How I Came Out & Why I Waited

[Michelle F]

Oh dear! Coming Out! It's a lengthy read...

 

Here goes…

 

Officially, I came Out as Transgender MtF in May of 2018!

 

This is how it all began...

My Mother passed peacefully on June 5, 2013 somewhere between 9a and 10:30a. I went to Walmart for our monthly supplies. I am an only child and she was the last of my family. I was the last man standing in the whole fam damily.

Because I my only personal income was SSI at the time, less than $900. I couldn't afford where we lived so I became homeless.

For two years I wandered California from Humboldt County south to Fort Bragg - on to San Luis Obispo on the Pacific Coast Hwy -  then back north on US 101 up to

San Francisco - continuing up to Redding on I-5 and back to Humboldt via US 299.

 

In late 2015 I was compelled to stay in Humboldt. On August 30, the VA decided I was disabled enough to warrant Non-Service Related Pension. I got $3000 back pay and then $1000 a month since. My hips were about to separate from my torso. Only flesh and tendons were holding me together. Both were equally bone to bone. Femur to pelvis!  So I bought a travel trailer and moved it to an RV park. Now I have residence I can get hips replaced ASAP.

 

On April 16, 2016 my left hip was replaced. One week in hospital recovery. Three weeks in rehab. The next August 16, the right hip was replaced. I walked in at 5 am. Had surgery and walked out at 4:15pm

(FYI: At this time I had Hepatitis C type 2a from a transfusion while serving in the US NAVY in 1972)

In May of 2017 right after Mother's Day I headed south again. Bad relationship and too cold now with titanium ceramic alloy hips. I was done with Humboldt County.

 

AMTRAK here I come. I heard Healthcare was more accessible in Socal.

 

When I got to San Luis Obispo I went VSO. First I asked about housing; then I asked about Hep C treatment. They said I needed to go to Loma Linda Veterans Hospital outside Riverside. On my way there I learned Palm Springs area had the best treatment for Hep C and HIV so off I went. I figured if they are experience with two major deadly viruses then I'd be in good hands.

On May 22, 2017 at 2am I arrived in downtown Palm Springs on AMTRAK. I learned that I could get a hot meal and some useful info at a Church. So I went there. At 11a I was given a ride to the Church where I met my partner Shawn. (We had lunch and talked. We moved in together a few months later and we are still together).

 

That week I signed up for Hep C treatment and met my current Primary Care Physician.

 

(fast forward to March 30 2018. In April 2018 I was Officially declared cured of Hepatitis C!)

(FYI - at this point I was a Straight  CISGender man. At least I thought was. I was anything but Comfortable In my Skin!)

Still early April...

 

I was feeling off...more so, I made an appointment to see my Doc and see why I was feeling the way I felt. Keep in mind, the Doctor I picked just so happened to be a top local Transgender specialist. I didn't know that at this point. More on this later.

 

I explained how I felt. He seemed concerned and ordered more bloodwork. He suggested that I make myself comfortable at home and relax for a week. He said he had an idea what was wrong and we'll discuss it after he sees the lab report. So I made my follow-up app’t and went home.

 

That evening I was thinking about my comfort levels. When I lived alone I would sleep nude. All my life I did. Being an old hippie nudity was common and not a bad thing. I can't sleep with clothing on. The bed has clothing why do I need clothing? I knew Shawn was gay and he accepted my hetero preference without pressure nor too many questions. All was good in the universe.

 

We shared a bedroom with two twin beds in an ‘Homeless Transitional Housing’ scenario while looking for a place we could afford. We are very compatible and work well together so living together seemed logical.

 

I was laying there on my bed watching tv. Out of the blue I casually asked for permission to sleep nude as I didn't want to offend him and I reassured him that I am not seeking an advance. He laughed and said “Of course! Be comfortable. Don't worry, be happy.”

 

A week later I go to my follow-up. My Doc seemed cheerful enough and not overly concerned with anything specific. Then we started going over the lab report.

 

His first question: Are you always tired?

Answer: Absolutely not. Can't sleep more than 6 hours a night. I don't need an alarm clock. I know when I'll get up by what time I go to bed.

 

Second question: How's your sex life?

Answer: Non existent!

 

Third: Do you masturbate regularly?

Ans: Yes… Well… I try…!?

 

What he said next changed my life…

 

“Both your free and serum Testosterone are very low. It would be normal if you were a woman. While your Free and serum Estradiol would be normal for a man it would be very low for a woman. Do you now or have you ever thought you might have feminine proclivities?

 

“Well,” I said, “as a matter of fact, as a child I thought I was a malformed girl. I had different plumbing. In the neighborhood I grew up in there were no boys my age. All were very much older or way younger. I had a dozen girlfriends growing up. Two male friends by the 4th grade”

 

Then he asked me again how I felt now…

 

All of a sudden I remembered a wish I had made many years ago. I wished I was a girl. All those thoughts came flooding back. I became sad. Deep inside I still yearned for that female proclivity to be in charge. So I said softly. “I am feeling vulnerable. I feel embarrassed!

