I'm out! Just not everyone knows!

[paige_40s]

Not everyone I know is aware that I am trans, as in my brothers and their families. I have been married for almost 31 years and my wife knows to a certain degree as do my two daughters, but my grandchildren have no idea.I am not out at my work place either, I just don't want to at this time! I am out to a couple of my doctor's and a few others. My wife always asks if I want to be a woman and I can never tell her that I do, she feels that I would want to leave her which is not the case. We love each other very much and have been together since we were teenagers ( she found out that at least I was into wearing woman's clothes). anyway the older I get the more I realize that I am truely a woman I'm just not sure that everyone needs to know?

[DeeDee]

3 hours ago, paige_40s said:

I'm just not sure that everyone needs to know?

Hi Paige, pleased to meet you! It seems like you have already told the most important people. I have only told a select few people so far and while there are a few more I would like to tell, I have no intention of letting everyone know, if and when I decide to be Dee full time then people will notice and I will let them do all the announcing to one another. I personally do not need or want the drama of officially coming out all the time.

 

Not everyone in your extended family and friends list needs an official declaration, they will find out soon enough and there are lots of people on here who are in committed relationships, transitioning does not mean that you have to end the marriage. x

[Beverly]

Awesome, Paige! If a trans person can keep it to themselves or only share with a few people and be happy, then that's all that matters -- being happy. There's no rule that says being trans requires telling the whole world. For me, being happy meant that I had to disclose to everyone and live openly as the woman I am all the time. We're all different and that's a good thing. Best wishes in your trans journey!

[Jani]

Hello Paige.  You don't say whether you actually want to let others know.  As others have noted you don't have to tell others unless you plan to socially transition.  That said, you probably should have the discussion with your wife.  She is your best and closest friend, and you said she knows to a degree as you wear woman's undies. This would possibly put her fears to rest and allow you to be more comfortable since you wouldn't be hiding your secret.  It was the only secret I had ever kept and it felt good to get it out in the open.  Give it some thought.  You may want to let your daughters know at some point as well, although seeing as they don't live at home there is no rush to do so now.

 

I know this is hard.  It was a very stressful situation for me (my therapist kept after me) but I was relieved afterwards.  It began a long journey for me and her.   I was unable to determine a clear way to tell her so I wrote my wife a letter that I asked her to read after dinner one evening.  I waited in another room.  

Of course this isn't something any woman wants to hear so make sure you are clear about your intentions and your sexuality (mine didn't change!)  Remember that you've lived with this secret for decades and she to date, only has a single piece of the puzzle.  Trust her love in you, and your love for her.  

 

All my best,

Jani  

[Cyndee]

34 minutes ago, Jani said:

Of course this isn't something any woman wants to hear so make sure you are clear about your intentions and your sexuality (mine didn't change!) 

 

Hi Paige, I want to emphasize these words above from my friend Jani. This is a really good point made, being consistent, not back peddling, in the messaging, this is your well being with in the relationship that is at stake. Realize there will be losses incurred for Cis-hetro (straight) woman that entered into a marriage with a partner that transitions later, can't emphasize this enough in empathizing from her point of view, lot's of listening required. For example my wife is not lesbian, never was, but we love each other so much, our relationship built on many pillars. This really is a long process only beginning with the initial disclosures. As far as coming out to others, consider this information on a "need to know basis" only, keeping it simple, does not let things get out of control too quickly by telling too many others, these days, the word travels fast, without a news blast ;-).

 

Best wishes, love does in fact conquer all, it can work.

 

Hugs

 

Cynthia -

[Jani]

Thank you Cynthia for clarifying my post.  

 

Paige, my wife is not a lesbian and the thought of being seen as one is not pleasant for her.  But she loves me and I her (43 years married).  You will no doubt have lots of conversation about this.  While my wife has gotten to the point of surprising me by telling a few people she works with, we do not share this information when out and about.  

 

I know by definition I am lesbian but I only have eyes for one woman.

 

All you need is love.  Love is all you need.

Jani

[Susan R]

Hi Paige, it's a pleasure to meet you.  There's some great advice here.  I can't add much to what advice has already been given with this particular situation but can tell you a little about my similar situation.

At first, I withheld a lot of what I was planning to do in regards to transitioning with my wife and she thought its was just an annoying little habit that was likely going to disappear down the road.  It's wasn't until I went full disclosure starting from the very beginning at age 4.  I gave her "the rest of the story" awhile later and she has since become my best ally.  Everything changed within 3-4 days of letting her know everything.

My wife & I both now decide who knows and who doesn't need to know about my transition as it affects us both.  If your not dressing full time or as Jani stated..socially transitioning, you and your wife could decide together who should know...if she knows the entire truth.

Thanks for sharing and joining in the discussion here.  I hope it works out for you whatever you decide to do.

 

Susan R?

[paige_40s]

Thanks everyone for the great advice and comments! there has been a lot of very helpful input that has made me feel a little more comfortable with a few things. My wife is the most important person to me and my best friend! I have never told her my true feelings about how much I feel and want to be a woman, even when she asks me if that is what I want I can't bring myself to tell her! I know she loves me very much but for as long as we have been together she hasn't fully accepted this part of me. She can tolerate the makeup, clothes but not the wig! She doesn't want me going out either but I have to be out! I don't believe that she would ever go out with me. Anyway thanks for all the replies!