Surgery

[Guest ZombieDracula]

I am non binary (genderqueer I guess is the closest term for my identity but genderfluid also fits, so I just stick with non binary). Lately I have been thinking of surgery which is a complete removal of my reproductive organs and getting closed up (I am AFAB). I do want kids with my boyfriend (we're sure we're going to be together a long time) but after that, I want it all gone. I don't like having the organs and I know I'd feel better without it. But then I don't know how my boyfriend would take it though. I have not yet talked to him about this and I don't plan to just yet because there's lots of other things going on (like me working a fairly new job and such). I just needed a place to put this down and what other greater place than Trans Pulse to do that with people that get it. 

~ ZD ~

[VickySGV]

Your thoughts on this one do fit very well here.  The old adage on this is "Make Haste Slowly!!".  My 3 kids were in their late 30's before my surgery even came around for consideration.  Having children does not make you a better person as I have found out the hard way.  When the time is right, share your needs and goals with your partner, and make it a dialogue along with how you will parent any children you want to have because parenting is difficult and all too many parents do not have a clue on how to do it, but do not understand that.  The result is children literally thrown away by incompetent parents.  Good luck and good planning.

[Jani]

Hello ZD.  This is something to surely have a deep discussion about with your boyfriend.  Beyond the desire to have children, do you consider yourself asexual?  I ask because of your comment "getting closed up".  Removing the reproductive bits is common from my understanding but I'm not sure about removal or closure of the vaginal canal.  Erogenous bits may or may be not affected.  Something else to think of.  

Also, like with GRS for MtF's your surgeon may require letters recommending you for the surgery.  I found these requirements at an insurance company site, which sound like they mirror WPATH recommendations.  

Requirements for gonadectomy (hysterectomy and oophorectomy):

1. Two referral letters from qualified mental health professionals, one in a purely evaluative role (see appendix); and
2. Persistent, well-documented gender dysphoria; and
3. Capacity to make a fully informed decision and to consent for treatment; and
4. Age of majority (18 years or older); and
5. If significant medical or mental health concerns are present, they must be reasonably well controlled.

Sounds like you have a lot to think and talk about, but you do have time.  I wish you well.  

Jani

[RikkiWilson]

I am back on site now and just want to state that I'll be replying soon! Sometime in August I tried logging in and my account wasn't  active anymore and when I tried signing up again I never got an email and tonight decided to try logging on with my new phone and it worked. So hello again and I'll post a response within a week. ?? Glad to be back. 

 

~ZD~

[tracy_j]

I am sorry you have had problems. There have been a few adjustments and in the process a few accounts accidently got deleted. It is all sorted now, but has resulted in a few members having to sign in again.

 

Glad you are back

 

 

Tracy

[Jani]

I'm glad you made it back.  Yes we had an issue, but it's fixed now.  We'd love to hear how life is going,

 

Jani

[Ravin]

It is perfectly reasonable to both put off such changes in order to make your family happen, and to have that surgery once you are done with the usefulness of those organs.

 

My son (the younger of my 2 kids) was an infant when I figured out my trans stuff, and I feel pretty strongly that part of why the realization came together for me when it did was because I also knew I was done having biological children after my son was born. I timed my medical transition in part to accommodate his needs--I waited until he was over 3 years old to start HRT so that it didn't interfere with lactation. I had no hesitation or regrets about getting top surgery once I was done with that because those parts that were useful to me, though not always comfortable, were no longer useful. 

 

I haven't had a hysto myself, opting for less invasive uterine ablation to end my periods instead (though thanks to the Mirena IUD I didn't actually have to deal with periods for years before that except for a couple of months while actively trying to get pregnant with my son).

 

As far as your boyfriend's feelings: when in a committed relationship, family planning decisions are something best made together. That's part of a healthy committed relationship. However, once you are done having children, what you do with your body for your own comfort and well being is none of your boyfriend's business. It's not like he can see your uterus and ovaries! Their presence or absence has exactly zero affect on him. Now, if you're talking about top surgery, or vaginectomy, that can have some effect on intimacy with a partner, so it's important to talk about ahead of time--but it's still your body and ultimately the decision is yours, not his. In my case, my husband was not thrilled about my top surgery, but understood that I had to do what I had to do whether he liked it or not. With plenty of lead time to adjust to the idea, hopefully your boyfriend will come around to the same mindset.

[RikkiWilson]

On 7/23/2017 at 9:14 PM, VickySGV said:

Your thoughts on this one do fit very well here.  The old adage on this is "Make Haste Slowly!!".  My 3 kids were in their late 30's before my surgery even came around for consideration.  Having children does not make you a better person as I have found out the hard way.  When the time is right, share your needs and goals with your partner, and make it a dialogue along with how you will parent any children you want to have because parenting is difficult and all too many parents do not have a clue on how to do it, but do not understand that.  The result is children literally thrown away by incompetent parents.  Good luck and good planning.

 

We already agree on a lot about how we plan to parent which is fantastic. There are some disagreements but overall those are super minimal in comparison. 

 

I'm nearly 27 now, and he's 27. We're both definitely going slow with the parent thing. I may never get the surgery I want because of age, but I certainly hope I will one day. 

 

~Rikki

[RikkiWilson]

On 7/23/2017 at 9:22 PM, Jani said:

Hello ZD.  This is something to surely have a deep discussion about with your boyfriend.  Beyond the desire to have children, do you consider yourself asexual?  I ask because of your comment "getting closed up".  Removing the reproductive bits is common from my understanding but I'm not sure about removal or closure of the vaginal canal.  Erogenous bits may or may be not affected.  Something else to think of.  

