Am I alone in being this way ?

[Martyn]

Thank you Jani, Susan & BrandiBri for asking after me.

if I’m honest I haven’t posted due to being at such a low eb, life really has plummeted downwards to the extent that I feel there is nothing left anymore.  My biggest regret is following my heart and investigating my possible non binary traits, which if I’m honest I don’t know if they really exist?  During a 3/4 month timescale I toyed with the idea of furthering my medication to include taking oestrogen, what a bloody idiot I was, the flirting of my possible non binary feelings has cost me everything, my marriage, my son, my home and everything I hold dear to me.  I wish I never had those thoughts and after all that’s happened I STILL don’t know if I’m non binary, it could be that I just prefer smooth skin and floral shirts?  What a waste of a 19 year marriage, life has nothing left anymore, I’ve no friends, a failing business I can’t stand along with debts all around me. Sorry it’s a low mood post

[DeeDee]

Hi Martyn, I have been reading back through this post and while I do not know you I wish to give you some encouragement. Things can and will get better if you just keep taking one day at a time. Debts can be repaid, I ended up in debt for over £25k during my twenties and had to use a govt debt agency to clear some and write off others, it took me 6 years of living very frugally and making regular small payments to get back in the clear while a stranger decided how much I could live off per month but I now have an excellent credit rating. Place yourself on the local council homeless register - there is no shame in it, and you can state overcrowding by living with your parents as one of the reasons - though honestly your wife will have a higher points rating and be offered somewhere quicker than you until your son turns 18 and is no longer a dependant. My marriage of 14 years ended a few months ago - this was the third time my wife had left me and I finally admitted to myself that we have really just been friends living together for most of the time our children had been alive, the first two times I thought my world had ended - I resolved that I loved her so much that if she could only find happiness by not being with me then I would support her even if it made me miserable. This time I am okay with being friends, it's taken splitting up 3 times for me to accept that actually my wife does not love me the same way that I have loved her. Yet I am not a door mat - I have taken a lot from her over the years because I saw it as my job to try and protect and love her for who she was even if I was not afforded the same privilege. Socially I have no IRL social circle - I play D&D and game online to talk to others, but with your skills there would be hobby groups or "mens sheds" even if you did not want to join the LGBT group closest to you.  None of these things are insurmountable they simply feel it while you are at a low. A successful marriage takes two to make it work - that is the truth I realised this time around that no matter how much I tried I was never going to be a successful husband.  I do not think my wife or my children are aware that I am questioning my gender and I do not know how she will react if I decide to go further, some of her reasons for leaving while hurtful to listen to were what prompted me to start questioning my gender and I am still just starting to figure out who I am, due to Scottish law we have a separation agreement that states how all property is and has been split which will make the coming divorce simpler and cheaper at the end of next year and prevent me being asked to pay anything else. If you do not have access to something like that you need to get a solicitor simply to protect yourself. That is what you must do regardless of how scary it is - use this time to visit C.A.B - get into the job centre and discover your identity as a person - not as a dad, or a husband, or a businessman, or as an NB, but as you. You are obviously intelligent and capable with your hands, able to manage your time and assess priorities and dedicated or you could not have had your own business up and running at all. You will have many transferrable skills as a person that will help you to achieve your goal of becoming a porter, which is an admirable job and shows the kindness in your heart - porters spend all day helping the nervous and the lonely and keeping things running in the background with very little public recognition. Take heart and take care. (sorry it's so long) x

[Susan R]

Hi Martyn,  it's easy to second guess decisions in hindsight.  You had and still have legitimate reasons to explore this part of yourself.  IMHO, your wife was too quick to draw and very short-sighted.   Marriage is supposed to be a long term investment.  There are vows we take to insure we don't toss it all away on a whim when things seemingly go South.  Don't beat yourself up because your wife didn't give you the chance to work on things, to work on your marriage, and to work with her on this issue together as part of being a loving couple .  You deserved all of these things and received none of it.

 

Things will change, Martyn.  They always do.  It seems you have reached the low point so going forward things will get better.  It's hard to see it when you're overwhelmed and it's affecting your everyday life.  I've had many periods in my life when I thought I would not recover emotionally and financially.  I saw no way out on several occasions but, in time, things slowly improved and I had to reinvent myself and start over.  You have had a lifetime of experiences to work with so keep your head up.

