Very scary leap

[Adaline]

Hey everyone,

 

Awhile back I had several conversations, with the group, about the situation with my wife and dealing with a transition.  Many felt that she would come around because are love is so strong.  That doesn’t look like it’s going to happen.

 

I recently petitioned the courts for a name change.  At first she tolerated it but that has changed.  

 

She doesn’t want me to socially transition.  She looks at a change of name socially transitioning, she’s probably right.  So now the plans to separate begin.

 

It would have been a very strange conversation if an outsider was looking in.  We held each other, crude with each other, felt the same pain of loss and outlined the plan.  If you didn’t what you we where talking about you would assume that one of us is being sent off to war and was unlikely to return.  No anger, no accusations, no bitterness just l love you but I can’t live with you.  

 

It it will take several months for us to get our affairs in order.  We will live together and love each other until the name change is official.  It’s like one of us has a terminal illness and we are trying to pack an entire life in and future into a few months of living.

 

All I have to do is not socially transition.  All I have to do is not change my name.  Is she asking to much?  Is it worth it?  

 

Gender dysphoria is like living a slow agonizing death for me but and lest I had my wife to pull me together.  Will I be any happier if I transition with no one to share my life?

 

My wife, my family and all my friends are Jehovah’s Witness.  Transitioning will mean the loss of my entire community.  Can I survive it alone?

 

Even not I’m dumping my feelings out on the internet to strangers.  These would be the feelings my wife would help me get through and I’m sitting here all alone

 

 

[SaraAW]

Adaline, my heart breaks listening to your situation. I am still not out to my wife and am dreading doing so, but I’m going to do it soon. 

 

I wish i had some sort of sagely advice to give you. All I can think to tell you is to maybe try and find a therapist to work through what you really want for yourself and to help with coping strategies for whichever path you decide to walk down.  At the end of the day, it’s your life and you need to do what is best for your wellbeing. 

 

*hugs*

[SugarMagnolia]

I'm so sorry to hear this, Adaline! There are only a very few of us for whom everything works out perfectly and one way or another, many of us have to choose which sacrifices to make. Only you can understand which choices will best contribute to your happiness.

Do you have a gender therapist that you can discuss these issues with? If not, that may be something for you to look into as you work through these critical decisions. 

For what it's worth, my wife and I are going through a similar process. We care for each other immensely, but she is not attracted to women, so my transition has been a deal breaker. In essence, I chose living authentically over our relationship because I'd tried compromising for years and it hadn't worked. I know other folks with kids and other considerations that have chosen to prioritize their family above themselves, and that's an equally valid decision. Each situation is different and only you can decide what's right for you. 

Do please keep us posted on how things are going and how you're doing. We may be strangers on the internet, but we care about you and your wellbeing.

Hugs,
Julie

[Jani]

Adeline I'm sorry to read about this stress.  I would ask yourself what do you need to do to be happy?  Can there be some sort of compromise where you don't change your name but do change up some of your presentation?  If you think full social transition is eventual and needed then the die is cast.  

 

The point that you both love each other still and (hopefully) can remain friends is good.  There are tradeoffs for every choice we make in life, so you need to take an unbiased view at the pro's and con's.  I was at a point that I was ready to give up it all, but I am thrilled I didn't have too.  You need to determine where you are.  There are many people who are happy living their lives with minor changes in their life.  By minor I mean less than full transition.  It could be growing hair, changing up some clothing choices while presenting outside, or even low dose hormone regimen.  

 

Please consider all your options and discuss them openly with your wife.  You truly love each other and I hope you can come to a compromise.  

 

Hugs, Jani 

[Kirsten]

Jani makes a lot of great points. All I would add, and it’s not the best thing, is if you don’t need that full transition, and your name is still a difficult thing for you, could you try a more androgynous name like a Jamie? Maybe a more non binary look as well? Ultimately these are all decisions you need to make. And unfortunately all choices do have consequences. You are the only one who can know where the line between want and need lies in your journey. 

I wish you the best with these difficult life decisions. ❤️❤️

[Jani]

Good point about the name.  I started using a "nickname" at ten and very few people knew my birth name unless I told them up until I was 60 when I dropped it.   I've known people throughout my life with unique alternate names that had nothing to do with their given names, and nobody seems to care.  Maybe you can leave your legal name as is but change up your informal name.  There are plenty of unisex names!   Its all about you and what you want and need in life! 

Jani

[Linde]

Not everybody may agree with what i ahve to say to this.  My very happy marriage of almost 36 years collapsed because of me transitioning.  We separated with a lot of anger.  Today, after almost 15 years, we are good friends, but I still love the woman, she is the love of my life, and I am alone now, without her at my side!
If I would have a chance to do it over again, I'd rather would stay in the closet if that would keep my marriage going.   I feel that I lost more than i gained.  Yes, I am a woman now, but a lonely woman, and I do not like this a bit!

