out of proportion. They worried over nothing. you do know worrying gets you nowhere? You can help prepare yourself in your own way for this sit down with your family, but not to wrack you mind with "what if". That is enough to start chewing antacids or losing sleep. As a person in a similar situation, no I don't have kids, but am 62 and have a spouse of 35 years. We are girlfriends, all of my family "gets it", we both know that we only get to live one day at a time, and with health issues... Who knows how long we will be allowed to hang around to be ourselves? Would your family deny you the right to be who you really are? This is not just a case of gender binaries, it is an expression of yourself that has been repressed for most of your life. Give a gal a break and let her take a deep breath and live.

I just explained why I was tapping on this IPad for so long to the spouse, she thought it was a good idea to set the deadline of Father's Day. So my final thoughts are, gain perspective, prepare yourself as you wish to. And, have pride in whom you really are. If you present yourself as a human being with special needs, this could be a love fest amongst the people you care about the most.

I await to hear how it goes for you!

With hugs and positive energy, I am April

[Charlize]

LesleyAnne you describe my coming out to my wife. I didn't see you there but your description is just too familiar. You missed my wife's desire that i not come out to the outside world and my reaction that i spent much of my time as a woman in that world. We seem to being well today but at the time i wasn't sure if i'd still have a roof over my head or a partner who could love me.

When i told my son on the phone he seemed OK but when he saw me he turned his back. For over a month he would not look at me. Time cured the hurt that both of us felt.

You will survive this as will your children. It won't be the same but i hope you are blessed by having the love you have given returned.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest LesleyAnne]

Thank you April, and Charlize

I'm just fearful that if it can go wrong it will. Those dark clouds have been following me for a long time. But thank you so much for your kind, and caring words.

[Carolyn Marie]

Lesley Anne, you're right that it does take courage to do some of the things we have to do. I can't predict what will happen any more than you can. But if you have raised them well, with open minds and open hearts, then it should be all right. In the end, if either cannot live with the knowledge that their "father" is transgender, then it is their issue more than it is yours, because you cannot help who you are, while they can help reacting in a negative way.

The only advice I can give is to be honest, be sincere, and reassure them that the dad they were proud of is still the same person, with the same past, the same accomplishments, but a slightly different future. I wish you all the luck in the world.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest LesleyAnne]

I thought I'd better follow up with this post since I started it!

Well this past weekend was like a lot of our weekends in that our grandchildren spent the night, and their respective parents camme to pick them up on Sunday.

The first to arrive was my oldest son, and his wife who are the parents of my youngest grandchild (age 4....soon to turn 5).

Where casual conversation ensued my oldest son wanted to look at the shop that I've been working hard getting finished, so I motioned to him let's go, but at the same time I said to his wife would you like to see it too? Well my wife somehow took this as a queue that I was about to muster that courage to tell them! She quickly looked at me in a panic, and whispered "Not Now!" I gave a quizzical look back at her and mouthed out the words "Why?"

Well she wasn't able to give me a reason (in my heart of hearts I knew she did not want our kids to know), and then just stared at me and said "Fine!"

By this time my son and his wife had already exited the house and were entering the shop just as I caught up with them.

As we entered I asked them to go ahead and sit down, that I wanted to talk with them. My daughter-in-law said "Why do I feel like I'm in trouble!", and my son dittoed that statement.

I said "your not in any trouble....you're both grown remember!"

Then I literally started shaking, and the tears started to flow (the big tough gunner lost it), and I said " I have to just come out and say it......I'm Transgender!" There it was out in the room floating around by itself like a big lead balloon! No putting it back now! My son gave a "okay!", and my daughter-in-law said "you know that we still love you right?, we don't care, so why are you crying? You know we have lots of friends that are gay, and lesbian, so it's no big deal!" Wow! There it was.....over, pretty anti-climactic....

They got up and hugged me, told me that I had no fears in losing their respect, their love, nor grandparent privileges.

