frustrated with parents

[Melisa snep]

I should have known better that to trust my mom. So 2 years ago i came out to her. With the instructions not to tell any one... that one little simple request. I was planing on coming out one by one to every one i know when the time i felt was right. Well a few days after that she says "i told your dad, he said he was trying not to be angry".  After that fun mess i went to a gender therapist for 6 months. Got my HRT letter and started my mint pill collection.   ugh  What sparked drama today was she said she looked up my therapist nd its was just a life coach... that im just trying to do what my freinds where doing ad that it was unhealthy.      Im trying so hard to keep my family near but this -crap-.. I cant keep dealing with it.     A while back some one tried to blackmail me. My sister stomped that out for me.. so during the crap with my mom i texted my sister and asked.. come to find out my mom told her and my dad behind my back.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Melisa,

I'm sorry you're having difficulty with your family. That is a risk we must take when we come out. 

 

The only thing I know to do with someone who talks behind my back is to not tell them anything I wouldn't want the rest of the world to know. I wish I could give you some better advice than that.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[Charlize]

My parents had died many years prior to my transition.  I am certain that my fathers reaction would have been swift and i would have been no longer welcome at the family farm at the very least.  They were from an earlier generation that was not accepting to say the least.  In many ways i have to understand that and let it go.  They had their own lives to live and i have mine.  The knowledge of their disapproval has certainly never left me.  I faced the same issues with my adult son and my wife.  I simply can't change their feelings and beliefs but i can accept that and move forward to live as myself.  In time i've found acceptance.  

Hopefully you will find the same with your family.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[TessaOKC]

Hi Melisa,

 

First of all I really want to commend you for doing what you thought was the right thing and at least trying to inform your mother. Once family knows, they will a lot of times feel traumatized and that's where the trouble begins. Even parents with the best of intentions will "Need someone to talk to" and will be unable to keep such sensitive information to themselves. Your mom is apparently no different.

 

Perhaps you may be willing to accept that this is just the way they are going to handle this. "Willing to accept"  just means you are able to say, "I love my parents but I know they don't like me being transgender and will not be supportive and will most likely talk behind my back". If you accept your own version of this then it may make it easier to rationalize dealing with them in the future. 

 

My own example would be, "I am willing to accept that my Mother doesn't like me being transgender, she will not support me and thinks I'm making a big mistake". I make this decision based on the fact that I love my Mother and want her in my life regardless of how she feels. However, keeping in mind her position with my transition I will only give her limited information and will certainly try to educate her along the way. It's kind of a self preservation thing. I know how they are, I accept how they are,  and will give them no power to influence my self esteem,  my future goals or my moods from day to day. Make sense? I am a hyper sensitive person and this is one of the only ways I have found being able to deal with negativity of family members.

 

The transition business on our behalf is probably the most stressful thing we can endure. I'm so sorry you feel betrayed just remember they are making a transition as well. Small little tiny baby steps is sometimes the best way to break them in, only you know what will really work. Having some tools with you to deal with the problems of transition will really help and will take the power from them and put you back in control.

 

Congratulations on your new life and I'm very proud of you. It's like the the character Rocket from "Guardians of the Galaxy" movie said. "Ain't nobody like me, but me !" Be proud of who you are, you're going where you're going and whether you realize it not, you are a human being filled with courage and nothing is going to stop you!!!!

 

My best thoughts to you Melisa !

 

Tess

 

 

[Melisa snep]

what real %^&* me off is they gladly paid for the therapist.. but now are saying its a bs diagnosis.. So  they where only ok with therapy if it could "cure" this mess...     thats just screwed up.

[DenimAndLace]

Sorry your family is being difficult.  ...And welcome to a VERY large segment of the trans community.

 

1 hour ago, Melisa snep said:

what real %^&* me off is they gladly paid for the therapist

 

I think that's a trap many of us fall prey to.  Family provides therapy, secretly confident that it will produce the result THEY want.  When it affirms what WE already know, they blow a gasket.

 

This is what I've learned.  There's a special kind of love that comes from parents that we all crave no matter how old we are.  When it doesn't come, it's like sitting in a dry creek bed waiting for a drop of water to quench our thirst.  Sometimes, for a variety of reasons, the water (love) never comes and you have to learn to cope with that fact.  As @Charlize said, you often find a surrogate love from other people. Maybe someday, in a not-to-distant society, transgender will be better understood and things will be different.  Until then,  you have us.

[OhJay]

How are things between you and your sister, and dad after what your mom has done? 

 

I think it's commendable of you to still want her close and involved, that shows a huge strength within. But do take time to consider your own welfare - is it for the best to keep her involved right now? 

 

Would she respond to the suggestion she meet with a therapist to help her figure out her thoughts? It's difficult for family to adjust and sometimes they go about it in a risky damaging way unfortunately

 

Stay safe;

Oz