Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

ToniTone

Name & pronoun "issues"

Recommended Posts

ToniTone

I titled this thread name & pronoun "issues" with quotes, bc I don't really have an issue with my name(s?) or pronouns. More of a curiosity as I adjust to them. And I want to have a dialogue of intrigue on this matter. 

 

I identify as transfeminine and two spirit. I've always loved my (birth/'undead') name Tony. Despite finally coming out as trans, I still have some attachment to Tony with a 'y'. 32 years is a long time to live with a name. I feel it not entirely a deadname to me, perhaps it lives on in the diminished/ghosted masc part of my duality. Do any of you have an attachment, or perhaps even a "vestigial use" of sorts, to your deadname? 

 

I love how the feminine variation of Tony is Toni. And I love the name Toni. It's me! It's like "I'm still Tony, but now I'm Toni" you know!? I dotted the 'i' with a little heart the other day, and it was such a simple joy to do this. My friends spell my name as Toni now and it feels so validating (flattering even). It seems so right. 

 

Although my given name is Toni (nee Tony), my "full deadname" would be Anthony. The feminine variation of that would be Antonia ("priceless", "praiseworthy" (I dunno about that one), and "beautiful") or Antionette. I find it fascinating how often these names appear in royal lineages. I'm a bit of a narcissist, so my passion for my name ties into this. But anyway... 

 

Do any of you have a deadname that had a convenient and acceptable variant that matched you and your true gender? And did you have a relatable experience or interesting realization? 

 

And I just have to bide my curiosity; for those of you who didn't have a convenient/acceptable variation of your deadname, how did you go about discovering your identifying name? Did you have to improvise it? Did you have or find a connection to it? What was YOUR experience like? 

-----------------

As for my pronouns, (for now anyway) I'm pretty open about them. I'm more feminine than anything, but I still present as masculine, so for now people who don't know I'm trans (only out to friends irl for now, close to coming out to friends and public) refer to me in masculine pronouns, and I'm ok and used to that. Some people (like my pa) might feel uncomfortable, alienated, confused or whatever about me being trans, I think I'm ok with letting the elder generations of (pa and grands) refer to me as male. I don't think I'll be able to culture their "traditional values". Is this ingenuine, or is it justified? 

 

I'm open to non-binary terms too. I don't see myself as entirely female, at all male, maybe it's neither. Is they/them a safe go-to when one is unsure of someone else's pronouns?

 

Really I'm pretty punk rock and unphased by/apathetic of what people think of, feel about, or call me. They can call me mud, they can call me scum, or some other four letter word, for all I care... 

 

I'm definitely more feminine than not. I came out to most of the people I know, all my open minded friends. They have been very warm and supportive of me in this. They're almost exclusively queer and queer supportive. I didn't even have to explain myself or my pronouns to them...

 

Inexplicably, they just knew right away to refer to me in the feminine! I must admit it's very foreign and new to me to be acknowledged and referred to as fem. Sometimes I double take. But it feels right. It's so wonderful that my friends validate me. It feels lovely to be referred to as what you are after assuming a facade your whole life. 

 

Did any of you experience this adjustment to new pronouns early on in your transition? Or feel that same gratification from finally being validated for what you are? 

 

I'm eager to hear y'all's experiences and have a dialogue about this! 

What's in a name..? 

 

Love ❤️

~Toni

Share this post


Link to post
Robin

Hi Toni,

 

I have been fortunate, as the name that my parents gave me is considered appropriate for either gender. 

 

It is interesting to note that for feminine applications, Robin is sometimes replaced with Robyn, which is the opposite of the convention with your name.  This is not always the case though, and for me, it is not worth the hassle of changing it.

 

Robin.

Share this post


Link to post
Kirsten

Hmm. We’ll pronouns and names are a big validating factor of transition for sure. Hearing that approval from others really changes my mindset a lot.

But it comes with a side effect which is the annoyance that comes with being misgendered. I was an “I don’t care about pronouns and dead names” girl when I started. But at this point it’s been over half a year since I started using my name, and short of a telemarketer call, one ass at work, and a random oops, I don’t hear my dead name or a sir mr he him or any of that anymore. But when I do it can be annoying. Depending on the context obviously. 

As for my name, my assigned name was Michael. And the obvious choice was to go with Michelle right? But for me my assigned name comes with baggage. My father was a loser drug addict pedophile. And I was a junior. And my mother has disowned me for transitioning. I wasn’t going to stay with that name. So for me Kirsten is just one of those names that has always been in my head as long as I can remeber. Plus it separates me just a little more from my past. And everyone says it really fits my personality too. So double win! 

Share this post


Link to post
ToniTone

To Robin-I always loved that name! Either spelling of it.

