I screwed up everything

[Jani]

Jae I understand this is all very difficult but what Dev writes is correct and it has been said by others.  Stop being so hard on yourself and totally deferring to your wife.  Your marriage was suppose to be an equal partnership and neither party should have to bear the brunt of another.   She's not a saint and you're not a martyr, you're two people trying to get through life.  Keep the lines of communication open but you can stand up for yourself without being mean.

 

Jani 

[Guest]

Hi Jae, 

I came to this thread late this morning for the first time. Everything the rest have said is valid based on their personal experiences. It was inevitable that the bottom would eventually come up for you as it did for all of us at one point in our transition. It has a mean way of blowing holes in our self delusion about how everything will run ever so smoothly. This happened to me too and it was a tough half dozen years as we worked through it. We didn't get divorced but it was on her front burner for a long while. Women rightfully have the expectation to feel that they married a man and when the truth bomb detonates right in their face, of course they are going to react in horror because we are breaking a sacred trust, and they feel betrayed. The thought that we want to dress as women the rest of our lives is repugnant to them because they have been conditioned throughout their lives to accept the two binaries comprised of only born men and born woman.

 

Take a deep breath and try to slow your mind down for awhile and just be. From this point on you want to remain calm and don't allow yourself to enter into any yelling and screaming sessions. If she does it you have to let her, and it's up to you to remain calm. Continue to be your sweet self at all times and avoid crying at all costs. My time to cry out loud and pray to my Higher Power is when I'm in the shower with the exhaust fan running so that no one can hear me. You have to remain in control of your emotions. When things are calm enough you might say, "I love you and always have, and when you want to talk I will be here for you willing to discuss things." You have to realize that her mind is racing too, eventually she will calm down and the two of you may be able to have an adult conversation. I did this, we had lengthy conversations for months on a daily basis. There came a point where I had to explain that I didn't do this to her intentionally, but that I was driven in this direction by my own desire to be fully the person outwardly that I feel like inside myself and it was inevitable and doesn't change my love for you or our child in any way. Eventually she asked me if I really think I'd look half assed decent as a woman, that's when I conceded that no I wouldn't. It was there that I admitted that I had felt that a more androgynous non-binary presentation was a better and more accurate outward expression of how I felt about myself. I realize most don't feel that way, and if you plan to fully transition eventually then you might help her understand that you can't help yourself and that you love womanhood so much that you have always had a desire to be a woman. Then tell her that you love her so much that you have often wished that you could be her. That statement is the greatest form of flattery, if she accepts that then things should turn around, if not and she continues to remain hostile then you will know it's over. Don't go into telling her that you've known since you were three, she will know then that you had set out to deceive her even before the marriage. Your entire conversation will have to be carefully finessed as you talk.

 

My wife finally took a pragmatic view of things, "it is what it is," and has even helped me change out my wardrobe and talk about style and how to dress around body problems. She has become my best friend. It is do-able, but you both have to have toe will to make it work. My best to you!

[jae bear]

@Dev   I know you’re right, mother hen always knows best...

I signed a lease for my studio apartment, it’s a done deal, and from looking at all the inventories of things that are in storage for various family members I don’t think I’ll ever have to buy a single thing to fill it, even if Bunny really wants to dress it up and make it cute, this one is just not her place, it belongs to a different girl now.

Hugs,

Jae

[SugarMagnolia]

Oh, Jae. I'm sorry and happy for you at the same time. It's good that you're moving forward and I think it will be important for you to have your own space and explore your enhanced identity. Kudos to you!

Hugs,
Julie

 

[jae bear]

7 hours ago, Marci said:

Then tell her that you love her so much that you have often wished that you could be her. 

.

 I said that to her the night that I came out to her Marci, and I think I’ve said it a few times after. She can hardly believe that I mean it since she’s quite large, however, I find her absolutely beautiful, as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right? I’m really quite sad I don’t have a figure like hers, no curves, no feminine beauty, but I’d be OK to pass as I think I’m just gonna end up looking like my mom who really wasn’t unpleasant looking but was not the type of woman I’m attracted to. In the end however I’ve come to the realization I do not have to be attracted to the woman that I will become, it seems silly to think that it’s necessary anyway, it’s weird, I don’t have so much of a need to feel feminine, but I have a distinct need to be female. I’ve also continued to tell my wife that I love her deeply and that I’m here for her whenever she needs me, which is why we both decided to live in the same apartment complex. We have stopped yelling at each other, even if the words we say will make each other sad from time to time, and we often apologize in advance if we know it’s going to trigger Tears, but we are moving towards a working friendship. I’m hoping in the years to come that we will become fast friends, I’ve always fantasized about going to the salon and doing our nails together, maybe someday that will be a pleasant reality and we can include both of my daughters in that fantasy where the four of us bond, laugh, and still love each other.

Hugs,

Jae

[BrandiBri]

Jae, I'm glad that you are feeling better about yourself and finding the courage to move on. I know it's been a rough ride, but as others have said it does get better with time. I'm glad the yelling is over, that is not good for either of you. I hope you can become friends as well. 

