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Hellothere

'The only girl'

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Hellothere

I find myself constantly being singled out as the only girl. Only girl in the french horn section, "arent you so lucky to have a daughter, and so on. Even reverse, today, i was at a competition. We walk into the room and one judge goes "ALMOST GIRL POWER!!" And then chuckled at my lone male team mate (usually 3 of us but 1 was away).

i cant correct them, im not out to almost anyone. My parents and two close friends. Heck my parents would be pissed if i did, when i came out i was told not to tell a tone of people. They have their reason, im not exactly surrounded by supportive people school, home area, even state (i live in the south). But still, it get me all twisted up on the inside. Its like breaking a bone but not being able to fix it. Is there any way (mentally) to help ease the pain? 

 

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VickySGV

I am sorry to say that for now, there is not really much since it is not safe for you to come out fully.  You certainly have us here, and you would not be the first person where we were their only "out" time for a long stretch of time, but we do hear success stories down the line from them.  When it hits me that I have been in some stage of Transition longer than you have been alive and all the times I thought the Dysphoria would never end in those years, all I can really do is say that if you take life one day at a time they do add up and some are a lot of fun and happiness, 

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EliAtkins

I like to do a lot of writing when I feel stressed about something, whether it's poetry, music, a journal or blog of some kind or even letters to people (ones I never have any intention of sending).  Writing can be very therapeutic and a great way to just get it all out.  I actually did a post on here earlier kind of going through what's been going on with me lately and I honestly can't even tell you how good I felt after just having gotten it all out.

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Timber Wolf

Perhaps the best thing I can say is that tomorrow can be better than today. I have found that with time it gets easier as I get more confident in who and what I am. In the meantime, you're not alone. We are always here.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf 🐺🐾

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Charlize

Perhaps the worse thing that happened to me was when i was sent to an all male school.  That was years ago when the whole country was much less accepting than the south today.  There was no popular knowledge of even the possibility of gender issues or change.  My parents had seen my feelings and did everything possible to make me "man up".

  I'm glad you are out to your parents and some friends.  That alone is a great step.

