Confused

[BrendaOlivia]

 Where do I begin. Things went from good to extremely bad in a heartbeat. I came out to my wife two weeks ago which was hard to do. After a night of emotions it was accepted.  Then last night it was like “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde“. She became very hysterical, physical and quite frankly scared the crap out of me. She does not want me to take this outside of the bedroom at all.  I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have lived with this gender issue my whole entire life. That is 63 years. We have been married almost 44 years. I love her to death. This has pushed me to an edge. 

[ToniTone]

I'm sorry to hear y'all are going through a rough spat hun. I don't have any experience with coming out to an SO. But I guess I would say take it slow. Good things come in time. It's a transition for them too. Maybe seek couple's counseling too, ideally with a therapist who is supportive and experienced in gender issues. 

 

Hope y'all can resolve this without detrimental compromise. 44 years, you know the love is there! ?

 

~Toni

[Willow]

Brenda Olivia,

 

We’ve been married 47 years.  I’ve had issues since I was a teen but didn’t know or understand until recently.  I came out to my wife a year go.  We too have gone from yelling to crying.  Life together is over to I want to try harder.  It’s a very difficult thing for your wife to understand.  They really can’t.  I’ve met another couple at a group that has been going down this road longer and they’ve said the same thing.  So be patient, talk, then talk some more.  Give her time and space.

 

willow

[EvanC]

I just want to second giving time and space. I'm FtM, and been with my husband for 29 years now. I came out to myself and him just over a year ago, and It is taking time for both of us to process, but we're still together for now. When I first figured out I was trans, I wanted to gallop ahead with everything. Now I'm glad I'm taking the time to figure out what I really need for myself, and how much I can or cannot compromise on any of it. Talking all this through with a therapist has been really helpful for me. 

 

 

 

[Janae]

BrendaOlivia,

 

i am married 36 years.  Earlier this year I came out to my wife. (And by that I mean my dysphoria and my need to go further, and being able to say I am transgender). I received very much the same reaction you did. I think it comes mostly because the spouse feels somewhat betrayed that we were not forthcoming with this information much earlier, and held it back on purpose- or essentially living a lie.  Then after awhile there are thoughts of how friends and family will perceive two women living together. 

This takes time for the spouse to adjust and understand. And I am not sure they can ever fully understand what we have been through all these years.  

As Willow mentioned, you need to take this slow.  Real slow. My wife told me that she didn’t want me taking it outside the confines of the bedroom either. But I do go about the house dressed as my real me occasionally-  taking it slow - since (as she has discussed with me) it is a big change to see me dressed as a woman. 

Give it some time.  And don’t rush. 

I hope things work out.

 

Hugs

Janae

[BrendaOlivia]

Thank you all for the advise.  We started out yesterday after work talking very calmly and kissing and hugging. Then she said that she wants me to be the way it was and just bury it inside me. I told her for the sake of the marriage I would.  Then for some reason she escalated it into anger and shouting again. I want to take it slow. I am not in a hurry. I’ve held this inside me for many years and can hold it for as much as it takes. I am a little upset at my gender therapist.  I reached out to him in a text about what happened and that she even got physical with me. I even told him I understand now why there is a high rate of attempted suicide’s in the gender community. Three hours later I get a text back that says sorry to hear that.  He goes on to say that “I have an opening at 1 o’clock if you would like to come in but you would have to watch me eat my lunch.” Any ends the text with “yeah some spouses don’t handle it well”

[Charlize]

I hate to say this but you are still early in the process.  My wife and i now seeming have a strong relationship again after more than 7 years.  When i transitioned at 63 i thought it would be virtually impossible.  After all i had hidden and backpedaled all my life to please and fit the needs of others.  I certainly cannot advise any course of action.  I can say that once out the secret doesn't go away.  Tears, hugs, tears hugs and the occasional punch can continue for some time.  I  tried patience, love and understanding as well as i could but i can't control my wife's feelings.

Best of luck in your journey.

As you can see you are not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jani]

Brenda I was in a similar situation although my wife never got physical.  After many hours of talk and soul searching we have come back to a place of happiness.  Keep the lines of communication open.  How well do you feel your therapist is doing with you?  

 

Jani

[BrendaOlivia]

Jani,  he is doing a great job. I think I just wanted a little pity for me. I was hoping he would text a little bit more like you all talk. I just needed that little bit of just hang in there and I found it with all of you. I love my therapist. It was just a moment. But thank you for asking.

[Jani]

Great! 

