Dating while Trans

[Guest Kaylee]

Hello all,

It's been a while since I posted anything, and an update is certainly coming soon (I have an antic dote about Dr. Marci Bowers

Anyhoo, I have... I'm gonna call it an "independant survey" about dating. I was pretty shy in certain ways when I was younger. You can even see it in photos of me all the way to my early teens (kind of strange to see at this point). I certainly had no confidence when it came to girls, and even though I did have a few girlfriends in HS, I wouldn't say I actually started "dating" until I was 23, and then a lot more in my "last ditch attempt" to try and be happy without transition.

There's this theory about dating that I find to be true. When you meet someone for the first time, you are not really meeting "them"... you're meeting their "representitive". Them on their best behavior, looking their best, and trying their hardest to make a good impression. We trans-folks know this better than most... regardless of where we are along our journey.

As a result of playing "the guy" everyone thought I was all those years, I had to  behave in a manner women would generally expect a man to behave when it came to intamacy. I was expected to be the "aggressive" partner. Just another role I accepted based on gender norms.... jeez... they ruin everything. That role was never me, even though it was forced... and a lie.

Now, I'm at a point where I want to shed all of the things I've done to fit into masculine norms. This creates a little problem dating in my eye. I'm generally attracted to women but have dated a guy. I'm very attracted to trans-women, but my experience is that so many trans-women are just like me... not the type to be the more aggressive partner. (Honestly, the longer I've been on HRT, the harder it is to bring myself to deal with arguments on the phone with the bank or the insurance. Sorry, side track). I would personally prefer a more aggressive partner. Someone who will make plans, someone who will take initiative romantically/sexually. I'm tired of having to be... "the lead" in everything, and force myself to do things that don't actually come natural, if that makes sense?

Am I alone in this feeling?

Hugs,

Kaylee.

[MarcieMarie12]

I'm dating another MTF, we are both trans. I'd say our relationship I'm the less aggressive, but they are definitely the more submissive. It is kind of weird dichotomy, but it works out. We've been dating since March, so something must be working. They also stay at my place since it is closer to everything in DC. I am definitely the one making plans for the weekend, and they just want to be with me. As to the arguing on the phone, I am too laid back ot care about most things, but put me in a corner and I will push back. I'm actually more inclined to reason with the person in a calm manner. I've found that approach works with 90% of the problems I've had. Of the remainder, most of it was not worth my time or effort, I just choose to take my money elsewhere.

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

17 hours ago, Kaylee said:

Someone who will make plans, someone who will take initiative romantically/sexually. I'm tired of having to be... "the lead" in everything, and force myself to do things that don't actually come natural, if that makes sense?

Totally! I'm the exact same way for the reasons you have mentioned. I've done my time in the boyfriend role and by golly, now that I'm a girl, I want to be the girlfriend in a relationship! I never liked being in charge anyway.

[Charlize]

I've been fortunate because, while she denies it, my wife is quite forceful in most instances.  Now that we are two women the dynamics have been interesting.  We have become more partners than many  couples.  As far as decisions we are more equal than ever post transition.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

[Guest]

Well, I'm not dating, I've been married what seems like all my life. LOL My wife can be quite aggressive which is nice. I don't want to always be dominated but I also don't want to always be the dominant either.

Also, you have me curious about Dr Bower. She's not far from me and I plan to see her at some point in the relatively near future.....

[VickySGV]

1 hour ago, Fiona said:

Also, you have me curious about Dr Bower. She's not far from me and I plan to see her at some point in the relatively near future.....

What do you want to know?  Marci was my "surgical mama"!!  Nearly 4 years by now!!

 

[Guest Kaylee]

Well Fiona, regarding Marci Bowers. I went up to see her about 2 months ago. I live in San Bernardino county, so it's a bit of a distance. Sweet sweet lady. I'd gone up regarding only an Orchiectomy, and while I was filling out paperwork, she offered me home baked Banana bread.... sooooo yummy.

Sadly, I would have to wait a full year (beyond what was already 6 months at the time) just for an Orchi, so that won't happen with her. She's so busy, 3 years to schedule GCS with her, according to the office girls a few weeks back.

[Guest]

I was afraid of that, even her website talks about a long waiting list. :/

Vicky, Kaylee had mentioned that she had a story about the Doc and I was curious.....

[VickySGV]

Finally found it, -- actually an inside note on Marci's waiting list is that people who have scheduled with her back out fairly often, either by going to another surgeon, or medical / emotional / insurance issues come up, and they will fill the booked surgery hours at the hospital with patients who have said they could be on stand-by.  That happened to me and I was 8 months instead of the year that it was back then.  She mentioned that when I saw her in September at a Trans* conference.

[MarcieMarie12]

That is interesting. My GT and I have been in discussion about it (I'm with Kaiser and they are covering it in 2017). I am looking at trying to get the surgery in late July early August. Kaiser works with Bowers, and she might be on the list. I was hoping to stay local with Dr. Rachel Bluebond in Baltimore--but Kaiser's is still getting set up with her.