Wanting to come out but not knowing how

[Fish(i just want answers)]

Recently I've been considering coming out to my parents as a trans guy, but a few things are holding me back. For one, they claim that I'm lying. That seems to be a common issue in the LGBT+ community, as most parents must not want to accept that their child isn't going to live the life that they have planned.

 

My mother has said several times before that even if I was trans that she wouldn't believe me, because according to her I've been girly all my life. I don't think that's true, because while I have a very poor memory, all of my memories as a younger child told me that I believed myself to be boyish and a tomboy. There were many years where I wouldn't wear pink because I thought it was a girl color. I have some memories of what appears to be slight dysphoria, which I assume isn't common for a child around six or seven (which I was at the time). I've always been oddly convinced that I acted like a boy and wanted to do boyish things, whether or not that's actually how I seemed to everyone around me. From a young age, my mother tried to convince me that my more masculine features (wide shoulders, more square jaw, etc) would soften and look more girly, even though they were often the things I loved most about myself.

 

My mother also likes to bring up my hyper-feminine phase from a few months ago. She says it's proof that I'm a girl and nothing else. I've previously tried to explain to her that that stage also conveniently coincided with my levels of depression, and it was largely a desire to fit in. She knows full well that the idea of me questioning my gender has lasted since the end of last November, but she thinks I'm mimicking my friends. She knows that I know several trans guys, including a close friend. She thinks that I'm trying to be special and mimic them, and has therefore threatened to not let me see him again because she thinks it's the only reason I act this way. No matter what I tell her, she refuses to believe that the way I feel and the way I try to present is only for me and from me. 

 

I'm certain now that I experience dysphoria, so her arguments won't convince me otherwise. How many cis girls actually cry from joy in the mirror when they finally feel like they pass as a boy? How many cis girls feel like they want to peel their skin off when their body suddenly overwhelms you with the feeling that it isn't yours? How many cis girls hate it when they're called a girl and are constantly reminded of their own femininity like it's just there to make you miserable? How many cis girls want to throw up when they hear how high their voice sounds and actively try to lower it?

 

I've asked my mom several times to cut my hair short, and she's said no, despite her previously saying that it's my hair so I choose what to do with it. She tells me that I would look ugly and then gotten angry when I said that wasn't my concern. Then, after she gives the ultimatum that I can't cut my hair and she'll punish me if I do it myself, she gets angry if I tuck it into a beanie or a hat. She gets angry when I wear men's clothes. Recently, she's gotten my grandmother in on it so I can get yelled at by two of my family members instead of one.

 

I think my dad would probably be the most accepting of me, because when I first said I thought it was time that I cut my hair short, he just said 'Show us a picture and we'll say yes or no.' He has only had one objection to one of my guy shirts, and he says it's only because it reminds him of his middle school gym uniform and he's fine with me wearing any other guy shirt. He hasn't commented on me recently trying to lower my voice on occasion, and has tried to help when I told him that my vocal cords hurt. He's even accepting as far as sexuality goes, because he says he'd treat the person I bring home the same no matter their gender. I'm just worried that my mother's ideas are going to poison his acceptance of me the way I am (to clarify, I haven't actually come out to him, sexuality or gender wise).

 

My mother always says that if I come out to her, she'd try to change my mind. I already know she can't do that, because I've certainly been trying for the past half year. I'm just worried she'll take it too far and something bad will happen. I'd hate to split up my parents or something, but if my mother continues to act the way she has been, I don't know if I could live with her for the next 4-5 years before I can legally live on my own. I also don't think not coming out is an option, because my mother never stops trying to convince me that I'm her little girl and it makes me want to curl up into a ball and die. I'm just not certain that I could convince her I'm being genuine.

[VickySGV]

Mom is just going to have to be regarded as a lost cause I am afraid. The hardest argument for your mother to to win, is the one you won't give her. It will be HER loss and may leave her crying in her beer, but she does not own you or have the FINAL say in your life.  Dad will also have some problems but seems more realistic. 

 

My suggestion for the time it takes you to be out on your own is to NOT come out, but continue pushing things in the male direction.  Be a you, whatever that is, and don't really worry about the voice pitch.  One of the Altos in my chorus has a full beard and never gets misgendered in public.  You cannot do the beard for a while but  you get my point.  The fact you and mom have the discussions you have tells me you are OUT in her eyes already though.

 

 

[Kirsten]

A good percentage of parents of trans kids do eventually support their kids. But they do have a desire to give their children a good easy enjoyable life. Something like being trans affects that. Parents get scared. And they tend to take out their fears on us. Don’t give up on your mom. Don’t push too hard, but don’t be afraid to be yourself either. Also remember to some extent when you’re still at home you need to follow their lead. Her arguing your position here tells me she loves and cares for you. In my situation my mother told me to go away and that she couldn’t even look at me. And this is after a lifetime of abuse from being trans and I still hold a touch of hope that she turns a corner with me. Doubtful, but who knows. Your mom is still trying to connect. Yes it’s negative to what you want, but it’s based in love. 

Id keep trying to find small ways to educate her on what being transgender means, and find ways that you can share some the person you want to be with her without scaring her away. It’s a delicate balance with all close relationships when it comes to transition. Just don’t give up cause you never know. 

[Noah_Alexander]

   I understand a bit. My act REALLY femme. I always thought that I MUST be a girl if I like make up and act the way I do. The thing is I feel everything you explained feeling. Turns out I’m just a little gay boy lol. When it come to parents and family I agree with the people above. It’s your choice. I say if your dad is supportive then come out to him then you’ll have someone in your corner. Have him out you to your mum or have him be there to defend you when you tell her. My mum is weird about this stuff. Not unaccepting but she doesn’t understand. Oddly she connects trans people to furries. All the things that weren’t accepted when she was young are confusing her lol. My issue is my great Aunt and my great Uncle. They are super religious. It’s tough because the rest of my family disowned my mum and I because of her IC and anxiety and the fact she said that she didn’t want the Christmas gifts sent and that “No we aren’t having a good new year” we haven’t talked to them. They wouldn’t accept me anyway they’re old fashioned. And my dads side I don’t talk to them. They all are toxic and bad. Anyway I hope everything goes okay with you coming out. I’m waiting to find a way to tell my mum.

 

Let me know how it goes  

   Noah

[Fish(i just want answers)]

Well, it's about two weeks later and I'm happy to report that my dad is doing very well as far as acceptance goes. He said (this is a summary because I have a poor memory) that he didn't understand and that he may never truly understand, but he respects my right to this decision and that I have a reason to feel the way I feel. My mother is still having little temper tantrums at the slightest thing, but at least I have my dad's support.