Am I alone in being this way ?

[Martyn]

6 minutes ago, BrandiBri said:

Martyn, you are not any of the above. You are a valuable person and you definitely not selfish. You are being true to yourself and as already been stated, your family are the ones being selfish. They may be embarrassed or afraid of what their friends are going to think of them, but you need to do what is best for you. Others have said, and I repeat, things will get better with time.

Your wife and son are going through their own form of transition just as you are and they need time to sort out their feelings, just as you are in the process of sorting out your own feelings. For them, the process may take months, years or maybe never. In any case, the important thing that you need to remember is that you cannot control their reactions, but as you progress you will meet people that will love and accept you for the person you are.

When one door closes another opens.

 

Wishing you the best of luck,

Brandi

I wish I could accept who I am but even I don’t know who I am any more, I hate whatever I have become.

the reprocussions of all the fall out are massive, home to be sold meaning both parties including my son will have to exist in some pokey little flat, pets will have to be rehomed as they wouldn’t be allowed in flats.  All lives will be wrecked over all this, this is not me being all self putty full, it’s fact.

as a couple we had existed on a tight joint income, now, well I’ve no idea how any of us woukd be able to exist financially.

i feel I should do the decent thing and just exit this life and let them start over without all the destruction I would cause if I stay.

[SugarMagnolia]

Martyn it's natural to be overwhelmed by all of the changes you and your family are going through. Please don't do anything today. Give yourself a little time.

@Martyn,I'm here and I have time to talk or chat. If you want to message me directly, I'm here. I know something about how you're feeling right now. 

[SugarMagnolia]

@Martyn as I said I'm here for you but if you feel suicidal there are UK crisis lines that you can call for help. The resources we have for the UK are below. I know that you are feeling as though you're family would be better off, but they will always be better off with you here than with you gone. They're going through a lot and their attitudes to you and about you may change in time

• 999 and 112 is the national emergency number in the United Kingdom
• 111, Option 2, is the National Health Services' First Response Service for mental health crises and support.
• Samaritans (http://www.samaritans.org/) is a registered charity aimed at providing emotional support to anyone in distress or at risk of suicide throughout the United Kingdom.^[19] They provide a 24/7, toll-free crisis line, as well as local branches.
  • Samaritans Helpline can be reached at 116 123.
  • Samaritans' previous hotline number, 08457 90 90 90, is no longer in use. Calling this line may result in charges for call forwarding.
• Campaign Against Living Miserably (https://www.thecalmzone.net/) is a registered charity^[20] based in England. It was launched in March 2006 as a campaign aimed at bringing the suicide rate down among men aged 15–35.^[21] It has a limited-hour phone and webchat options.
  • CALM (Nationwide) can be reached at 58 58 58 0800 58 58 58 (available every day from 5PM to midnight).
  • CALM (London) can be reached at 802 58 58 0808 802 58 58 (available every day from 5PM to midnight).
  • CALM webchat can be found at https://www.thecalmzone.net/help/get-help/ (available every day from 5PM to midnight).

[Martyn]

I’ve never felt so much hate and anger towards me in my whole life, my wife and son (18 in Jan) have both demonstrated very directly that they totally disown me, think I’m a disgusting, selfish and heartless man. They want me gone that couldn’t be clearer. 

There is no choice left if I’m not to totally destroy their lives 

[SugarMagnolia]

Martyn, I know if feels like that. Believe me that I know how that feels. But there are other choices. Give yourself sometime. Your being gone won't make this better and your being around can make a difference in time.

[princecharmless]

In the future, your son may think differently about it all. Your wife has had a lot of influence over what he is feeling now. You need to be around for his future as well as your own.

Don't add the weight of death on top of it all. That can never make things better, only worse all round.

[Martyn]

1 minute ago, princecharmless said:

In the future, your son may think differently about it all. Your wife has had a lot of influence over what he is feeling now. You need to be around for his future as well as your own.

Don't add the weight of death on top of it all. That can never make things better, only worse all round.

