Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Alex Blitzen

Trying

Recommended Posts

Alex Blitzen

Trying really hard to be okay

But I just feel like running away

Want to drink to forget

Trying to kill the pain

 

I can't seem to function anymore

My mind is constantly at war

Want to hide away

Trying to stay sane

 

I can't eat; I can't sleep

Trying not to weep

Want to die

Trying to fight against my brain

Share this post


Link to post
Timber Wolf

Hi Alex,

I'm going to reply to both this poem and "I Hate Me" here.

You are in a dark place right now, dear friend. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. It's the light of hope. Today it may appear so distant and dim that it seems it must be an illusion, but it's there, and it's real. A little over 10 years ago, I was strung out on drugs from a horrible relapse, lost and confused in a pit of my own dispair, feeling like my world had come to it's end. I looked for that faint glimmer of hope. I saw it, though it looked so distant and dim, I didn't think I could ever get to it. I didn't even know if it was real. But anything was better than where I was, so I reached out for it, and my hand was taken, and I was drawn to that hope. There were people in that light of hope, other addicts who had been where I was, and found a way out of that horrible pit and had found a new way of life. These people were members of Narcotics Anonymous. They promised they would love me until I could love myself, and that's just what they did. They had found thier way to recovery from addiction together, and that's how I found my way, with them, together. Together with them, I have done something I have never done before. I have stayed clean for over 10 years! Doctors, religion, and family couldn't do that for me, but fellow recovering addicts could! TOGETHER!

 

Last winter, having recently accepted that I was transgender, I again found myself awash in a pit of dispair. I hated my body. I hated my world. I felt ashamed of what I am. I was alone, and I was afraid. I was having suicidal thoughts. Once again, I sought that dim glimmer of hope and reached out for it. Once again, my hand was taken, and I was drawn to that light of hope. There were people in that light, other transgender people who understood where I was from from there own experience and supported and helped eachother in thier transgender lives, TOGETHER! I had found Laura's, and shortly after, I found a transgender AA group. They've been here for me, and once again I was loved until I could love myself. There is nothing to be ashamed of in being transgender. This is who we are. This is how we were born. We are not bad or perverted people. And our addiction is a disease, we did not choose it. As addicts, we are good people who have a bad problem. We are here for you Alex, and we will love you until you can love yourself. In fact, we'll keep loving you even after that! We can make it TOGETHER!

Never be afraid or ashamed to seek professional help. This is a lot for us to go through without guidance. 

Lots of love and a big hug,

Timber Wolf?

Share this post


Link to post
Alex Blitzen

Thank you Timber Wolf, this helps.

Share this post


Link to post
Charlize

Alex, Like you i tried to let go with alcohol.  I learned in recovery that perhaps my gender issues were not the reason for my drinking but i have also seen many who are having gender issues have substance issues as well.  Somehow i thought i could avoid the pain that was being caused by my fear of simply finding out about and then accepting myself.  I, like Timber Wolf, found Laura's but before then had found the fellowship of AA.  It took time but once i was sober i began to step out.  I was amazed that when i came out with my home group i found only support rather than the ridicule or criticism i so feared.  Laura's was another great step forward.  Other trans* alcoholics as well as simply folks who had been through such similar experiences.  I wasn't alone!  Now i also have several meetings i attend with trans* folks from all around the world in an A/V setting.  I've actually found some peace with myself and the world without alcohol.  I could have never seen that coming.  If i hadn't at first reached out i couldn't have even made the first step.

Glad your here.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Share this post


Link to post
Briana
On 11/20/2016 at 6:20 AM, Timber Wolf said:

But there is light at the end of the tunnel. It's the light of hope. Today it may appear so distant and dim that it seems it must be an illusion, but it's there, and it's real.

Hi Alex, if you see one thing in all that's written above by our friends, let it be this statement I quoted above that Timberwolf wrote.  From there, I believe everything else that both Timberwolf and Charlize wrote is based on this - that there is hope and that it's real.  Reaching out for help takes you closer and closer to that hope, and the help you need.  Find that campus or community based addition recovery support group and give it a try.  I think you'll be surprised, happy, and pleased with the sense of community and comaraderie that you'll find.  I also think you'll find a sense of purpose that will help you move forward. 

The last thing Charlize said above was;

36 minutes ago, Charlize said:

If i hadn't at first reached out i couldn't have even made the first step.

I feel that you've reached out to the people on this forum here.  Both Timber & Charlize have given you some good info.  Take that next step towards hope and that better life you're looking for.

Share this post


Link to post

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   2 Members, 0 Anonymous, 91 Guests (See full list)

    • Petra Jane
    • BorderTerrierFan
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      71,387
    • Total Posts
      648,827
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      7,083
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Kelly Cross
    Newest Member
    Kelly Cross
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Aster Kadish
      Aster Kadish
      (15 years old)
  • Posts