 

But everybody has to decide for themselves, what is more important for their happiness, I made the wrong decission!

[Adaline]

SaraAW

 

thanks.  I have been seeing a gender therapist for over a year and a half.  The desire to transition is super powerful.  Now that I’m being forced to make a decision, I’m scared to death.  If it’s always going to be painful is it better to keep hiding and at least have my wife?

 

Unfortunately i struggle with thoughts of self harm that I constantly need to keep in check.  I need to feel there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that peace is on the other side.  Right now I feel like I’m in the darkest hole ever.

 

hugs

 

adaline

[Adaline]

Thanks for the wonderful words of advice.  My wife has made a lot of compromises already.  I’m 10 months hrt and live as a woman in private.  There are something’s I do in presentation but they are very  subtle.  Being a Witness, I can’t grow my hair out, get my ears pierced or wear makeup.  I can’t go part time because if I’m seen in public by someone in the congregation I will be disfellowshipped.  l can change my name.  The elders are not happy about it but it’s allowed.  I was planning on moving my first name to my middle name and use that when around the congregation.  Adaline was for me and me only.  To have one thing in my life that was completely female.  

 

Since I have been able to spend very little time in the public eye as myself my rle on what it would be like to go full time is limited.

 

in my early teens I was faced with this same choice.  Life my life as a girl and suffer the consequences or being what everyone wanted me to be.  I chose to stay very closeted.  I felt that was a mistake.  Am I about to make the same mistake again?

 

Linde makes a good point, does it matter that you are yourself if you have no one to share yourself with?  

 

I know now I’m a woman.  My wife knows I’m a woman but doesn’t want to be a lesbian.  For her it’s about what others think is what’s important.

 

She told me that for many months she did wish I would die.  My pain would be gone and it would be easier for everyone.  Now she would rather I live and transition than die.  This is her way of saying it’s okay to go.

 

hugs 

adaline

[Susan R]

4 hours ago, Adaline said:

She doesn’t want me to socially transition.

Adaline, this is very difficult news to read.  I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this.  This is a very difficult place and so are the choices you're forced to make.

 

I have been very open with my wife too and we have set boundaries about where and when I can dress.  My transition is still relatively new for her and We are taking it slow.

I am currently full time only in our home and can not crossdress in public at this time

I'm ok with this right now as my gender dysphoria is under control but wonder if it will last.

When I read your post earlier, I realized I'm in the exact situation.  I am not allowed to socially transition.  My situation is the same but just in defined terms.  The name change may have been the trigger but did your wife mention the name change as being a problem prior to actually filing?

4 hours ago, Adaline said:

She looks at a change of name socially transitioning, she’s probably right.

Did you have any specific restrictions and were they discussed.  I'm want to try to work through this in my situation in case I eventually need to socially transition myself.  I'm not sure there's any way to make sure it won't happen.  Some things are beyond our control.  Would you have done anything different if you could rethink this stage in your transition?

 

I hope that you will persevere in the upcoming difficult times. I truly wish you the best.  Thank you for sharing this.  It really is a wake up call for me.

 

Susan R?

[DeeDee]

1 hour ago, Adaline said:

The desire to transition is super powerful.  Now that I’m being forced to make a decision, I’m scared to death.  If it’s always going to be painful is it better to keep hiding and at least have my wife?

Ultimately you need to decide which option causes the least pain. You describe your current situation as living a "slow agonizing death", my view on marriage was that I wanted my partner to be happy - if that was elsewhere and with someone else then so be it, it took her 3 attempts to leave over 8 years but now that she has and I've accepted it too our relationship is actually better, there is also life outside your faith community - I know others who were ostracised and while it was painful at the time they have gone on to find other places where they are accepted and can express themselves and their faith properly.  Truly I don't think any of us want to be alone, but sometimes we have to be, without some things ending others would never start. x

[Kirsten]

Once again it comes down to what you need and what you want. Do you want to transition? Or do you need to transition? That’s a very important question you need to answer for yourself. 

For me it was transition or die. There was no in between. I tried every other option. I lived a year where every day I wore a bra and panties, had my toes and fingers painted, and I was fully dressed (usually in makeup too) in my home. It helped for about 4-6 months. Then the reckless behavior and out of control antics took over. I was losing my kids, my wife, and my friends and family. One night when I started a fight with a person in the middle of the street for no good reason I decided it was time to change things for myself.

Since that day I have been on a positive path. For the moment my partner is still with me. But some days I think it will end romantically. Some days I think there’s a chance. And I know I am very lucky that there is a chance. But mostly with a lot of help from people right here I know that I will be happy with who I am. And I’ll only loose my wife if I choose to because she will always be my friend, if I allow her to be. 