My son has talked to his mates about everything, they too feel I’m a disgusting human being, how could I put my family through all this they said 

[princecharmless]

They say that as 17 year olds. They have growing up to do, even if they don't realise that.

You aren't disgusting. You have to stick around and give your kid more chances in years to come.

 

[Susan R]

 

1 hour ago, SugarMagnolia said:

Give yourself sometime. Your being gone won't make this better and your being around can make a difference in time.

 

Martyn, I also want to say I agree with SugarMagnolia that as painful as this is right now, time is your best friend.  It's so easy to make all these wild life decisions because you believe you must do "something" right this minute in order to solve the problem.  Life just doesn't work that way all the time...in fact, very rarely.

Also, don't listen to childish rantings about you being disgusting.  That's ridiculous.  You know this is not true on any level and you know deep down your son and his friends are simply acting out like children do.  When you start to feel this stressed, just take a few deep breaths and realize this feeling of despair is only temporary.  You have so much more to offer your family so don't lose sight of the bigger picture.

 

Susan R?

 

 

 

[Jani]

Martyn, Death is never the answer.  You will never solve anything if you are not around.  As noted, layering suicide over the changes in your family will not make things better.  

 

Reach out to one of the organizations that Sugar Magnolia (Julie) has provided links to.  

 

Your son can change.  He is under the influence of his mother now and as he grows he may see you as a good and fine person. 

[Martyn]

2 hours ago, Jani said:

Martyn, Death is never the answer.  You will never solve anything if you are not around.  As noted, layering suicide over the changes in your family will not make things better.  

 

Reach out to one of the organizations that Sugar Magnolia (Julie) has provided links to.  

 

Your son can change.  He is under the influence of his mother now and as he grows he may see you as a good and fine person. 

Death to me is a way out of being left with nothing in my life, my world was my family - that’s not only collapsed but gone for good, my workshop is a very cold environment this time of year, I would always look to get the work done quickly to go home sooner to be with them both, now that’s gone. I have hated my work for years and have lost all pleasure from it and struggle continuously to stay afloat let alone earn a living.

I’ve not a single friend whatsoever, I am a loner. there is nothing left anymore, nothing 

[RithiaAllen]

Just now, Martyn said:

Death to me is a way out of being left with nothing in my life, my world was my family - that’s not only collapsed but gone for good, my workshop is a very cold environment this time of year, I would always look to get the work done quickly to go home sooner to be with them both, now that’s gone. I have hated my work for years and have lost all pleasure from it and struggle continuously to stay afloat let alone earn a living.

I’ve not a single friend whatsoever, I am a loner. there is nothing left anymore, nothing 

Death is a end to everything and a permeant answer to a temporary solution.

 

Nothing is ever gone for good until it is physically gone. Your family dead is gone for good. They are alive. You have a legacy in your son. Right now they might not want to even see you but that is not an absolute. But if you kill yourself you won't be there for your son if he needs you in the future. All he will remember is the last moments and you killing yourself. Who knows if going forward he might start to blame himself and wish he had a way to talk to you again five or ten years from now. Would you put that on his shoulders in the future?

 

I implore you please do not hurt yourself. There is a suicide prevention chat channel in the Discord chat that Transpulse has here. Please sign up for it and talk to someone or call a number at +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90. http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international/united-kingdom-suicide-hotlines.html

[Martyn]

Just now, RithiaAllen said:

Death is a end to everything and a permeant answer to a temporary solution.

 

Nothing is ever gone for good until it is physically gone. Your family dead is gone for good. They are alive. You have a legacy in your son. Right now they might not want to even see you but that is not an absolute. But if you kill yourself you won't be there for your son if he needs you in the future. All he will remember is the last moments and you killing yourself. Who knows if going forward he might start to blame himself and wish he had a way to talk to you again five or ten years from now. Would you put that on his shoulders in the future?