Well the rest of the conversation revolved around why hadn't I come out sooner, why didn't I let them know that I am on HRT, the usual questions one gets when one is standing there feeling very vulnerable. Of course I told them about my fears, my promise to their mom (in the beginning I promised to not tell anyone, which was lifted by the way about a week or two ago) not to tell, and my guilt of being in hiding for my entire life.

We went back in the house and my daughter-in-law went up to my wife who was now filled with tears knowing I came out to them, and hugged her saying "you realize this changes nothing, it's not a big deal for us!"

That was it, and they were off, they told my wife that anytime she needed to talk they would be there for her, and me as well.

They were gone before my youngest son and his wife showed up to pick up my other two grandchildren, and the scenario was repeated.

I was most worried about my youngest son's wife who is a bit of a religious conservative, and this was going to be harder.....I thought!

Well I did it the same way, shaking again, tears welling up, and I started with "This could ruin our relationship...I hope and pray not, but I cannot keep it inside anymore." and then I blurted it out "I'm Transgender!"

The first one to say anything was my daughter-in-law, and she said " OMG I thought your were going to say you were dying of cancer!" My son said " Yeah, I thought so too!" ..........that was it, they were relieved I wasn't dying.....they too told me no big deal even with the grandchildren, they said that their kids have friends that have same sex partners for parents, and it's not as big a deal to any of them.

Again we all hugged, and went in and a repeat with my wife was duplicated except my daughter-in-law said to my wife "you should know that we would never deprive you of your grandchildren, nor would we for Dad!" That "Dad" part ouched a little, but I wasn't about to spoil this day by nit-picking!

There it is........Out! and I'm still alive, I didn't die. I didn't lose my family that I love, and life will go on! But now life will go on as LesleyAnne.

Now my concentration will be on legal name change, Social Security, VA, drivers license, all those things I've wanted to handle but didn't know how under a veil of secrecy!

I should add both sons called me later and asked the usual questions of "how far do you plan on going?", and "are you planning on going full time?"

My answers were "As far as it takes me to feel complete", and "Yes, as I start feeling more comfortable with my appearance".

They offered to help me in any way they could!

How's that for a great family!

By the way a very special person here at Laura's knew that I was going to come out to my son's and told me that she just knew it would go just fine, and that because of the way my sons were reared they would be accepting, and supportive.............

She was right!!

[Guest LizMarie]

As you and I spoke privately before, sometimes you can be very surprised by what people actually do. I'm glad it turned out well for you!

[Guest LesleyAnne]

Thank you LizMarie,

And all of you for your kindness, and support

Your sister...............LesleyAnne!

(I love using LesleyAnne I must confess!)

[Charlize]

It sounds like it all worked out beautifully. There will be more questions i'm sure. Things have changed and it takes time to adjust. Please don't get upset about pronouns and being Dad. You may always be Dad. The grandkids call me Grandie but my son still uses Dad. He is doing much better in public but when alone i'm still the father he has loved. You may find the same. It took a bit of time but i accepted that. It is certainly a compromise i can live with.

I just hope he doesn't out me in a dangerous public place. So far so good.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Charlotte J.]

Lesley Anne, I saw your update the other night and am so glad that everything went better than you thought it would. I know you had a bunch of anxiety leading up to that moment, and I bet it felt amazing to finally be unburdened of that fear and be so well-received.

I hope things continue to go better than you expect.

[Guest honeynocturnal]

SO happy for you LesleyAnne! It is so nice to see someone reap the rewards of being a decent human being and a good parent. Well done.

[Guest LesleyAnne]

Thank you all........Thank you!

Another update.......

The next day was a rough day for my youngest son and his wife.

They went home and discussed our conversation, and just couldn't come to terms with the belief that I could be a female. They felt that they have never felt me anything but their macho, combat veteran dad!

My son drove out to the house the next day (which is a 45 minute drive one way) and started grilling me for the truth. Needless to say for the first time he had actually already heard the real truth of who I am......