    • Susan R
      You and me both, Charlotte! I can’t tell you how many times I purged growing up. My last purge in 1996 and was a great loss to me. It was by far the most substantial  purge I had ever made. Eventually, we all have to accept ourselves or continue this costly cycle. Some of us are able to postpone acceptance and the cycle for a time but it usually comes at some emotional cost. You sound like you're at a good place with your self acceptance and being comfortable with your routine for now. If you ever require additional support, this forum is a good resource for that. I’m glad you joined us today and hope to hear more about your journey.   Warmest Regards, Susan R🌷
    • Susan R
      Hi @Tess1968...nice to have you onboard. With some effort and time, you’ll find the support you need and maybe a few friends along the way. Warmest Regards, Susan R🌷
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://modernmilitary.org/2020/07/116-lawmakers-call-for-an-end-to-the-trump-pence-transgender-military-ban/     Carolyn Marie
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://www.kxl.com/transgender-man-attacked-in-wilsonville/     Carolyn Marie
    • Hellothere
      Idk what else to title this ha ha   I  had a therapy appointment todau. Shes the third therapist now. Im like losing hope on finding a good one. First one was sevey under educated on trans topics, wasted a year. Second was WAY to pushy for hormones. Thisone. Idk how i feel yet. She seemed done with me at times. But she was perfectly nice and understanding. Asked questions, the usual. Seems decently trans educated. Idk if its my lack of fairh or...? Ill kerp with her till im sure. I just dunno. It mught be my trust issues too. Or that its through a screen. Like she was nice and all i kust. Ahh idk. Idk maybe she just woke up? Maybe she didnt get sllep. She just seemed tired at some answers.  Im torn between dustrust and my giving benefit of the doubtness.      Aaaaa therapy js stressful sometimes. 
    • KymmieL
      Well had a great ride to Scottsbluff, NE. Had to return my grandsons headphones. Yeap just had to get them back to him. LOL. He was at his other grandmas. but we got to see our middle son and his girlfriend(wife) and my youngest grandson.   Kymmie
    • MetaLicious
      @ShawnaLeigh, divine bovine, girl! It doesn't seem that long ago you were just starting your journey... This is a major milestone! Congratulations to you! I am so happy for you! You are an inspiration to me.  Things have been going so slowly for me, but I hope Maryland will be a great place for the new me. Hearing about your progress helps keep me going. 
    • JustineM
      Well I’ve been in the gym for about 2 weeks now. Met with the personal trainer earlier this week and he was actually really nice. Discussed my goals and he didn’t even blink when discussing me being transgender. The only real reaction was suggesting heavier weight training for my legs to tone and get some curves.    On a side note; OH girl my body aches lol. 
    • Janae
      Welcome Charlotte!  I purged while I was trying to understand who I was.  I found this place over a year ago, and it has helped immensely knowing that I am not alone.  I think you will find everyone to be friendly. Hugs Janae
    • Carolyn Marie
      Welcome to Trans Pulse, Tess.  I can tell that you're a bit shy, but if and when you feel like telling us a little more about yourself, we'll be here for you.  Like my friend Cyndee said, please look around and ask lots of questions.   HUGS   Carolyn Marie
    • Charlotte Sparkle
      As a forty something male who has been cross-dressing since my early teens and has suffered at times with gender dysphoria, I have often thought about a way of identifying on the transgender spectrum.    Am I correct to use the label 'transgender guy' or am I just a plain old  'crossdresser'?   The reason I ask is that despite no immediate need to transition I do often wish I had a woman's body.  I love all things feminine such as clothing, heels, jewellery, perfumes, makeup and hairstyles.  Often if I see a woman with a hairstyle I like I'm wishing I could have my hair like that too.  It's the same when I see a women wearing something nice or with nice makeup  I wish I could look like that too.   Seeing a woman wearing something nice, often I'll think about the outfit for days on end and sometimes I've ended up buying similar clothes to re-create the look myself.  As a result of this I've spent an absolute fortune and run out of wardrobe space. As I've got older I've felt the need to look more feminine whenever I dress and this often triggers gender dysphoria   Thanks for reading, any feedback would be much appreciated.   Lotte x
    • Carolyn Marie
      Welcome to Trans Pulse, Lotte.  I certainly understand where you're coming from.  Buying and purging was something I did a lot of back in the day.  Some other ideas on dressing discretely include putting clear coat on your nails and wearing an ankle bracelet.  I even found a pair of low heel women's ankle boots that passed as men's boots.  Just have to be sure they don't have all the buckles and such on them.   Please have a look around and ask whatever questions come to mind.   HUGS   Carolyn Marie
    • JustineM
      Good evening ladies and gentlemen! Relaxing after work and binge watching “I am Jazz”. Thinking about painting my toes, but not too hard lol. Just got to decide what color to do. 
    • Dinaki
    • Charlotte Sparkle
      Hi, I'm a forty something male from Merseyside in the UK who is at times lost in the pink fog.  I've been cross-dressing since my early teens and came out to my Wife and close family a few years ago.    For years I've spent silly amounts of money on womens clothing, heels, jewellery and makeup.   I love all things feminine and in particular anything sparkly, black patent leather,  floral dresses,  sequin dresses, fluffy sweaters,  leggings, pretty tops, skirts, high heels, silver jewellery,  metallic eye-shadows, nail polishes.   I have had several purges over the years but I seldom get rid of anything nowadays as I know I'll only be looking for it again.  As a result I struggle for space in the bedroom as my feminine stuff takes up more space than my normal male clothing and my wardrobes are bursting at the seems and I'm now having to store some stuff in my attic.   I don't get as much opportunity to dress nowadays but I'm able to cope by wearing womens deodorants, shaving my body hair and having my ears pierced.   Like most cross-dressers my taste in clothing has changed over the years and I much prefer feminine looking attire nowadays rather than tarty stuff although I do like party wear outfits from time to time (lots of sequins, glitter and sparkle).   Bye for now   Lotte x            
  • Upcoming Events

×
×
  • Create New...