 

I implore you please do not hurt yourself. There is a suicide prevention chat channel in the Discord chat that Transpulse has here. Please sign up for it and talk to someone or call a number at +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90. http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international/united-kingdom-suicide-hotlines.html

To be told by your own son that I disgust him, am a total embarrassment to everyone and all the family, he said if it was up to him I’d be living on the streets for what I’ve put him and his mother through these past months , he has no respect for me whatsoever, said a father figure should be someone you look up to and certainly doesn’t do that towards me.

doesnt want anything to do with me anymore 

[MaryEllen]

You can't control what others do or say. Perhaps it's time to cut your loses and walk away. Being in a toxic environment such as that will only drive you deeper into despair. It's time to back away.  As sad as it may be, this is something you should think about doing.

 

MaryEllen

[RithiaAllen]

Just now, Martyn said:

To be told by your own son that I disgust him, am a total embarrassment to everyone and all the family, he said if it was up to him I’d be living on the streets for what I’ve put him and his mother through these past months , he has no respect for me whatsoever, said a father figure should be someone you look up to and certainly doesn’t do that towards me.

doesnt want anything to do with me anymore 

He's feeling hurt right now and lashing out trying to make you hurt. You can talk to me. I have nothing going on right now. I'm not trained for this sort of thing but I do care. I promise you things will get better.

[Martyn]

Just now, RithiaAllen said:

He's feeling hurt right now and lashing out trying to make you hurt. You can talk to me. I have nothing going on right now. I'm not trained for this sort of thing but I do care. I promise you things will get better.

Thank you Rithia, he’s always been closer to his mother, as a child I always struggled to bond with him, my wife said his grandad was more of a father figure than I ever was . Which is true.  Sadly in life I’ve struggled and failed literally in every aspect, I’m tired of it all now though especially in the light how things have now turned out - the fight is gone completely 

[RithiaAllen]

Just now, Martyn said:

Thank you Rithia, he’s always been closer to his mother, as a child I always struggled to bond with him, my wife said his grandad was more of a father figure than I ever was . Which is true.  Sadly in life I’ve struggled and failed literally in every aspect, I’m tired of it all now though especially in the light how things have now turned out - the fight is gone completely 

We are all humans and make mistakes. We have to be able to forgive for the mistakes we have made and be able to move forward. We can't wind back the clock but that doesn't mean things are over. Give your son and wife some time and in the mean time find ways to express yourself that bring you happiness.

 

If you business is no longer bringing you happiness sell it and start doing something that makes you happy.

[Martyn]

Just now, RithiaAllen said:

Give your son and wife some time and in the mean time find ways to express yourself that bring you happiness.

 

If you business is no longer bringing you happiness sell it and start doing something that makes you happy.

Neither my son or wife can accept me wearing feminine tops, if I start wearing them it will push them further away still (if that’s possible)

the business has been struggling for years and is in debt, quite heavy debt, prior to all this happening I had set a goal of 5 years to try and clear the debts and change career, now this just seems impossible, I’ve lost all interest and incentive, I just want of if this crappy life now

[RithiaAllen]

Just now, Martyn said:

Neither my son or wife can accept me wearing feminine tops, if I start wearing them it will push them further away still (if that’s possible)

the business has been struggling for years and is in debt, quite heavy debt, prior to all this happening I had set a goal of 5 years to try and clear the debts and change career, now this just seems impossible, I’ve lost all interest and incentive, I just want of if this crappy life now

Is the business in debt or are you? In the United States we have different types of businesses that protect the owner. If it is the former take the legal steps to kill the business, wipe your hands clean and go work on something else. If not reinvent the company to do what you want and phase out the older aspects of the business and pay the debt as you can. A business can pivot.

 

if you’re wife and son are not talking to you right now then you are fre to express yourself. I know they are very important to you but the sum of your life isn’t just them. Our life are a sum of all the interactions with one another.

 

you mentioned that you are a loaner. Why is that? For me before I transitioned it was because I didn’t understand how men thought and didn’t interact well with men as a guy and woman always thought I was putting on moves so I secluded myself. If this is similar for you maybe you need to do some exploring of yourself and come to grip with the truth. Search for your inner peace and you will find that making connections with people is more easy. It doesn’t matter if you are mtf, cis male or what your sexual orientation is. Once you can accept yourself it becomes easier to accept yourself and you realize that there are nice all around you trying to make social connections and that you are not alone.