 

It's funny how just one subtly different vowel can carry so much context. And yet we can be so accepting of it. 

 

To Kirsten-It's a lovely name. From your little profile avatar on my tiny phone screen, I'd say you totally look like a Kirsten, if I may say so. 

 

From what you told me here and what I can recall from other replies on my threads, it sounds like you had some rough spats and struggles in your life, if I may be so bold. I can relate to wanting to evade the sadness of the past and changing my name with that. If I was born with a name I didn't love so much (Tony is like the coolest male name ever imo), I'd probably change it too. 

 

I hope you heal/are healed of the sorrows of your past, and are content and at peace in your life. ❤️

 

 

So anyway, you see where I'm coming from then on the pronouns? I'm just beginning this journey. I still present as male, and bc of this and where I live (male only sober house, for the time being  anyway), I'm a little slow or reserved in actively changing it. This is temporary thugh... for... convenience I guess? Don't really feel the need to stir the pot or agitate the all-male house I live in by alienating it's residents with my not-male gender atm. I'm accustomed to playing double agent.

 

But I intend to come out 'publicly' soon. I feel a want and need to validate my gender, not hide in "shame" of it or whatever (I say in quotes bc I'm not ashamed of it, and I'm pretty shameless anyway). 

Share this post


Link to post
ChickenLittle

To answer your question: My birth name was incredibly feminine, with no masculine variant that I'm aware of. Even growing up, I never liked it and always dreamed of changing it. Funny story, I ended up changing my name before I realized that I'm transmasc and chose a gender-neutral name for myself (it's a family name, the one my mom originally wanted to use for me before my dad picked the super femme one I ended up with). So when I decided to transition, I stuck with the name I picked. At this point, my birth name doesn't even register as something related to me at all. It's interesting how people have such varied feelings and experiences with names!  

Share this post


Link to post
Kirsten

Thanks Toni. I am as healed as I will ever be. I grew up in a bad situation. Took a lot of flack and abuse for being trans since I was little. But there’s no love loss for me with my family. I did my due diligence to be accepted by those people. My dad is gone and my mom is a loser. My step dad is useless at this point as well. So I’m over them. 

Pronouns will start to take care of themselves to some extent. As you start to look different you’ll hear more of the she/her stuff. For me the he/him didn’t bother me until it was all she/her. When everyone calls you she for months and then you hear he it’s a little crappy. But usually it’s accidental and no big deal anyways. 

As for coming out publicly, be sure you’re ready. Half of me wishes I waited. The other half says screw that. Lol. I came out and started living fully as female about 3 months into hrt. But for me I was closeted for 30+ years and fully aware. I had enough by then. And it really helped my mental state. So I’m happy I did things my way. If I hadnt I’d probably be divorced right now and maybe dead. It was what was right for me. And that right there is the important thing. What is right for you. But I will say had I waited for a while like most do, the social awkwardness would have been less. And it would have made things easier socially. Both on me and my people.

So just be sure. It can be tough. When that nobody calls you out and shames you for being trans, it’s no fun. Only happened a couple times for me. But those moments suck mostly because you’re never expecting it. It’s hard to always be prepared. Especially when you’re just doing your own thing. 

Share this post


Link to post
killjoyaiden

My legal name has a unisex nickname that's attached to it, which I went by when I first came out. However, it was only a "safe name" so when I became more stable in my identity, I changed it to Aiden. I still have a little bit of a connection to my dead-nickname, only because of the memories tied with it. Anytime someone refers to me by it, it feels like they're talking about someone else, yet I respond to it. It's a weird feeling to describe, but it's like if i was an actor and my dead-nickname was the name of the character I was playing. It's not my actual name, but I still respond to it because it's my character. Idk that's the best way I know how to describe it. 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
ToniTone

To ChickenLittle-It is so interesting! That's why I made this thread. I crave these stories. Is that bad? 

 

I can't imagine wanting to change my name when I was young or ever (well, unless you consider changing from Tony to Toni a drastic enough change). I always wondered what that was like. 

 

To Kirsten-I'm glad to here. Sometimes just being ok is just great, if that riddle makes any sense. It's good when you can come to terms with the past. The memory remains but the pain is passed. 

 

I'm pretty fortunate, most of my family is estranged are jerks and I'm over them. The only family I have is my ma, and I know she'll never abandon me, I just hope she isn't too disappointed. All my friends are awesome! They're all artist, punk rock, liberal or anarchist, queer and queer supportive. I came out to them and they all been very supportive, nothing about our friendship has changed. 

 

To killjoyaiden-Yeah I hear ya. I also identify as Two Spirit. I still feel like my masc side is within, it's just taken a back seat and let Toni come out and do her thing. It's kinda like Tony still there playing double agent. 

