Dealing with a Difficult Parent.

[Guest EmmaPark94]

Hi, everyone,

I recently came out to my parents as trans, and both of them still tell me they love me. Before I go deeper into this subject, let me set the stage: We have my friend Anna, my significant other Mary, my parents, my brother Chad, and my trans friend Laura, with the birth name of Ezekiel. Of course, these names have been changed for the sake of safety.

This all started with Anna asking me if I'd like to go to the mall for a girl's day with her and Laura. I had said yes, asked my parents if I could go, but then my mother had asked if Chad was invited. Chad and I have known Anna since we were children. My parents have always been extremely touchy about Chad not being invited to things, but he doesn't invite me to things either and he's just fine. Anna and I reluctantly invited Chad, but he said that he'd rather see a movie. Anna had asked if I'd like to meet up halfway, because I can't drive, so my dad drove me to the meetup point.

On the way there, my dad and I had a conversation about me being trans. He didn't know a whole lot about transgender people, which is fine, but he is the type who assumes he is all-knowing. He kept confusing gender with sex, and gender identity with sexuality, all kinds of things went wrong. At the end of the ride, he told me he still loves me, but I'm not actually trans, I'm just a confused and hormonal teenager. I tried telling him about how being trans has been a part of my life since I was young, but he wouldn't believe any of it.

But it doesn't end there with him. When he had picked me up, he had asked who all was in my group. 'Anna and her friend, Laura," I answered. "And Ezekiel!" he interjected, trying to prove a point. 'Why hadn't you said Ezekiel was with you? Unless he's the new Laura.' he said, mockingly. 'No,' I said, trying to cover up that I had accidentally used Laura instead of her birth name. 'I just thought because he's gay, you'd consider him a bad influence, or something.' (They do know he's gay) 'What, is Ezekiel your boyfriend??' he interrogated. I simply had informed him that I'm not interested in guys, and I don't think I will ever be. 'What, so you think Mary will want to be with a guy who takes on feminine features? Son, I don't know how any woman could love anyone like that!'

I would normally wave this off, but he had said that several times in our previous conversation, and I had told him that Mary is lesbian. It wasn't a good thing of me to do at all, to just tell him, without her blessing. I told her everything right away, and she was everything a girlfriend should be in times of need, even though she wasn't very happy that I told him.

That night, I went up to my room, and after a couple moments, my dad apologized for accusing me of dating Laura. I suppose I'll have to take it one small victory at a time, and he does need time to adjust. But I don't know if he will, and everything just feels uncertain.

A big 'Thank you!' to you, if you've read up to this point. Any support or advice would be appreciated greatly.

~ Emma

[tracy_j]

Hi Emma

I can understand your dad getting confused as things are often slightly confusing for us too (at least me anyway) and we are living it! It sounds like he is trying anyway so that is good. It can be a bit of a minefield but it seems you are navigating Ok. Understanding seems to require a very open mind which is difficult for many to realise but acceptance is a good start!

Thanks for sharing - good luck for the future

Tracy x

[Guest JaneShannon]

I think your Dad might be trying to make sense of something he doesn't understand, or understanding something he wishes wasn't true. Don't take that as meaning he doesn't support you, just he wishes his child doesn't have to go through such a challenge. Most American men feel it is their job to "fix and provide."

I think the part of your story that is compelling is that he apologized to you. I don't think my father has apologized to me once in his life.

Keep that communication with him open. He might never totally understand, but I wager he wants to support you. He might not know how just yet. He might also want to "fix" you and doesn't yet understand is all you really need is his caring fatherly love.

Keep showing them the happy, beautiful woman their daughter is, and I think you will be okay.

Best of luck,

JaneShannon

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Hi Emma

First, I AM very happy that your parents tell you that they love you.

Many parents, do not understand what transgender means, but they still want to love you as their child..

Hopefully, these 2 links will be helpful for them to understand what it means to be transgender.

Our Trans Loved Ones: Questions and Answers for Parents, Families, and Friends of People Who Are Transgender and Gender Expansive. Our Trans Loved Ones is a brand-new, updated resource. Written by PFLAG staff members, and created with the help of content experts, reviewers, and PFLAGers with experience to share, it is full of information, first-person stories, and expert input geared to those who have a loved one who has come out as trans or gender expansive.​

http://community.pflag.org/document.doc?id=921

Starting on page 7, may be especially helpful to your parents

This guide, may be the REAL reason why your parents do not, or do not want to understand you.

A Parent’s Guide to Understanding and Accepting your TS Child

http://www.thetransitionalmale.com/TSChild.htmlor

Hopefully, this information will be helpful for BOTH You, and your parents.

Please keep us updated

Wishing you Success and Happiness in your Journey.

Hugs,

Carla