My coming out story

[Guest JuliaJem]

I feel like a bubble ready to burst!

I'm planning on coming out to my brother and his wife in the next couple of days, because I can't stand not doing nothing about who I am.

Coming out to them shouldn't be so bad, especially with my sister-in-law as she is part of the LGBTQ community. It will be interesting how my brother reacts. It won't be as bad as my mother reacted, but still a bit nervous about it. This is really has been a long time coming since I've come out to my parents and the family I live with in California.

Just general history of people, I've come out to is as follows: My brother I first came out to and he was extremely supportive about it. There are a couple of friends on project I came out to, and they were both super supportive of me and actually made me feel more comfortable in believing that I could be myself around them. I actually had the courage to join the forums here and introduce myself and begin to attend a few meetings at my local LGBTQ center. Then come around before Easter of last year, I came out to my little sister and family friend that I also live with. It initially went well, in that the didn't freak out and kick me out. Then right after Easter, my family friend told me that my little sister was not okay with me being transgender, and that she herself was not as comfortable with it too. That was beginning of knocking me on my ass. I had started to see a gender therapist, which offset the negative emotions somewhat.

Then my parents came to visit. It was my plan to come out to them, and I did. It was an utter disaster. I came out to my mom first, and she completely rejected that I could be anything but her son, because that is how god made me. It was a pretty bitter discussion, but I've been the second black sheep of the family ever since I stopped practicing Christianity. I came out to my dad a day later, and he took it a lot better than my mom, in fact it was better for me to be transgender than gay. As he put it he would have an easier wrapping his head around that concept.  

They ended up disappearing for rest of the day to go talk about "my issue" without me even though we were supposed to do dinner. I was left feeling upset, angry, sad and broken. Rest of their trip, I was able to talk to my friends about it, but I was kind of numbed by the experience and fell of the map afterwards, stopped posting on here and going to my trans support group. I just kind of floated by pushing this side of me to the back, because it felt like losing my family would ruin me and I would have no one else in my life.

I pushed through some really tough depression, and with the help of my therapist realized that I need to start living for myself. I've been doing little things here and there that allow me to be more feminine. So I'm getting a lot closer to coming out publicly, but I need to come out to my brother and sister-in-law first and my best friend that I grew up with.

It is scary and exciting all at once. I'm afraid of losing people I'm close to, but I can't live my life the way they want me to be. I want to be the quirky, weird individual that I am and not sacrifice that to make others comfortable.

Thanks for listening,

Julia

[Charlize]

Thank you for sharing Julia.  I lived much of my life living to fulfill the desires of others by denying my gender issues to "fit in" to what was desired by others.  I eventually became addicted to alcohol although i used many substances before finding my way to that easily available and "socially acceptable" way out.  A miracle occurred and i found sobriety with the help of many wonderful people.  Some time later i began to find honesty with myself and then slowly made the slow and difficult decision to come out to those i loved the most.  I was willing to give up everything simply because i knew after therapy and time that it was necessary.  Fortunately i didn't loose the farm (literally).  It hasn't been easy but for me it was worth the effort.  

Simply knowing that others had moved along the path and survived helped. 

At one point one of the Mods here said "i've got your back" and it was enough to make the steps i needed to make.

Remember your not alone.  Being true to yourself is a blessing but it may well be the hardest work you've done.  For me it was worth it.

Oh yes i've got your back.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[tracy_j]

Keep going Julia!

At times it does get hard and really worrying, but there are always people around who want to be friends. I found the people who have the most problems with change are the ones we know best. They have a picture of who we are and find any change difficult. New friends do not have such a fixed picture so change comes easier. Don't forget that everyone may feel hurt for a while. It takes time!

Tracy

[Cindy Truheart]

One thing that you said stood out to me.

"I pushed through some really tough depression, and with the help of my therapist realized that I need to start living for myself."

I've been living for others my entire life. For my parents, friends, society, the government, my wife. It has been a struggle for me to even admit this because I was taught that love and acceptance was conditional on my acting the way everyone expected me to act. I was under a lot of mistaken impressions about things for how trans* people interact with others and our places in society. I struggle with this still. I expect that I will always struggle with it.

But you are right. I like to think about it like being in an airplane when the oxygen masks drop from the ceiling. You're supposed to put yours on first, then help others. I think that we weren't taught that rule. I think we have been struggling just to breathe, just to survive, while we helped others by not causing them distress. I agree, it's time to start living for ourselves. I look forward to finally getting to the point of loving myself for once.

Much love girl, thanks for the post! Remember, we are always here for you.

[MarcieMarie12]

I wonder what is in our nature to neglect ourselves for other people in our lives. Is it that we suppress who we are so that we do not disturb others or we just don't care due to dysphoria and just with what anyone else wants us to do?

 

[Cyndee]

27 minutes ago, MarcieMarie12 said:

I wonder what is in our nature to neglect ourselves for other people in our lives. Is it that we suppress who we are so that we do not disturb others or we just don't care due to dysphoria and just with what anyone else wants us to do?