Share this post


Link to post
ChickenLittle
On 3/28/2019 at 3:37 PM, ToniTone said:

To ChickenLittle-It is so interesting! That's why I made this thread. I crave these stories. Is that bad? 

 

I can't imagine wanting to change my name when I was young or ever (well, unless you consider changing from Tony to Toni a drastic enough change). I always wondered what that was like. 

 

To Kirsten-I'm glad to here. Sometimes just being ok is just great, if that riddle makes any sense. It's good when you can come to terms with the past. The memory remains but the pain is passed. 

 

I'm pretty fortunate, most of my family is estranged are jerks and I'm over them. The only family I have is my ma, and I know she'll never abandon me, I just hope she isn't too disappointed. All my friends are awesome! They're all artist, punk rock, liberal or anarchist, queer and queer supportive. I came out to them and they all been very supportive, nothing about our friendship has changed. 

 

To killjoyaiden-Yeah I hear ya. I also identify as Two Spirit. I still feel like my masc side is within, it's just taken a back seat and let Toni come out and do her thing. It's kinda like Tony still there playing double agent. 

 

No way, I think sharing stories and talking about the diversity of our experiences is a great thing! Also, it sounds like we run in similar circles-- back when I lived in Kansas, I spent a lot of time with the punk/artist/anarchist communities there. :D 

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   2 Members, 0 Anonymous, 81 Guests (See full list)

    • VickySGV
    • KymmieL
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      68,877
    • Total Posts
      621,861
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      5,612
    • Most Online
      8,356

    MattM
    Newest Member
    MattM
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Arianna
      Arianna
      (23 years old)
  • Posts