Also, like with GRS for MtF's your surgeon may require letters recommending you for the surgery.  I found these requirements at an insurance company site, which sound like they mirror WPATH recommendations.  

Requirements for gonadectomy (hysterectomy and oophorectomy):

1. Two referral letters from qualified mental health professionals, one in a purely evaluative role (see appendix); and
2. Persistent, well-documented gender dysphoria; and
3. Capacity to make a fully informed decision and to consent for treatment; and
4. Age of majority (18 years or older); and
5. If significant medical or mental health concerns are present, they must be reasonably well controlled.

Sounds like you have a lot to think and talk about, but you do have time.  I wish you well.  

Jani

 

I am asexual (well on the ace spectrum) in the sense of not finding people sexually attractive (except by BF - now a fiancee) and also aromantic. But I also don't like sex in general (cannot be 100 percent if I would have been this way without trauma or not). I haven't talked to him at all about this but he knows I'm trans even though he doesn't get it and he knows my past so it won't come as a shock but he'd probably struggle with the thought of it. We're both fairly open minded though so even if I did get the surgery, it wouldn't horribly effect our relationship. 

 

Going by those guidelines - with letters then I more than likely could get the surgery. I doubt my insurance would pay for it but at least I would be able to get letters. The dysphoria has been bothering me more recently since he is away and I have no idea if it'll go away when he's home or stay. I'm also dealing with a physical problem which could just be my issue and making it worse. I'm not sure. 

 

When I'm comfortable bringing it up with my non gender counselor I will discuss this will her because it's probably something I should have brought up a long time ago (she knows about my gender but not about the surgery I want). 

 

~Rikki

[Jani]

Hey Rikki.  That's good that your partner and you are of a similar mindset.  I would definitely bring up your questions with your NG counselor.  I think its good to keep all my healthcare providers on the same page.   

 

Jani

[RikkiWilson]

On 9/19/2017 at 7:56 PM, Ravin said:

It is perfectly reasonable to both put off such changes in order to make your family happen, and to have that surgery once you are done with the usefulness of those organs.

 

My son (the younger of my 2 kids) was an infant when I figured out my trans stuff, and I feel pretty strongly that part of why the realization came together for me when it did was because I also knew I was done having biological children after my son was born. I timed my medical transition in part to accommodate his needs--I waited until he was over 3 years old to start HRT so that it didn't interfere with lactation. I had no hesitation or regrets about getting top surgery once I was done with that because those parts that were useful to me, though not always comfortable, were no longer useful. 

 

I haven't had a hysto myself, opting for less invasive uterine ablation to end my periods instead (though thanks to the Mirena IUD I didn't actually have to deal with periods for years before that except for a couple of months while actively trying to get pregnant with my son).

 

As far as your boyfriend's feelings: when in a committed relationship, family planning decisions are something best made together. That's part of a healthy committed relationship. However, once you are done having children, what you do with your body for your own comfort and well being is none of your boyfriend's business. It's not like he can see your uterus and ovaries! Their presence or absence has exactly zero affect on him. Now, if you're talking about top surgery, or vaginectomy, that can have some effect on intimacy with a partner, so it's important to talk about ahead of time--but it's still your body and ultimately the decision is yours, not his. In my case, my husband was not thrilled about my top surgery, but understood that I had to do what I had to do whether he liked it or not. With plenty of lead time to adjust to the idea, hopefully your boyfriend will come around to the same mindset.

 

So a lot has changed since you wrote your comment. But starting with what you wrote - I had to google what a uterine ablation is. I hope it worked for you and continues to work for you! 

 

I'm glad your husband is understanding. That really can help long term! 

 

I'll be on T within the next 2 weeks (my new appointment is next Tuesday and it was supposed to be the 17th oops [hoops ish]). T alone was enough for him to walk away (there were other problems of course like him not being happy for a long time but I didn't really fully realize it until after he dumped me). [Also a general note - even though it's the T that gave him a push to end it, I'd be super thankful if no one called him a bad person for ending it].

 

I do want some surgery but other than top surgery, I am not 100 percent sure my bottom "dysphoria" is gender related. My top dysphoria is 100 percent gender related though. Surgery regardless would be way into the far future anyway. So this isn't a huge focus for me.

 

Now that I am single again, more than likely I won't have kids. So I at least no longer need to worry about that either. 

 

On 4/15/2018 at 9:39 PM, Jani said:

Hey Rikki.  That's good that your partner and you are of a similar mindset.  I would definitely bring up your questions with your NG counselor.  I think its good to keep all my healthcare providers on the same page.   

 

Jani

 

I've been talking to her more recently as well as starting the informed consent process for T. I've switched my NG counseling appointments to weekly while I navigate T. I am not able to move forward with my other stuff until this is off my plate, but I got a decent enough support system in place just in case. And if T makes me "system" (body and mind. My counselor calls it that lol) out of whack I guess, I plan to stop (after talking to my doctor of course) it and figure out where to go from there to be safe in all ways. I am glad informed consent exists though. 

 

Also again sorry it's taken me so long to respond to everything lol

[Jani]

Rikki I'm sorry to hear your relationship has ended.  Being in a relationship with a trans person is difficult, and it's challenging at best so no one would think ill of your former boyfriend.  

 

Congratulations on your upcoming appointment for T.  I hope it goes as you expect.  Concerning your surgery plan I can only imagine you are speaking about your dysphoria with your gender therapist to help you sort it out and so you can determine what direction you may take.  

 

All my doctors seem to take a holistic approach recognizing the body and mind are one system.  I appreciate it.  Informed consent is great.  We're all different of course but from what you've written I believe you will most likely benefit from the addition of T.   

 

No need to apologize for the time between updates!   We know there are other facets of your life that take precedence. 

 

Cheers, Jani