Dysphoria Causing Ana

[killjoyaiden]

I had started restricting my diet around the time I came out. I was cutting back before then, but it didn't get really bad until dysphoria came into play. I didn't want to be curvy, I didn't want to have a big chest, I didn't want to have a big butt. So, I restricted and restricted. At my worse, I would fast for almost two days, and when I did eat, I wouldn't eat more than 400 calories at the very most. On average I ate 300. I'm in therapy now, and I'm technically in recovery, but I still have those thoughts of restricting, and I catch myself sometimes when I'm trying to cut out as many things as possible. I lost 40 pounds, but it's still not good enough. My hip and chest dysphoria are suffocating, yet nothing is fixing it. I can't start T for at least another two years. Has anyone else experienced this? WHat advice would you give me?

[MicahKj]

was in a similar place as a teen, refusing to allow any weight gain. i ate more wood products than actual food, would puke most of what i did get down back up, and i would try to stunt my bone growth by fastening physical restrictions around areas i did'nt want to grow any wider... which mostly just resulted in lasting joint damage.
i couldn't tell you up or down about carbs or proper diets, i've never counted them or gone on one right. but, assuming you're young, i would strongly advise that regardless of what shape your body may take, take care of it. you can go back and learn to work around/compensate for areas you don't like, have some removed/others worked on, but it's harder to work back up your physical health if you run it into the ground. try to keep an eye on longterm success.

perhaps try to lose it through exercise or working out rather than diet change. exercise can improve your mental health, and muscle feeds on fat and proteins and will help even out your shape by adding bulk to other, not-necessarily feminine looking places. you don't need to be amab to get built, but muscles are more often stereotyped with a masculine persona, so building up a bit would add a lot more to how you pass than just trying to get skinny enough that there isn't any room for boobs or butt to exist... which, as someone who grew up/and is still stuck far underweight, i'll tell you this right now: you will not get skinny enough to make them go away. i can count each of my ribs from rested-breath and my pelvic corners poke out like roadkill, but i still have a B-cup and hips wider than my shoulders. until you get estrogen blocked out, your body will always default your fat to feminine areas, and they will always be the last parts of your body to deflate as you lose weight. if you're trying to get thin enough that these areas cease to exist, it will not happen until every other part of you is too threadbare to function properly, which will only hinder your transition.
aside from that period symptoms become exponentially more of a pain in the arse the worse your health is, transition itself relies on your overall health. HRT will heavily try on your body's systems and wreak hell on your organs if they're not in good shape, and if you get to be too unhealthy/high risk for anesthesia due to health complications it could stall your SRS indefinitely. if you're getting on T, take care of your liver, don't overdo pain meds if you can help it, don't give into heavy drinking, and give your body the resources it needs to maintain itself. 

[Jani]

Limiting your caloric intake to below that needed for healthy sustainment is not good.  You can change your diet to limit certain aspects though.  Also get involved in a weight/strength training program.  Understand that muscle weighs more than body fat so don't focus so much on that as much as on how you look and feel.  It may be exactly what you are looking for. 

[killjoyaiden]

Thank you guys so much. You've given me a lot to remember. Thank you, MicahKj, you've definitely helped me. I appreciate you taking your time to write to me. ?