The need to drink vs transition

[MarvellousMattie]

My name was Matthew, I used to drink a lot and almost always a blackout drunk.You see, I was trying to kill myself and had been since I was quite young. But death from alcohol isn't the quick fix I thought it would be. I knew something was not quite right about me from a young age. I had this compulsion to cross dress, not makeup just lingerie. And I seemed to be attracted to men,,sexually. But I was also attracted to women,,sexually. I just found it easier to talk to men. Women scared the bejeezus out of me. Oh my they turned me on immensely but I was very self conscious and felt inadequate. I was the youngest of 3 boys, a redhead, skinny and I stuttered. My father had a full time job but was also a part time bartender so our basement was chock full of boxes of booze. The Mother lode!. I started drinking when I was about 13. I wasn't cross dressing at this age. I didn't start until I was about 17. I was like a secret agent in my cross dressing. It was like a game even though it was such a strong compulsion I was always devising ways I could safely do this without anyone,,ANYONE finding out. I was a virgin until around age 25. My first sexual encounter was with a man at a hotel in Toronto Canada. Of course I was drunk for this, how else could I gather enough courage to actually go through with it. It wasn't very good. But I just knew it was right for me and I also worse lingerie under my boy clothes. I couldn't seem to get aroused unless i was wearing women's lingerie. The idea of man on man sex repulsed and still does to this day. But if I was wearing lingerie it was the most normal thing in my life.

 

So, I spent the next 20 years drinking like a madman losing friends and jobs. Damn near losing my mind and my life a few times. I got beaten up a lot too. I was still secretly cross dressing but held a carpentry job. I was very masculine and acted macho to fit in. When I was 45 I hit my bottom. I realised I wasn't going to kill myself by drinking any time soon. I had lost my job and was practically destitute. I went to AA for a year or so and then I had an epiphany. I realised that in order to remain sober i had to let Mattie out of her prison. I spent the next 3 years getting myself to a place where I could safely transition. I had to relocate. By the time I was 48 I began my epic journey as I like to call it. I found a psychologist specializing in transgenderism and within 30 days began hormone replacement therapy and began living female. I was still drinking on and off but I wasn't trying to drink myself to death anymore. It was tough going the next 2 years, but I found a transgender support group in my area and I went every week for 2 years. In 2012 , 2 years after my initial transition, I underwent gender reassignment surgery at the Brassard Clinic in Montreal Canada and all to a smashing success. In 2013 I had my upper surgeries both breast implants and a nose job.

 

Now here's the thing. Since letting Mattie out of her prison, I've had absolutely NO compulsion to drink, nada,zilch. I have had  a few beers here and there but I haven't been seriously pissed to the gills since. I don't want to die anymore in fact I want to live forever as the beautiful woman I've blossomed into. 

 

I hope that maybe some of you can relate to my story and if it helps even just one person then this post has been worthwhile. Love, Light & Liberation brothers and sisters!

[VickySGV]

This was my story when I first got here,

https://www.transgenderpulse.com/forums/topic/33881-open-the-circle-im-here/

 

I am no longer hanging on by my finger tips, and today, fully transitioned, I attend AA meetings where I am fully out to show people how joyful it can be to be me and free.

 

 

 

[Charlize]

Welcome to Trans Pulse Mattie.  I was 5 years sober when i finally came out of the closet and went full time.  I continue to go to AA meetings and while i don't find a compulsion to drink as an issue i also have realized that, for me, one drink could easily take me back to the pit the program has helped me climb out of.  I'm living a wonderful life as myself and simply no longer desire a drink despite a memory of the amazingly pleasant sensation of that first shot; burning a bit and then sending a warmth throughout my body.  I have learned that if i can avoid that pleasure today i will live another day of gratitude and beauty.

 

You look great and quite happy in your picture as yourself.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jani]

Welcome Mattie!   Thank you for posting your story.  You look lovely.

