Decisions have consequences

[Willow421]

It's been nearly a month since I came out and told a friend of mine that I was questioning my gender identity, identifying more with my female side than my male side. I have told my father, brother, best friend, and spouse. My father, a retired psychoanalyst, was supportive at first and then became the "therapist" he has been all of his life. He told me I needed to see someone, these feelings are a perversion, you are not a girl. I took this to mean I was still mentally ill and quickly hung up the phone. I haven't talked to him since that day, although I should.

 

I told my wife and she was initially supportive but has since thought more deeply about my announcement, determining that she cannot accept what I have told her. Although she is happy that I have accepted this part of me, she just can't imagine a life with a man who identifies as a woman; it is not what she signed up for. I showed her pictures of me taken at women's clothing stores. I told her I'm wearing underwear from Victoria's Secret. I have worn makeup at home. All of this has unnerved her and she is having trouble processing everything I have mentioned. She can't get the pictures out of her mind, she is disturbed by them. Reality is setting in ... for her and for me. 

 

Our marriage has been one of convenience for probably a decade. We are co-parents to our 20-year-old son and 15-year-old daughter. We stopped being "married" long ago. I sleep on the couch in a separate room off the kitchen. We have not had intimate relations for 4 years and only once in the last 7 years. The marriage is over. My wife told me she was probably going to leave me once our daughter finished high school and coming out to her has accelerated her decision making to formally ask for a separation in the new year and work to legally end the marriage, to get a divorce. This hurts, for sure, but I know deep down it is best for both of us. I fear most losing my daily contact with my kids, especially my daughter. Reality is setting in ... for her and for me.

 

I know my wife and father have spoken to each other, sharing their thoughts about my coming out. My wife tells me my Dad is very sorry and only wants to be supportive. By talking with my Dad, my wife was calm and reasonable when she told me on Friday she wanted to end the marriage, separate in the new year, and work towards a divorce. I have cried to my best friend. I now need to move on and plan how to work towards understanding my gender identity and become more accepting of the woman inside of me. I need to accept this journey will be without my wife, hopefully not my children.

 

My Dad told my bother. I spoke with my brother and he doesn't understand what I'm "going through" but loves me and will support me no matter how I move forward. But, he is concerned about the reality, my marriage (check), my professional life (they don't know), and the reaction in the community where I live (this is coming true). These are prophetic concerns as I will need to find an apartment outside of the town where I live because my wife is concerned about how people will react to me, how they will be unaccepting and mean, and the negative impact this will have on her and our children; she is well known in the community. I need to "find my community", as my wife puts it, which is closer to Vancouver.

 

One month ago I was this person everyone knew and accepted. Today I'm somehow different to everyone. To me, I'm still the same person. Sure, I wear woman's underwear, jewelry, sparkly or silk scarfs, feminine clothes, and makeup. I tuck regularly. Everyone who knows that I am coming out, including the friends to whom my wife has shared this information (good for her!), is NOT surprised, it just makes sense. People are funny this way -- we always knew he was different and now that we know its true, he's different, he is now the "other", not one of us. This is a reality I should have expected. 

 

I have made a promise to my wife to tone down my feminine outward appearance. I still plan to wear the underwear and jewelry but will dial back the makeup and clothing while at home. I can't believe the pull I feel towards my feminine side. It is like this super powerful magnet. I need to find a way to manage these feelings until I move to a new home.

 

I need to process all of this. Writing on this forum is very helpful. My best friend, a woman, is my rock, non-judgemental. I have appointments with a gender therapist this upcoming Friday and in the new year. I probably need to see a psychiatrist as well to talk about the changes in my life, the thoughts that scare me, to manage my general anxiety and mental health. I hope to meet people from my "community" (it's weird saying this) by attending group sessions in Vancouver and find personal support I'm going to require.

 

The reality is I don't know what to expect. My "gender journey", as my best friend calls it, is only beginning and the road will be long.

 

Willow

 

 

 

[Susan R]

Oh, I am so sorry, Willow, that all of this is coming at you at once.  It's all happening so fast for you.  This scares me to death.  I just wish I had some good advice for you right now.  Know that my heart goes out to you.  I see such heavy consequences resulting on a single decision to share something that's such an integral part of yourself.  I really can't see how it could've been avoided.  Do you think sharing this news in increments over a long period of time would have changed the outcome at all?  I ask these questions of myself on a daily basis.  I'm currently in a similar situation.

I've revealed to my wife some of my (hidden) past and only some of my future plans regarding my transition at this stage.  I have been worried about sharing too much at one time.  Eventually I need to share more but when and how much are the questions I always ask myself.  Right now, I take it day by day.   I guess that's all one can do.

I hope some of these difficulties will pass quickly for you and you get some positive news regarding your children and your time with them.  The possible of not being able to see my 7 grandchildren is one of the greatest concerns I have with coming out.

 

Take care,

Susan R?

[DeeDee]

1 hour ago, Willow421 said:

One month ago I was this person everyone knew and accepted. Today I'm somehow different to everyone.

Hi Willow, I believe Susan is right -  from what you have said about it in your post I do not think your gender journey is related to that of your marriage.

Though your worries and fears may prove to be unfounded, it could mean that you say goodbye to some folk and hello to others. Sometimes being different is a good thing! - everybody changes over time, we build on our experiences, at least you can be certain that this change is needed and this difference is one that lets you connect more fully with the woman that you know is inside you.

You already know that you have a best friend that accepts you for who you are, if she can others can! One friend like that is worth a dozen "fair weather" friends. x Good luck on your journey!

[KymmieL]

Willow, I feel for you. As Sadie says, true friends will stay with you. Accepting you how ever you are. Sometimes the 'D' needs to happen. So you can get on with the life you need to live.

We will be here to support you, in what ever happens.

 

Kymmie

[Leo]

Hi Willow, as others have said we are here to support you anyway we can.  Your story is a reminder that none of us are alone on this journey.  Thank you for sharing.   Sometimes how we write about our lives can affect our outlook.  For example, see the difference in what you wrote, and this...

 

I came out a month ago as a woman. I  told my father, brother, best friend, and spouse. My father denied my truth. He told me I was mentally ill.  That is BS.  I am not mentally ill.  I refuse to speak with him until he acknowledges my truth. 
 

I told my wife.  She loves me.. We are getting a divorce because we haven't been happy for a long time.