Wizard Of Odd

[Guest Kenna Dixon]

I've never seen anything written from this perspective, so maybe I can add something to the body of knowledge regarding the transgender condition.

I reached the age of 74 in July, and I remember being aware of my dysphoria when I was six. The story of my journey from that point on parallels those of many others, so it's not worth describing. Suffice it to say that I was able to achieve full affirmation by working in female mode...and I expected to continue down that path - wherever it led. And my wife of 25 years was totally supportive.

Something changed a few years ago. I become less interested in presenting as a woman just for the sake of doing so and instead was driven by the need to involve myself in outreach. News stories about young people being bullied made me feel that I could make a positive difference simply by owning my own story and going public with it. I greatly increased my online presence, but by then my feminine persona was coming forth only when I was asked to address a group.

At that point, I realized that something I had taken for granted might not be true in my case. All my life, the feeling had only grown stronger as I tried to suppress it. There had been differing levels of intensity, to be sure...but conventional wisdom said it would never go away. And now I felt as though it had.

I didn't give it too much thought, because being transgender isn't a huge part of my life anyway. Then, I had an epiphany. I watched the Caitlyn Jenner interview with Diane Sawyer, and afterward I was consumed by the feeling that now a page had been turned and my outreach efforts weren't important anymore. Subsequent publicity only served to reinforce that belief, and I began to realize that my viewpoint as an older person really didn't add much to the conversation. A lot of other people were working hard to bring the subject to people's attention, and progress was being made.

In November, I was asked to give a talk to a new support group. I quickly found that everyone there had already come out and in doing so had overcome obstacles I never had to face. They didn't need me.

I found that once I felt I didn't have to be publicly transgender for the benefit of others, I had no desire left to do so at all.

So now there is the Kenna Henderson who exists online and in a book and the person behind the curtain who has seemingly undergone some kind of unexpected (and involuntary) mental adjustment.

Now I'm left with decades of life experience that allow me to empathize with those who are going through the changes but zero credibility when it comes to my daily existence.

Cases like mine are probably very rare. Like many, I have tried to rid myself of the gender issue in the past and learned that it's impossible to do so. I gave up trying and came to terms with who I am a very long time ago. It simply wasn't a problem.

This is not depression. I'm still very much engaged in other aspects of life and work. And I don't consider the change to be very important in the overall scheme of things.

I write this only to illustrate that the mind and body might in fact lurch off the transgender path when we least expect it to.

[Charlize]

"Now I'm left with decades of life experience that allow me to empathize with those who are going through the changes but zero credibility when it comes to my daily existence."

Kenna, i think you have great credibility regardless of how you present to the world. Perhaps the hardest thing i faced was accepting myself as being trans*. Finding peace on or off of the "transgender path" is a wonderful accomplishment for any of us.

Thank you for sharing yourself so openly and honestly.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Carolyn Marie]

Being trans has (or ought to have, IMO) little to do with the act of transition. It is mostly how one feels about ones own gender, not how one chooses,or doesn't choose, to present it to the world. That is a hard concept for most non-trans people to accept, and sadly, even harder for many trans people to accept. There is room within this spectrum for your colors, too, Kenna. Finding peace of mind, and what that peace entails, is not for others to judge, but for you alone. That you seem to have found it is what is important. That you have, is something I fervently applaud.

You will always have credibility in my book, Kenna.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest]

I'm far from having your experience in life Kenna. But, to me the most important is taking care of any dysphoria and finding our true self. I feel that the way we present is only a small part (if any part at all) of our "true self".

If you found your true self, do not fake anything and no longer have any dysphoria then that's great, real great.

what you say : "but by then my feminine persona was coming forth only when I was asked to address a group."

is it that you identify as male and had a female persona or you just talk about the presentation?

I faked being a male for far too long and I am very far from myself in many many ways in life. I will give myself a couple years, maybe decades, to find what I really like, what I really am. But, contrary to what my therapists tried to force me to admit many times I have nothing against any part of our "masculine culture". It's just not me. At one point I might want, on the fashion side of things, to put cool male clothes and present in a totally different, more androgyne way. I will still be female inside, still will have many female attributes but so what? Clothes do not make the identity after all.

Anyway your experience is very valuable and I think you have a lot of credibility.

I think Caitlyn Jenner made people more aware but made us regress in many ways.

Outreach, to me, is still very necessary but maybe changed in nature.

[Guest Kenna Dixon]

what you say : "but by then my feminine persona was coming forth only when I was asked to address a group."

is it that you identify as male and had a female persona or you just talk about the presentation?

It began to feel that I had to wear a costume because I was giving a talk about being transgender. I no longer go to the trouble of dressing female otherwise.

[Alyssa Deutsch]

Kenna,

Thank you so much for sharing that insightful post. I seriously think you still have much to offer the rest of us. When I started this journey of self-discovery I wondered about being active in the trans community without transitioning, or being active before any obvious changes come about for all to see. I don't dress as a woman at all, though I will when I start treatment. It isn't a big deal to me to dress up at this stage, but it is a huge deal for me to be real to myself and with others who share our experiences.

Went to the TGQ social in Austin last night, dressed as I always do which is to say not very girly, and I had so much fun. It was like floating on a cloud, just being with our community there, even though I wasn't dressed up or "looking" trans at all. Your post today hit me in my heart. I truly appreciate it.

Thank you.

Alyssa

[Guest]

Kenna, I just had to tell you. Yesterday I was talking to my mother about fashion/beauty stuff. She have about 70 yo and she said that at her age she don't want to bother with that and take time for that. I was remembering your comment and laugh.

[Guest Kati]

Dear Kenna, I've been away from Laura's for some time so it was until today (2 August) that I finally read your posting of 11 January.

I was touched by the honesty of your message. It has been my experience that cheerleaders for the cause sometimes don't take kindly to anyone going off topic and expressing an opinion that isn't part of the accepted, expected message. I applaud your courage.

More to the point though, I'd admire the way you have negotiated this change in the direction in your approach to your life. Since six months have passed since you posted the message, I was curious if their have been further modifications in how you express who you are? Are you still following the mode of expression you outlined in your message?

Ap update would be appreciated.

All the best,

Kati

[Guest Kenna Dixon]

Since six months have passed since you posted the message, I was curious if their have been further modifications in how you express who you are? Are you still following the mode of expression you outlined in your message?

Hi, Kati...

I suppose I've become more mindful of the fact that I need to keep nourishing my transgender self even without proactively presenting it to the world via outreach. Just starting to use my real last name helped to reinforce the reality that I'm not a person walking a tightrope between two identities; I am merely someone who must, for practical purposes, maintain some minimal vestiges of a former life.

Also, although it goes against my nature, I resolved to be less private and started promoting my book by any means at my disposal. I've had three articles published by Huffington Post, created a Facebook page ("My Transgender Autobiography") and produced a promotional video for YouTube.

[Guest Kati]

Dear Kenna,

It was kind of you to provide a response to my request for an update. Thank you. I wish you well as you try to balance the competing requirements of your life.

All the best,

Kati