    • Carolyn Marie
      Welcome to Trans Pulse, Mark.  If you're looking for support, this is a great place for it.  Ask any question, start threads, whatever you need, we'll be there for you.   HUGS   Carolyn Marie
    • Carolyn Marie
      Awesome!   Carolyn Marie
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/2019/09/19/hud-secretary-ben-carson-makes-dismissive-comments-about-transgender-people-angering-agency-staff/?fbclid=IwAR0FqFpp4S_aQnZ4wQjMxgwtOoEMnpKTt546kVc3LnfkVOaB4PUuOGT1ByU     Given his past statements, I have no doubts that what he's alleged to have said is accurate.  He is a disgrace and needs to be gone, even before his boss is.   Carolyn Marie
    • Jani
      Greetings Markjvp.  Your intro was fine.  Telling our family, especially at a young age is fraught with peril so I can relate to your story.  I am guessing you are about 16 so you still have some time to go before you graduate High School and can move out on your own, or go to college.  I know the time seems long, but in reality it's not.  Focus on your education as it will sustain you for the rest of your life.     As to starting transition, if that is your goal, a couple years will not make a huge difference.  You want to remain at home where you have a roof over your head and meals to eat.  Don't do anything rash.  Your family may or may not ever get "fixed" as this is their choice to understand.  Your choice is to be the best you that you can be.  Look around there are other stories like yours here.     Cheers, Jani
    • Jani
      This is so good to read that you have found the way to sobriety that suits you.  You have so much to be happy and grateful for, especially for the inner strength you posses.  Yeah for you!  You will get over your shyness and insecurity in due time.  I believe in you.  Your sponsor sounds like a caring person.     Hugs, Jani
    • michelle_kitten
      Mmmm.  I see it all the time.  Christians feel attacked by Atheists.  Atheists feel attacked by Christians.  Gays feel attacked by straights.  Straights feel attacked by gays.  Trans-people feel attacked by cis people and vice-a-versa.  The tendency to tribe is natural, and I am not sure it is entirely driven by some ancient arms race, but it is certainly there.   I used to work in a game store.  People would come in to use our tables for their D&D games.  I've seen tons of different types of D&D games.  If you're not familiar with Dungeons and Dragons, it is part game and part story telling.  In the game, the players are faced with all sorts of moral dilemmas.  Do we attack the big ugly ogre guarding the imprisoned princess, trick him into going away, or bargain with him.  As part of the game, you decide whether your character is good or evil, and you are expected to play your character accordingly.   What I discovered was two things:   1) the groups which were most successful were the one's who shared the same overall world view.  These were the groups who stayed together the longest, played most often together, and were most harmonious in their play.   2) Different people have very different definitions or concepts of what is good and evil.   This lead me to observe other types of social groups.  Lots of social groups are arranged around common interests, like sports, coin collecting, Amish bluegrass music translated into Japanese, or whatever.  More importantly, groups are places where people practice and affirm a shared world-view in each other.  The more they are aligned with each other's world-view, the more successful and harmonious the group.  Throw a person in, who shares the same base interests, but has a different world-view and conflict will arise, ending in the odd person being forced out or leaving on their own accord.   The problem comes when groups are so attached to their shared world-view, or individual identities are so connected to their world-view that people participate in confirmation bias.  One of the biggest problems in American politics is all sides have their source of information carefully filtered for them, where they see only the stories which reinforce their world-view and are often not exposed to information which would challenge their world-view.  People will deliberately remain ignorant to hold to their 'side.'  Leftists like the stories of gun-toting hicks saying stupid things on the news, while the right likes the see the liberal who is so out of touch with reality they don't know north from south, and both side are saying "See! See! My side is better!!!"  When you go to either side, and say "No, you misunderstand. Let me clarify," the response is akin to children plugging their ears and chanting "La La La La!" to drown out a contrary view.  This is intellectual dishonesty in its deepest form and reprehensible in most cases.   This is the threat to the LGBTQIA+ community, not those who are just ignorant or afraid, but those willfully and dishonestly ignorant and afraid, and just as much to the extent we are also willfully ignorant and afraid.
    • VickySGV
      https://deadline.com/2019/09/gideon-adlon-lovie-simone-zoey-luna-cailee-spaeny-the-craft-blumhouse-sony-1202737052/?fbclid=IwAR0PLyUScC5H1mZwSorGpGtXL8iGY5X_5TkGl0I8XQqqCBYWMwuOze9CopU   I am an "honorary aunt" to Zoe Luna who is playing one of the roles here, the others are Trans girls as well.
    • onaquest
      I haven't been around here much lately, for that matter on Inet much, But I've been just dying to share, where I'm at today, and that is full of gratitude. I passed 2 years back in July, That's big, but life today is huge. I was in recovery some 20 years ago when transition started. Coming out wase, "Thatcatastrophic, and after too much struggle, I used, that was the only way I could see an end to my pain. Well, that didn't work, and tried recovery a couple more times, but put my dysphoria on the back burner, get clean, then back to transition was my thinking, well, that didn't work either. After 10 more years of active addiction, I really understood, addiction, I checked into rehab, and told them right off, "I am trans" No back burner this time, just a raucus plowing into Step1. Now, 2 years and a couple months later, I'm still clean and am going to a women's retreat for the whole weekend. Yes, my shyness and insecurities are just screaming, but that's disease. I am secure in the love of the fellowship. My sponsor and her sponsor will be doing a workshop on self acceptance. I am just soooo many things, scared, excited, shy, insecure, but for the most part, just absolutely grateful! This is such growth for me. I know many trans struggle with substances, addiction, and all the mess that goes with it, but there is a clear message :That an addict, ANY addict, can stop using, lose the desire to use, and find a new way to live
    • Josie Beth
      Goats are very cute. They almost remind me of dogs when they wag their tails and try to get rubbed on their heads. Baby goats are lots of fun and like playing. I once helped care for a weak baby goat and the poor thing just needed some human contact. It gained its appetite and in no time was walking around again. Once it was ok then the mother accepted it back but initially I almost think she was going to just let it die. It’s amazing how animals can express gratitude, friendship, and even love without saying a word. I don’t think i’v ever met an animal that didn’t like me. Maybe at first they would be a little leery but they usually would warm up. I truly believe that not just people have souls. How else can you explain a dog saying goodbye and then dying a couple days later? OMG, I’m fighting back tears. I always remember my animal friends. They have often been more real than people. 
    • MaryEllen
      Hello Markjvp, Welcome to TransPulse. Take a look around at the various forums and I'm sure you'll find answers to some of your questions. Feel free to ask questions, We'll do our best to provide answers.   MaryEllen   
    • Markjvp
      I forgot to say that I’m also here at trans pulse to at least get a little support
    • Markjvp
      I don’t really know how to introduce myself so I’m just going to say what my whole life has basically been. Well from the moment I could remember things which was when I was about 4 it started pretty good but soon when I was 7 things slowly went down hill for me sure I still live in a house but this family needs to get fixed also the transgender feeling started I think about the end of grade 8 which was about 2 years ago and it’s still with me and some things I like to do are play games and just hanging out with people if they’re the right ones for me also i don’t fully know if I’m trans so I’m trying to figure it out still.
    • Debra Michelle
      Our first dance song
    • Debra Michelle
      My husband and I  love this song,both ZZ Top fans.Our first dance when we got married 4 years ago  
    • SaraAW
      That’s great.  Glad to hear it went so well.    I think I’ll look into nearby schools with Hair and Aesthetics programs for a similar offering. 
  • Upcoming Events

×
×
  • Create New...