My brother wants to out me to his GF

[Wolfe]

My brother has a girlfriend i have never met. He is 23 and seems serious with this girl. Thus, I will eventually meet her one day

He has Stated I am his brother, nothing more. But says that, despite my arguments against it, she'll have to know me being trans as she will ask questions such as why do i look feminine (im sure i don't) or others. Frankly I feel like the answer is simple. It is none of her business

 

I feel uncomfortable with other people telling others I am trans, particularly if they haven't met me or I don't trust them. He has done this with his previous girlfriend and i don't know how to explain to him that it is my business,  and If i don't want someone to know, they won't. 

 

I am not ashamed of being trans, but if I had a choice i would want them to know me as only who I am now.

 

 

[VickySGV]

This is not a good position to be in.  I was outed by a family member to hostile other members of my family and damage was done that still lasts.  Outing ourselves is a very personal thing and should be our choice.  That said, you may not have the choice to do it, but the how, where, and when should be your choice as you are ready.  Your brother is taking a chance two ways that could affect him negatively as well so it is a bit sticky.  He could get dumped for telling on you because it proves he does not respect personal privacy or she simply will not date someone with a Family Skeleton because of her own issues.  My suggestion is to work a deal where you can get some idea of what she is like and how she may react, and make a deal with your brother to let you come out on your own terms after they get to know you for a while. 

[Jennifer Paige]

Welcome to the forums, Wolfe!

 

Wow, that sounds like a challenging situation.  My immediate sense is to suggest you seek professional counsel on this one.  It seems your brother is not only acting aggressively, but may even be setting you up to be blamed for any failed relationships with girlfriends of his.  In this case, it's not counseling for being trans per se, it's counseling to defend against verbal and psychological attacks from him, relationship counseling versus trans counseling.  You should know how to respond to him, including the extreme option of cutting him out of your life for whatever time is necessary.  (I had to do that with my family years ago.  I separated from them for four years.)  This is about personal and psychological self-defense.  You may still want to do this through a trans counselor, but it's again about self-defense.

 

That's just my view.  Good luck!

[Josie Beth]

28 minutes ago, VickySGV said:

This is not a good position to be in.  I was outed by a family member to hostile other members of my family and damage was done that still lasts.  Outing ourselves is a very personal thing and should be our choice.  That said, you may not have the choice to do it, but the how, where, and when should be your choice as you are ready.  Your brother is taking a chance two ways that could affect him negatively as well so it is a bit sticky.  He could get dumped for telling on you because it proves he does not respect personal privacy or she simply will not date someone with a Family Skeleton because of her own issues.  My suggestion is to work a deal where you can get some idea of what she is like and how she may react, and make a deal with your brother to let you come out on your own terms after they get to know you for a while. 

What Vicky said, however if he can’t respect your boundaries then like Jennifer says it may signal the cutting of ties for a while. I’ve done that in the past with my own family because they were violating my boundaries and even turned against me when I was already under attack by an ex. It’s not that I wanted to teach them a lesson but my own sanity demanded some distance. Sure they mourned me, reported me missing and even thought I was dead. But I needed that time to heal some things and discover me. Since returning to the fold so to speak I found no significant changes, my dad is still a control freak and sadly my brother still shares the same belief system even though he knows we were taught wrong. So I’m already priming him for me backing off again and he knows it. It’s sad that I know I have to do this again and unfortunately it’s going to effect people who are caught in the middle but it’s not about them, it’s about keeping my sanity. 

 

Anyway, hopefully it won’t come to that kind of extreme for you and your brother will respect your feelings about it this time.