I think we all have to accept the time and difficulties we face.  As Timber Wolf mentioned it gets better with time.  Glad you're here.  We can support each other as no-one else can.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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    • A. Dillon
      What I have noticed is that when you are in that in between, of not really wanting to be here but also not being able to let go, it can be incredibly stressful. You don't really want to talk to an adult about it, you are confident that you won't do anything so you don't want to alarm them and just add more stress. However, you do need to talk to someone, so you down play it and they give you some basic advice. You know that it doesn't help, so you get frustrated, but you know it is not their fault so you move on. You are in this middle ground, you don't see things getting better but things are not bad enough for someone to intervene, so you feel it would be better to just give up and leave. However, that does not fix anything. All thinking like that does is get you more stuck in the cycle, more afraid to try and get help. I try to coexist with all of it and slowly improve on the down low, and eventually find myself ok.
    • ShawnaLeigh
      I admire your courage and agree that the information you have on your experiences can be invaluable to others who are not there yet. I myself would have a hard time doing this in front of an audience.  I'm still shy and a bundle of nerves during public speaking.  Something I have battled since high school.  
    • Jackie C.
      Yeah, you might need a little bit of a boost. I never hit "unable." At my lowest was, "Eh, maybe once or twice a week." Of course we'll see what's going on now once I've healed enough to even think along those lines again. For now... I've accidentally poked my incisions with a dilator. I am in no hurry to repeat the experience. Ow.   Hugs!
    • Sarahnr1
      WELL spoken Aidan (standing up and aplloud)   and im happy to read youre  doing  better again.  and reg anxiety  yes i hadent thoght of that Aidan but its also closely related to depression  actually  (and yes Severe on that one as well (sigh )       
    • ShawnaLeigh
      Dang it I hit submit before I was ready to.  LOL I was going to add that my arousal is at zero.  Nadda.  No morning events or even during erotic dreams.  Even if I try on my own its just non functional at this time.  I assumed this was a normal thing on HRT.  I suppose I need to ask about this when I go in again for an appointment.
    • ShawnaLeigh
      I cant even call them boys anymore.  They are brats and troublemakers! Dang things got me in more trouble.   Mine go on a one way trip soon too and I can not wait.  Plus I can stop taking as much of the HRT meds afterwards which will be nice.
    • Sarahnr1
      Bipolar  is  whats  formely was  known as manic depression   and  what it does  is actually as you describe  you have  youre UP  perids  were lifes  is  all good  and then  you have youre DOWN  periods .and its not  uncommon to have both  Depression as well as  Bipolar   BUT only a cert  doc can make that diagnose  tho   Belive me i understand  better then you might  think Mark . and  i also understand  the  demands on you   are getting  higher  as  you grow  older .   NO Mark  we cant  im a living example  that you CAN  make it thru this rogh times       Again i understand  you Mark  and i know you whant  belive me  BUT  as the time  goes  by  and you manage to get thru this  rogh periods  youre  mental strainth   will also increase   and you will be  stronger then you were before  (how do you think im still around  with my crappy life  ?  )  I agree  mark and thats  WHY  you need to go and A   get  help for youre depression  and B  try to not   ask to much of youre self   (ie  LOWER youre own expectetaions on youre self  and accept  you can only do youre best)    C   GET youre self  OUT there   and look around  Mark   if youre not happy being a lone wolf  then you need to get out and  look  they arent  going to just stand  by youre door  and say hey !   ya know       Mark  when you have youre  Pm privigies  pm me  ANY time you whant  or need and we can talk about  whatever you want.Thats  just the depression talking   DONT listen to it   if i would have listend to all the crap coming at me  24 / 7   i would  have  left  this earth a long  time  ago     Mark  i have been talking to this so called  pro`s   since i was 4  and up to adult (now close to 50 )   age  and  you'd  be surprised to see  how  much that have  improved from my time  to now. (back in mu days they dident  know  diddly about any of my diagnosis  or problems BUT these days  they have learnt  plenty  . and the  only way you will find  out  if or how they gonna help you is  give them a chance   (wink)  +  when youre this far  down  you NEED  profetinal help TRUST me on this . (and like  in life in general theres  good as well as bad   so cold  profetinals  and if you feel one isent  working  ask for another one )  And last  its  not  they will help you  its  YOU and  with the  guidance of   them will together  find a solution.  And  also im not on any meds  either   for any of my diagnosis  so thats NO requirement.                
    • Aidan5
      My advice is basically just the retelling of everyone's wonderful and thoughtful comments. You have your life ahead of you and I know what it's like to be in that dark place, I was there just 2 weeks ago I think but something small made it all turn around and made me want to keep fighting. I had given up then and there I wouldn't be here where I stand today, that I am grateful for. Please hang on bud. This is anxiety, the fear of the unknown, but give it a little thought, university may be super cool and fun! Just give it a chance. When I was a freshman in high school I was terrified, and even now I am going to be moving schools so late in the school year. I will make the most of it and enjoy what life has brought me, you should try to do the same, friend :))  
    • Markjvp
      hey aidan i know this isn't related to this topic but check the new thing i posted on suicide prevention i felt very low yesterday i still feel it today its called why keep living?
    • Markjvp
      i know this cycle will continue for now at least while im in school and im expecting university to be super hard so why keep living? but again i cant kill myself... not yet and i know things im throwing away if i do it
    • Aidan5
      PFFT haha! Whoops!   Thnank you everyone for your kind regards as always!! ❤️   I do plan on keeping in touch, and try to rebuild a relationship with them, thankfully they are willing to help with moving me out.    I also apologize if I am not as active, for I will be busy with things for the move
    • Markjvp
      actually i think i dont have both because even when im super low it can disappear and ive never had mood swing before (if thats what bipolar disorder is) but i have suspected that i have depression because from time to time basically if im not distracted enough and if i start thinking negative things i will get sad maybe feel low    i know you probably understand how im feeling but i keep fighting and every year is kind of like a cycle at this point school gets harder i most likely pass the courses that i take and at home i just watch or play then at the weekends we go somewhere because we need to buy something but also each year i go through something like this at least once when im feeling super low and at least once in the year im so sad that im thinking of... you know... suicide. so we cant just give up? how my life is pretty much a cycle right now a loop theres things added to it like this site but i just dont want to keep living like this im like a wild animal being put in a cage but was fighting before but now giving in or I AM in the cage slowly giving up and i can probably describe my life a couple more ways. ive always wanted to be free and ive always been someone who tries there best at everything but whats the point of moving forward when i almost have no help i know "keep fighting" but again its getting harder and harder and i know the people here can only help so much but not as much as you being here physically for me...   i still cant kill my self not yet and ill probably keep doing what im doing even while sad but why keep living. yes i probably should get professional help but how are they going to help because i can most likely counter what they say "there's people that love me" that's just probably my mom and dad and i cant feel the love from my other parts of my family i dont know what else someone might say but thats how i can counter that. also im not taking any medications right now
    • Jackie C.
      Yeah, I had about a year of peace before they took my off HRT for surgery. There's probably something up with your T-levels. Your endo will take care of it if it doesn't settle down on its own.   Hugs!
    • KathyLauren
      Good for you for doing this!  Public speaking, though it can be terrifying, is a great confidence-builder.  ANd sharing your experiences will help others on their journeys.  Way to go!
    • DeeDee
      My one superpower is being able to calm babies down enough to go to sleep. Though it has always worked better on other people's than my own. 🥰 I do not miss projectile vomiting and green diarrhoea though! Congratulations on becoming a big sister Emily, and for finding a decent therapist to help explain things to your parents.
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