He and my daughter-in-law came to the conclusion this was all a ruse! Possibly to leave their mom, get out of Texas (not happy here, it's too homophobic for my comfort). And as I explained to him why oh why would I pick being Transgender to perform a ruse?

So for hours (literally) I went over my childhood with him, explaining when I was pre-kindergarten being told by my parents to quit playing with dolls, and dress up with my girlfriend across the street, and no more word about being a girl. I told my son that this is when I went underground, and never told another soul. Act like a boy, and stop hanging around Ande. Plus I told him I was also told that I was not allowed at her house any more. I told him how badly that hurt, and how it formed my life of secrecy.

I needed to explain to him that when I was growing up there was only one definition for LGBT, and there were all the demeaning slurs we till know today out there to describe me! I don't need to put them here....we all have heard those hurtful terms. But I did tell him that 'Transgender' was not a word in the 50's and there was no definition out there that fit. No internet to research, and seek understanding, no one to talk to about it. And besides when your parents tell you to shut up about it.....guess what? You shut up about it! You suffered alone, you suffered in silence, and you often cried yourself to sleep.

After giving details, of how my upbringing taught me to be a great actor, imitator, and lier; and how I was able to cope, survive and convince everyone that I was a man's man!

I wasn't playing a ruse on anyone, I didn't want to leave their mom (no way), and although I would love to leave Texas for a more accepting place, I wouldn't have chosen this method to do it!!

When he left to go home, he hugged me, told me he was sorry I had to endure all of this, and that he was in my court. He would talk to his wife, and tell her this is real, and that he would try his best to help support me in my journey.

So just when you think things are all good, they may not be. Yes it turned out okay, but it didn't happen that everyone got behind me in support right away as I thought.

I wanted to update this because even though I thought everyone was okay with my reveal at first, things can change, after they digest the news, doubts can enter their minds, so be careful, be prepared. You may have to rehash, or go into more detail.

And I still have to wait and see.....

I also still have to wait for how they wish to tell my grandchildren, and I have to exhibit excruciating patience for their decision.

Remember that the other shoe could drop without warning.

I love you all, and I hope that what I've experienced may help some of you that are faced with telling your loved ones, what can possibly happen.

Be prepared as best you can for outcomes you didn't expect. I had no idea that I would be challenged after what I thought was acceptance.

Hugs,

LesleyAnne

[Guest]

One night long ago I stopped at a truck stop north of Dallas and Fort Worth. I was looking for some indigestion to keep awake so I could truck on through until the sunshine. I sat in the driver's section alone with two vets. We exchanged pleasantries and small talk.

Then they went back to their original conversation. One was a door gunner and the other was a tank gunner, both home from a life expectancy of less than a minute! Over an hour I was as silent as my cup of coffee, with the hair standing up on my arms and the back of my neck! They and you are all blessed! That is courage in the face of total fear, trapped in a most horrid situation.

These are family, not an enemy, but I am certain the fear going in was equally as great. You are blessed again. Hug.

People use the words bravery and courage to describe me. I know in my heart I am scared witless. I face my self enemy and I can no longer put up the front. I lost the battle and won the war. We all still have many battles ahead. Some large some small.

If we can charge on with charm and grace, we will all eventually continue to win our wars. Your story of early life could be a page torn from my book. I wish you peace, love and complete happiness. JodyAnn

[Guest honeynocturnal]

I think it's natural for other people to question our conclusions. How many times have we questioned them ourselves?

I admire the patience and grace you have exhibited, LesleyAnne! That is very inspiring.

Stay true! You're doing the right thing!

[Guest LesleyAnne]

I love you all.......

You are my family!

[Guest April Kristie]

Lesley Anne,

Sorry I missed this big news as I was away, but I am back and so very happy for you and yours. I just knew those kids were reared "right" by their mom and "dad". We just can never tell what or how people will respond to us, and so much of the time it is good. I just love your outcome. Keep rockin' sweetie!