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Clara84

Dating and not assuming

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Clara84

Hello
I am a post-op girl and I am a lesbian
Since I began transitionning I only had sex or relationships with known people who knew my situation.

Now single I am trying to find love on dating apps. 
But the more I went on in my transition, less I accept my past and the fact I transitionned.
Actually, I don't identify myself as "trans" anymore, just "woman" or "girl" sounds more suitable for me.

Now about dating....
a lot of bi/lesbian girls are interested into me, but I am not able to tell them I transitionned.
I had sex with some of them, they didn't notice anything. 
But when someone ask me for a more serious relationship, I struggle because "serious" means "tell the thruth about my story"=> I run away. 

I want a serious relationship but no more able to talk about transition with an unknown cis-person. It's just impossible too hard for me talking about this, then I have to give up about love. Or date only MTFs ?

For those who succeded better than me. How did you do this ?
When do you tell your partner you're trans woman ? And how would it be accepted ?

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Kirsten

I don’t have any good advice, but I’m interested in what others say. *following* 

 

the only small insight that i can give you is before I started transition I was out about my cd life. I eventually found my wife. She actually knew before I even met her. I think being up front with her was the only way we would’ve made it long term. Gotta let people decide before feelings could be hurt I think. But idk. 

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Clara84

unfortunately, my formerly wife left me a few months after I started transitionning.

 

Your "strategy" would be immediately telling the truth before meeting the girl ? Why not.... but it's very complicated to do .and the person might reject you without knowing if she would like you or not...

Mine would be telling the truth after the persone already like/love me. But everytime I reached this step, I ran away.

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Kirsten

It would be. I am very open about being trans though. Heck I post about it every day on my social media accounts, I do some activism work as well. Even marched in the pride parade a couple of weeks ago. So for me being direct and up front would be necessary at least now. If my life changes as time passes maybe I will feel differently. 

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Clara84

okay I am the opposite of you.

I removed every trans* facts from my facebook. I never told this to new people I met.

I am fighting against google to remove the few results still available when searching my deadname.

I destructed all the pre-transitions pictures

etc.

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Kirsten

Sometimes I think about that. Possibly post op. I don’t really know. But for now helping others helps me learn more about myself. It helps me break down barriers and become a much stronger person. I can definitely see the draw to hiding it all though. To just be whole always. I just don’t know if I could keep this big mouth shut long enough. Plus with the kids idk how that would work. 

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MaryMary

The following is just my personnal opinion : I tell it directly on my profile to be as sure as possible to not date a transphobe. I want to be proud of being trans and I want to be openly trans. I'm working on my self confidence and I also believe that for the things to improve people need to know they are dating awesome trans people like us ;) lol Besides, growing up one of the most difficult thing for me was having the impression that I was the only one who was born with male genitalia and identifying as a girl. So yeah, I like to be very open about it, very proud and be my normal big mouthed, brash self :P lolllll So far the times I did date people it went very well all things concidered. I feel that it went as well as my ex who is cis so I'm happy with the strategy.

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Ellora

Once a caterpillar transforms into Butterfly,  we no longer call the Butterfly a caterpillar.

Someday I will Fly Away, and say Goodbye to the caterpillar. 

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Kirsten

That’s very hard when you have a family. If I flew away they’d be crushed. And I can’t take them with me with expectations of leaving their world behind. I will forever be a part of the life I live now and I really can’t think of anything better than what I have right now. 

Mary I love what you said! I am proud of the path I took to get here and I don’t know if I’d even want to forget all of that. But everyone is different and different paths work better for others. They are all valid and wonderful choices. 

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MaryMary
8 minutes ago, Kirsten said:

everyone is different and different paths work better for others.

 

yes, I completely agree. I knew some trans that were "deep stealth" and they were very happy. It's the important thing right? be happy, lol :)

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Jani

Clara I do agree that after a period of time (some of us) stop identifying as transgender women and just think of ourselves as women.  I know that is where my head is.  

 

I'm married so not in the dating pool (thankfully) so my comments are to be taken with a grain of salt.  I think if you are strong enough to keep a secret forever and never slip up when speaking of the past then go and never talk about it.  Otherwise I believe it is wise to talk to your partner before getting serious (physical).  I think there will be a lot less pressure and you will be more comfortable in the long term.  Plus by the time you decide to talk about this you will hopefully know the person well enough to get an understanding of how they will react.  

 

All this said, you may have a couple broken relationships before finding the one for you.  

 

All my best,
Jani 

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