 

1 hour ago, Martyn said:

What a waste of a 19 year marriage, life has nothing left anymore, I’ve no friends,

You are forgetting some of the blessings you received during your marriage..the good times & memories, your child, and as hard as it is to believe right now, your wife.  Also, I want to make sure you know that even though I'm just an person somewhere else in the world posting in your thread, I still care about you, I want the best for you and I'd like to consider myself to be one of your friends.

 

Susan R?

[Jani]

Hello Martyn and thank you for checking back in with us.  You have received some very good and local advice from Sadie.  Susan's comments are so true! 

 

6 minutes ago, SeekingSadie said:

That is what you must do regardless of how scary it is - use this time to visit C.A.B - get into the job centre and discover your identity as a person ...   as you.

This is good advice.  Don't be afraid of breaking out your current mold and trying to become the person you truly want to be.  I know you've invested a lot of time into this relationship, but it has run its course.  You wouldn't keep an old car that wasn't serviceable, or stay in a home that didn't fit your needs.  Its OK to move forward with your life.  You are still quite young enough to make a difference.  Get to it.

 

Cheers, Jani 

[BrandiBri]

Martyn, I can identify with your situation to a certain extent. My wife passed away in Dec of 2016 and I thought I had nothing to live for. If it weren't for my granddaughter who was living with us when my wife died, and the wonderful people on this website I think I would not be here now. Having been where you are now, I can say without a doubt that things will get better. I found a job in retail, something that I never thought I would do, and am able to interact with people on the job. Just having that opportunity has done wonders for my self esteem. I have joined a church that is very inclusive and am getting involved with some of the programs which helps as well. It's been said that when one door closes another opens and I believe that is true. You may not see it now, but we are transitioning all the time. This is true of everyday living, regardless of gender issues or just changes as we go about our lives. I hope that this makes sense.

 

Hugs, 

Brandi 

[Martyn]

Thank you Jani, Susan, Brandi and Sadie for all your kind words of support, I will respond to each of you, things are just rather overwhelming at the moment.  I’m currently seeing a solicitor in order to seek a divorce as I can see my wife is in no hurry and I need somewhere to live, thankfully our son will be 18 next month and is working full time so it should be more straightforward. I suppose I’m still grieving for all that is lost, my hope of being involved with future grandchildren for example, unlikely now due to my sons attiude and very strong bond between his mother rather than me. I am very bitter towards as due to his involvement in forcing me out of our home he saw to it that I had no opportunity to try and resolve things,

[Jani]

I'm glad to hear you're seeking a solicitor.  You need to be proactive if you are to maintain an even result.  As to your son, don't despair.  He is young and once he settles down and (possibly) has a family of his own he may see life differently.  Also understand that not all families are close knit.  Some are bound by extremely loose ties.  Family are those that we hold closely whether through blood or friendship.  I'm sure you will find your "family" soon enough once you are free and open to the idea that you can and will be loved. 

 

Jani 

[Martyn]

On 12/7/2018 at 5:45 PM, Jani said:

I'm glad to hear you're seeking a solicitor.  You need to be proactive if you are to maintain an even result.  As to your son, don't despair.  He is young and once he settles down and (possibly) has a family of his own he may see life differently.  Also understand that not all families are close knit.  Some are bound by extremely loose ties.  Family are those that we hold closely whether through blood or friendship.  I'm sure you will find your "family" soon enough once you are free and open to the idea that you can and will be loved. 

 

Jani 

As things stand I just wish I new what I was,  normal male, non-binary or a mix of the two?  What a mess I’ve created, therapy isn’t much help as that was partly to blame for the marriage breakup.

I don’t know who I am anymore or what I want out of life if anything? I just feel so mixed up.

[Jani]

Well you have to deal with each issue independently, at least at first. Therapy does work, but you have to let it and be open to possibilities you either hadn't considered or refused to consider.   At this time don't fret over blame.   The cause as you have described your life, seems to have been initiated a long time ago.  You coming out may have tipped over the wagon, but the wagon was already on three wheels.  It doesn't sound like it was a tenable situation.  Like I've said earlier, you need to decide whether to keep going (she doesn't want to according to your narrative) or pick up the pieces and move onward the best you can.  We are not therapists here, just folks with life experiences that we can impart when we see a need.  You need to take the first step for a better life.  Martyn it is never too late to start being happy.

 

Get some therapy and work on discovering WHO you ARE! 
 

Jani