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Another hurdle breached

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Hi everyone,

Today I told my mom (father passed away 20 yrs ago) about my transgenderedness. I had not looked forward to the conversation as things between her and me haven't always been the best. But she took it pretty well. She didn't jump up for joy, or say something sweet and meaningful, but I wasn't expecting that. I know it has to be rough on parents, especially as she said "I've known you for 50 years as X." And I was my most empathetic and honest self, and I think she saw that, so that was good. But I know her as well as she knows me, and many of her responses were impersonal and global, such as "life is strange," etc etc. Which to me says she hasn't quite internalized what I told her yet, and I get that, too, it's a lot to take in. I just hope that over time, as she allows herself to confront the truth of me, that she's as accepting in reality as she appeared to be today.

Of course, this was also accompanied by the news that my wife and I are divorcing, and again she said she understood and put on a brave face, but I have the feeling that underneath that she was disappointed. I'm the only one of her children that is getting divorced, and she's always prided herself on the idea that all her children have happy, loving marital relationships. The only good thing to come out of that part of the discussion is that she reassured my wife that she is still part of the family (my wife was really worried about losing those relationships, and I told her I would do anything possible to make sure that didn't happen). My mom will certainly have a lot to process over the coming months.

I guess for me I contrast her reaction to that of my best friend, who (when I came out to him a week or so ago) seemed genuinely happy. A person can't hide their initial response to something like this, and while my mom seemed guarded but said all the right things my friend reacted with a truly honest happiness for me. We go way back, we went through the same drug treatment program together (almost 30 years ago? Gee, where does the time go?) and lived and worked together for years. It was a very positive experience to have someone you've known for so long react with such positivity.

So, anyway, that's one down, two more (my brothers) to go. Not sure what to expect with them, but how can anyone ever know? It must be done, however. I'm tired of hiding. It's no way to live.

On the upside (sorry this is getting long) I went to my first TG friendly event last night, and I met some really great ladies and had some good conversations. One stuck with me, though. She said that nothing made you feel more feminine than when a man has his attentions on you, taking you out, holding doors for you, walking down the street with his arm around you, and of course the other thing. I guess why that stuck with me so much is that I already feel pretty darn feminine. And it comes from within me. And I don't need proof from something outside of me (such as a man's attention) to validate it. I just am. I've always had a more internal locus of identity anyway (sorry for the psycho-babble), never really putting much emphasis on things outside of myself (job, possessions, etc) to affirm my identity. Same goes for my gender identity. It just is. Thoughts?

Thanks for listening.



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Great day! Let me digest this, I'll comment more later. You wrote just the perfect amount, all that is in your heart! Hug. JodyAnn

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Guest LesleyAnne

Never too long, trust me. It takes an inordinate amount of scrolling space to convey what you just did, and quite normal in my opinion. :thumbsup:

I was sorry to hear about your impending divorce though, so I hope you get through your upcoming challenges unscathed.

My thoughts are just to wish you the best. Everyone's journey is different, and like I've been told here, there is no right or wrong way to continue your own path. :wub:

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I hope your mom will come around to a more robust support, as you mentioned she has a lot to absorb. Give her time. It doesn't sound like she had a really adverse reaction. It's great that you have a close and supportive friend.

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      As a fellow human being and long time trans person, let me assure you that there is nothing wrong with you, and I'm basing that on your description of your physical self. I think what's ruining it for you is your hypersensitivity over how you are being seen by others. That in and of itself can be devastating to one's public persona. I was friends with a very passable post-op MtF and whenever we went out in public she would begin to look furtively around to see if anyone was staring at her or whispering, winking at eachother or nodding as if they had read her, she was so self conscious that she actually drew attention to herself which only served to out her to others and left her feeling devastated. I'm sure that this is exactly what you are doing inadvertantly, you can work your way past it on your own or discuss it with a counselor who might even fix you up with a hypnotherapist who can get you past it. Good luck my friend!
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