You have to be true to yourself. That’s all. Honest and truthful. The rest will wash out eventually. But be sure before you act. Some things can’t be taken back no matter how hard we may try. 

[Josie Beth]

I’m in a similar place as Kirsten. It was transition or die. I’m much happier accepting that. I have not come out to my family yet and maybe I will lose them. I don’t know. It’s preferable to what would happen if I didn’t transition. Because staying where I was before was literally going to get me killed and almost did several times. I’m much less likely to be around people who behave that way now. 

[Linde]

1 hour ago, Josie Beth said:

I’m in a similar place as Kirsten. It was transition or die. I’m much happier accepting that. I have not come out to my family yet and maybe I will lose them. I don’t know. It’s preferable to what would happen if I didn’t transition. Because staying where I was before was literally going to get me killed and almost did several times. I’m much less likely to be around people who behave that way now. 

I was also afraid that I loose the relatives of my ex. (I don't have any own family), but when my ex left me, they stuck with me, because they knew that I was a nice person and went through some real bad times.  Now that my relation to my ex is good again, we are all just a normal happy family again, and I just switched from my status of uncle to that of an aunt.

 

My biggest and most enthusiastic supporter is my niece, who is an ordained Methodist pastor!  You cannot judge people by the way you think they may react, I found this to be true throughout my entire transition!

[Jani]

Given what you have written about your self, wife and religion what do you think would be a good outcome?  It's obvious to me your religion would be the unmovable object in this trio.  Since it is so restrictive, have you considered living outside their tenants, or selecting another more affirming religion?  

 

4 hours ago, Adaline said:

She told me that for many months she did wish I would die.  ...Now she would rather I live and transition than die.

As your wife has moved from her initial opinion, do you think she would accept you at some time? 

 

4 hours ago, Adaline said:

This is her way of saying it’s okay to go.

What does this relate to?   Moving on without her?  Or go for further in transition with her?

 

I understand this is a tough position to be in when all your life is in the balance.  But life does change and we live on.  

 

All my best, 

Jani

[Adaline]

I think I’m transition or die.  When I came out a year and a half ago, me and my wife where determined to beat this.  That’s how determined and stupid we really were.  All my hidden stashes of clothes where thrown away and my internet profiles removed.  That lasted about a month.  

 

My wife actually suggested that we go bra and panty shopping to easy the  dysphoria.  To manage it for the last decade I drank like a fish.  Without drinking and having nothing to wear was torture.  A few months later it was pink pajamas and night gowns.  A few months after that it was wearing my dresses in the house.  That was not enough so it was wearing dresses to my group and individual therapy.  It became carrying a purse, very gender neutral but still a purse and starting hrt.  Then we bought makeup and she showed me how to do my hair with a flat iron.  Finally, when we traveled to places where nobody could possibly know us, I got to go in public.  Everytime she would set a line, it would be heaven for awhile and then the dysphoria returned.  

 

3 months ago it started to go the other way.  No public dressing period.  She has repeatedly asked that I stop talking estrogen, the breast are getting very noticeable.  She was not happy with the name change but was not going to stop it, now that’s changed and we are separateing.  

 

I think a full transition is the only answer.  I’m just not ready for doing it alone.  I foolishly have not made much contact with the trans community do to my wife’s fear that it would be bad association.  I need sometime to build that support.  The response today has been greatly encouraging.  Thank you all for taking the time to be there for me.

 

hugs

adaline

[Jani]

Adaline, aside from group therapy you might look in to seeing if there are any "Meet Up" groups in your locality that you could connect with in order to broaden your contact list.  I know there are many LGBT groups where I am.   I have several (cis) social groups that participate in and really enjoy the time.

 

Jani

[Susan R]

28 minutes ago, Adaline said:

Everytime she would set a line, it would be heaven for awhile and then the dysphoria returned.  

 

3 months ago it started to go the other way.  No public dressing period.  She has repeatedly asked that I stop talking estrogen, the breast are getting very noticeable.  She was not happy with the name change but was not going to stop it, now that’s changed and we are separateing.  

 These couple of sentences above are the scariest things I've read on this forum since I joined.  My wife and I set clear boundaries.  I don't think (at this very moment) that they are too restricting and they seem very common sense given our particular situation.  She is worried our kids and the grandchildren will find out so we set very specific boundaries.

One recent example of how this plays out for us is in my desire to have very long shaped nails.  Since coming out fully to her she has been ok with me having long nails UNLESS the kids come over to visit.  My daughter was going to stop by this weekend.  I told my wife, "Maybe I'll give you and (my daughter's name) some time alone to catch up."  My wife became upset because she read right through my statement.  She was right.  I can't keep avoiding my kids because of the line drawn in the sand.  I felt restricted and controlled though.  So I can see what you mean by setting up an agreed upon limit and then needing to constantly move that line to stop the gender dysphoria.  It's so subtle the way it happens too.  My wife has already made many concessions for me...and I gladly keep accepting them...is there no end?  Probably not.