[Martyn]

Just now, RithiaAllen said:

Is the business in debt or are you? In the United States we have different types of businesses that protect the owner. If it is the former take the legal steps to kill the business, wipe your hands clean and go work on something else. If not reinvent the company to do what you want and phase out the older aspects of the business and pay the debt as you can. A business can pivot.

 

if you’re wife and son are not talking to you right now then you are fre to express yourself. I know they are very important to you but the sum of your life isn’t just them. Our life are a sum of all the interactions with one another.

 

you mentioned that you are a loaner. Why is that? For me before I transitioned it was because I didn’t understand how men thought and didn’t interact well with men as a guy and woman always thought I was putting on moves so I secluded myself. If this is similar for you maybe you need to do some exploring of yourself and come to grip with the truth. Search for your inner peace and you will find that making connections with people is more easy. It doesn’t matter if you are mtf, cis male or what your sexual orientation is. Once you can accept yourself it becomes easier to accept yourself and you realize that there are nice all around you trying to make social connections and that you are not alone.

As the business is a limited company and I am the sole director this makes me liable completely, there is no way out, with exception to bankruptcy which would make it impossible to get future credit if I needed it.

 

i feel the sum of my life is indeed them, they were my only world, I have no one else with exception to my parents.

 

ive never been able to form friendships, the whole concept evades me, my work had ruled always, never time to do anything else, I’m horrified of spending yet more time in that bloody workshop, I’ll have to work even harder now so I keep up payments on the house for my wife whilst I exist else where, it’s feeling like a faster downward spiral than even before now

[RithiaAllen]

Just now, Martyn said:

As the business is a limited company and I am the sole director this makes me liable completely, there is no way out, with exception to bankruptcy which would make it impossible to get future credit if I needed it.

 

i feel the sum of my life is indeed them, they were my only world, I have no one else with exception to my parents.

 

ive never been able to form friendships, the whole concept evades me, my work had ruled always, never time to do anything else, I’m horrified of spending yet more time in that bloody workshop, I’ll have to work even harder now so I keep up payments on the house for my wife whilst I exist else where, it’s feeling like a faster downward spiral than even before now

Ok so you are basically in the same situation as a sole proprietor with no LLC in the United States. The way credit works in the states is you can get your credit back over time but it will take a while oh having none and next to no credit for a few years. The question you have to ask is what will take you longer. Paying off the debit in the business which isn't doing well and what is accruing the debt or pulling the band aid off quickly and taking the bankruptcy and rebuilding in another form?

 

If the business still has a shot try pivoting. If you could do anything for work right now what would you do. Don't think just answer.

 

Take that answer and come up with a plan for how to convert your business over to that and then do it. You may even find that your new happiness in doing what you want will attract more patrons simply because they enjoy the atmosphere of happiness and not just another corporate box store for whatever you are doing.

 

Regarding your family. You hit the nail on the head Where. I'm not saying give up on them, but give them time. Then hopefully you can reestablish relations with them on a better footing. In the mean time find other things to fulfill yourself, like for me I enjoy gardening. What kind of hobbies would you be interested in, model railroads, painting, music, cinema, recreation. Give yourself a chance to think and figure out what you enjoy and then seek out clubs for that activity.

 

I would also suggest a support group where you can meet people in similar situations as yours. I remembered when I was first transitioning there was a woman named Amanda transitioning at the same time. She lost her two kids because her wife kept them from here and divorced her. She lost her job of 20 years. She was able to reestablish a friendship with her wife and was able to be there for her son and daughter and found new work. She is living happily even after everything she went through. You can do it too.

 

 

[Martyn]

Just now, RithiaAllen said:

Ok so you are basically in the same situation as a sole proprietor with no LLC in the United States. The way credit works in the states is you can get your credit back over time but it will take a while oh having none and next to no credit for a few years. The question you have to ask is what will take you longer. Paying off the debit in the business which isn't doing well and what is accruing the debt or pulling the band aid off quickly and taking the bankruptcy and rebuilding in another form?