Hugs and wishing you the best,

Brandi

[Annie]

Hi Jae,

 

Having just joined the forum, I am just reading your story. As the parent of a trans teenager, I just want to assure you that plenty of cisgender women know that being trans is not a choice. After the last few years I've experienced parenting a trans child I very clearly believe transitioning is not a choice either - not if you want to be whole and happy. The transition can obviously take different forms and the end point is different for everyone, but at the very least trans people should get to be honest about who they are with the people they love (from the outside, this seems like one of the scariest parts of transitioning). It sounds like your wife still thinks this is a choice you made. She does not yet realize that trying to be someone you're not has been slowly killing you emotionally for years and may eventually kill you in the literal sense. She may come to this realization or she may not, but either way, that can't be your problem to deal with. That is now her problem - you can be there with resources and to talk through it with her, but you can't make her understand something that right now she is not in a place to understand. That will take time. I also would not beat yourself up too much over this "I lied to her for over X number of years" thing. It's so common to keep the things we are ashamed of or scared of facing to ourselves. The fact that the thing you were keeping to yourself is relatively big does not make that reality any less true.

 

Most importantly, you did not damage your daughter by coming out to her in an inelegant manner. I've observed over and over that kids are only bothered by trans people or really any differently-seeming person after adults tell them they should be. Keep being a good parent to your kids and they will love you - at some point, they may even love the benefits they enjoy from you being trans. I love my son for so many reasons and one has become how close we've become during his transition. He opens my eyes to new things and I learn from him constantly. You have a gift to give your children - just by being who you are, you will show them strength and grace and the importance of kindness and understanding in love.

 

Sending you happy thoughts...

Annie

[jae bear]

 Oh my gosh Annie,  thank you so much for those words, I worry a great deal about my daughter and how she is doing, the youngest of my two is the only one at home and unfortunately she is seeing a lot of negative behavior from her mother towards me and tends to mirror it on a constant basis when my wife is around. My wife simply is not holding her tongue in any fashion when my daughter is around, and I’m constantly hearing my daughter insult me with the same words whenever she perceives that she has the opportunity to do so, I asked repeatedly that she’s not disrespectful to me but that then gets me in trouble with my wife, as my wife becomes angry that I’ve asked someone to not be disrespectful to me. I’m not sure why but apparently this is simply because I am either manipulating people or being passive aggressive, and after self examination I know that it’s not true but I’m starting to realize it might be true of the one who keeps saying it.  I am doing my best to keep a low profile for now until I have a place of my own, and I’m doing everything I possibly can to support my wife and daughter. Some of my friends tell me that providing the level of support I do will never allow my wife to think of coming back to me, that without missing me first if she’s not going to want to reconcile, but I’m willing to take that chance as I simply love her too much to see her go without. It does hurt a little though, I did my best to accompany her with some large shopping needs and really put forth the best effort I had to keep her in a good mood, but she  berated multiple sales clerks and they got angry with her, I tried to smooth the waters, but I instead got yelled at in the middle of the store. All the sales clerks were mortified and worried about me but I figure if I just keep a low profile long enough to find a space of my own it’ll all work out. It also bothers me that while I tell her I love her every chance that I get, and once in a while she does respond in kind, that she’s more than willing to have me still do all the chores and duties that I performed as a husband while she is currently asking me for a divorce, and at the same time she is being extremely negative and disrespectful to me. It’s really hit home last night when she was so tired that I rubbed her aching calves and I rubbed her sore feet until she felt better, but if I ask for a hug I’m not just rejected I’m dismissed and insulted. I guess I just feel a little lost, I need to get over it, but without a space of my own it’s going to be very hard to do so until then... I guess I just need to stock up on B6 vitamins.

Hugs,

Jae

[Jani]

2 hours ago, jae bear said:

My wife simply is not holding her tongue in any fashion when my daughter is around

 

2 hours ago, jae bear said:

my wife becomes angry that I’ve asked someone to not be disrespectful to me.

 

Jae these are two very telling statements.  I know you love this woman but she does not love you it seems from what we've seen here.  Its been suggested that you're being played and you need to move on emotionally.  

2 hours ago, jae bear said:

I guess I just feel a little lost, I need to get over it

You need to seriously consider your own future. 

 

She is not doing your daughter any favors by encouraging her to be mean and disrespectful.  That type of attitude will spill over to other parts of her life and will lead to nothing good.  

 

I'm sorry to hear you are all going through this turmoil, but sometimes life is like that and we just have to move forward.

Jani

[jae bear]

Thank you Jani,

I am hearing similar advice from others on this, and I am feeling ready to let this progress toward my independence, even if I never wanted it. I am starting to see that while I am being acused of manipulation, being passive aggressive and gaslighting that I am not doing these things, but much of it has been and is being done to me, I really need to be on my own and soon. We have spent the last four days moving everything into her new apartment,  that she had to have right after she made me sign a lease for a little studio. I am pretty sure she planned it this way so I would not get the only other nice one bedroom apartment available here. I am worn out, tired, sunburned, emotionally drained and frustrated, I have not yet heard an unprovoked thank you or received a hug. I did loose my cool at the end of the day today when I demanded not to be treated with disrespect from my daughter, I realize my wife rarely actually answers my questions or requests with anything that pertains to my question, I typically receive a criticism. Rather that correct my daughter she basically found a reason that it was my fault and fed the flames of disrespect, this just invited increased disrespect from my daughter. I hate that she has become possessive of all our belongings, when I wanted a few things like old glasses, cups or the old knife block she preferred to throw them out rather than allow me to have them (I got a few things out of the trash that were sentimental to me and put them in the garage with my guitar and amp). So I get my clothes, the old broken kitchen stuff and broken tv. Oh, and our king size bed that won’t fit in either of our apartments... She got a new bed, that’s what we were shopping for Sunday night, the angry store clerks were calling her princess and the pee... I am pretty sad she gave away my dining table, it was my mother’s and had been in our family since 1975, people had come to collect it before I had a chance to do anything with it, but it did need a new home, so I guess it worked out ok...

Hugs,

Jae