 

Susan R?

[BrandiBri]

12 hours ago, Adaline said:

 Transitioning will mean the loss of my entire community.  Can I survive it alone?

I believe that if you need to transition that you will survive. I lost my wife due to health reasons before I began my transition, so I have been transitioning on my own from day one. Yes it is hard, I go from on end to the other emotionally. When at home I wish  that there was someone to talk to, and I can get depressed, however I am happy when I go to work since I interact with customers where I work. 

I have found that things have a way to work out whatever the way we go. I had no friends before transition, but I an gaining both trans and cis friends now that I am living full time as myself.

Only you can decide what path you want to take, but rest assured that we are here to support you no matter what.

 

Hugs,

Brandi

[Nicks1]

Adaline i would just like to stress that you are not alone in this process and never will be as far as this forum/community is concerned. Please don't think you will be alone because you won't be and everyone will be here no matter what and we will always listen and help. I come to this forum everyday to help me battle the fear of being somewhat alone and each day I'm reminded that everyone here will all help me with any issue or thought I have. Nobody should go through anything we're all going through alone, so please come to us if you feel you are even if you think it's silly I can assure you it's not. Im just so sorry to hear your wife thinks so badly of your real identity - Everyone deserves to be who they are. 

[Adaline]

The line has been moved again.  We are not making immediate plans to separate and she can live with the name change but asked that I promise not to transition, I told her that my years of lying are over and I can’t promise that that is not a distinct possible but I, we both, need to ready ourselves for that change.

 

She still hates the name change and states that she will leave me if I live openly as a woman but for now we will enjoy being together.

 

In the past my wife has been very restrictive in attending a support  group meeting.  She feels it would be bad association for me and that they would influence my decisions.  I started with a support group this month and will continue to do so.  I’m also taking steps to get closer to a couple girls I meet in therapy 6 months ago.  They wanted me to be involved in their lives but I kept them at a distance for a time but that has been changing since November.  On two occasions this girls literally save my life.  I have a special place I want to drive to to end my life, while making the preparations and driving to that location, I made a call for help and they have been the ones to answer.  They care for me and love me, I need to find more people like that, that are less concerned about my presentation and love me for who I am.  

 

This group out was so supportive yesterday.  It was a revaluation, there is life after transitioning!  When my time comes maybe my wife will will move again.  If there’s hope there’s life and like one person said to have a new beginning you must be ready to face an end.  I think I’m ready.

 

hugs

adaline

[Adaline]

Sorry for all the miss spelled and half sentences.  Still very emotional and not proofreading before hitting send. 

 

Sheepish look

adaline 

[Jani]

Adaline please get that "special place" out of your mind  Ending your life is not an answer to any problem.  

 

I'm glad to hear you enjoy your group meetings.  They can be so validating.  As Nicks1 said, you are never alone in this community.  We are always here. 

 

Jani

[Beverly]

You can lose a marriage. You can lose family. You can lose friends. You can lose a lot of things, but the pain and adjustment is worth gaining YOU! The longer you waffle, the more miserable you will become. And right now, are you really living? Are you happy? It can be a gut wrenching choice sometimes, but you have to choose life. Once you do, you'll attract new people into your life who'll support you for being you and you'll find happiness. Those people who leave you are making a choice based on their self-interest. That's fine. It's not your fault if they do. You didn't choose to be transgender. It chose you. Best wishes and lots of love.

[Adaline]

On 1/16/2019 at 6:26 PM, Susan R said:

These couple of sentences above are the scariest things I've read on this forum since I joined.

Susan, everyone’s dysphoria is  different and so is their journey.  Much will depend on if balance is possible.  Me and my therapist have worked to try to find that balance and at times we felt that we achieved it, but within months it would  dissolve.  That may not happen to you.  Me and my wife have no children, I’m 50 years old and between the dysphoria and hrt, intercourse is not possible.  This is just between me and my wife but it’s seams like everyone else’s comfort level dictates the limits imposed.  Your situation is different but if you feel you need to avoid spending time with those you love to protect your gender identity it may be an indication that your still looking for the compromise that allows you to be you. 

 

I think the hiding is the worst part of it, to continuously live with the chance of discovery of who you really are and what you really want.  This fear is not your own, it’s you wife’s.  if others notice your nails or shoes or whatever it’s not a big deal, it’s the fear of what others my think that sets the limits.

 

Again don’t let my situation prevent you from trying to find a balance with your wife but the balance needs to reflect you needs not just her fears.

 

hugs

adaline