 

Jani 

[Mediator]

Very interesting and educational reading. Thank you so much for sharing. ❤️

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Mattie.  Yours is a very inspiring story, and I''m very happy that things are finally on the right track for you.  I hope you enjoy the time you spend with us.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Susan R]

Hello Mattie, it's a pleasure to meet you and to read your introduction.  Thank you for opening up and sharing some of the details of your journey.  You have endured some very difficult trials but it looks like you're on the right path.  I'm very happy you found us here and hope to hear more.

 

Warm Regards,

Susan R?,

[Gregory]

I can relate on so many levels with your story please don't kill your self there are people who still love you

[Zoey]

 

On 7/21/2018 at 11:23 AM, MarvellousMattie said:

Since letting Mattie out of her prison, I've had absolutely NO compulsion to drink, nada,zilch.

 

I tried everything to get off alcohol for years, but it wasn't actually until I was just about to start HRT, when I learned that the two don't mix that It became an easy choice for me. 

[Lexi C]

I tried to quite..even went to a couple of AA meets. But  I just cant stop. I hoping to pull a " Living Las Vegas", because if I am not drinking then I start down that long rode off depression and doubt , next thing i know I am on some  website which is not a healthily.  So I have a couple of shots after a long day and fall a sleep. The Alternatives, like cutting myself, sleeping with strangers, doing drugs out weight the results. Happy for all of you who can move on, but I rather drunk a bit then do the above.   

[Charlize]

Alex i had allowed the bottle to take me to a kind of hell before i was desperate enough to not only go to a meeting but to start working the program of AA.  The working word remains difficult for me.  I would prefer a couple of shots, a pill, shot or some other diversion from the issues in my life.  Instead i do my best to work the program i've found in the rooms of AA.  The benefits have gone well beyond a life of sobriety.  If you get tired of being sick and tired there is a path many of us have followed.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Alex,

While going to a couple AA meetings was a good idea, there are no quick fix solutions. Just two AA meetings will not keep us sober. We have the disease of alcoholism, and it takes a lifetime commitment to recover. Like we say in NA, "keep coming back. It works if you work it, and it won"t if you don't." And remember, alcohol IS a drug, period. 

 

As for the other things, there is never any shame in reaching out for help. Therapy, and/or a psychologist might do wonders.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf ?

[lauraincolumbia]

Its interesting, I recently had an experience that I can totally identify with your statement:

Now here's the thing. Since letting Mattie out of her prison, I've had absolutely NO compulsion to drink, nada,zilch.

 

A little over a month ago, I had a weekend that I kept Laura "bottled up".  Instead, what I found myself doing was drinking so much that I had an accident at home (luckily, I didn't have to drive anywhere.), ended up severly cutting up my face, with blood everywhere and spent half a day in the ER.

This made me think back and realize that there is definitely a linkage between accepting Laura and not drinking.   Please do note, that as a wine afficianado, I do recognize a difference between sampling wine, having a glass or two, and drinking.  Yes, it's complicated...  

[Lexi C]

Ty everyone...But I don't think I have a problem. However, I will discuss this issue with my one of my therapist. Hugs to all. 

[Kirsten]

There’s nothing wrong with a drink even daily. Or even 2 if it’s not affecting anything else in your life. But the moment it starts to it is. Doesn’t sound like it really affects you negatively, actually semi-positively if those are the other options. But it does seem like it’s a crutch. I’d try to figure out why that crutch is needed and work on that. Sounds like you’d probably stop needing the shot or two if you can. Don’t let a crutch put you in a wheelchair. Not that it sounds like that’s a direction you’re heading as of now. ?

[Lexi C]

Thanks Kristin..Sorry about your Celtics

 

[violet r]

I firmly believe I drank entirely to much for about 25 years. Got drunk every day. This was my coping mechanism to keep hiding deep inside that I was a woman. I miss a lot of signs over the years. Now I drink mabye 1 or 2 beers a day don't even get a buzz anymore. totally accept myself and on regret is that I hide that part of my self which  truly makes me happy being violet 💜. I wasted a lot of time before  being self destructive and had no clue I was just hiding th real me