Say What?

[Guest Kenna Dixon]

While creating luxury condo descriptions for a real estate firm in South Florida, I began seeing some phrasing by others that struck me as funny. I started collecting it (and adding my responses):

Selling Points

(as seen on web sites advertising condominium units that cost over a million dollars)

"Entrance is offered into every residence through a beautiful double door entry or by a private elevator, eliminating the hassle that comes with those that do not."

Yeah, I hate those.

"Cafes, upscale boutiques and prestigious yacht clubs are all within an arm’s reach."

Really? Who's moving in...Godzilla?

"If you would prefer to stay indoors as opposed to outdoors and still take in the beautiful scenic view, floor to ceiling glass windows can take you outside while remaining inside."

It's magic!

"Oversize terraces beckon you to enjoy the awe-inspiring views while the amenities inside will encourage you to sit back and relax."

I really don't want that much conflict in my life.

"_____________ has been specifically designed with numerous architectural and landscaping touches."

Well, that accounts for the building and the grounds, I guess.

"The temperature controlled wine storage room stocked with an array of fine wines will ensure you always have access to a great bottle of wine."

Yes, but is there wine?

"Sweeping ocean and city views will ensure you always have something pleasant to gaze among from within the beauty of your condo."

So gaze among them to your heart's content.

"From the elevator you will step into your condo through a private entrance."

Not the one you let the public use.

"There are also appliances provided in the kitchen, including a refrigerator and an electric range."

So I don't need all this Sterno?

"Each residence on property offers owners numerous reasons to call the ____________ home."

The first one being that they live there.

"The ________________ gives you the best location from which to explore the sun…"

Is NASA aware of this?

"Top of the line appliances and many other additions await your enjoyment."

I'll be right there.

"Enter your new home through the hardwood entry door and step into the spacious living area."

Or, scale the outside of the building and force your way in from the terrace.

"As such, the property offers enough attractions and amenities that you never have to leave the grounds."

But I'm still allowed to, right?

"Oversized terraces with views of the Intracoastal or Atlantic Ocean"

Who botched the terrace dimensions?

And, from certain vantage points, views are "see through".

Those are called "windows".

[MaryEllen]

LOL Thanks for the condo humor, Kenna.

[Jennifer T]

Nice!! The appliance comment had me actually laugh out loud here at work!!

[Guest Kenna Dixon]

"One of the great features of the glorious _____________ condo is the irresistible location that comes as a great privilege to the people who live in ________________."

Wow! We get to have a location?

"Look for high end custom cabinetry, marble vanities, expansive Jacuzzi tubs and designer fixtures in the ________________residences."

Let us know if you find them.

"Because it's a part of Williams Island, the amenities and things to do is quite numerous." and "_______________'s Williams Island home essentially translates into a smorgasbord of various things you can see and do." and "Go sailing from the island marina, play tennis, ease your tense muscles with a massage at the spa, the opportunities are virtually infinite."

I think we get it.

"Explore further and you'll uncover Italian gardens, a café and a heated pool overlooking the ocean." and "Explore west of ______________ to find parks and additional recreation."

So now I'm Indiana Jones?

[Charlize]

I doubt i'd be happy with see through window views where the sea gulls could watch me from both sides. by the way how does the private elevator get through the window?

I like the farm. Rising sea levels are less of a threat here.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Kenna Dixon]

Of course, as an unkempt and disheveled pauper, I'd quickly be frog-marched off the premises.

So me writing about those places is a delicious irony.