[BrendaOlivia]

 Update! It has been three weeks since everything went topsy-turvy. We went from being OK one day to being not OK the next day. Then last Saturday one of my daughters who knew of my transition desires, 

 Decided do you have my other daughter and son and his wife here along with my wife when I got home from work and do an intervention. A huge weight was lifted off me that everybody now knows. However, from that point on, my wife does not want me in bed with her.  This morning she wouldn’t let me even touch her and she this evening went to go stay with my son’s family for a while. Before she left, she said that she can’t make love to a woman. I am hoping in time things will change and it will be more  accepting to her. Just thought I would let you know how things are going. 

[VickySGV]

This is a common experience, but in time we can hope she realized it is YOU and not a woman in the sense of her being a lesbian.  She does need to look at her own life and grieve the "ideal life" and her prior dreams, but at the time neither of you fully knew about this and change of those things takes time and effort.  My ex and I have evolved into a "sister" type of relationship, but our youngest hit 40 years old today so it has been a while.,

[tracy_j]

My main observation, I think, is that many partners worry more on how the world will see things (ie friends, family  and neighbours) rather than what they really feel about their close relationships. I had a close friend who did state early on that I have not changed as such, but he could not get his mind around the subject in general and finally things fell apart when some of his other friends joked about us being in a relationship. I think my partner would not easily cope with any suggestion of ours being a lesbian relationship but we do live more as a close friendship these days. Things do take time, but it did get better when the initial shock from people close to us has wore off and she realised the world will not suddenly end in pointy fingers and shame. I don't think my own instability with how I was changing in being outward helped much with things in the earlier stages. The more we know about ouselves, the more confident we feel, and the easier it is to help and understand our close partner.

 

Tracy

[SaraAW]

@BrendaOlivia I just opened this wound myself this past weekend and am struggling with a similar reception from my wife. She wants me to unring the bell. Not that it can be. I was doing little things to express myself previously, like trimming or shaving body hair, painting toenails and growing my hair out.  I told her I’ll stop for now. Not sure if I can for long, chest hair is a big trigger for me right now. She wants me to see a doctor and do some tests to find out what is wrong with me, not a good sign of future acceptance. So for now, I’ll slow down as much as I can for the sake of our marriage. I’ll continue with my GT and take each day as it comes. I hope she’ll eventually come to accept me for me and show some love for me again. 

 

I wish you the best through your current trials. Know that you’re not alone in these experiences. 

 

*hugs*

 

Sara

[Kirsten]

Sorry to hear this Brenda. It is a story we hear a lot though. Although my wife was accepting at first, she has had her moments of doubt fear anger and sadness. It’s very natural. All you can really do is to keep on loving her and showing her that although you look different, you are still you. But also realize there is a period of grieving that’s coming. She is losing her husband in many ways. And along with that she’s tasked with changing her subconscious about relationships and love. Because since before she could understand, a man and a woman are a couple. Not two women. It’s a very difficult thing to overcome.

Try to get her to see a gender therapist. Since my wife has been seeing hers, things are getting better in that area. We also see a family therapist with some experience with lbgtq people. And it’s been really good for both of us. Communication is important. But so is space. It’s a labyrinth of emotions that you both will have to find your own path through. I wish you the best of luck in this. It’s really hard. ??

[Charlize]

  I am always sad when i read about marriages breaking up.  At the same time i was ready to face that when i finally decided to be honest about myself.  My wife insisted that i have therapy and i jumped happily into therapy.  There were tears, anger and harsh words directed at me.  I certainly could and can understand.  How long had i hidden knowing i had issue of some kind?  The need for love and the dictates of society had come together to cause this pain for both of us.  

  At the time we had been together for more than 40 years.  Over time healing took place and today our life together thrives.

Brenda regardless of this issue i do hope you will see a gender therapist.  Mine helped my wife and i, perhaps more than i knew at the time. 

  

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

[BrendaOlivia]

5 hours ago, SaraAW said:

@BrendaOlivia I just opened this wound myself this past weekend and am struggling with a similar reception from my wife. She wants me to unring the bell. Not that it can be. I was doing little things to express myself previously, like trimming or shaving body hair, painting toenails and growing my hair out.  I told her I’ll stop for now. Not sure if I can for long, chest hair is a big trigger for me right now. She wants me to see a doctor and do some tests to find out what is wrong with me, not a good sign of future acceptance. So for now, I’ll slow down as much as I can for the sake of our marriage. I’ll continue with my GT and take each day as it comes. I hope she’ll eventually come to accept me for me and show some love for me again. 

 

I wish you the best through your current trials. Know that you’re not alone in these experiences. 

 

*hugs*

 

Sara

 Thanks Sara.  Yes it’s tough, and I do wish you the very best and hope things turn around for you. Just takes time I guess. But I could not continue living this way.