 

I read this a book somewhere, and it applied to me quite fittingly, when I was hiding myself. 

"I had to fake it, to make it" 

[VickySGV]

I had my first inkling of what was really going on with me in the early 1950's when the only models of Trans* folk were tabloid or pornography magazine attractions.  From those sources, it was a pretty grim situation and there were things about the people that I knew were SOOOOO   MUCHHHH different from what I was that I only briefly allowed myself to see the similarities then.  In addition, my family was one of those who was covering up deep dark secrets of many sorts, including addiction and co-dependency.  Since our family addicts were not the "pitiful street addicts" lurking in alleys type of character, I did not connect to that problem either.  Instead it was insisted that I put on the face of a proper upper upper middle class son and the family dynamic was such that I played the role without much thinking.  It was playing that role that nearly lead me to my first mental breakdown, with possible suicide in the mix when I was deep into male puberty.  

[Briana]

Hey Julia nice post.  You go!  I think for the most part, people will accept.  There's not a lot you can do about those that don't.  When it comes to family, especially mom & dad, their love and acceptance of you should be unconditional.  While you can help them to understand and express your love to them, it's really up to them to 'come around'. 

(I will say when it comes to spouses/significant others, I have a bit of a different view.  If they know up front, ok.  But if not and at some point in the relationship one comes out to them, expecting them to fully accept and embrace is unrealistic leaning towards narcissistic.) 

44 minutes ago, MarcieMarie12 said:

I wonder what is in our nature to neglect ourselves for other people in our lives.

Interesting thought.  I think it applies to many people, not just those that are transgender people.  Many people alter or adjust their behavior to fit in - to do what they think others expect of them.  And I don't think it's so much that we neglect ourselves.  Many times I think it's because we haven't taken the steps to understand ourselves; figure out what and who we are.  Like it or not, many times our 'suffering' is self-imposed.  Like most humans, as a group we have a hard time accepting that; that many of our issues we caused ourselves.  It's difficult looking in the mirror and honestly assessing ourselves, but it's necessary I believe. 

[Cindy Truheart]

6 hours ago, Briana said:

Many people alter or adjust their behavior to fit in - to do what they think others expect of them.  And I don't think it's so much that we neglect ourselves.  Many times I think it's because we haven't taken the steps to understand ourselves; figure out what and who we are.  Like it or not, many times our 'suffering' is self-imposed.  Like most humans, as a group we have a hard time accepting that; that many of our issues we caused ourselves.  It's difficult looking in the mirror and honestly assessing ourselves, but it's necessary I believe. 

I can agree with this to a certain extent, I have done a lot of damage to myself because I couldn't accept who I am.

But I also can't ignore the fact that I may have never gotten to the point of hurting myself if I hadn't dealt with so much rejection at such a young age. Fitting in wasn't just about going with the flow, I had to do it to survive. Once it became a method of survival, to stop being beaten up by bullies, to stop my drunken father from knocking me around, to stop from almost being murdered (happened twice), then it stopped being 'going with the flow' and instead became necessary for my continued existence. It was a hop, skip, and a jump to the next stage of self-hate because nobody was like me and obviously I had been born wrong, which brought me to denial and repression. Understand that I grew up in a small, rural town in a very conservative area.

So I agree that we all need to look in the mirror and assess ourselves honestly to start down the path of accepting who we are. But I was taught to hate myself. I was taught to be ashamed of who I am. Not because of people giving funny looks made me feel bad. It was survival. And I can't help but believe that maybe it was the same way for others as it was for me.

[Aanzinaago'Stephanie]

13 hours ago, Cindy Truheart said:

And I can't help but believe that maybe it was the same way for others as it was for me.

Hi Cindy, it is. Your story is very similar to mine. My biological mother abandoned me at a young age. The parents I ngrew up with were alcoholic, verbally and physically abusive. To survive, I conditioned my behaviour so that I adapted to my environment. I learn to be someone I wasn't so I wouldn't get in trouble. High school was brutal as a gay teen. And, unfortunately, by then, I willingly went into abusive relationships because it felt more normal than a relationship that was normal. My last relationship ended with my ex being arrested for domestic violence. So, for sure, you are not alone in describing that it can be used as a survival mechanism.

*hugs*

[Guest Alicia Rose]

I'm glad you started seeing a Gender Therapist, because it's important to have someone 100% on your side and wanting you to express yourself that you can talk to in person. I'm sorry to hear about your unsupportive parents. It's important for you to feel able to express yourself and live an authentic life.

You deserve to be happy. You deserve to live an authentic live, open and free and to have loving friends by your side. And one day you will. Loneliness is my biggest worry but I'm learning that it's not about making friends, it's about being true to ourselves and living our lives. Friends will come.

 

 

 

[Guest JuliaJem]

Thank you all for your kind words and support! It really means so much to me. It does give me the courage to be myself more and more.

I just finished talking with my brother and sister-in-law, and it went extremely well. They were super supportive of me being transgender. The nervousness never really goes away when you come out to people close to you, but the relief of being able to talk about it is so great.

Hugs,

Julia