starting again?

[Guest Faith gibson]

Hi,

It seems such a small step compared to what most of you do, but I was able to spend a small amount of time outside my house today. I went to a support center in the city and went in and had a cup of tea. I didn't really talk to anyone and I wasn't there long, but I feel a sense of accomlishment. I had such a set back last spring and it is really taking a lot for me to start working back to where I was. Where I was wasn't even that great, but I know I was starting to accept myself more and was starting to explore how I might fit into the world around me. Even that little bit of success disappeared and was replaced with a wave of depression that has kind of held me in one place for awhile.

I know I caused some concern for the people at the support center today because I didn't try to 'mingle' . They sent me a message and I have gotten in touch with them and assured them I was alright though, and they surely were not doing anything wrong. It was allI could do to do what I did.

Even though it seemed I had accomplished more last year, I feel I made a one of my biggest leaps forward today. I kind of proved to myself that I wasn't willing to give up without some sort of a fight. It took me awhile because I've been trying to go out now for several months. I know that the more time I spend out, the better the chances are that I might eventually take the steps I think may be inevitable, regardless of how hard they are for me.

It's very exhausting. Always worrying, always analyizing people and situations around you, and always trying to find that inner strength.

Faith

[Guest Jamie61]

Hi Faith,

Well I'm very proud of you! It can be much harder to "get back up there" after a setback because one knows more of the difficulty ahead.

Take care,

Jamie

[Guest Mickey]

Aw Faith *hugs* sweetie it really does get better. On the other side. As fun as it is, to come out of our lil closet, and to venture over to the other side, for a little while. It is so much more fun to come completely out, cross on over to the other side, and live here. Ah, freedom. I so wish I was there with you. You sure wouldn't be staying at home. I would drag you out all the time. And we would go everywhere. I can show you how to smile at the bigots that we'd probably run into from time to time. And we would have so much fun.

If wishes were fishes, I'd have my aquaponic garden by now. Please always remember that I have you in my prayers. And I'm rootin' for ya.

[Guest So-kool]

Your current situation sounds very typical.

Having GD is very hard. Just know that many others have experienced your same level of doubt and set-backs.

Most of us further along can relate to that time span of transition. The set backs and self-consciousness eventually stregnthen into a strong resolve and you realise there is little choice other than to "Do what you have to do" .

Even though you will have apprehension and fear at certain points, you will find a way to push through it just because the GD will not just "let it go" as you might hope.

Sadly, you may experience depression if things dont go as you had hoped and you learn to develop a thick skin to get over depression with a shorter down time.

I can tell you that a key factor is to simply let go of your inhibitions for small periods and put fear and depression in a box for another time.

Live in the moment and perhaps go somewhere that nobody knows you and therefore there is no accountability. There is a certain freedom that comes with being anonomous.

Oh yea, and you might actually have FUN at some point along the way. ?

[Charlize]

That is a great step forward Faith. Just getting out of the house is hard. I remember fighting myself to control the urge to hide in the barn when the first visitors came down the drive to buy some syrup. It isn't easy and at first the slightest comment from someone hurts so deeply. If you can keep putting that foot out the door time will make it so much easier.

I'm glad your continuing the struggle. Thanks for sharing your victory.

Hugs,

Charlize

[JJ]

A great step forward Faith. When we have given in to the fear it grows stronger and every step is big and hard but as Charlize said, it does get easier as we deny it's power. So many times we have become our own worst enemies saying things in our heads no one else ever would. Sure there are haters out there and we can end up hearing ugly remarks from ignorant jerks but so much of that is also dependent on how we behave and choices we control.

The last time I thought I was Mam ed what shocked me most was that it didn't hurt-I was just curious why. Turned out the person was addressing my daughter and not me but it highlighted how things change. The fear and awkwardness, the hyper self awareness are gone and now I am just me.

Sometimes I do think "What if they knew?" and got tired of it so I started socializing more and got the roles in the local theater where I would be interacting extensively for awhile. Worked like a charm. But I wasn't ready till now.

And for all the talk of fear and awkwardness the highs of early transition are the best I've ever known. Life on an even keel is wonderful but I do miss those highs as well.

Congratulations again on taking that step. The first step is always hardest.

There are valid reasons for not transitioning but fear is not one them. You deserve to live a full life and cannot give the best of yourself if you cannot be your best.

Hugs

Johnny

[Jani]

Hang on Faith and keep moving forward. It will only make you stronger.

Hugs,

Jani

[Guest Faith gibson]

Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement and support. I always find so much to reflect on from the words people share. I like the comment about trying to put the depression and fear in a box for another time. It really is a way to consider things because it takes away the sense of being overwhelmed that can be so difficult to deal with. I should know this. I quite often advise students to 'chunk' things in order to make their work easier.

I am so tired of the fear. It's starting to get to the point where it might feel good to just rebel against its hold.

Just before I came here on LP this evening, I was checking out a woman's group that meets every Tuesday in the city. I actually knew about this group before tonight but I just felt that the 6 hours of driving on a school night might be too much. After yesterday, I am rethinking it. I think I could at least try for a couple of Tuesdays each month. I believe that if there was a few women that I could see on a regular basis, to share some support, it would be something that could alleviate a lot of insecurities. Especially if they were friendly enough to break down some of my barriers so that I could loosen up a bit. I am not a great socializer either but that's another topic.

Faith

[AnnazMom]

Faith, you are on your way to self acceptance. I have anxiety and get it acutely sometimes. I sure do remember my "GD by association" taking my young trans daughter out in public when she first came out and I felt so nervous and self aware. It was scary! But a full 6 months later it was routine and we both have attitudes and phrases for various situations we find ourselves in with people that knew her "before". Hiding, I think, has some very negative outcomes, whereas living your intended life can give you confidence. There will be setbacks, but baby steps are best! Keep going out!! Last year, my daughter was a Cub Scout, today she is a Girl Scout with the same parents as her troop leaders! I never could have imagined...

[Guest Faith gibson]

That's a wonderful story AnnazMom. Anna sounds like a great kid! And very lucky to have so much support.

[MarcieMarie12]

Faith, I find that friendly smile goes a long way. That and a nice shade of lipstick....

I've actually enjoyed engaging people I don't know. That's when I really get treated as a woman, the way I want to be treated. I'm working on my voice and I think I am doing ok, no strange looks since my second night out.

BTW-I find myself overwhelmed when I think about everything I have to do before I go full-time (my transition goal for 2016 at some point). But I remind myself that if I take it one step at a time I'll be OK. Coming out to family and friends ranks up there as one of the hardest things I've ever done. But I am out, so the anxiety over that is gone.

[gennee]

Faith, each small step is a step closer to where want to be. It is also a victory for you. Congratulations.