 

That's when the bomb dropped. He clearly noticed my visible sadness. He said, “Have you ever thought of transitioning?”

 

Huh??? I had never heard of such a thing. I said, “Please explain!”

 

He called it ended Dysphoria. He then proceeded to tell me about Transgender and MtF conversion and what that entails. At this point I missed everything he said. The thought of becoming a woman was all I could think about. So many times I had thought there has got to be a better way. I've always felt feminine. Also, ever since 7th grade… middle school, I had been accused of being gay. Not me! No friggin way.

 

When he stopped talking I must have had a blank or puzzled look on my face. He asked if I was alright?

 

I said, “maybe (long pause)”

 

Then with all seriousness I looked him straight in the eye and asked point blank, “ ...and just exactly HOW do I go about transitioning?”

 

He said, “When you present to me, here at DAP, full-time as female, then we'll talk!” I asked, “ok when can I have my next appointment?” He said “I'll be right back”

 

A couple minutes later his nurse comes in and told me tomorrow. I ask what do I do to present properly? She said, “Come in dressed as a woman. When you commit to full-time you'll start HRT.”

 

“Hmmm… That's all? THAT'S ALL??? REALLY???”, I quipped. He just nodded nd held the door open...

I got home and proceeded to attempt at dressing up! Shawn was like, “Okay… what's going on. So I told him. He knew what's up. I didn't. So he explained the finer details of dressing like a girl and then asked me if I was really serious. I reiterated that I was. I had no family to convince or argue with. I had no old friends either. I was a stranger in a strange land and I was ready for change.

 

He then helped me dress convincingly. He has a sister so he was somewhat an authority. One of the women that lived there helped me with some simple makeup. You know eyeliner and shadow. Some mascara and she feminized my brows. I had long hair but bald. So I donned a black and white camo Aussie Bush Hat, a turquoise tank top and cut-off jeans n flip flops. She did my nails with a nice turquoise polish. Boom! I didn't look bad. Actually somewhat convincing!

 

Shawn also explained that if I am honestly straight and still thinking of being a woman then I could very well be transgender. Caitlyn Jenner and Chelsea Manning came to mind and I got it immediately!

 

So… I came out on Tax day 2018… LoL!

 

I have not worn men's clothing since.

 

I started HRT on April 16, 2018.

 

Today, my breasts are a natural B cup. I am getting a girlish figure and I have begun electrolysis on my face and will be getting GRS soon. I have submitted both letters of medical necessity. I have met my Top Surgeon!

 

Life is good...

 

So there is my back story. This is how I came out. Why and when and I am so glad I did!

 

Love,

Michelle

[Susan R]

Wow! @Michelle F, you have had one interesting life.  It's amazing the diversity in everyone's transition or coming out stories and yet we all still are on a similar path to finding our true selves.  You were very lucky to land yourself with an experienced doctor specializing and working with TG individuals.  That in itself may have saved you years of struggle and going without a proper diagnoses.  I'm glad you're on the right track now.

 

Susan R?

[Cyndee]

Congratulations on your transition Michelle, I can see you are very happy now. It's not always easy or convenient.

 

Sounds like more good things to come, and best wishes with the up coming procedures....

 

Hugs

 

Cyndee -

[Michelle F]

Here is a pic from January 27, 2018. Shawn had moved in on the 10th at Transitional Housing with me.

 

It was called Cahuilla House after the local Native Tribe.

[Michelle F]

This one in from last August...

[Michelle F]

This one in from last August...

[Michelle F]

Just now, Michelle F said:

This one in from last December 28, 2018

I mean geeeez!¿!

[Michelle F]

Fine photo was edited on 28th...taken on 18th

 

 

Sheesh?

[Michelle F]

Why do I always do that. From now on imgoing to compose my post in Doc app then copy and paste!!!

 

I wanna pull my wig off !!!

 

Whew!

[Briana]

Very nice Michelle.  Thank you for sharing!

[Michelle F]

I Have other photos honest!

[Michelle F]

March 25, 2018

[Michelle F]

March 28

[Michelle F]

Week 2 Spironolactone, finasterideand progesterone

[Michelle F]

Week 3 progesterone discontinued

Spiro dosage cut in half

Finasteride same

[Michelle F]

June 07, 2018

Month 2 - Notice the calm... Also the Turquoise Top and black and white camo Aussie Bush Hat

Premarin, Spiro, fibasteride

[Michelle F]

Month 3

Premarin switched to Esterace and dosage doubled.

 

Hold on! It's going to be a bumpy ride!

[Michelle F]

Month5 

Sept 12, 2018

No change in HRT

 

Very stoned... Got some new wax! Exceptional