summer anxiety

[Guest Faith gibson]

Hi everyone,

It’s been a little while since I’ve posted. The last time I posted, I was told that I just didn’t realize how many friends I had here. I hope that is true. I know that even though I’m not very good at lending a hand to others, I really do wish everyone the best and I thank you for listening to me.

This time of year is very difficult for me. I would like to unburden myself if you will allow me. I am a teacher and I live away from my home. I have done this for the last 20 years or so. (Some of you may know this). I have been living like this of course so I can live as me, which I do, except at work. Well, the end of June means the end of the school year and once again I will be spending 7 weeks at home trying desperately to fit in with how everyone sees me.

It is a very anxious time for me. Seven weeks without me being me. My heart rate increases just thinking about it. This year is a little different though. For the good I’m not sure? I just don’t know because in March, I told my spouse about myself and we’ve had some ups and downs since then. ( She is very excited for me to come home though so I am optimistic). I have been very effective in hiding things because I basically live alone for such a large part of the year.

Plus, I have started hormones. Already things are changing physically with me, and for sure mentally. My spouse also knows this.

So, my summer is going to be very different from previous ones. I still have the same anxiety as every other year but this year I will have someone watching and questioning me. I have not told my kids yet so I will again attempt to parade around as someone I’m not, but it won’t be the same and I doubt very much that I will be able to hide as effectively as I have in the past. I already have breast growth, so it’s unlikely I can go swimming or have any ‘shirt off’ experiences for example. Plus, the biggest thing will be, I am so past hiding. I want to be free and either take my lumps or bask in some acceptance for who I am.

I like who I am. I wish I were not trans, but I am, and even though it creates a lot of difficulties with just being alive, I like being Faith. Faith is a good person for the most part and I am happy being me.

Faith

Exciting times ahead.

[Guest]

I wish you the very best summer ever!

[tracy_j]

Look forward to an interesting summer. You have got the major part out of the way as your spouse is now aware so now it is working things out and steady progress to becoming you with your family. Why no swimming? Maybe just trunks are out but some form of top may work? Where there is a will there is a way!

I suggest working together with your spouse toward a relaxing break. Get to understand each other well.

Good luck Faith

Tracy x

[Charlize]

I certainly understand your anxiety from personal experience. My time at home had become very difficult. Each time i went out shopping or to a meeting i was changing and then back again when i got home. Insane pressure and fear. Like you i'm sure my blood pressure was high.

Perhaps this will be the summer when you will find a way to fully explain the depth of your feelings to your family. Often when the pain becomes too great it puts us in that position and honesty seems the best course.

Regardless of what happens have a great summer. I'm sure your love of family will make it great to be with them and who knows it may all work itself out for the best.

Keep in touch.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Cyndee]

Enjoy your summer Faith, do enjoy the changes, and a fresh perspective.

Best wishes at home with those you care about.

Cynthia -

[JJ]

You have been getting stronger as you have faced the challenges of the recent months Faith and I know that you will make it through this summer stronger yet. You and your spouse will be making adjustments and there will be some rough days but some good ones as well as she makes her way to understanding and you experience the greater freedom of having her know who who really are. Hiding and acting a role that does not fit takes so much energy- both emotionally and physically.

It's normal ot be nervous about it. It's going to be a change for everyone. But in the long run a change for the better. Just remember that this is a journey - a transition- for both of you and it will take time to work out.

I hope your summer is a time of growth and discovery for you both.

Yes, Faith is a good person who has every right to live life as herself.

Johnny

[Guest Faith gibson]

Thanks again to all of you that have responded to my posts. It has always meant a lot to me to have your support.

Faith

[bobbisue]

Faith you are right you are a good person who deserves to be free and i hope this summer brings great things a true happiness that you truly deserve all my best wishes

bobbisue

[Guest AshleighP]

I can tell from just this post that Faith is indeed a good, caring person. Otherwise you would not be so concerned about how this all is going to play out. Your anxiety is understandable, but your confidence appears stronger than ever. Praying you will have the best summer ever!

[Ravin]

I think this is something we all grapple with--fear of hurting those we love. We go through a second adolescence, but unlike the first time around, we tend to be a lot less selfish--and we suffer for it.

I know my therapist helped me come to terms with telling my family and accepting the fallout--and in the end, my fear was a whole lot worse than what actually happened.

[gennee]

Faith, in the time I've known you your growth has been amazing. Small steps are just as meaningful as large ones. It's great that your spouse knows and she seems to be supportive. Your summer will be different. I pray that it will be a joyous one for you and your family.

[Guest Faith gibson]

It was the last day of school today. I guess I will be off towards home in the next day or two. If it's alright, I will post a little of how things go when I get there.

Faith

[Charlize]

I hope you have a great summer dear. It may be difficult but it may be wonderful as well. I'll keep my fingers crossed for the latter.

Hugs,

Charlize

[WarGrowlmon1990]

I hope your summer has been going well Faith and that your family is supportive of you. I've got kids myself but they're very young. My partner and I have had our ups and downs as well over my gender, but I think he's (very slowly) coming around. Some spouses take it better than others, some take years to fully accept us, and some unfortunately never do. It's hard to think about how family and other people will react to our true selves, but being something we're not is hard to deal with too. Sorry I can't give too much helpful feedback. I'm very early in my transition and haven't even seen a gender therapist yet.