 

If the business still has a shot try pivoting. If you could do anything for work right now what would you do. Don't think just answer.

 

Take that answer and come up with a plan for how to convert your business over to that and then do it. You may even find that your new happiness in doing what you want will attract more patrons simply because they enjoy the atmosphere of happiness and not just another corporate box store for whatever you are doing.

 

Regarding your family. You hit the nail on the head Where. I'm not saying give up on them, but give them time. Then hopefully you can reestablish relations with them on a better footing. In the mean time find other things to fulfill yourself, like for me I enjoy gardening. What kind of hobbies would you be interested in, model railroads, painting, music, cinema, recreation. Give yourself a chance to think and figure out what you enjoy and then seek out clubs for that activity.

 

I would also suggest a support group where you can meet people in similar situations as yours. I remembered when I was first transitioning there was a woman named Amanda transitioning at the same time. She lost her two kids because her wife kept them from here and divorced her. She lost her job of 20 years. She was able to reestablish a friendship with her wife and was able to be there for her son and daughter and found new work. She is living happily even after everything she went through. You can do it too.

 

 

Assuming we get divorced and the family home is sold and monies divided up I would need a mortgage, so credit is essential.

the business is furniture restorstion, it’s s very niche market and doesn’t pay well, my skill set is purely that trade and have no other skills.

once debt free I plan to be a hospital porter, that would provide much more communication skills that I lack at present.

as for hobbies I have none, once bought a guitar but seem incapple if remembering anything. If I’m honesty nothing in life interests me.

yes support groups are on my radar, but as I’m purely non binary and not trans there are very few like me around, I don’t want to feel uncomfortable going to them as I’d not fit in.

 

[RithiaAllen]

Just now, Martyn said:

Assuming we get divorced and the family home is sold and monies divided up I would need a mortgage, so credit is essential.

the business is furniture restorstion, it’s s very niche market and doesn’t pay well, my skill set is purely that trade and have no other skills.

once debt free I plan to be a hospital porter, that would provide much more communication skills that I lack at present.

as for hobbies I have none, once bought a guitar but seem incapple if remembering anything. If I’m honesty nothing in life interests me.

yes support groups are on my radar, but as I’m purely non binary and not trans there are very few like me around, I don’t want to feel uncomfortable going to them as I’d not fit in.

 

Non binary is a state of being. I don’t see why a LGBTQ group would be unaccpting.

 

Lets take this from a different angle. What do you need to do right now to obtain your goal of hospital porter?

 

Obviously you need credit. So right now find a place for yourself get it while your credit is still good. Figure out what you can make per month so your honest about what you can afford and then pull the bandaid off.

 

If I understand you correctly the business is operating at a loss so better to act now then later.

 

Then you can focus on rebuilding and make a place to be able to welcome your wife and son home if they decide to come back into your life.

[Martyn]

Just now, RithiaAllen said:

Non binary is a state of being. I don’t see why a LGBTQ group would be unaccpting.

 

Lets take this from a different angle. What do you need to do right now to obtain your goal of hospital porter?

 

Obviously you need credit. So right now find a place for yourself get it while your credit is still good. Figure out what you can make per month so your honest about what you can afford and then pull the bandaid off.

 

If I understand you correctly the business is operating at a loss so better to act now then later.

 

Then you can focus on rebuilding and make a place to be able to welcome your wife and son home if they decide to come back into your life.

Yes it is but I don’t feel comfortable, I need to meet other non binary people not trans.

 

To be a porter I need to clear the majority of my debts, I’m at my limit now so cannot get any further credit for a home of any decription.

unless the family home is sold I am unable to afford to rent or buy, I can’t stay with my parents long term so I’ve no idea what the future holds, this another reason I want out, I have £50,000 life cover which would settle my debts and allow my wife and son to move on with their lives.

[Martyn]

My mind is distraught that my wife will find someone else, I just couldn’t cope with that, I want her back with all my heart - that would definitely be the end for me, quick I hope